Popcorn Problem: how could this have been handled better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The advice that I will give a lot of you probably will not register for a few years, but here goes. If you want to have a good relationship with your DH and just a peaceful marriage, a lot of you need to learn to delegate properly. My marriage is not perfect but this is a skill that I learned after a few years. DH is pretty active with household stuff anyways, but if I ask him (not tell) him to do something, I do not tell him HOW to get the task done and if the task is done within reason, I do not critique it. Now if he really screws it up (which is rare) I mention it to him, but not in a negative confrontational posture. One example is that my DH uses the dishwasher and I prefer to hand-wash. Thus, I know that if I need him to cover the dishes, he is going to do it his way. And if I want it done MY way, I should be prepared to do it myself. I am just not sure it is constructive for a person or a marriage to micromanage to that degree."

OK. But wouldn't you agree that shoving the popcorn off to the side instead of picking up falls into the "screw up" category, and that you would nicely mention that you wouldn't have handled it that way?

Not the PP you're quoting but sweepoing the popcorn to the side is exactly what I would have done. And, if you're read the thread, you would have seen a good number of other people would have done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm from the Midwest. DC must be a hellscape full of marauding packs of popcorn scavenging rodents who presumably also feast on the asphyxiated corpses of popcorn choked children.

Blissfully unaware of my Midwestern privilege, I probably would have swept the popcorn off to the side.

[Anonymous]

"Not that PP. Nuts was inappropriate. They should have used the word "condescending". I'm 100% certain you're not perfect and equally certain that there are things you do (or don't do) that aggravate your husband. Hopefully, he doesn't speak to you or treat you in the manner you outlined above."

Why is it condescending to say "You seem frustrated and angry - can we talk about it later, away from the kids?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The advice that I will give a lot of you probably will not register for a few years, but here goes. If you want to have a good relationship with your DH and just a peaceful marriage, a lot of you need to learn to delegate properly. My marriage is not perfect but this is a skill that I learned after a few years. DH is pretty active with household stuff anyways, but if I ask him (not tell) him to do something, I do not tell him HOW to get the task done and if the task is done within reason, I do not critique it. Now if he really screws it up (which is rare) I mention it to him, but not in a negative confrontational posture. One example is that my DH uses the dishwasher and I prefer to hand-wash. Thus, I know that if I need him to cover the dishes, he is going to do it his way. And if I want it done MY way, I should be prepared to do it myself. I am just not sure it is constructive for a person or a marriage to micromanage to that degree."

OK. But wouldn't you agree that shoving the popcorn off to the side instead of picking up falls into the "screw up" category, and that you would nicely mention that you wouldn't have handled it that way?

PP here. Nope. I would not necessarily agree. Of all the things in a marriage that could actually be "screw-ups," this would not be one for me. It seems that he swept it in with the grass clippings and mulch. And in our house, if there was some negative consequences, he would deal with it.

But if I did think it were a screw up, I would NEVER expressly say that I would not have handled it that way. More of a light " Hey dude, I thought you were going to pick that up."

[Anonymous]

"We have very different ideas about what it means to clean stuff up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We have very different ideas about what it means to clean stuff up."

Who is "we?'

If "we" is you and the PP's, maybe so or maybe not. And who cares? But the difference is that, for my own sanity and the peace of my marriage, I do not feel that I always need to impose my standards on my DH. And I certainly would not react negatively if he does not do something the way I would have. I need his help in raising these 4 kids and I am not going to create a big issue because of popcorn in the mulch. We have much bigger fish to fry. We are on the same page is raising these kids and such. Not going to trip out because he swept some kernels instead of picking them up. That would make for a miserable life and marriage.

And I get the sense that this is a lot of what OP's issue is. His wife does not like that fact that he has different standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the Midwest. DC must be a hellscape full of marauding packs of popcorn scavenging rodents who presumably also feast on the asphyxiated corpses of popcorn choked children.

