Popcorn Problem: how could this have been handled better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

I'd just like point out that, no matter what you think, you already have both insects and rodents in and around your yard.

Exactly. And that's why I don't want to encourage them closer toward my house.

[Anonymous]

It is completely reasonable to sweep popcorn onto the grass for birds and squirrels to eat.

It's also reasonable to prefer not to make popcorn available to birds, etc if you are hyoervigilant against squirrels, etc. personally, I say the more the merrier to critters....

What's unreasonable is the Virgil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Racoons, man. The hell with birds and ants.

Rats

Popcorn is a significant choking hazard. I wouldn't want it on my lawn.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW, and I would have done what you did with the popcorn.

Your problem seems to be that you haven't married a very nice person. Possibly could be why you asked the internet instead of asking her directly how to handle this better. I have a definite vibe that she would have escalated her tirade if you had done that.

Saying "this is why I HATE you" is not normal, and extremely hurtful. Saying that in front of your kids is reprehensible. Treating their father like that in front of them damages their sense of security in your bond, their view of you, and their view of marriage. I repeat, she is not a nice or safe person. There may be other factors at play besides the popcorn incident, otherwise that definitely escalated quickly. I would reccommend counseling for the two of you, since I have no idea what else to suggest for a person that would even think of doing this in front of their children.

Even more troubling is the amount of female posters that think this sort of behavior is all right, or is in anyway justifying it. It is not okay to treat anyone like this, especially the person you took vows with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, and I would have done what you did with the popcorn.

Your problem seems to be that you haven't married a very nice person. Possibly could be why you asked the internet instead of asking her directly how to handle this better. I have a definite vibe that she would have escalated her tirade if you had done that.

Saying "this is why I HATE you" is not normal, and extremely hurtful. Saying that in front of your kids is reprehensible. Treating their father like that in front of them damages their sense of security in your bond, their view of you, and their view of marriage. I repeat, she is not a nice or safe person. There may be other factors at play besides the popcorn incident, otherwise that definitely escalated quickly. I would reccommend counseling for the two of you, since I have no idea what else to suggest for a person that would even think of doing this in front of their children.

Even more troubling is the amount of female posters that think this sort of behavior is all right, or is in anyway justifying it. It is not okay to treat anyone like this, especially the person you took vows with.

+1

If the genders were reversed, every other post would be "divorce him!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the popcorn. You guys are in a bad place if you're fighting about this. Objectively, I agree with her that you didn't clean up the popcorn, but her vehement reaction saying she "hates" you shows there are other issues.

+1. You didn't clean it up by any definition. And her anger and very hard words reflect a deeper problem. Counseling. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, and I would have done what you did with the popcorn.

Your problem seems to be that you haven't married a very nice person. Possibly could be why you asked the internet instead of asking her directly how to handle this better. I have a definite vibe that she would have escalated her tirade if you had done that.

Saying "this is why I HATE you" is not normal, and extremely hurtful. Saying that in front of your kids is reprehensible. Treating their father like that in front of them damages their sense of security in your bond, their view of you, and their view of marriage. I repeat, she is not a nice or safe person. There may be other factors at play besides the popcorn incident, otherwise that definitely escalated quickly. I would reccommend counseling for the two of you, since I have no idea what else to suggest for a person that would even think of doing this in front of their children.

Even more troubling is the amount of female posters that think this sort of behavior is all right, or is in anyway justifying it. It is not okay to treat anyone like this, especially the person you took vows with.

+1

If the genders were reversed, every other post would be "divorce him!"

I don't think so. There isn't one poster here saying "this is why I hate you" is acceptable. The posters that think it's ok to mother or boss your husband are another issue. That behavior effectively communicates "I think you're so inept that I have to tell you what to do, how to do it, and when, and then punish you if it doesn't done when and how I like." That's not part of your vows, ladies. Step back and give it another look.

[Anonymous]

If you are happy to fantasize about the life of a single mom, then live it.

Single mom PP here. I don't think she was "fantasizing about my life", but merely acknowledging the toll these daily issues can take on the marriage/family. Four pages later, the conversation's still going, so other folks see it too.

