I feel like my husband just doesn't like being a dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too much? So your kids only play 1 sport per season? But what happens if the 2 sports they like are in the same season?
I mean, 8 weeks go by really fast.

But most importantly, HE IS NOT GOiNG TO DO AMYTHING WITH THEM EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO ACTIVITIES. I learned that in the winter.

You are just mismatched. You are an involved engaged parent and he is not. He should have hooked up with one of these self-centered hags who don't support their kids in sports because they find it boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do.
They play two spring sports each. So they each have 2 practices a week (nanny and I cover these - DH does not come to any practices and by the time he gets home they are over.)
So every weekend for April and may only, there are 3-4 games. Three Saturday, one Sunday. So that leaves him doing two games on Saturday. Sometimes one, if I can manage three or rely on a friend.
The seasons are so short. 8 weeks. We already agreed no travel teams. So they only play rec league. DH would never, ever drive to another town for a game. I'm ok with that - trying to compromise.

We tried no sports for the winter season. Just one musical instrument - nanny handled because it was right after school.
DH did not take the opportunity to do family things on weekends. Kids did Wii, iPads, play dates. I took them swimming a few times. DH takes 10 year old to movies, sometimes both but mostly just the oldest so they can see pg-13 movies.

DH wants nanny to work more. That's his solution. She's willing to do so. I just feel bad for my kids.

So do I. And you chose to have a third child with him because...?

I asked this earlier too. The youngest is quite a bit younger than the other two, so OP's husband knew what he was getting into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are NUTS if you think it is OK to consistently miss kids games. it is the norm for parents to come out and support their kids. Many people spend 3hrs a weekend plopped in front of the television watching foorball and some can't even show up for an hour game non a weekend? Pathetic.

Oh please. I certainly didn't need my parents watching my every move like I was some kind of miracle prodigy. Kids sports are boring and I have no intention of going to all the games. My special snowflakes will be just fine without me applauding their every move.

Avoiding people like you is just a side benefit.

You're pretty much the only one. My kids play sports and the parents always show up. You are the outlier and probably a horrible parent in most aspects.

What an overreach. Because it's trendy to show up with this generation of parents, she's a bad parent? This is just more helicoptering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are NUTS if you think it is OK to consistently miss kids games. it is the norm for parents to come out and support their kids. Many people spend 3hrs a weekend plopped in front of the television watching foorball and some can't even show up for an hour game non a weekend? Pathetic.

Oh please. I certainly didn't need my parents watching my every move like I was some kind of miracle prodigy. Kids sports are boring and I have no intention of going to all the games. My special snowflakes will be just fine without me applauding their every move.

Avoiding people like you is just a side benefit.

You're pretty much the only one. My kids play sports and the parents always show up. You are the outlier and probably a horrible parent in most aspects.

Nope. They are not the only one at all.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who don't see the need to attend every single activity. (Or that liking being a parent = being 100% present at everything one's child does.)

My DD isn't old enough to be in sports yet, but if she ever does get into it I'll do my best to arrange carpools and such. She is the light of my life but that doesn't mean that I need to parallel or attend every activity she does.

I did sports every season as a kid and my loving and faithful parents came to a few big games to watch but it would never have occurred to me (let alone bother me that they didn't do it) that they would have needed to attend all of them.

It's okay for your husband to want time; hopefully there can be a balance for how it all works out that feels fair to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Do people really sit and watch all their kids' practices? That sounds insane, and as a kid, I would have hated it. Games are different, but I don't think that both parents need to go to every game. It's okay for one to watch and the other to do something with the other kids sometimes, especially if you switch off which parent goes.

That said, your husband gets 10 hours a week of free time, which he uses to go to the gym and play tennis. I think you need to have a conversation about just how much free time he wants, and just how he thinks that will happen without dumping all the weekend parenting work on you, eliminating all of your free time, and never participating in any of the kids' stuff. If you can come up with something that seems fair to everyone, then stop worrying about whether you think he feels the way you think a father should feel.

[Anonymous]

I feel like we need more information. Does he want your kids in all these activities? Your schedule does sound very hectic to me, but if it's something that everyone wants, then he needs to get on board. I think people are getting distracted by the number of sports, kids, games etc, and overlooking your main point: he is complaining that he doesn't get enough time to himself, even though the vast, vast majority of childrearing and household chores are being handled by other people.

