My child broke my trust completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

You broke the trust between you and your child....by hitting him.

+1 what are you goign to do when he gets older and does something worse?

+1

If you are spanking a 10 year old child and he works and never does anything bad again, OK.

But I presume you also spanked him when he was 3 and 5 and 7 and 8 and 9, right? And he STILL hasn't learned to do the right thing. So he's going to keep on doing wring things... are you going to keep on spanking him, when he is 13 and 15 and 17??

Again, I don't believe in spanking but this is stupid. No matter what discipline method you choose, your kids will not outgrow doing things wrong until they are adults. Of course he does things wrong growing up -- he is a kid -- whether you use time outs, taking away privileges or whatever, it is a process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

Children up to age 18 get spanked in public schools daily. A parent can't ?

That's pretty limited to southern states. They certainly can't do that in VA, DC or Maryland.

For the geographically challenged out there, MD, VA, and DC ARE in the South. Check out where the Mason-Dixon line is.

Maryland is not in the South. That's why the state motto is "The Free State" -- because we are the first northern state.

Lol. No. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

Children up to age 18 get spanked in public schools daily. A parent can't ?

That's pretty limited to southern states. They certainly can't do that in VA, DC or Maryland.

For the geographically challenged out there, MD, VA, and DC ARE in the South. Check out where the Mason-Dixon line is.

Maryland is not in the South. That's why the state motto is "The Free State" -- because we are the first northern state.

Lol. No. Just no.

"Maryland is known as both the Old Line State and the Free State.

Free State. Maryland was first recognized as a "Free State" on November 1, 1864." [The Civil War ended in 1865, FYI.] "On that date, the Maryland Constitution of 1864 took effect. By its provisions, slavery within the State's borders was abolished, and Maryland, indeed, became a free state. To celebrate the emancipation, under direction of the Baltimore City Council, five hundred guns were fired, bells were rung, and flags displayed "to attest the joy of the people at their great deliverance."



http://msa.maryland.gov/msa/mdmanual/01glance/html/nickname.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

You broke the trust between you and your child....by hitting him.

+1 what are you goign to do when he gets older and does something worse?

+1

If you are spanking a 10 year old child and he works and never does anything bad again, OK.

But I presume you also spanked him when he was 3 and 5 and 7 and 8 and 9, right? And he STILL hasn't learned to do the right thing. So he's going to keep on doing wring things... are you going to keep on spanking him, when he is 13 and 15 and 17??

Again, I don't believe in spanking but this is stupid. No matter what discipline method you choose, your kids will not outgrow doing things wrong until they are adults. Of course he does things wrong growing up -- he is a kid -- whether you use time outs, taking away privileges or whatever, it is a process.

That wasn't my experience as a child, nor has it been my experience with my own kids (who are now 9 and 13) Once we kids (or my own kids) hit school age, we basically did what we were supposed to do. In fact I don't EVER recall being punished as a school aged child or teenager. Nor were my other 3 siblings punished. No time outs, no groundings, nothing.

Once my brother's grades really slipped, and he had to give up a sport until he brought them back up. But that's not really "punishment" just a natural consequence.

My parents were pretty upfront about the fact that we were part of the family, they expected us to behave as part of the family, and if we had trouble doing so, we talked it out and figured what the problem was. We didn't need to be punished; we WANTED to be part of the family and to help out, behave, and do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

You broke the trust between you and your child....by hitting him.

+1 what are you goign to do when he gets older and does something worse?

+1

If you are spanking a 10 year old child and he works and never does anything bad again, OK.

But I presume you also spanked him when he was 3 and 5 and 7 and 8 and 9, right? And he STILL hasn't learned to do the right thing. So he's going to keep on doing wring things... are you going to keep on spanking him, when he is 13 and 15 and 17??

Again, I don't believe in spanking but this is stupid. No matter what discipline method you choose, your kids will not outgrow doing things wrong until they are adults. Of course he does things wrong growing up -- he is a kid -- whether you use time outs, taking away privileges or whatever, it is a process.

That wasn't my experience as a child, nor has it been my experience with my own kids (who are now 9 and 13) Once we kids (or my own kids) hit school age, we basically did what we were supposed to do. In fact I don't EVER recall being punished as a school aged child or teenager. Nor were my other 3 siblings punished. No time outs, no groundings, nothing.

Once my brother's grades really slipped, and he had to give up a sport until he brought them back up. But that's not really "punishment" just a natural consequence.

