I feel like my husband just doesn't like being a dad

[Anonymous]

I think the only reason ( sometimes) parents stay for practice is because by the time you go home, it is time to pick up. We have always been lucky with carpools.

e I also think it is nice to try and limit activities and have unscheduled time but, to be honest, and I know someone will say the opposite, that only works when little. There are no 14-15 yr olds near us riding bikes for hours, climbing trees. When younger, sure...mine would play outside all day on a Saturday and even have lunch in tree fort.

Teens have sports, scouts, youthgroup, music. Fridays most of the time we have kids hanging around. They will play video games, football when warm, play guitars. Weekends are all activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are NUTS if you think it is OK to consistently miss kids games. it is the norm for parents to come out and support their kids. Many people spend 3hrs a weekend plopped in front of the television watching foorball and some can't even show up for an hour game non a weekend? Pathetic.

Oh please. I certainly didn't need my parents watching my every move like I was some kind of miracle prodigy. Kids sports are boring and I have no intention of going to all the games. My special snowflakes will be just fine without me applauding their every move.

Avoiding people like you is just a side benefit.

You're pretty much the only one. My kids play sports and the parents always show up. You are the outlier and probably a horrible parent in most aspects.

Nope. They are not the only one at all.

Hardly. I don't always go, and when I do, it is obvious that there are more kids on the field than parents on the sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much? So your kids only play 1 sport per season? But what happens if the 2 sports they like are in the same season?
I mean, 8 weeks go by really fast.

But most importantly, HE IS NOT GOiNG TO DO AMYTHING WITH THEM EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO ACTIVITIES. I learned that in the winter.

You are just mismatched. You are an involved engaged parent and he is not. He should have hooked up with one of these self-centered hags who don't support their kids in sports because they find it boring.

"Support"? Sorry but 1) my kids are capable of doing their best even when I am not personally supervising every moment of their lives. 2) I "support" them by spending tons of money on their sports, planning our lives around sports generally, and feigning interest when they talk about it. That's plenty of support.

Kids sports would be a lot more sane and enjoyable without lunatics like you.

[Anonymous]

Can you sit down with him to figure out what is reasonable? Draw a graph of work time, chore time, free time (includes workouts and tennis). He may just need to see it laid out in front of him. Also, drop a couple of extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Next season, can you get them on the same team since they're close in age? Or at least in the same league where they would have games at the same time and location? Maybe a sport like swimming or running where all ages are at the same meet? That would significantly increase the available downtime. It might also help if you could get all the activities on Saturday and left Sunday free for puttering around the house and unscheduled family time.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess -- he's in charge of dealing with all the home maintenance items too, right? I know you wrote you have a gardener, etc but he has to coordinate all that, along with car mainteance as well, right?

I'm a DH and I get a similar feeling of not having any time for myself sometimse. Seems like there's always something to be fixed or dealt with. I thikn cutting back on scheduled activities may help.

[Anonymous]

My husband also doesn't like going to sporting events or school activities for DS. So I told him he has to do more of the housework to make up for the time I spend at such events. It has worked out ok. I am sure DS would like his dad to be there, but not if he is mostly playing with his phone and looking bored. DH would rather do wash and dished and cleaning. At least I am not doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. There is really some helpful stuff here. I am really thinking about the over scheduled aspect. Two issues there:
1. I am worried it won't fix anything. Other than watching TV or going to movies, I don't think he is going to do anything with them. So if he is going to be on his phone all day, maybe they are better served by being in activities.
2. It's not just sports. I used that as an example but he also complains about the other kids we have over, barbecues or dinners that include kids (he would rather get a siter) and chauffeuring to bday parties. (We don't have to go anymore, but he's tired of chauffeuring)
He hates school shows and performances and chaperoned one field trip 6 years ago and still talks about how awful it was. The oldest did a year of scouts and DH complained so much about the events that I cheated and bought a pre-made derby car on the Internet and let him paint it.

He will run with the 10 year old. That is a recent positive development. I think the 10 year old kind of hates it, but does it to be with his dad. I figure running is good for you so no harm in that.

