My son left me a mean note, WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him correct the grammar.

Kidding. I don't know. I'd talk to him about it - how words have consequences - and then let it go, assuming first time and he's generally a relatively empathetic boy. Maybe tell him that he can actually write down mean things that he can't say, but he should keep them private, like a journal. I don't know...that's if he likes to get things out in writing, generally, that can be helpful. But if it was a one-off, I'd probably let it go.

LOL, that was my first thought too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make him write it correctly 50 - 100 times.

Best idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many people on this thread have teens?

I'm wondering because I have read again and again that this kind of behavior has to be "nipped in the bud" because if not he will be calling his mother a bitch when he is a teenager.

I have teens, so i feel like I have a little perspective on teen behavior and parent-teen relationships. IME, a parenting style that leans more towards hard-line, kick-ass reaction to stuff like this is actually counterproductive and does not promote a close relationship in the teen years. But YMMV.

I have a teen and near-teens. This kind of language (a parent being called stupid) has never, ever been part of our normal conversation. None of my children has ever said "I hate you." Who knows--maybe one of them will walk through the door and say it five minutes from now, but as of this writing, that's the way our family operates. We are extremely close as well.

I think the only thing that can be gleaned from the discussion here is that families have radically different ideas as to appropriate language, and, per usual, everyone is sure his/her way is best.

[Anonymous]

suffice it to say that the OP has to come on here and ask " my kid called me stupid , what should I do ?

Parenting by committee. Is that a step up or down given that OP seems to be already over the barrel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:suffice it to say that the OP has to come on here and ask " my kid called me stupid , what should I do ?

Parenting by committee. Is that a step up or down given that OP seems to be already over the barrel.

OP here. I'm not over any barrels. Intelligent, thoughtful people seek out other opinions and weigh all the options before making a decision. I don't presume to think I have all the answers or can't find better ways to deal with issues. Only stupid people think they know everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people on this thread have teens?

I'm wondering because I have read again and again that this kind of behavior has to be "nipped in the bud" because if not he will be calling his mother a bitch when he is a teenager.

I have teens, so i feel like I have a little perspective on teen behavior and parent-teen relationships. IME, a parenting style that leans more towards hard-line, kick-ass reaction to stuff like this is actually counterproductive and does not promote a close relationship in the teen years. But YMMV.

I have a teen and near-teens. This kind of language (a parent being called stupid) has never, ever been part of our normal conversation. None of my children has ever said "I hate you." Who knows--maybe one of them will walk through the door and say it five minutes from now, but as of this writing, that's the way our family operates. We are extremely close as well.

I think the only thing that can be gleaned from the discussion here is that families have radically different ideas as to appropriate language, and, per usual, everyone is sure his/her way is best.

Two very interesting observations/opinions. I've always felt more like the first PP. But I have a question for the second PP ...

Did any of your kids ever get mad and say "I hate you" or "You're stupid"? My 9 year old has said it on occasion. I generally ignore. But this thread has me thinking. So, I'm wondering if maybe you had naturally chilled kids who don't get angry and want to hit out, or if you nipped it in the bud the first time they tried it. If so, how? Some kind of punishment for disrespecting you? A long chat about how it made you feel? Please tell us what you put it down to. And also, what would you do now if one of your kids became very angry for some reason and came out with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?

Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.

Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.

Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.

I don't know, kids need to understand that sometimes things change, it's life. If something more important has come up that needs to be done, then so be it. He can be mad, he is a child. But insulting a parent is pretty bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him that wasn't nice or funny and to not do it again.

+1

Of course you should say something. He's crying for some discipline and direction here. How else is he going to learn how to handle his anger/frustration/disappointment if you don't teach him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids do this ALL THE TIME. I would just ignore it. They are allowed to express themselves.

Yes!!! Of course!!! Let it go, OP.

Do you let your kids say mean things to other kids? Would you "let it go" if your child called another child stupid? Would you be upset if your child's friend put a note in his backpack telling him that he was stupid?

Kids are allowed to express themselves, but I hope that parents are teaching them that it's not okay to say hurtful things. The kid could have written a note that said, "I'm mad at you, Mommy," and I would have no problem with that. But name-calling is not okay in our house. Personally, I would tell the kid that I understand that he was mad and frustrated, but he needs to find a better way to express that, because what he did is not acceptable.

Your poor children.

