Popcorn Problem: how could this have been handled better?

[Anonymous]

It's fucking popcorn & it's outside. You know where corn comes from? Outside. Get it off the walk so people don't have to walk on it or through it. Other than that, mission accomplished.

Your wife is treating you like a servant. Put an end to that. She's not going to love you if she doesn't respect you.

[Anonymous]

Hate is a very strong word. I'd consider marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

I am the wife and that is how I would clean up the popcorn.

[Anonymous]

She wanted you to pick it up because it is a choking hazard. That is the sort of thing a parent should know. That means taking responsibility to educate yourself about safety, not waiting for your wife to explain every little thing. If you are the kind of husband who does the bare minimum and acts like an additional child, then yes, your wife will hate you.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. That's a super hurtful thing for her to say.

Here's the thing. I'm a single mom of a toddler, and I often get a lot of, "wow, how do you do it" responses from folks when I relate that info. I always smile and say something innocuous like, "how does anyone do it? Wow, your kid's cute too!", or something like that. But the truth is that compared to lots (not all, but most) of my married friends, my life is easier. Not logistically, and not time-wise. But conflict-wise. I clean up after myself and my toddler, that's it. I shop for the two of us, I make decisions that go unquestioned, I clean the house and it stays that way until I mess it up again. To hear most of my friends talk, their days are a never-ending treadmill of cleaning, working, child-rearing, then retreating to a bedroom where the partner who usually hasn't done the lion's share of those things is all, "so, we gonna have sex?"

Honestly, I don't mind sleeping alone at this point in my life because caring for the physical and emotional needs of anyone besides myself and my child right now seems almost impossible. And marriage, from what I can tell, absolutely requires attention to those issues. Combine the grind of the early childhood years with that need and you've got two very contrasting forces.

From what I can tell, folks that make through these early years and take the time to work on the marriage when it starts to break down will do well. By the time those kids are in school, you may have time for each other. But you have to make it until then.

Some giant bee flew in your DW's bonnet and that's where that comment came from. Completely out of line, but not the biggest issue here. Maybe she feels like one of my friends who does almost everything in the house and works full time as well. When we go to parties they all look like happy couples but the ones who confide in me tell me a very different story about how things are on the inside. I'm privately rooting for most of them and hope they make it through, but it will take work. Talk to her about what work you guys need to do. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted you to pick it up because it is a choking hazard.

Unless your the DW ur reading into this. Children were playing with the popcorn so OP isnt worried about choking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

You are me.

[Anonymous]

I can totally imagine a very similar scenerio. Are you always half-assing responsibilities, leaving them to your wife to complete?

[Anonymous]

Knowing nothing more than what you said here: sounds like your wife is really tired. Either physically or in other ways.

I can imagine on days when I feel exhausted, blowing up at my husband over something trivial like this. On days I don't, I can imagine not caring one whit about the stupid popcorn.

But, maybe I'm reading too much into things here, but the way you wrote the rest of your post sounds like you think of yourself as kind of a martyr here. You finished sweeping away the popcorn then went back to your chores, and tending to your child, etc.

Could be your wife's a controlling monster, could be that you make it seem as if every thing you have to do around the house is some kind of great burden.

Could just be you could both use a little break from household obligations.

Impossible to say without more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

You are me.

Me too. I would never use the word hate, or even think it, but the number of times I have asked him to do something, only to have him break more than he fixed and/or leave tools all over the floor when he's done... too many to count. I just do it myself now. He is totally missing the "clean up after yourself" gene. It's exhausting. OTOH, he got extra copies of the "likes to give long backrubs" gene, so that keeps us from going into the hate zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

I don't think I'd want to help out if my partner redid everything. If you're going to bitch and do it over, what's the point in him putting effort into it? Just do it yourself if it must be done a certain way. You'll hurt your marriage by nitpicking over something unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

You are me.

She is a LOT of us!

[Anonymous]

"this is why I hate you"-- Good lord.

OP, your wife is verbally abusing you. Seek individual therapy for yourself. You don't have to live like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. That's a super hurtful thing for her to say.

Here's the thing. I'm a single mom of a toddler, and I often get a lot of, "wow, how do you do it" responses from folks when I relate that info. I always smile and say something innocuous like, "how does anyone do it? Wow, your kid's cute too!", or something like that. But the truth is that compared to lots (not all, but most) of my married friends, my life is easier. Not logistically, and not time-wise. But conflict-wise. I clean up after myself and my toddler, that's it. I shop for the two of us, I make decisions that go unquestioned, I clean the house and it stays that way until I mess it up again. To hear most of my friends talk, their days are a never-ending treadmill of cleaning, working, child-rearing, then retreating to a bedroom where the partner who usually hasn't done the lion's share of those things is all, "so, we gonna have sex?"

Honestly, I don't mind sleeping alone at this point in my life because caring for the physical and emotional needs of anyone besides myself and my child right now seems almost impossible. And marriage, from what I can tell, absolutely requires attention to those issues. Combine the grind of the early childhood years with that need and you've got two very contrasting forces.

From what I can tell, folks that make through these early years and take the time to work on the marriage when it starts to break down will do well. By the time those kids are in school, you may have time for each other. But you have to make it until then.

Some giant bee flew in your DW's bonnet and that's where that comment came from. Completely out of line, but not the biggest issue here. Maybe she feels like one of my friends who does almost everything in the house and works full time as well. When we go to parties they all look like happy couples but the ones who confide in me tell me a very different story about how things are on the inside. I'm privately rooting for most of them and hope they make it through, but it will take work. Talk to her about what work you guys need to do. I wish you the best.

Living apart from DH now due to work (we both have great jobs on separate coasts) and it is soooooo nice to get a glimmer of what your life is like full time! If it wasn't for the weekends that he comes to visit, makes a huge mess, undermines my rules/schedules with the kids and talks non-stop about how tired HE is, I might actually be able to enjoy the short time we spend together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, sorry to add to the nagging, but I wouldn't consider sweeping it off to the side to be "cleaning it up". Though your wife's reaction is clearly a problem as well. Sounds like some counseling may be in order.

+1 You both need help.