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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My 8 y/o was doing his homework last night at my desk and was mad at me because I asked him to help clean up his stuff after he finished because the cleaners come today (yay for cleaning day!). He was mad because he wanted to play with his new Nerf gun. This morning I found a note on my desk that read "look on back please" and on the other side "your stupid mommy" with a smiley face and laughing. I know he was just mad and frustrated, so I'm not too hurt, but I wonder if it's worth saying something or letting it go. I kinda feel like he ought to know how his actions affect other people and that what he did was mean spirited. But, I don't want to make too big a deal out of it. WWYD, DCUM?[/quote]

Honestly...I think he had a right to be mad. And he has the right to verbalize that feeling as well. He wrote it on a piece of paper because it bothered him enough and at the same time he was probably worried about saying it out loud so he did it from a safe distance to see what would happen. This is what I would do:

Talk to him. Take the note, show it to him and tell him it's not okay to call someone stupid. BUT. It is okay to tell someone "I am mad at you because you made me do chores after homework and I wanted to play with my new nerf gun." I think it's extremely important to teach children that they ARE in fact allowed to voice their feelings and thoughts - but teach them to do so in an appropriate manner. [/quote]

Another PP here.  I allow my kids the right to voice their feelings and thoughts - they are now teens.  I also teach them that the right to do so is not universal and it is not unconditional.  Homework and chores come before play.  Always have and always will and my kids are well aware of that.  So I would expect him to be mad, but I would also expect him to know that is a well established rule in our house.  So, in THAT SPECIFIC CASE, his being angry will not mean much.  We also taught them that too - that sometimes people will not care how you feel if they have told you to do something that you are supposed to do. [/quote]

Ah the good old power we as adults are free to use any time and anywhere over our children. Beautiful. So why exactly is cleaning up for Mommy because Mommy has the cleaning lady come more important than playing with a new toy? Especially since the child had just completed one chore/task (homework) already? It would have been an absolute possibility to say "You finished your homework really well, so you can play with your new toy for 30 minutes now and THEN you clean up after that." Nobody can convince me right now that 30 minutes of playtime after just having finished his homework would have been impossible to do...nobody would have been angry. Nobody would have been pushed around. Child gets a break and reward of playing for doing well with homework - Mommy gets a clean room without any anger and the angry note would have never been written.[/quote]

I don't know, kids need to understand that sometimes things change, it's life.  If something more important has come up that needs to be done, then so be it.  He can be mad, he is a child.   But insulting a parent is pretty bad.[/quote]

And parents need to understand that a child's needs are important, too. The point here is that cleaning wasn't important. It was important to the Mom. It didn't have to be done that very instant in order to be finished the next day. There could very easily have been a 30 minute break for the child to play. And in my opinion the child earned that break by having had a long day at school and having finished his homework. Why not give him a break? Especially if it was expected by him. Mom should have said "Hey honey, remember the cleaner comes tomorrow? I really need your help fixing things up a bit for that. You can play with your new toy for 30 minutes, then please clean up and after that you can keep playing."

Where's the problem? The problem is that Mom wanted it done right then and there without any regards for her child's feelings. That's okay, it happens, all the time - no big deal, no judgement intended here, seriously...but that doesn't mean we can just pretend the Mom was all right and the child was all wrong. Why does the child not have the right to let her know how he felt about this? If he was my child I'd take the note as what it was: My child's only way to safely (from his point of view) tell me how he felt about the situation. He doesn't really think she's stupid. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't try to hurt her feelings. Come on people, we are adults here. We all know he didn't write the note in a seriously mean spirited way.

He is 8. His choice of how to express feelings and how to deal with these situations are limited. At 16 I'd react differently. But not at 8 years old. He's not an adult. Not even a teen. Not even a pre-teen yet. So treat him his age please.[/quote]

Part of the problem with threads like this is that we can only look through our own lenses.  In most respects, I am a pretty chilled parent and I am rarely arbitrary is saying somthing needs to be done at a certain time.  I am more along the lines of "make sure your room is clean before you go to bed."  So I give a pretty wide window.  That being said, if I say that something needs to be done at a certain time, my kids know there is a reason and they do it.  I tell them all the time that we are all citizens of the house and we all have to pitch in (even when we do not want to).  And I will admit that when running the household as a WOHM, I do not always have the time to have regards for the child's feelings.  Sometimes I need to put a load in or vacum their room, so I need all the stuff picked up from their floor right then.  It happens sometimes and them's the breaks!

However, what I do not compromise about is respectful language and tone of voice.  My kids are free to voice their opinion within reason and I try to give them reasons if they ask.  I am NOT one of those parents who says "Because I said so."  That being said, HOW you voice your opinion matters.  It matters in life, it matters at school and it matters in our home.  "Mommy, I am unhappy. Why can't I play with my new toy. "  Accpetable.  Calling someone stupid is not acceptable.  Would you write it off if he called his teacher "stupid?"  I do not care how you feel, certain things should not be said. 
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