I feel like my husband just doesn't like being a dad

[Anonymous]

I don't think more free time for your husband is the answer. He really has no responsibility other than his job and kids - no yard/car/household work. Ever.

So, what does he do when he doesnt spend 90 min at the gym or 2 hrs playing tennis? Is he doing work? Watching tv? Does he feel more energized and more engaging?

Any chance your husband is an only child or from a single parent household?

[Anonymous]

You guys sound super rich and self absorbed. Whyd you have children, anyway? Why three? My mil's parents were super wealthy and she remembers her parents as living glamous lives but spending very little time with her and her siblings as kids. They had fabulous toys, clothes, governesses, etc, but never felt close to her parents and refers to her mother as selfish. If you dont want yr kids to see you that way, change yr lifestyle stat. - signed ft working mom of two

[Anonymous]

Yr husband sounds like a toad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess -- he's in charge of dealing with all the home maintenance items too, right? I know you wrote you have a gardener, etc but he has to coordinate all that, along with car mainteance as well, right?

I'm a DH and I get a similar feeling of not having any time for myself sometimse. Seems like there's always something to be fixed or dealt with. I thikn cutting back on scheduled activities may help.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but no. My nanny's husband arranges the lawn people and does the car maintenance and handyman arranging. This is horrible I know. I wouldn't tell anyone in real life. It started because my nanny kept reminding us to fix things around the house, we kept not doing it, finally she offered her husband to call his handyman friend, and it grew from there. We pay her husband , of course - he bills us monthly and gets his hourly rate. The handyman also gets an hourly rate and does everything from painting to changing hard to reach lightbulbs.

Yeah, we suck. I know. It's embarrassing.

I don't have enough money to do that. But I don't see anything wrong with it. It means you both have more time to do what you want. No reason to be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, he likes it in theory. He likes to post FB photos and it all looks very sunny and cheery. But he complains endlessly every.single.time they have a game or practice or event that he has to go to.
We have 3 kids. So yeah, it's busy. We both work and we have a full time nanny and part time housekeeper. So we have it better than most people from a labor perspective. We have a handyman, a lawn care company, a Saturday night sitter. But he is endlessly complaining about how little free time he has. He works out for 90 minutes four days a week and he plays two hours of tennis weekly. And we go out with friends two or three times month. He works a very demanding job.

Honestly, I think this is the best he can hope for. But it's still not enough. He wants more downtime.
I could, I guess, take over all Saturday activities by driving around all day, having the kids attend the siblings' games, relying on friends to carpool. So he could, I guess, get Saturdays off. But this seems so messed up - a dad that goes to no games?
I want an enthusiastic dad for them SO badly.
When I see the dads that even COACH, I just want to cry. I would have never predicted that he would be this way.

This could almost have been my husband, but I think you are confusing him not enjoying being dad with being stressed and pulled in too many directions. I think given the choice he would rather stay home with the kids over working!! I also firmly believe that men cannot handle doing double duty/multi tasking as most women can. I will always believe this. My own husband included. When hes stressed he lashes out at those closest to him, me and the kids. But I know he loves us dearly and we are the center of his life. How about this? Which we did, we rotated every other weekend, we gave each other a "day off" to do whatever they want. For me it was normally shopping ,meeting a friend or sometimes just staying home and doing nothing!

I do think this would go a very long way with your husband in terms of you meeting him in the middle, acknowledging his feelings and showing sensitivity but this way you BOTH win. It does get easier we are down to just one child now and we cannot get enough of his games/activities, go figure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys sound super rich and self absorbed. Whyd you have children, anyway? Why three? My mil's parents were super wealthy and she remembers her parents as living glamous lives but spending very little time with her and her siblings as kids. They had fabulous toys, clothes, governesses, etc, but never felt close to her parents and refers to her mother as selfish. If you dont want yr kids to see you that way, change yr lifestyle stat. - signed ft working mom of two

Yeah this isn't an issue. I spend tons of time with my kids. I leave work at 4 sharp every single day (I am part time) and I often telework, which means I even get them from school. I do not bring work home. And all the household help means I don't have too many chores or home tasks. It's my husband that doesn't spend enough time with the kids - hence my post. I recently started exercising every other day, only because I really needed to!! But I have been doing it 6-7 am before they are up. So far it's going ok so I hope it is sustainable.

I have really gotten some good advice from this thread. I am trying to focus on the things they do like to do together. We discussed the idea of one sport per season. We may do it. They seem so young to "specialize" like that and they are just barely average athletes, so I was always hesitant to make them stick to one thing. But it may be the best plan.

Anyway thanks.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't know any other adult with children who does as little as your DH. He does absolutely nothing!

[Anonymous]

I read some self-help book about marital problems and it talked about the problem of underinvestment. Your dh is underinvested in your marriage/family. He doesn't do anything and because he doesn't, he doesn't see anything that needs to be done (or should be done) by him. Basically, the family is working fine without him so why would he bother? The solution is for him to become more invested. If you died tomorrow (just an example) would he rise to the occasion? Probably. You need to facilitate less and give him less and make more of it his responsibility. that also means giving up control over what he does....