So if he's just turned off by the sporting events and practices, that might be understandable and fixable. But if he just doesn't enjoy family time of any kind, then it seems like OP has married someone who likes parenthood in theory but not really in practice. And I can see how that would be upsetting.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk. He seems to have plenty of time to himself if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So every weekend for April and may only, there are 3-4 games. Three Saturday, one Sunday

this is insane.

You can do this if you want.
Don't complain that other, reasonable people, reasonable parents DON'T - - that includes your spouse.

This is pretty normal. Most kids do 1-2 sports a season. The DH is already not doing any practices at all.

[Anonymous]

DH is 100% responsible for the toddler on Saturdays from morning to bedtime. He can get his "free time" in when the child naps and after bedtime. OP does the sports.

[Anonymous]

He already gets much more time to himself than most parents of small children that I know based on OP's post.

[Anonymous]

I was your husband...kind of.

My sons are teens now and sports are very school-based are easy on me, but when the rec-league thing ramped up when they were little, I was really, really reluctant to spend my afternoons schleping them to practices and my weekends sitting on cold/hot/hard/wet bleachers.

But I sucked it up and I did it. It was boring and exhausting and I neglected my own hobbies for a few years, but in the end it was wonderful. It was "what we did" as a family. My husband (who was always the enthusiastic one) coached, I volunteered, and as my kids got older, they helped with the younger teams. We were known as the super involved family that would pick up teammates, run the scoreboard and pick up snacks. We made many, many wonderful friends that we still have outside the season. I still don't really like two of the three sports my kids do, but I love that my family was so involved. Long drives to meets in another state were some of the best times to talk and laugh with each other.

I have no advice for you because you can't change your husband, but I do hope that maybe his perspective changes. If it doesn't, maybe you can do your best to create the supportive atmosphere your kids will remember so much as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So every weekend for April and may only, there are 3-4 games. Three Saturday, one Sunday

this is insane.

You can do this if you want.
Don't complain that other, reasonable people, reasonable parents DON'T - - that includes your spouse.

This is pretty normal. Most kids do 1-2 sports a season. The DH is already not doing any practices at all.

He shouldn't be doing practices! Watching practice is ridiculous. Unless you are already there and logistics would preclude you from going home or running some other errand, there is no expectation that parents watch practice. It's completely optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, he likes it in theory. He likes to post FB photos and it all looks very sunny and cheery. But he complains endlessly every.single.time they have a game or practice or event that he has to go to.
We have 3 kids. So yeah, it's busy. We both work and we have a full time nanny and part time housekeeper. So we have it better than most people from a labor perspective. We have a handyman, a lawn care company, a Saturday night sitter. But he is endlessly complaining about how little free time he has. He works out for 90 minutes four days a week and he plays two hours of tennis weekly. And we go out with friends two or three times month. He works a very demanding job.

Honestly, I think this is the best he can hope for. But it's still not enough. He wants more downtime.
I could, I guess, take over all Saturday activities by driving around all day, having the kids attend the siblings' games, relying on friends to carpool. So he could, I guess, get Saturdays off. But this seems so messed up - a dad that goes to no games?
I want an enthusiastic dad for them SO badly.
When I see the dads that even COACH, I just want to cry. I would have never predicted that he would be this way.

I think letting him be the dad he wants to be is the best path to take here. Not everyone is the never-miss-a-game parent. My dad, whom I love dearly, was in no way a traditional parent. Zero caregiving. But, he gave great advice and always made me feel special. My mother raised us.

Find something special that he and the kids can do----maybe making pancakes every Sunday?----something to build a tradition around. Then, when he misses a game or whatnot, the kids don't feel abandoned. There are other ways for him to be available to his children.

My favorite quote from The Wiz is the advice Dorothy got when she first arrived in Oz: "Count your blessings; cut your losses; and, follow the Yellow Brick Road!"

You have an idea of what a "good dad" looks like. Can you let go of that and refashion the demands so that everyone feels supported? Did you mention having a 10yo? Maybe video games would provide that bonding time, while also serving as leisure? I don't know, but the expectations now are not being met, so everything feels like failure. I would have no expectation re sports events. It would never occur to me to have him coach a team with a demanding job. But I would chafe at the idea of no storytime or bedtime chats.

We all carry our own notion of what "good parenting" looks like. Time to re-examine yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I make sure to sign my kids up for VERY little outside activities for precisely this reason. It is soul killing to be a chauffeur and then sit through all this stuff. Unstructured time is so important to us.

How old are your kids? What if they really love one or two things are are really good at it? Truly just curious.
Maybe I'm just too easy. I have seen other posters say this so am genuinely curious. Thanks.