DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any "parent" (again, word used generally and only to follow the thread of this discussion -- I frankly am not sure I even consider the waffling OP to be a parent) who would let a 16 year old girl and her boyfriend "study" behind the closed door of her bedroom while said "parent" can zone out with a glass of wine and the TV downstairs is a complete and utter fool. As OP proves everytime she types a new post.

Stop it with the "parent" in quotes. The OP is just as much of a parent as anyone else. She is trying to figure out how to address a situation that is new and adjust her rules and expectations to this new reality. I have seen ZERO evidence that the OP is a neglectful parent who is "zoned out" with a glass of wine while her child is engaged in reckless behavior. Would the OP be just as much of a "complete and utter fool" if her daughter was engaging in this same behavior, behind OP's back, in an irresponsible way?

Please tell me you do not have daughters. Please.

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 year old DD as well. She is a virgin (as far as I know) and has never been allowed to have a boy in her bedroom. We have a very strict curfew for her that she does obey but to the second and not one second earlier. She is not responsible.

She is not a good student and has few interests other then texting her friends and hanging out with her friends.

Honestly, OP, I would rather be in your position with a DD who cares about academic performance and excellence. The sex thing is minor in the big picture of your DD's future.

[Anonymous]

OMG people, STOP!
OP is a troll. Just go back and look at each post by OP and all the double entendre/puns. Many of which OP actually points out in a laughing manner. No mother in this situation would be speaking this way about her own daughter. This is either a teen or a pervert looking for a cheap thrill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a BTDT parent. My kids have a lot of freedom but they know what our expectations are regarding dating. Good that OP's DD is using BC, but 16 is still very young.

When your kids are doing well in school and being generally responsible - it is great, BUT, they are still not adults and they still need guidance and supervision - so you cannot be lax. There is a difference between delegation of responsibility as a parent and dereliction of duty as a parent.

Teen years are confusing years for our children and they are not capable of making very good choices sometimes. It is a hard balance for parents though because you also do not want them to not be independent.

I hope things go well for OP's daughter and she remains focussed on her education, because next year is Junior year and this(boyfriend, sex) is a major distraction and a source of emotional ups and downs.

BTW - if your DD is in her bedroom with her BF with doors shut, what do you think is happening?

OP again. DD is a junior now and her grades have not suffered at all nor has her dedication to dancing suffered. But yes, I am watching this. Her boyfriend is also a good student who got a 4.0+ last semester due, he says, to being around DD.

Honestly, DD has always studied with the door to her bedroom suite shut. There is a partner's desk in her adjacent study that she has always used with any friend that came over to study with her. Maybe I was just stupid, but it never occurred to me that she was engaging in a sexual relationship with this boyfriend.

But yes, sex aside, the seriousness of their relationship does concern me. Again - what can I do about it now?!

You can't do anything about it now. It will affect her grades when they break up. You need to explain that she is making adult decisions that have adult consequences. Boys don't break up, they find somebody else and then break up... which opens her to STDs or at least being devastated.... or maybe she will break up with him, which opens her up to him being heartbroken and everything that comes with that.

I am a pretty realistic parent but 16 is young. Is he a 16 yo junior or an older junior/senior?

You need to at least warn her of all the side effects of the pill (does breast cancer run in your family) and the terrible stuff that comes with breakups.

My sister/cousin has gone through this with 2 teen daughters, one learned her lesson after 1 boyfriend... the other just keeps going back for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In that case, I think you should talk to her about the college issue. I remember how seriously I felt about my first boyfriend (who was also a decent respectable kid, who I had sex with, in his parents house, though they were not home at the time). It's a pretty exciting feeling. But it shouldn't change her decisions about her future and I think that you should make sure that she understands that.

That said, given everything else you've said about your daughter, it doesn't sound like she would go to a crappy school just to stay with a boyfriend. If anything, it sounds like she would go to a great school, encourage him to go to the best school he can get into, and then try to maintain a long distance relationship with him, which is a whole other kind of heartache.

I agree -- you deal with your worries about limiting choices of college by talking to her about that.

[Anonymous]

I was a top student and a dedicated violinist in high school - and had sex regularly with my boyfriend in my own home. My mother took me to go on the pill.

No harm done, no drama, not big deal. I went on to college and graduate school, got married and had children. I still see my old BF at high school reunions and we still have fond memories of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Unbelievable. It scares me that there are so many parents like you in this area. And by the way, it's "affected," not "effected."

What's scary about it? You raise your child according to your sense of morality. I'll raise my child according to my sense of morality. OP will raise OP's child according to OP's sense of morality.

