Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were the mistress, I'd just deny it and tell my husband that OP is an unhinged woman who accuses other women of having an affair with her husband. Not difficult to do this and unless my husband has reasons to suspect me, he will totally believe it. So unless you have some proof to show the husband, I'd not go the route of telling. Of course, if the mistress wants out of her marriage she will likely just admit it.

I have a friend whose wife informed on the purported other woman's husband and her husband's boss telling the latter that when he is away from the office ostensibly on a work appointment he is actually having an affair. The woman denied it and her husband as well as the boss thought she was totally nuts. Now the truth is that I don't know whether he really was having an affair - and I never asked him because it was none of my business.

Like I said you better have proof that his mistress was having an affair with your husband otherwise it will just make you appear unhinged. And as far as telling people at work, it will not matter one bit unless his performance was lacking. Lots of men and some women have affairs so it would not be a major revelation.

I think the more pertinent point is what is so lacking in your relationship with your husband that he would have a relationship with another woman for three years? Not blaming you or him for what is wrong but obviously a sustained relationship with another woman for that long a period suggests something very wrong with your own relationship - three years is a long time and there are marriages that don't last that long.

Something is very wrong with the husband, if he could lie to OP's face for three years. I do not blame you for wanting to leave, OP. And I would absolutely tell the mistress's husband.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would not tell - part of my revenge would be having the OW think that I would tell and having her live with the fear that I would.

In any event OP, I would deal with your divorce first. Get yourself out of the situation and settled (as best you can) into the routine of divorced motherhood. Once that situation is square, then you can re-vist the "should I tell?" question. Adding that drama to the drama of a divorce and transitioning your children is too much. One step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.

+1

I think it would be pretty shitty of you to break up another family for vengeance. That's what it really boils down to even if they did wrong.

Yes, bc by telling it is OP who's 'breaking up another family'...please.

Yes. OP's husband and mistress demonstrated lack of morals, thoughtlessness, and all that. But few people go into an affair thinking, I'm doing this to break up my marriage. Telling the spouse on the other hand you want them to consider whether they really wish to stay in the marriage. What is that besides actively trying to split them up? Some people will be grateful, some will continue life unhappily. The cheating spouse gets most of the blame but the tale-teller gets a large share too.

The tattle tale SHOULD get a large share of the blame. Wrap it up in whatever pretty bow you like "He deserves to know" or ""I'm just being honest," but the tattle tale is going out of her way to make sure that her husband's mistress gets hurt, consequences be damned to the other husband or the kids. The tattle tale doesn't care who else gets hurt or what other fall out there is, as long as the mistress is hurt, too.

The tattle tale is acting out of sheer malice. If other people label her as a crazy bitch who might have deserved to be cheated on, that's because she's acting like a crazy bitch who probably deserved to be cheated on.

PP, you lack imagination and a sense of strategic thinking. "Sheer malice" - as if there is no other possibility. If you blow up the affair on your end, that's part of the battle. But your spouse and the other man or woman are still in a dopamine fog, and there is going to be temptation to get back together to get another hit of the thrill of cheating. By telling the other cheated upon spouse, you are making it that much harder for the affair to review.

In war, you don't blow up the bridges "out of sheer malice". You blow up the bridges to make it harder for the enemy to travel.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is the big deal about affairs anyway? So he was having sex with another woman, so what? He didn't leave you, he was still the provider, the dad. He came home every night, I assume.

I would see catching my spouse cheating as permission for me to have my own affair and for both of us to be happy.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I would tell the husband. It happens all the time. People get this nightmare call from the embittered spouse letting them know their own spouse has been cheating. And then they freak out because how dare said spouse take a small pleasure for themselves in this limited life that we have.

It is an STD issue though, so I would tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the big deal about affairs anyway? So he was having sex with another woman, so what? He didn't leave you, he was still the provider, the dad. He came home every night, I assume.

I would see catching my spouse cheating as permission for me to have my own affair and for both of us to be happy.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I would tell the husband. It happens all the time. People get this nightmare call from the embittered spouse letting them know their own spouse has been cheating. And then they freak out because how dare said spouse take a small pleasure for themselves in this limited life that we have.

It is an STD issue though, so I would tell him.

Such a sad, sad view of the world.

[Anonymous]

Tell. The other husband's life is a lie and he doesn't know it. Save him from his narcissistic wife. I was dating someone I was planning to marry. A stranger told me my BF was cheating with many people. He wanted me and all the other women. She saved me from marrying the WRONG person. Cheaters feel they are above all the rules and only want to satisfy their own needs. The well will never be full for them. You will be better off without your cheating DH. Sorry OP. The other husband will be too.