Way to take a shot at both of us in one sentence, though.

[Anonymous]

You were lazy and did not clean it up. I think her reaction sounds a bit over the top but if you "clean up" that way normally she is probably sick of it!

My DH would have picked up the popcorn and so would I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you are happy to fantasize about the life of a single mom, then live it.

Single mom PP here. I don't think she was "fantasizing about my life", but merely acknowledging the toll these daily issues can take on the marriage/family. Four pages later, the conversation's still going, so other folks see it too.

Way to take a shot at both of us in one sentence, though.

It's interesting that you noted the length of this thread. To me that suggests this is a topic and/or situation that really resonates with people. I've been there as a husband - something not done the way DW expects, she explodes, I get pissed, and the merry-go-round starts to turn. How does a couple stop the cycle? To me, the issue is NOT the relationship, but how each individual responds to anxiety, stress, or shame inducing situations. More importantly, knowing (or not knowing) what your own triggers for anxiety and anger are, and how to communicate these to your spouse, are at the core. In this case, yes, Mrs Popcorn clearly has triggers, but so does Mr Popcorn, I.e., does he really not know his wife well enough to predict what she wanted here? And if so, did he (sub) consciously lash out at her by doing the thing he knew would activate her trigger??

To the single mom - I'm not sure anyone took a shot at you....most of us just envy the person capable of living life by their own rules. (That was a compliment, by the way)

[Anonymous]

Dude, you have serious problems in your marriage. She feels over-whelmed and as if she is doing more than her share of the work. You are clueless and think it is about the right way to clean up popcorn. You need counseling.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman. I wouldn't have bothered to sweep it to the side or ask anyone else to do it and just left it as is. Plenty of birds, squirrels, etc that would take care of it.

What I find is that lots of women just want to bitch that their DH's don't do enough even when there is nothing for either of them to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman. I wouldn't have bothered to sweep it to the side or ask anyone else to do it and just left it as is. Plenty of birds, squirrels, etc that would take care of it.

What I find is that lots of women just want to bitch that their DH's don't do enough even when there is nothing for either of them to do.

And then if the husbands don't do as required, sex is used as the bargaining chip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW, and I would have done what you did with the popcorn.

Your problem seems to be that you haven't married a very nice person. Possibly could be why you asked the internet instead of asking her directly how to handle this better. I have a definite vibe that she would have escalated her tirade if you had done that.

Saying "this is why I HATE you" is not normal, and extremely hurtful. Saying that in front of your kids is reprehensible. Treating their father like that in front of them damages their sense of security in your bond, their view of you, and their view of marriage. I repeat, she is not a nice or safe person. There may be other factors at play besides the popcorn incident, otherwise that definitely escalated quickly. I would reccommend counseling for the two of you, since I have no idea what else to suggest for a person that would even think of doing this in front of their children.

Even more troubling is the amount of female posters that think this sort of behavior is all right, or is in anyway justifying it. It is not okay to treat anyone like this, especially the person you took vows with.

+1

If the genders were reversed, every other post would be "divorce him!"

I don't think so. There isn't one poster here saying "this is why I hate you" is acceptable. The posters that think it's ok to mother or boss your husband are another issue. That behavior effectively communicates "I think you're so inept that I have to tell you what to do, how to do it, and when, and then punish you if it doesn't done when and how I like." That's not part of your vows, ladies. Step back and give it another look.

PP here. You're right, they aren't specifically saying that the behavior is acceptable, but they are all chiming in with stories of lazy husbands that don't clean things the right way, and how their husband is lucky that they don't loathe him enough to say it out loud in front of their kids (which means that they loathe him, but lucky him, they keep it to themselves). A kid can see that kind of tension too. All justifying the wife's behavior. Sounds like a lot of husbands are just one popcorn-mistep from having their kids hear the same thing. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sure this is not the first time you have blown off a chore. Or felt sorry for yourself after you did it. Or asked someone else to feel sorry for you when you did it. If you value your relationship, you will think hard about why she said this. I am sure it did not come from no where. Nice try, though, picking something innocuous to make your point.