It's scary, my friend, because you could be the parents of my kids' BFFs. You could be my next door neighbor, or the family from my office that we hang out with the on weekends. It takes a village, remember?

In fact, I could be your next door neighbor, or the family from your office that you hang out with on weekends. So what? If you are worried that I will be a bad influence on your children, or that my children will be a bad influence on your children, then you should ask me what I believe about the morality of teenagers having sex. And if you don't like the answer, then you can tell your children that they're not allowed to interact with me or my children any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG people, STOP!
OP is a troll. Just go back and look at each post by OP and all the double entendre/puns. Many of which OP actually points out in a laughing manner. No mother in this situation would be speaking this way about her own daughter. This is either a teen or a pervert looking for a cheap thrill.

I probably would speak this way - especially on an anonymous forum. This is not a life or death issue. Teenagers have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 16 year old DD as well. She is a virgin (as far as I know) and has never been allowed to have a boy in her bedroom. We have a very strict curfew for her that she does obey but to the second and not one second earlier. She is not responsible.

She is not a good student and has few interests other then texting her friends and hanging out with her friends.

Honestly, OP, I would rather be in your position with a DD who cares about academic performance and excellence. The sex thing is minor in the big picture of your DD's future.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP -- I think you sound like an amazing mother and I want to take classes from you -- quite serious here. My teens are only 13 right now and I am already trying to figure out how to convey values and good communication with them with all of the texting and Instagram also coming at us (and, at least for the boys, the lure of the Internet). I started having sex at 14 and wish I had waited to 16 but by 16 I recall enjoying sex and being able to obtain birth control, avoid STDs and actually have dating relationships that were genuine. My parents were nightmares around these issues (no conversation about it at all, strict Catholics and nothing allowed to be raised plus lectures, groundings and even some physical "discipline" over it). I had a really hard time in those teen years and was vulnerable between 14-16 to depression, substance abuse and sexual promiscuity/assault because I could not talk to anyone. It was a dark time. I even gave up my ballet which I had loved. I came through fine, felt much better by 16 as described and threw myself back into academics, etc but all I could think about it was leaving home asap. I don't want my children to feel so restricted that all they want to do is flee. I also don't want them overusing drugs or letting grades slide or stopping their arts (dance, theater, music). I understand you feel shocked but I think you have built a strong relationship and it is all going to work out and you can even tell your dd your thoughts on not holding herself back in any way because of a high school bf. Thank you for sharing for those behind you on the road.

[Anonymous]

Most of the "we have rules and morals" parents just don't know their daughters are giving BJ's to boys at parties and church mixers. Keep your head in the sand, Parents, because the shock of what your child is doing outside of your home will kill you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the "we have rules and morals" parents just don't know their daughters are giving BJ's to boys at parties and church mixers. Keep your head in the sand, Parents, because the shock of what your child is doing outside of your home will kill you.

Actually, I do know that is going on. My child told me and we avoid those "parties" where parents have no rules, let kids "party" in the basement without any supervision. It is crazy to me that girls are giving out blowjobs so easily.

The other kids have social lives, go to movies, have friends over and don't need the drugs, alcohol and sex to have fun.

Your head is in the sand if you thing "all kids are doing it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

LOL Her kid will be in an Ivy League school while your (maybe) virgins will be working at McDonalds. If you think your daughters are going to wait for marriage to have sex you are living in a dream world.

Then she can crash the economy with the rest of you morally corrupt Ivy league graduates or she can be CEO of Enron.

Yes, there is a bright line path from having consensual protected sex in your parents home at 16 to becoming CEO of corrupt corporations and crashing the economy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG people, STOP!
OP is a troll. Just go back and look at each post by OP and all the double entendre/puns. Many of which OP actually points out in a laughing manner. No mother in this situation would be speaking this way about her own daughter. This is either a teen or a pervert looking for a cheap thrill.

I probably would speak this way - especially on an anonymous forum. This is not a life or death issue. Teenagers have sex.

Yea... because nobody ever died from a STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the "we have rules and morals" parents just don't know their daughters are giving BJ's to boys at parties and church mixers. Keep your head in the sand, Parents, because the shock of what your child is doing outside of your home will kill you.

Actually, I do know that is going on. My child told me and we avoid those "parties" where parents have no rules, let kids "party" in the basement without any supervision. It is crazy to me that girls are giving out blowjobs so easily.

The other kids have social lives, go to movies, have friends over and don't need the drugs, alcohol and sex to have fun.

Your head is in the sand if you thing "all kids are doing it".

And yet, PP, we have here an OP who thought her daughter had a social life, went to ballet, studied and was responsible who is, YES, having sex with her boyfriend. So maybe you actually don't know what your kids are doing.