Popcorn Problem: how could this have been handled better?

[Anonymous]

Holy cow I think you are married to my brother`s wife! If you are waiting til the kids are 18 to leave, please reconsider. We will support you 100% if there is a custody battle. Life is too short to put up with this crap!

[Anonymous]

I meant my husband`s sister. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

oh god take a, breath. Be thankful he tries. I bet that nothing he ever does will please you. With all that is going on in the world you have to bitch about little things. Be glad you have a dh who is home, not out screwing around and actually tries to help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the popcorn. You guys are in a bad place if you're fighting about this.

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[Anonymous]

If your DH is doing something you told him to do half-assed, is it possible that he thinks your request is stupid or is something that doesn't need doing or doesn't need doing right now or isn't half as important as you think it is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. That's a super hurtful thing for her to say.

Here's the thing. I'm a single mom of a toddler, and I often get a lot of, "wow, how do you do it" responses from folks when I relate that info. I always smile and say something innocuous like, "how does anyone do it? Wow, your kid's cute too!", or something like that. But the truth is that compared to lots (not all, but most) of my married friends, my life is easier. Not logistically, and not time-wise. But conflict-wise. I clean up after myself and my toddler, that's it. I shop for the two of us, I make decisions that go unquestioned, I clean the house and it stays that way until I mess it up again. To hear most of my friends talk, their days are a never-ending treadmill of cleaning, working, child-rearing, then retreating to a bedroom where the partner who usually hasn't done the lion's share of those things is all, "so, we gonna have sex?"

Honestly, I don't mind sleeping alone at this point in my life because caring for the physical and emotional needs of anyone besides myself and my child right now seems almost impossible. And marriage, from what I can tell, absolutely requires attention to those issues. Combine the grind of the early childhood years with that need and you've got two very contrasting forces.

From what I can tell, folks that make through these early years and take the time to work on the marriage when it starts to break down will do well. By the time those kids are in school, you may have time for each other. But you have to make it until then.

Some giant bee flew in your DW's bonnet and that's where that comment came from. Completely out of line, but not the biggest issue here. Maybe she feels like one of my friends who does almost everything in the house and works full time as well. When we go to parties they all look like happy couples but the ones who confide in me tell me a very different story about how things are on the inside. I'm privately rooting for most of them and hope they make it through, but it will take work. Talk to her about what work you guys need to do. I wish you the best.

Living apart from DH now due to work (we both have great jobs on separate coasts) and it is soooooo nice to get a glimmer of what your life is like full time! If it wasn't for the weekends that he comes to visit, makes a huge mess, undermines my rules/schedules with the kids and talks non-stop about how tired HE is, I might actually be able to enjoy the short time we spend together.

If you are happy to fantasize about the life of a single mom, then live it.

[Anonymous]

Where do I start. I think you have to tread very carefully when asking for help so it doesn't come out as a command. My DH normally jumps to do things when something spills or needs to be fixed. I try to be aware and ask what do you need me to do to help him out or jump in and do it if I feel comfortable that it won't cause him more work. When I am chauffeuring the kids around he will offer to help. If help is not forthcoming but needed the best way to ask is to request help while you are handling something at the time ...with the person having the option to take over that task. So for example, if DW was washing the dishes, she should said why she wasn't available to clean up the popcorn right then and given you the option of taking over the task keeping her from cleaning up the popcorn. " We need to cleanable up the popcorn so we don't get ants, do you want to finish up washing the dishes while I clean up the popcorn Or would you rather clean it up". Then you can think, hmmm, I would just kick it in the grass and I bet that's not the way she wants it cleaned up,washing dishes is the better option for me OR being straightforward that you are in a rush to get the kids ready and out the door and if she cleans up the popcorn now, you will wash the dishes when you get back with the kids.

It was definitely not cool for her to demand you do something she could have done or said I hate you in front of the kids when it wasn't done. I'm not sure if you were being passive agressive kicking the popcorn into the grass but I would think if that was the answer she would have said, could you move the popcorn off the side and kick it into the grass versus cleaning it up. You should know if your wife is laid back about those birds/insects and food in the yard or would be hyper worried about the kids picking food up to eat off the ground. So anyway, examine your motives, were you feeling like you had a schedule, didn't like the way she "asked" etc, and address it after the kids are asleep and own up to it or genuinely apologize if you really didn't know and didn't have any issues with her telling you what to do. Call her on how she speaks to you in front of the kids when she is upset. She can be upset and frustrated but saying This is why I hate you in front if the kids no less, that will undermine the marriage and give the kids a bad example. I talk to our kids all the time that they can't go from 0-60 yelling and saying I hate you (to us) because they are upset. If they do this at work, they will have no job. If they do it to their friends, they will have no friends. That you wouldn't want someone you are dating to speak to you that way and you don't see us (mom and dad) speak to each other that way.

[Anonymous]

This is simple. Women hate men because men don't listen. She didn't ask you if you could sweep it to the side for birds, she asked you to clean it up, i.e. get it up. You didn't listen. Whatever your rationale regarding birds or whatever is irrelevant YOU DIDN'T LISTEN! "This is why I hate you!"

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd want to help out if my partner redid everything. If you're going to bitch and do it over, what's the point in him putting effort into it? Just do it yourself if it must be done a certain way. You'll hurt your marriage by nitpicking over something unimportant.

Same here.

Also, if my DH said "This is why I hate you", sirens would be going off. That's not a normal reaction and she definitely should not have said it in front of the kids. You have marital issues that need to be addressed and your DW needs to recognize how damaging her words are to your relationship and to your kids.

As far as sweeping the popcorn to the yard, I would have done the same thing. It's fucking popcorn. The birds will eat it or it will disintegrate. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

You were lazy. The last thing I would want is to attract even more squirrels and to have to deal with bird shit everywhere. You should have cleaned it up. However, she never should have said she hated you in front if the kids. Her reaction was crazy. But, I am guessing this is your usual behavior and she got sick of cleaning up after you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

I don't think I'd want to help out if my partner redid everything. If you're going to bitch and do it over, what's the point in him putting effort into it? Just do it yourself if it must be done a certain way. You'll hurt your marriage by nitpicking over something unimportant.

PP here. If my DH washes dishes, but doesn't bother doing more than a quick swipe so there's still visible food on them? Yeah, I'm going to rewash those before I put them away. Leaves the laundry in the washing machine for so long is smells strongly of mildew when it comes out of the dryer? I'm going to rewash it. I'm not re-straightening the towels after he folds them or reorganizing the canned goods after he puts the groceries away, we're talking about true cleanliness issues, and the kids and I shouldn't have to live in squalor because he can't be bothered acting like an adult and just doing it right (or at least noticing when he's not done it well and fixing the situation).

[Anonymous]

How much popcorn are we talking about? A few kernels? An entire microwave popcorn bag? A large kettle corn carnival bag? One of those Xmas tins full of three flavors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is simple. Women hate men because men don't listen. She didn't ask you if you could sweep it to the side for birds, she asked you to clean it up, i.e. get it up. You didn't listen. Whatever your rationale regarding birds or whatever is irrelevant YOU DIDN'T LISTEN! "This is why I hate you!"

And by "listen," you mean "obey."

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not her servant. Somehow, she thinks of you as her little "helper." I notice that a lot of couples get into this dynamic. Women lose respect for men that 1) let themselves get bossed around and 2) don't take initiative to get things done.

It sounds like a regime change is in order. This is your household too. Make a list of what needs to get done in the house and tell her that you will be discussing what both of your responsibilities will be around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

I'd just like point out that, no matter what you think, you already have both insects and rodents in and around your yard.