My child broke my trust completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

Your DH was raised that way but its pretty pathetic that as an adult he wasn't able to mature and realize "that's just the way it is" is not a good reason to continue doing something. Your DS turns out to be the winner in the situation as does your grandson. Neither have to put up with either of your crappy parenting/grand parenting. If I was your DS, I, too, would keep my child far away from your mentally ill husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP knew what she was doing when she made up this post.... It doesn't even make sense to me. You were frantically looking for 60 bucks for tuition, yet you say money isn't an issue. Go to the ATM and get out 60 more bucks. Who pays tuition in cash anyways. Why would you use the bathroom and put the money in a drawer, vs on top of the counter? And why would your son know to go to that specific bathroom drawer to find money? I call BS.

This. Op is a strange bird.

[Anonymous]

to the OP, I have no problem with spanking, we need more of it! I have three and they were all spanked. I respect parents who dont spank, but there is nothing wrong with those of us who do. After he lied to your face several times, yes he deserved to be spanked. I firmly believe you discipline them firmly when they are toddler to preteen, so by the time they are teens they wont be telling you what they will and will not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

I haven't left any information out, DS is DH's son. He was never the easiest kid to raise, but that was the big thing that broke our trust. DH has never had any major psych problem that we know of, though he tends to be a bit old fashioned.

It's not like we abused DS after that- far from it! After he paid us back, we were not awful to him or anything, but we (and especially DH) didn't give him as much freedom in terms of money- one of the ways he stole money from us was that we would give him a 20 dollar bill for a 15 haircut, and instead of tipping the barber he would pocket the five dollars, or we would give him $40 to go to the mall and he would claim he spent it all on clothes (which would be acceptable to us), but would pocket some of it, so we didn't do stuff like that anymore, always just giving him exact change if we sent him to do something on his own, or being there ourselves to pay.

And we paid for most of his college, it's not like we held back stuff just to be petty, it's just that DS doesn't, and probably will never, have DH's full trust back. I've sat down with the two of them, and tried to work it out, but it always seems to end with DS being angry at DH because DH isn't willing to just drop it, and DH being angry at DS because he doesn't thinks DS realizes just how big a breach of trust he committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

I haven't left any information out, DS is DH's son. He was never the easiest kid to raise, but that was the big thing that broke our trust. DH has never had any major psych problem that we know of, though he tends to be a bit old fashioned.

It's not like we abused DS after that- far from it! After he paid us back, we were not awful to him or anything, but we (and especially DH) didn't give him as much freedom in terms of money- one of the ways he stole money from us was that we would give him a 20 dollar bill for a 15 haircut, and instead of tipping the barber he would pocket the five dollars, or we would give him $40 to go to the mall and he would claim he spent it all on clothes (which would be acceptable to us), but would pocket some of it, so we didn't do stuff like that anymore, always just giving him exact change if we sent him to do something on his own, or being there ourselves to pay.

And we paid for most of his college, it's not like we held back stuff just to be petty, it's just that DS doesn't, and probably will never, have DH's full trust back. I've sat down with the two of them, and tried to work it out, but it always seems to end with DS being angry at DH because DH isn't willing to just drop it, and DH being angry at DS because he doesn't thinks DS realizes just how big a breach of trust he committed.

NP here. Seriously? Your DS hasn't given you any reason to not trust him EXCEPT for the fact that he stole some $ from you WHEN HE WAS 13? For the love of all things holy, it is time to forgive and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

If my DD didn't pocket the extra change when we sent her to run an errand I would tell her to keep it. I thought that's just what kids did- typical behavior and not that sneaky or deviant.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

I haven't left any information out, DS is DH's son. He was never the easiest kid to raise, but that was the big thing that broke our trust. DH has never had any major psych problem that we know of, though he tends to be a bit old fashioned.

It's not like we abused DS after that- far from it! After he paid us back, we were not awful to him or anything, but we (and especially DH) didn't give him as much freedom in terms of money- one of the ways he stole money from us was that we would give him a 20 dollar bill for a 15 haircut, and instead of tipping the barber he would pocket the five dollars, or we would give him $40 to go to the mall and he would claim he spent it all on clothes (which would be acceptable to us), but would pocket some of it, so we didn't do stuff like that anymore, always just giving him exact change if we sent him to do something on his own, or being there ourselves to pay.