Blissfully unaware of my Midwestern privilege, I probably would have swept the popcorn off to the side.

Comment of the Day! (Is there a COTD section on this site? We should create one).

[Anonymous]

Holy shit. It was popcorn. I, too, would have swept it to the side or cleaned it up myself if it was that important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit. It was popcorn. I, too, would have swept it to the side or cleaned it up myself if it was that important to me.

You monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the Midwest. DC must be a hellscape full of marauding packs of popcorn scavenging rodents who presumably also feast on the asphyxiated corpses of popcorn choked children.

Blissfully unaware of my Midwestern privilege, I probably would have swept the popcorn off to the side.

+1000

Also, your vision of DC rats is pretty spot on.

[Anonymous]

Not excusing DW's reaction which is clearly over the top, but agree with others that taking DW to the brink of the looney bin took time and I believe that DH is responsible for taking her there.

Her words indicate to me that in her ind DH rarely if ever takes the initiative to do anything to contribute to the family unit. I'm sure that when he says "we" do this and that about taking care of the kids that it is really her doing it and him watching and waiting for her to get done with it.

DW knows she should be constructive and that DH can't read her mind, although it's painfully obvious that he should get off his butt and help out. So, she tells him what to do. She's been doing this more and more lately.

At the same time she tells him what to do, she is thinking in her own mind that DH is going to take the easy way out and just sweep the popocord to the side. DW feels overworked and underappreciated, particularly by clueless DH, so that when DH does what she expected, she blows up.

How much harder is it to simply sweep up the popcorn into a bag and throw it away so that it is out of sight? Really, it's almost like you do it to spite her. Also, if there are any rats or ants as a result of the popcorn you left there, I'm sure it will be up to DW to take care of that too. So in a way, you are just leaving the mess there for her to clean up later. Way to go!

OP - if you are going to ask her to apologize, you better join that up with some talking points on how you are going to shape up your own act and be a better life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing DW's reaction which is clearly over the top, but agree with others that taking DW to the brink of the looney bin took time and I believe that DH is responsible for taking her there.

Her words indicate to me that in her ind DH rarely if ever takes the initiative to do anything to contribute to the family unit. I'm sure that when he says "we" do this and that about taking care of the kids that it is really her doing it and him watching and waiting for her to get done with it.

DW knows she should be constructive and that DH can't read her mind, although it's painfully obvious that he should get off his butt and help out. So, she tells him what to do. She's been doing this more and more lately.

At the same time she tells him what to do, she is thinking in her own mind that DH is going to take the easy way out and just sweep the popocord to the side. DW feels overworked and underappreciated, particularly by clueless DH, so that when DH does what she expected, she blows up.

How much harder is it to simply sweep up the popcorn into a bag and throw it away so that it is out of sight? Really, it's almost like you do it to spite her. Also, if there are any rats or ants as a result of the popcorn you left there, I'm sure it will be up to DW to take care of that too. So in a way, you are just leaving the mess there for her to clean up later. Way to go!

OP - if you are going to ask her to apologize, you better join that up with some talking points on how you are going to shape up your own act and be a better life partner.

You are good! You got ALL of that from his initial post.

That's an awful ot of added facts to justify DW's behavior. I am encouraged though. Most of the women responding did not go the "DW is always justified in her actions" route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing DW's reaction which is clearly over the top, but agree with others that taking DW to the brink of the looney bin took time and I believe that DH is responsible for taking her there.

Her words indicate to me that in her ind DH rarely if ever takes the initiative to do anything to contribute to the family unit. I'm sure that when he says "we" do this and that about taking care of the kids that it is really her doing it and him watching and waiting for her to get done with it.

DW knows she should be constructive and that DH can't read her mind, although it's painfully obvious that he should get off his butt and help out. So, she tells him what to do. She's been doing this more and more lately.

