I feel like my husband just doesn't like being a dad

[Anonymous]

Ummm....your husband is right. That schedule is a pain in the ass. Even lots of parents who are into sports limit their kids to one sport a season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, he does have free time. He's choosing to spend it working out and playing tennis.

It sounds like maybe he needs a different job.

+1. Time to remind him that he does actually get ~10 hours of free time a week. He sounds like a baby.

DH, father of 3 here.
He sounds like a spoiled shithead.

[Anonymous]

Aww...this is sad to hear. Sorry OP.

All I can advise is to talk to your husband and stress to him how important it is for you to have him take a better attitude towards your kids.

Do so when you are alone with him and his mood is good. Do not place blame on him..Simply let him know how hurt it makes you feel.

Sure, having kids is chaotic, busy and messy, but this isn't forever.

The worst regret would be for him to wake up one day, realize his kids are grown up and do not have a close relationship with him because he wasn't there as much as he should have been.

No one wants that to happen. He only gets one shot to be a good dad and the time is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too much? So your kids only play 1 sport per season? But what happens if the 2 sports they like are in the same season?
I mean, 8 weeks go by really fast.

But most importantly, HE IS NOT GOiNG TO DO AMYTHING WITH THEM EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO ACTIVITIES. I learned that in the winter.

You have to realize some men are just that way. the kids won't know the differencet if you don't make a big deal out of it .

[Anonymous]

Sorry but sports games at your kids ages are boring. I would tell your husband he no longer needs to attend them but he needs to watch the younger child.

[Anonymous]

The most problematic statement you made was how you're soooo upset because he doesn't want to coach. You have extrapolated that out to he hates being a father.

You have a set checklist on not only what a "loving father " has to do, but what he has to LIKE to do. He's not you. He doesn't have to like to do any particular thing. I personally think all those kid sport things are terribly tedious. I do what I have to, but I also would duck out on practices if I could. Parents never went to those things when I was a kid - they went to big games, band concerts, and other performance nights (and one night, not every night if the show was multiple nights). Parents carpooled us to practices and rehearsals - one would drop off, another pick up. This was not a Big Thing, and no one was pining for their parents.

So yeah, he's a bit whiny if he's really already doing those other exercise activities, but maybe HIS idea of being a dad involves hanging out with his kids and not doing a whole lot of anything. That works for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but sports games at your kids ages are boring. I would tell your husband he no longer needs to attend them but he needs to watch the younger child.

This is an interesting compromise. I would suggest it to your husband.

My kids are overly scheduled, so your schedule does not sound bad to me, but, not everybody loves spending their time watching kid sports. I would ask your husband to stop complaining about it-- especially if any of this complaining is going on in front of the kids (he can take it to a therapist). I miss games on occasion (I have a hobby that I spend one Saturday afternoon a month doing-- if my husband needs help getting kids to games, we carpool, or hire a sitter). Perhaps let him choose one weekend day a month to have free (or spend with the toddler ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most problematic statement you made was how you're soooo upset because he doesn't want to coach. You have extrapolated that out to he hates being a father.

You have a set checklist on not only what a "loving father " has to do, but what he has to LIKE to do. He's not you. He doesn't have to like to do any particular thing. I personally think all those kid sport things are terribly tedious. I do what I have to, but I also would duck out on practices if I could. Parents never went to those things when I was a kid - they went to big games, band concerts, and other performance nights (and one night, not every night if the show was multiple nights). Parents carpooled us to practices and rehearsals - one would drop off, another pick up. This was not a Big Thing, and no one was pining for their parents.

So yeah, he's a bit whiny if he's really already doing those other exercise activities, but maybe HIS idea of being a dad involves hanging out with his kids and not doing a whole lot of anything. That works for a lot of people.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much? So your kids only play 1 sport per season? But what happens if the 2 sports they like are in the same season?
I mean, 8 weeks go by really fast.

But most importantly, HE IS NOT GOiNG TO DO AMYTHING WITH THEM EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO ACTIVITIES. I learned that in the winter.

Yes. So far we haven't had a problem, but I would take the opportunity to teach them that we all have to make choices about how we spend our time. Because really, bottom line, I don't care if they do a lot of sports. One sport is plenty. Because it's incredibly time-consuming and cuts into family time and is boring for me. I love being a mother, but sports I can take or leave. My parents had this exact same attitude and blew off most of my stuff. I liked the independence.