Not the NP, but: Poor people who have to deal with your children in the future. Let it go? Really? Were you raised to call your parents stupid, and do you do so now? If you don't think it's acceptable behavior for yourself, for God's sake, don't teach your children that it is.

Right? Future Entitled Pricks of America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of butthurt thin-skinned parents on this thread. You're an adult and you're upset about a cranky kid writing the word stupid? Why is this even an issue?

Your word usage indicates that you are likely as immature as the children, and not really fit to be a decent parent. Good luck with all that when your child is an entitled brat that can't get along socially because they are being raised by an overgrown child themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of butthurt thin-skinned parents on this thread. You're an adult and you're upset about a cranky kid writing the word stupid? Why is this even an issue?

Your word usage indicates that you are likely as immature as the children, and not really fit to be a decent parent. Good luck with all that when your child is an entitled brat that can't get along socially because they are being raised by an overgrown child themselves.

Ooooh burn! /sarc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many people on this thread have teens?

I'm wondering because I have read again and again that this kind of behavior has to be "nipped in the bud" because if not he will be calling his mother a bitch when he is a teenager.

I have teens, so i feel like I have a little perspective on teen behavior and parent-teen relationships. IME, a parenting style that leans more towards hard-line, kick-ass reaction to stuff like this is actually counterproductive and does not promote a close relationship in the teen years. But YMMV.

I have a teen and near-teens. This kind of language (a parent being called stupid) has never, ever been part of our normal conversation. None of my children has ever said "I hate you." Who knows--maybe one of them will walk through the door and say it five minutes from now, but as of this writing, that's the way our family operates. We are extremely close as well.

I think the only thing that can be gleaned from the discussion here is that families have radically different ideas as to appropriate language, and, per usual, everyone is sure his/her way is best.

Two very interesting observations/opinions. I've always felt more like the first PP. But I have a question for the second PP ...

Did any of your kids ever get mad and say "I hate you" or "You're stupid"? My 9 year old has said it on occasion. I generally ignore. But this thread has me thinking. So, I'm wondering if maybe you had naturally chilled kids who don't get angry and want to hit out, or if you nipped it in the bud the first time they tried it. If so, how? Some kind of punishment for disrespecting you? A long chat about how it made you feel? Please tell us what you put it down to. And also, what would you do now if one of your kids became very angry for some reason and came out with that.

I'm the second PP. I actually answered your question in my reply, but no, my kids have never called me stupid or told me they hated me. None is naturally chilled--one is pretty Type A, and the others have ADHD. We are not a mellow household by a long shot. There is a lot of expression of feelings, but it never veers into name-calling.

I can't remember exactly how this came about. I know we talked at length when they were toddlers about the power of language. I'm sure some will roll their eyes, but "stupid" and "dumb" aren't used in the house by anyone, period. When the kids were very small, I taught them that they were hurtful words; when they got older, I added that they were used by people who were too lazy to explain exactly what they meant. It's lazy to say a homework assignment is dumb. It's fine to say it's too complicated or something that you didn't cover in class or has nothing to do with the upcoming test, etc., and it's certainly OK to say you don't like it. I also make sure that I don't use those words myself around the kids.

I don't have a plan for what I would do if one of my kids said those things to me now. I doubt they will. I was a fairly angry teen at times, and I never called my mother names--ever. If one of my kids did call me a name, I would at least know that something really serious was going on and treat it as such. That's why I'm puzzled by the posters who say to laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make him correct the grammar.

Kidding. I don't know. I'd talk to him about it - how words have consequences - and then let it go, assuming first time and he's generally a relatively empathetic boy. Maybe tell him that he can actually write down mean things that he can't say, but he should keep them private, like a journal. I don't know...that's if he likes to get things out in writing, generally, that can be helpful. But if it was a one-off, I'd probably let it go.

I actually would mention the spelling. With my younger child, the conversation might go like this.

Me: I found this note that you left me. There is something wrong with it.
Child: It's mean?
Me: Yes, it is a mean note, and it hurt my feelings. But there is something else wrong with it.
Child: ...
Me: When is it "your", and when is it "you're"?
Child: Oh.
Me: Next time you want to leave me a mean note, could you please make sure everything is spelled correctly?
Child: OK.
Me: OK. *hugs child*

This made me giggle. Thank you.

Me too. And, it was my first thought as well.
Be happy that your son is expressing himself in words instead of actions. He DID do what you asked, didn’t he?
Kids do this a lot. But, that doesn’t mean that you don’t let him know it hurt your feelings.
There will come a time when he leaves you a note that will melt your heart, so don’t discourage the note writing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?

Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.

Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.

Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.

I don't know, kids need to understand that sometimes things change, it's life. If something more important has come up that needs to be done, then so be it. He can be mad, he is a child. But insulting a parent is pretty bad.

And parents need to understand that a child's needs are important, too. The point here is that cleaning wasn't important. It was important to the Mom. It didn't have to be done that very instant in order to be finished the next day. There could very easily have been a 30 minute break for the child to play. And in my opinion the child earned that break by having had a long day at school and having finished his homework. Why not give him a break? Especially if it was expected by him. Mom should have said "Hey honey, remember the cleaner comes tomorrow? I really need your help fixing things up a bit for that. You can play with your new toy for 30 minutes, then please clean up and after that you can keep playing."

Where's the problem? The problem is that Mom wanted it done right then and there without any regards for her child's feelings. That's okay, it happens, all the time - no big deal, no judgement intended here, seriously...but that doesn't mean we can just pretend the Mom was all right and the child was all wrong. Why does the child not have the right to let her know how he felt about this? If he was my child I'd take the note as what it was: My child's only way to safely (from his point of view) tell me how he felt about the situation. He doesn't really think she's stupid. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't try to hurt her feelings. Come on people, we are adults here. We all know he didn't write the note in a seriously mean spirited way.

He is 8. His choice of how to express feelings and how to deal with these situations are limited. At 16 I'd react differently. But not at 8 years old. He's not an adult. Not even a teen. Not even a pre-teen yet. So treat him his age please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?

Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner.

Another PP here. I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens. I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional. Homework and chores come before play. Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that. So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house. So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much. We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do.

Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.

I don't know, kids need to understand that sometimes things change, it's life. If something more important has come up that needs to be done, then so be it. He can be mad, he is a child. But insulting a parent is pretty bad.

And parents need to understand that a child's needs are important, too. The point here is that cleaning wasn't important. It was important to the Mom. It didn't have to be done that very instant in order to be finished the next day. There could very easily have been a 30 minute break for the child to play. And in my opinion the child earned that break by having had a long day at school and having finished his homework. Why not give him a break? Especially if it was expected by him. Mom should have said "Hey honey, remember the cleaner comes tomorrow? I really need your help fixing things up a bit for that. You can play with your new toy for 30 minutes, then please clean up and after that you can keep playing."

Where's the problem? The problem is that Mom wanted it done right then and there without any regards for her child's feelings. That's okay, it happens, all the time - no big deal, no judgement intended here, seriously...but that doesn't mean we can just pretend the Mom was all right and the child was all wrong. Why does the child not have the right to let her know how he felt about this? If he was my child I'd take the note as what it was: My child's only way to safely (from his point of view) tell me how he felt about the situation. He doesn't really think she's stupid. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't try to hurt her feelings. Come on people, we are adults here. We all know he didn't write the note in a seriously mean spirited way.

He is 8. His choice of how to express feelings and how to deal with these situations are limited. At 16 I'd react differently. But not at 8 years old. He's not an adult. Not even a teen. Not even a pre-teen yet. So treat him his age please.

Part of the problem with threads like this is that we can only look through our own lenses. In most respects, I am a pretty chilled parent and I am rarely arbitrary is saying somthing needs to be done at a certain time. I am more along the lines of "make sure your room is clean before you go to bed." So I give a pretty wide window. That being said, if I say that something needs to be done at a certain time, my kids know there is a reason and they do it. I tell them all the time that we are all citizens of the house and we all have to pitch in (even when we do not want to). And I will admit that when running the household as a WOHM, I do not always have the time to have regards for the child's feelings. Sometimes I need to put a load in or vacum their room, so I need all the stuff picked up from their floor right then. It happens sometimes and them's the breaks!

However, what I do not compromise about is respectful language and tone of voice. My kids are free to voice their opinion within reason and I try to give them reasons if they ask. I am NOT one of those parents who says "Because I said so." That being said, HOW you voice your opinion matters. It matters in life, it matters at school and it matters in our home. "Mommy, I am unhappy. Why can't I play with my new toy. " Accpetable. Calling someone stupid is not acceptable. Would you write it off if he called his teacher "stupid?" I do not care how you feel, certain things should not be said.