My child broke my trust completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you spank him? Is that going to put the 60 dollars back in your pocket?

The subject is stealing not spanking. And hopefully OPs son has learned an expensive lesson.

Thank you. Op here.

A spanking in our house is reserved for something like this. It's rarely done. Spanking is done to get the point across and I have no regrets doing it.
To the other person that asked, no money is not a huge issue. Yes, money is tighter than usual BUT money is not discussed when our children are around. We've had some unexpected house expenses lately but nothing that our kids know about. Our mortgage, car payments, etc are being paid. He didn't use the money either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

Umm, the rift was formed when the child stole money from a parent and expressed no regret. Kid better remember the consequence. And the rift will be much greater when the kid winds up in prison.

I'm not a spanker, but some of you anti-spankers are unbelievable.

+1. Seriously.

I do, however, agree with the PP who said that children can feel anxiety about worsening financial circumstances. I was the same age when my family's fortunes took a nosedive, and I remember very well the stress (my parents' and my own), the embarrassment, and the loss of what we were used to. Stealing may be his way of acting this out.

As for fibbing about the food, meh. Don't kids lie about that stuff all the time, or feed it to the dog if they possibly can?

OP, there was an article in the NYT a few weeks ago called "Raising a Moral Child." Hope it helps!

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/12/opinion/sunday/raising-a-moral-child.html?action=click&contentCollection=Asia%20Pacific&module=MostEmailed&version=Full®ion=Marginalia&src=me&pgtype=article&_r=0

[Anonymous]

OP, while I won't get into the pro-or-con spanking thing, to me the concerning part is that all of those punishments came after he admitted to what he did. I have always felt that the punishment needs to be less if the kids own up to what they did. In that case, i think spanking seems weird. Taking privileges, sure. But I think you need to express some appreciation for the confession, and allow the child to express remorse. When we punish right away, and severely, we take away the ability of the child to voluntarily express remorse.
Though I do understand that hurt and anger are behind your reaction, which is completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

My child doesn't know about the few extra house expenses we've had lately. We have a mortgage that has never been late, two car payments that are always paid each month and food in the refrigerator. Again, we don't discuss money when our kids are around. If this was a possible excuse to use for my child, I would be inclined to use it. He stole $75 from my wallet for the sole reason of "wanting it". I refuse to raise a child that steals from me or anyone else. I think I'm doing what a parent should do and I know some will disagree with me. I just want my child to understand what he did was wrong and why it was wrong. I don't steal because I "want" things and neither will he.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spanking is a humiliating and ridiculous practice that will only cause a rift between you and your children. Your child will always remember that moment, especially at age ten, but not in the way you might want him to...

You broke the trust between you and your child....by hitting him.

[Anonymous]

PP, nobody cares about your opinion. STFU.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry OP, you've probably broken his trust too. You both really messed up, but because he's is 10 years old and you're an adult, it falls on you. Get it together.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you need to get him to understand two things: 1) not to lie and 2) the value of money.

You've addressed the first part but not the second. I think it's time he has to earn his own spending money with odd jobs. Car washing, lawn mowing etc for you. Maybe even for neighbors. If he's old enough to steal then he's old enough to earn.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who suggested you stop trying to ratchet up the punishment and start focusing on the underlying issues that led to it. Unless you think you're child is a sociopath, there's likely an underlying reason for such behavior. Your reaction to this makes me suspect your child doesn't get much room to express thoughts freely. You've framed this as how angry and betrayed you are, but you need to leave you out of it and focus on your child instead. Heaping more punishments on is not going to help. You feel justified in the spanking, but wasnt that really just retribution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP again.

My child doesn't know about the few extra house expenses we've had lately. We have a mortgage that has never been late, two car payments that are always paid each month and food in the refrigerator. Again, we don't discuss money when our kids are around. If this was a possible excuse to use for my child, I would be inclined to use it. He stole $75 from my wallet for the sole reason of "wanting it". I refuse to raise a child that steals from me or anyone else. I think I'm doing what a parent should do and I know some will disagree with me. I just want my child to understand what he did was wrong and why it was wrong. I don't steal because I "want" things and neither will he.

Sounds like you have it all figured out and don't care what anyone thinks. Why did you post here?

[Anonymous]

Can't believe! He confesses and you punish him! He will never trust you again. This is what you should care about.
I am not saying he doesn't deserve a consequence, but not the way you did it.

[Anonymous]

Once again, I asked him many times before he confessed. He had many opportunities to simply put the money back into my wallet and I didn't connect the pieces for nearly a month. He knew it was wrong and could've put the money back.
He confessed because too many things didn't add up. He had over $100 out of nowhere. He does have the option to do chores for money but given the choice, he won't. Now all we require him to do is keep his room somewhat tidy and he sweeps around the table at night. He DOES have the choice to earn money but he isn't interested. I don't believe in giving my kids the world, so if he wants something, he'll earn it. Plain and simple.
For the anti-spankers, your opinion is your opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you want us to say? That your child behaved v wrongly etc etc. ? You already know that. In the heat of the moment, I may have done the same as you (except the spanking) but, with hindsight, he deserves to be heard, to be told you love him whatever but that you are disappointed and tou tell him how he can put it right. The chance of putting it right is the most important thing here. Otherwise he will just feel shame and worthlessness.

[Anonymous]

WTH, broken trust?! It's a 10 year old kid! Get over yourself, your outsized reaction to a 4th or 5th grader lying is all about you.

It sounds like the money stress turned into an escalated conflict with your kid. Cool down, you can get over money issues, but you can't always fix parent-child relationships.

I think taking away, TV or kindle fire or whatever is MUCH more appropriate than spanking a 10 year old for stealing from his family. What would have even been more appropriate is making him earn the money back. Instead you made your stress and disappointment manifest itself in a negative physical interaction with your child...take a breath.

Kids that young can't 'break trust.' They're still developing psychologically and figuring out all sorts of social interactions. That's called development. You however can break trust. You asked your kid to confess, he confessed, and you punished him AFTER he did the right thing...ugh.

[Anonymous]

People are getting distracted by the spanking. The deeper issue is figuring out if your kid stole, lied and conned his grandparents bc of poor judgement or if he lacks empathy and remorse.
Making him work off his theft and taking away freedoms is def a good strategy. In the coming months and years you can figure out if he regrets consequences of future bad behavior bc he is developing empathy or because he gets caught.
If he has impulse and/or anti-social issues then the only recourse you will have is making the consequences harsh enough to make him decide it's not worth the risk.
Taking away the iPad, TV, Internet, phone, making him work off the value of the theft with unpleasant jobs is perfectly reasonable and perhaps having him do chores for grandparents too bc misleading them made them victims too.
Nip this in the bud. If he can internalize the impact stealing and conning others has, it may be the last lesson he needs to learn in this regard.