You need to sit your DH down for a talk about what kind of parents you both want to be. It seems like he just has a different parenting style and different ideas about what is appropriate. Not everyone thinks kids need to have something scheduled all the time. There are plenty of people who think it's a positive thing to have unstructured time. If you approach it like he doesn't want to be a dad, you will just alienate him and damage your marriage. It's a difference in parenting approaches. Or else he's just trying to weasel out of his share of the work-- could be that, but it also doesn't mean he doesn't love his children.

+1

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this. He likes a lot of time to himself. He also thinks the kids would actually like a lot of time to themselves as well. He says he learned the skills of his trade during that unsupervised time he had as a kid.

I work on accepting this. It is a valid choice. Kids will actually learn a lot just fooling around with tools and materials by themselves with no organization and very little contact with parents (other than at meals and things like that). They will know they are loved because they know the parent is there if they need them.

(Now, if I could only convince him to allow me to have your maid... that one, although it does save money, I have a harder time accepting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this. He likes a lot of time to himself. He also thinks the kids would actually like a lot of time to themselves as well. He says he learned the skills of his trade during that unsupervised time he had as a kid.

I work on accepting this. It is a valid choice. Kids will actually learn a lot just fooling around with tools and materials by themselves with no organization and very little contact with parents (other than at meals and things like that). They will know they are loved because they know the parent is there if they need them.

(Now, if I could only convince him to allow me to have your maid... that one, although it does save money, I have a harder time accepting)

FWIW, my parents were big believers in this style of parenting. They were always-- always-- available if I needed them, but did not over-supervise. Instead, they provided an environment rich in learning opportunities, and left us to explore our interests. I am doing the same with my DD. I think it leads to more creative play and a less stressed child. I know it's tough when the parents have a difference in parenting styles, so I sympathize with you. I'm glad you see it as a valid way of parenting. It worked wonderfully for me as a child.

[Anonymous]

We only do one sport per season, then one other activity == and for us that is Scouting. DH is quite involved in that.

I played middle school basketball. I think my mom came for only half the games, the home games -- and no practices. Families should have balanced times together. You don't seem to have them, because your kids are on a pedestal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, he likes it in theory. He likes to post FB photos and it all looks very sunny and cheery. But he complains endlessly every.single.time they have a game or practice or event that he has to go to.
We have 3 kids. So yeah, it's busy. We both work and we have a full time nanny and part time housekeeper. So we have it better than most people from a labor perspective. We have a handyman, a lawn care company, a Saturday night sitter. But he is endlessly complaining about how little free time he has. He works out for 90 minutes four days a week and he plays two hours of tennis weekly. And we go out with friends two or three times month. He works a very demanding job.

Honestly, I think this is the best he can hope for. But it's still not enough. He wants more downtime.
I could, I guess, take over all Saturday activities by driving around all day, having the kids attend the siblings' games, relying on friends to carpool. So he could, I guess, get Saturdays off. But this seems so messed up - a dad that goes to no games?
I want an enthusiastic dad for them SO badly.
When I see the dads that even COACH, I just want to cry. I would have never predicted that he would be this way.

Seems to me as though you have a very good life. Stop whining and be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are NUTS if you think it is OK to consistently miss kids games. it is the norm for parents to come out and support their kids. Many people spend 3hrs a weekend plopped in front of the television watching foorball and some can't even show up for an hour game non a weekend? Pathetic.

Oh please. I certainly didn't need my parents watching my every move like I was some kind of miracle prodigy. Kids sports are boring and I have no intention of going to all the games. My special snowflakes will be just fine without me applauding their every move.

Avoiding people like you is just a side benefit.

You're pretty much the only one. My kids play sports and the parents always show up. You are the outlier and probably a horrible parent in most aspects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too much? So your kids only play 1 sport per season? But what happens if the 2 sports they like are in the same season?
I mean, 8 weeks go by really fast.

But most importantly, HE IS NOT GOiNG TO DO AMYTHING WITH THEM EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO ACTIVITIES. I learned that in the winter.

Have you talked to him about this? Honestly and openly and without accusations? Drop your dukes and ask him what's up. Stay calm but firm.

And yes, I'd only let the older ones do one sport at a time. Four games on a weekend is brutal.