And we paid for most of his college, it's not like we held back stuff just to be petty, it's just that DS doesn't, and probably will never, have DH's full trust back. I've sat down with the two of them, and tried to work it out, but it always seems to end with DS being angry at DH because DH isn't willing to just drop it, and DH being angry at DS because he doesn't thinks DS realizes just how big a breach of trust he committed.

[Anonymous]

^^ Oops- I meant to write- I thought it was normal behavior for kids to pocket the extra change when they run an errand for the parents (unless there are serious financial issues). If my DD brought back change after getting her hair cut I would tell her to keep it anyway. Seriously PP- your DS doesn't sound deviant. it's probably best that he (and his family) are distant from you and DH. It seems bizarre.

[Anonymous]

PP, your DS and grandchild are better off distant.

Please think of your 18 year old DD. She either sympathizes with her big brother or detests him. But either way, she knows that if she crosses the wrong line, then her father and mother will semi-disown her. Not financially but emotionally. Poor girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, your DS and grandchild are better off distant.

Please think of your 18 year old DD. She either sympathizes with her big brother or detests him. But either way, she knows that if she crosses the wrong line, then her father and mother will semi-disown her. Not financially but emotionally. Poor girl.

+1 she can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

I haven't left any information out, DS is DH's son. He was never the easiest kid to raise, but that was the big thing that broke our trust. DH has never had any major psych problem that we know of, though he tends to be a bit old fashioned.

It's not like we abused DS after that- far from it! After he paid us back, we were not awful to him or anything, but we (and especially DH) didn't give him as much freedom in terms of money- one of the ways he stole money from us was that we would give him a 20 dollar bill for a 15 haircut, and instead of tipping the barber he would pocket the five dollars, or we would give him $40 to go to the mall and he would claim he spent it all on clothes (which would be acceptable to us), but would pocket some of it, so we didn't do stuff like that anymore, always just giving him exact change if we sent him to do something on his own, or being there ourselves to pay.

And we paid for most of his college, it's not like we held back stuff just to be petty, it's just that DS doesn't, and probably will never, have DH's full trust back. I've sat down with the two of them, and tried to work it out, but it always seems to end with DS being angry at DH because DH isn't willing to just drop it, and DH being angry at DS because he doesn't thinks DS realizes just how big a breach of trust he committed.

I'm 37, and as a kid, used to steal from people all the time. My parents, my grandmother once, my cousins, etc. I grew out of it in my late high school years. I am now anal about having something of someone else's. If I borrow a pen from your desk, I give it back. Thank god my parents let it go eventually. Weirdly, my mother hasn't let go of the time I was 4 and knocked a big vase off the piano. She finds a way to bring it up every time we get together, to the point it makes me limit my interactions with her. Your husband needs to let this go. Your son did something stupid, although age-appropriate. He has more than learned his lesson. He is not going to steal from you again, and I am sure your son DOES realize the depth of the breach of trust and just doesn't act like it because he wants to move on already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stole around $50-100 from us when he was 13, so unlike a lot of PPs we actually have experience with this.

The money wasn't a big deal for us, we were (and are) fairly well off, and honestly we would not have noticed had he not confessed to it. Obviously had money been tighter, it probably been worse, but it felt awful anyway to know that our DS had been stealing from us.

We punished him by making him pay us back from the odd jobs he did for us/neighbors (mowing the lawn, washing windows, etc) and not getting lunch money (having to brown bag it to lunch).

It did shake our trust in him, especially my DH's, who to this day doesn't 100% trust him but he has grown up, gone to college, and now teachers High School, and I am incredibly proud of the man he has become. My DH will probably never get over it, but I certainly have, and I view it as him pushing the boundaries and being an asshole (excuse my French).

While we were obviously pissed when he confessed, I don't think spanking, even if he was younger, would have been appropriate. I am not against spanking, but I believe that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, this is a major breach of trust, but he (like my son) eventually came clean. Again, my DS confessed a few months later, after he thought we might have caught him (we hadn't), but to me, spanking say, "you have done something so bad, without any apology or remorse, that I need to show you that I am willing to hurt the kid that I love dearly to make a point," in both my case and yours, you should tailer the punishment to the fact that they confessed, like having the kid pay you back, and taking away some privilege.

Your DH has serious issues if he can't forgive his grown son for something he did at 13.