At the same time she tells him what to do, she is thinking in her own mind that DH is going to take the easy way out and just sweep the popocord to the side. DW feels overworked and underappreciated, particularly by clueless DH, so that when DH does what she expected, she blows up.

How much harder is it to simply sweep up the popcorn into a bag and throw it away so that it is out of sight? Really, it's almost like you do it to spite her. Also, if there are any rats or ants as a result of the popcorn you left there, I'm sure it will be up to DW to take care of that too. So in a way, you are just leaving the mess there for her to clean up later. Way to go!

OP - if you are going to ask her to apologize, you better join that up with some talking points on how you are going to shape up your own act and be a better life partner.

The seasoned PP here. I do not care what types of issues we were having, if my spouse ever uttered to me that he hated me (or some variation of that), I would be on the first train smoking out of there. IMO, that level of disdain (no matter how we got there) is VERY hard to come back from. I would not want to live in that type of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing DW's reaction which is clearly over the top, but agree with others that taking DW to the brink of the looney bin took time and I believe that DH is responsible for taking her there.

Her words indicate to me that in her ind DH rarely if ever takes the initiative to do anything to contribute to the family unit. I'm sure that when he says "we" do this and that about taking care of the kids that it is really her doing it and him watching and waiting for her to get done with it.

DW knows she should be constructive and that DH can't read her mind, although it's painfully obvious that he should get off his butt and help out. So, she tells him what to do. She's been doing this more and more lately.

At the same time she tells him what to do, she is thinking in her own mind that DH is going to take the easy way out and just sweep the popocord to the side. DW feels overworked and underappreciated, particularly by clueless DH, so that when DH does what she expected, she blows up.

How much harder is it to simply sweep up the popcorn into a bag and throw it away so that it is out of sight? Really, it's almost like you do it to spite her. Also, if there are any rats or ants as a result of the popcorn you left there, I'm sure it will be up to DW to take care of that too. So in a way, you are just leaving the mess there for her to clean up later. Way to go!

OP - if you are going to ask her to apologize, you better join that up with some talking points on how you are going to shape up your own act and be a better life partner.

You must be clairvoyant to get that much out of the OP. But, then, you probably knew I was going to say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing DW's reaction which is clearly over the top, but agree with others that taking DW to the brink of the looney bin took time and I believe that DH is responsible for taking her there.

Her words indicate to me that in her ind DH rarely if ever takes the initiative to do anything to contribute to the family unit. I'm sure that when he says "we" do this and that about taking care of the kids that it is really her doing it and him watching and waiting for her to get done with it.

DW knows she should be constructive and that DH can't read her mind, although it's painfully obvious that he should get off his butt and help out. So, she tells him what to do. She's been doing this more and more lately.

At the same time she tells him what to do, she is thinking in her own mind that DH is going to take the easy way out and just sweep the popocord to the side. DW feels overworked and underappreciated, particularly by clueless DH, so that when DH does what she expected, she blows up.

How much harder is it to simply sweep up the popcorn into a bag and throw it away so that it is out of sight? Really, it's almost like you do it to spite her. Also, if there are any rats or ants as a result of the popcorn you left there, I'm sure it will be up to DW to take care of that too. So in a way, you are just leaving the mess there for her to clean up later. Way to go!

OP - if you are going to ask her to apologize, you better join that up with some talking points on how you are going to shape up your own act and be a better life partner.

The seasoned PP here. I do not care what types of issues we were having, if my spouse ever uttered to me that he hated me (or some variation of that), I would be on the first train smoking out of there. IMO, that level of disdain (no matter how we got there) is VERY hard to come back from. I would not want to live in that type of marriage.

As a PP who thought OP screwed up by sweeping it onto the ground, I agree that this level of disdain is very hard to come back from, and it's possible OP and his wife can't. If you're going to make an effort at it, though, everyone has to acknowledge and accept their role in it. If stuff like this happens and the OP truly has no responsibility at all, then he needs to accept that he married a completely asshole and either live with it or get out.