My parents were pretty upfront about the fact that we were part of the family, they expected us to behave as part of the family, and if we had trouble doing so, we talked it out and figured what the problem was. We didn't need to be punished; we WANTED to be part of the family and to help out, behave, and do the right thing.

Of course you did not always do what you were supposed to. You said so in your post. But your parents' way of dealing with it was extraordinary. I would love this for my kids but -- it would not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents were pretty upfront about the fact that we were part of the family, they expected us to behave as part of the family, and if we had trouble doing so, we talked it out and figured what the problem was. We didn't need to be punished; we WANTED to be part of the family and to help out, behave, and do the right thing.

Of course you did not always do what you were supposed to. You said so in your post. But your parents' way of dealing with it was extraordinary. I would love this for my kids but -- it would not work.

No, I meant, if we had trouble doing something our parents told us, we talked about it ahead of time. Like, if they said they needed me to babysit my younger brothers on Sat, but I had other plans... we talked about it. They didn't just insist and make me do what they wanted ("My way or the highway").

I think if you raise your kids this way from the start (as opposed to spanking them and giving time outs for their transgressions) you have a greater likelihood of ending up with teenagers you can actually trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

You broke the trust between you and your child....by hitting him.

+1 what are you goign to do when he gets older and does something worse?

+1

If you are spanking a 10 year old child and he works and never does anything bad again, OK.

But I presume you also spanked him when he was 3 and 5 and 7 and 8 and 9, right? And he STILL hasn't learned to do the right thing. So he's going to keep on doing wring things... are you going to keep on spanking him, when he is 13 and 15 and 17??

Again, I don't believe in spanking but this is stupid. No matter what discipline method you choose, your kids will not outgrow doing things wrong until they are adults. Of course he does things wrong growing up -- he is a kid -- whether you use time outs, taking away privileges or whatever, it is a process.

That wasn't my experience as a child, nor has it been my experience with my own kids (who are now 9 and 13) Once we kids (or my own kids) hit school age, we basically did what we were supposed to do. In fact I don't EVER recall being punished as a school aged child or teenager. Nor were my other 3 siblings punished. No time outs, no groundings, nothing.

Once my brother's grades really slipped, and he had to give up a sport until he brought them back up. But that's not really "punishment" just a natural consequence.

My parents were pretty upfront about the fact that we were part of the family, they expected us to behave as part of the family, and if we had trouble doing so, we talked it out and figured what the problem was. We didn't need to be punished; we WANTED to be part of the family and to help out, behave, and do the right thing.

Of course you did not always do what you were supposed to. You said so in your post. But your parents' way of dealing with it was extraordinary. I would love this for my kids but -- it would not work.

How do you know? Have you tried?

[Anonymous]

My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm posting this having only read the first 3 pages of the thread.

I was struck by two things:
1) Your frantic search for the missing $60 while your children watched, and
2) That your son wanted to show his grandparents that he was being good by helping around the house.

When I read #1, all I could imagine is that in your son's situation, I would have been so afraid of admitting that I took the money. You were so upset about the loss, it would be especially daunting to admit having taken the money. You sort of "raised the emotional bar" on admitting to the theft.

Second, I think it's remarkable that your son was motivated by wanting to impress his grandparents. Taken with #1, your son seems to really care that others have a good opinion of him. This suggests that he has a strong moral core.

As for your question, why didn't he just put the money back? Honestly, as a 10 year old, he might have just not thought of doing that. It seems so obvious, but it might not have been, especially if he was overwhelmed by his emotions of guilt and concern about other's good opinion.

I guess my bottom line opinion is that you should tread carefully in the way you express your acceptance/love/approval of your son. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong, but he also needs to know that you still love and accept him. Do whatever you need to punish him for these transgressions, but also give him opportunities to impress and make you proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he needs more connection to you and maybe some more time one-on-one with you where you build (re-build) your loving connection.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/building-relationship

"Kids form their view of themselves and the world every day. They need your encouragement to see themselves as good people who are capable of good things. And they need to know you're on their side. If most of what comes out of your mouth is correction or criticism, they won't feel good about themselves, and they won't feel like you're their ally. You lose your only leverage with them, and they lose something every kid needs: to know they have an adult who thinks the world of them."

PP here. Yes, THIS! (Put more succinctly than what I wrote!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

I agree -- that is crazy! The teen years are a time of changing and finding themselves. To hold against your adult son something he did when he was 13 is INSANE. To be cold to him, not trust him with a credit card to pay a bill if no one is there to supervise him is WAY over the top. It is not sensible. Your DH is an idiot with a cold heart.