Guy you quoted here, I wouldn't say that. I think we grew up in very different environments and that kind of influenced our reaction. He grew up in a family where trust and respect was earned while I grew up in one where trust was part of being a family. It's not like he didn't forgive DS, it's just that he won't trust him around money.

For instance, he might give DD (18) his credit card to run and get some groceries on the way back from school, or to pay for a meal if he has to go off to the bathroom, but if it was DS, he would not trust him to do this. Seeing as DS is an adult with a family, job, and home of his own, clearly this opportunity does not happen that often, but I can recall specific times when it has. DH also acts a bit colder to DS then DD or me, and I know that DS knows this, but again it is just how DH was raised.

My only regret is because of this, I haven't had the chance to see my 2 year old grandson as much as I would like to, because my DS is understandably miffed at DH's reaction and coldness towards him.

When OP said her 10 broke her trust completely, this is what I interpreted her meaning. I think it's nuts. I think your DH is nuts (and you for not going around him to see your grandson), and the OP too.

You can see this as a learning experience, a youthful mistake, or an indication of his character. However, to let an incident at 10 or 13 ruin your relationship with your child forever is simply dumb. In my opinion.

+1 And grandchild. Wow! PP- what the hell is REALLY going on in your family that DS stealing money at 13 y/o morphs into a multigenerational rift? What information have you not included because all I can think of is that:

A- DS did WAY more than you told us about.
B- DS is not DH's son
C- DH has a severe psychological problem
D- All of the above.

PP what are you willing to do to fix this (if it can be fixed at all at this late date)?

I haven't left any information out, DS is DH's son. He was never the easiest kid to raise, but that was the big thing that broke our trust. DH has never had any major psych problem that we know of, though he tends to be a bit old fashioned.

It's not like we abused DS after that- far from it! After he paid us back, we were not awful to him or anything, but we (and especially DH) didn't give him as much freedom in terms of money- one of the ways he stole money from us was that we would give him a 20 dollar bill for a 15 haircut, and instead of tipping the barber he would pocket the five dollars, or we would give him $40 to go to the mall and he would claim he spent it all on clothes (which would be acceptable to us), but would pocket some of it, so we didn't do stuff like that anymore, always just giving him exact change if we sent him to do something on his own, or being there ourselves to pay.

And we paid for most of his college, it's not like we held back stuff just to be petty, it's just that DS doesn't, and probably will never, have DH's full trust back. I've sat down with the two of them, and tried to work it out, but it always seems to end with DS being angry at DH because DH isn't willing to just drop it, and DH being angry at DS because he doesn't thinks DS realizes just how big a breach of trust he committed.

I'm 37, and as a kid, used to steal from people all the time. My parents, my grandmother once, my cousins, etc. I grew out of it in my late high school years. I am now anal about having something of someone else's. If I borrow a pen from your desk, I give it back. Thank god my parents let it go eventually. Weirdly, my mother hasn't let go of the time I was 4 and knocked a big vase off the piano. She finds a way to bring it up every time we get together, to the point it makes me limit my interactions with her. Your husband needs to let this go. Your son did something stupid, although age-appropriate. He has more than learned his lesson. He is not going to steal from you again, and I am sure your son DOES realize the depth of the breach of trust and just doesn't act like it because he wants to move on already.

If DH needs therapy to help him move on that help him find one. From what you describe its either therapy OR your son and his family. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still around: it is possible your son didn't know that taking your money was considered stealing, like taking something from a store is stealing. I know I didn't understand that till I was about 10, and then when I was "caught" and it was explained that I was STEALING and a THIEF I was so mortified I wanted to die. I saw it more like sneaking a cookie. I didn't really understand that money was different from cookies, and while I knew I wasn't supposed to sneak cookies, my dad did it, and we all sort of giggled about it. But I knew taking a cookie from the store was STEALING. And seriously bad.

So...do you let your son dig in your purse for a granola bar, or a chap stick? Have a coin jar that change gets casually tossed into and taken out of? Have an open fridge policy, where what is in there belongs to the whole family? He may just not understand (though NOW he does) that money is weirdly different. It doesn't belong to the whole family, and taking it is different than taking a cookie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You spanked a 10 year old?

Hell yes, I spank my soon to be 13 year old, and my 16 year old knows don't push my buttons as age is just a number for right now. Sorry, I'm from a third world country..lol

Look and learn! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI