Reply to My son left me a mean note, WWYD?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How many people on this thread have teens?

I'm wondering because I have read again and again that this kind of behavior has to be "nipped in the bud" because if not he will be calling his mother a bitch when he is a teenager.

I have teens, so i feel like I have a little perspective on teen behavior and parent-teen relationships. IME, a parenting style that leans more towards hard-line, kick-ass reaction to stuff like this is actually counterproductive and does not promote a close relationship in the teen years. But YMMV.[/quote]

I have a teen and near-teens. This kind of language (a parent being called stupid) has never, ever been part of our normal conversation. None of my children has ever said "I hate you." Who knows--maybe one of them will walk through the door and say it five minutes from now, but as of this writing, that's the way our family operates. We are extremely close as well.

I think the only thing that can be gleaned from the discussion here is that families have radically different ideas as to appropriate language, and, per usual, everyone is sure his/her way is best.[/quote]

Two very interesting observations/opinions.  I've always felt more like the first PP.  But I have a question for the second PP ...

Did any of your kids ever get mad and say "I hate you" or "You're stupid"?  My 9 year old has said it on occasion.  I generally ignore.  But this thread has me thinking.  So, I'm wondering if maybe you had naturally chilled kids who don't get angry and want to hit out, or if you nipped it in the bud the first time they tried it.  If so, how?  Some kind of punishment for disrespecting you?  A long chat about how it made you feel?  Please tell us what you put it down to.  And also, what would you do now if one of your kids became very angry for some reason and came out with that.[/quote]

I'm the second PP. I actually answered your question in my reply, but no, my kids have never called me stupid or told me they hated me. None is naturally chilled--one is pretty Type A, and the others have ADHD. We are not a mellow household by a long shot. There is a lot of expression of feelings, but it never veers into name-calling.

I can't remember exactly how this came about. I know we talked at length when they were toddlers about the power of language. I'm sure some will roll their eyes, but "stupid" and "dumb" aren't used in the house by anyone, period. When the kids were very small, I taught them that they were hurtful words; when they got older, I added that they were used by people who were too lazy to explain exactly what they meant. It's lazy to say a homework assignment is dumb. It's fine to say it's too complicated or something that you didn't cover in class or has nothing to do with the upcoming test, etc., and it's certainly OK to say you don't like it. I also make sure that I don't use those words myself around the kids.

I don't have a plan for what I would do if one of my kids said those things to me now. I doubt they will. I was a fairly angry teen at times, and I never called my mother names--ever. If one of my kids did call me a name, I would at least know that something really serious was going on and treat it as such. That's why I'm puzzled by the posters who say to laugh it off.[/quote]

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