[Anonymous]

That would piss me off, too OP.

We have two kids who are 10 and 8 and DH enjoys helping coach and he especially enjoys going to all their activities.

I'm a SAHM but he works a demanding job that requires a good deal of travel but still finds the time to do some working out, etc. He never complains.

I guess I'm lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I make sure to sign my kids up for VERY little outside activities for precisely this reason. It is soul killing to be a chauffeur and then sit through all this stuff. Unstructured time is so important to us.

How old are your kids? What if they really love one or two things are are really good at it? Truly just curious.
Maybe I'm just too easy. I have seen other posters say this so am genuinely curious. Thanks.

NP but I take a similar approach. During elementary school the kids were allowed 2 activities at a time. When we moved to a new area, dd's Girl Scout troop only met once a month instead of weekly, so we allowed a third. If both kids wanted to sign up for the same class/activity, we would discuss and decide if we could handle a 3rd activity on a case by case basis.

Oldest dd is in middle school now, and can get herself to more activities without needing a driver. As long as she's able to maintain grades and not be a stressed out monster we let her decide her schedule for the most part. She's shown that she knows her limits and is careful about time management when signing up for activities.

[Anonymous]

I've read through the thread and think all this is much more a marriage issue than a parenting issue (though obviously the two are related). You already have outsourced much of the child care and household issues that many couples in this area struggle with. So it is only an issue of how both you allocate your free time. You're mad he chooses a different allocation with different gusto than you'd like. So you desire something different. Which is fine and natural. But as long as you approach this as him being a deficient dad, you're not going to make any head way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes feel puzzled when I read these types of posts. Your husband doesn't like being a dad but you had three children with him?

Jesus, can we please block this person already? Same repetitive, vapid, OP-blaming post on every thread about relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes feel puzzled when I read these types of posts. Your husband doesn't like being a dad but you had three children with him?

Jesus, can we please block this person already? Same repetitive, vapid, OP-blaming post on every thread about relationships.

Agreed. There is a poster who shows up to every other thread with "was he like this before you married him. They why did you have kids with him?"

Super annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Not sure what to do.
They play two spring sports each. So they each have 2 practices a week (nanny and I cover these - DH does not come to any practices and by the time he gets home they are over.)
So every weekend for April and may only, there are 3-4 games. Three Saturday, one Sunday. So that leaves him doing two games on Saturday. Sometimes one, if I can manage three or rely on a friend.
The seasons are so short. 8 weeks. We already agreed no travel teams. So they only play rec league. DH would never, ever drive to another town for a game. I'm ok with that - trying to compromise.

We tried no sports for the winter season. Just one musical instrument - nanny handled because it was right after school.
DH did not take the opportunity to do family things on weekends. Kids did Wii, iPads, play dates. I took them swimming a few times. DH takes 10 year old to movies, sometimes both but mostly just the oldest so they can see pg-13 movies.

DH wants nanny to work more. That's his solution. She's willing to do so. I just feel bad for my kids.

Im a wife here, and that schedule makes my head explode. Why in the world do children need to play so many games???!!! Tell the kids they can pick 1 sports team a season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess -- he's in charge of dealing with all the home maintenance items too, right? I know you wrote you have a gardener, etc but he has to coordinate all that, along with car mainteance as well, right?

I'm a DH and I get a similar feeling of not having any time for myself sometimse. Seems like there's always something to be fixed or dealt with. I thikn cutting back on scheduled activities may help.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but no. My nanny's husband arranges the lawn people and does the car maintenance and handyman arranging. This is horrible I know. I wouldn't tell anyone in real life. It started because my nanny kept reminding us to fix things around the house, we kept not doing it, finally she offered her husband to call his handyman friend, and it grew from there. We pay her husband , of course - he bills us monthly and gets his hourly rate. The handyman also gets an hourly rate and does everything from painting to changing hard to reach lightbulbs.

Yeah, we suck. I know. It's embarrassing.