[Anonymous]

I think the more pertinent point is what is so lacking in your relationship with your husband that he would have a relationship with another woman for three years? Not blaming you or him for what is wrong but obviously a sustained relationship with another woman for that long a period suggests something very wrong with your own relationship - three years is a long time and there are marriages that don't last that long

I know this seems to make sense, but I'm not sure its always the case. I don't know OP's situation, but it sounds like she was blindsided. I know of a man (a former friend, I no longer associate with him because I know too much) who is a serial cheater. He has no issues in his marriage at all--loves his wife, his kids, his household, is not unsatisfied sexually. But he is profoundly selfish (as well as charming and good looking) and basically has no moral core (though he would argue that he is moral, but just not conventionally so, and then would cite Nietzsche or something). He has extra marital flings not because he is unhappy in his marriage, but because he seeks the fix that cheating gives him--its an ego boost, its a risk, its more pleasure, whatever. He does not want to change his marriage at atll and he thinks he is pretty good at hiding his tracks, is a good husband and father and what wife doesn't know won't hurt her and meanwhile he gets to have everything:the loving, doting wife, the stable home, the 3 beautiful kids, but also the crazy sex, the hot girlfriends, whatever.

We do not know what OP's situation is, but its not necessarily indicative of a bad marriage. It is certainly indicative of a deeply flawed husband and I can totally understand why OP is walknig away. I could probably forgive an affair if it happened during a time of stress and difficulty, if my spouse were trying in various ways to address our marital problems but we were in a bad place and he sought out other ways to meet his emotional needs. But if he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and this went on for three years (with no plans to change anything!) I woudl assume he had unbelievably well honed ability to lie, to justify his actions, to dissociate, to manipulate. I would look back on any moments of love, tenderness, birthdays, sex, family time and think "how did he do all this and still be in love with someone else?"

[Anonymous]

I know this seems to make sense, but I'm not sure its always the case. I don't know OP's situation, but it sounds like she was blindsided. I know of a man (a former friend, I no longer associate with him because I know too much) who is a serial cheater. He has no issues in his marriage at all--loves his wife, his kids, his household, is not unsatisfied sexually. But he is profoundly selfish (as well as charming and good looking) and basically has no moral core (though he would argue that he is moral, but just not conventionally so, and then would cite Nietzsche or something). He has extra marital flings not because he is unhappy in his marriage, but because he seeks the fix that cheating gives him--its an ego boost, its a risk, its more pleasure, whatever. He does not want to change his marriage at atll and he thinks he is pretty good at hiding his tracks, is a good husband and father and what wife doesn't know won't hurt her and meanwhile he gets to have everything:the loving, doting wife, the stable home, the 3 beautiful kids, but also the crazy sex, the hot girlfriends, whatever.

We do not know what OP's situation is, but its not necessarily indicative of a bad marriage. It is certainly indicative of a deeply flawed husband and I can totally understand why OP is walknig away. I could probably forgive an affair if it happened during a time of stress and difficulty, if my spouse were trying in various ways to address our marital problems but we were in a bad place and he sought out other ways to meet his emotional needs. But if he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and this went on for three years (with no plans to change anything!) I woudl assume he had unbelievably well honed ability to lie, to justify his actions, to dissociate, to manipulate. I would look back on any moments of love, tenderness, birthdays, sex, family time and think "how did he do all this and still be in love with someone else?"


OP Here-
THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION! Every single f-ing word of it. He was happy at home, and told me today he loves me as much today as he did the day we married 8 years and two kids ago. But he also loves her. I know this will be a shocker, but he's an airline pilot and she's a flight attendant. A little cliche? While I was home raising our sweet innocent children, making our house a home and missing my husband half of the month, he was traveling to exotic countries, wining and dining a woman and having crazy sex. He claims his relationship with her was "easier" than at home--of course it was, you were on romantic vacations every time you were together. No grown up responsibilities to be had, no children waking you up in the middle of the night puking on you or needing to go to the bathroom, no lunches to be made or homework to be done. Of course that other life he lived was an "easy" one" But then after the three or four-say trip ended, he would wash their sex off, come home, kiss us, hug us, tell us how much he missed us and often times bring us gifts. I can't wrap my head around this THREE-YEAR deception. But yet he loves me as much as he did the day we married... I still can't believe this is real.

[Anonymous]

He sounds so gross. Selfish af.

[Anonymous]

I would want to, but in the end I probably wouldn't.

I would be too afraid that she would end up being a crazy person and try to get revenge on me for spilling her secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.

Actually, it is her story to tell. The other woman was sleeping with her husband for three years. Once you sleep with my husband, you are my business. And once you are my business, your husband not being deceived the way I've been is my business. Cheaters rely on the idea that other people don;t want to get involved. It's what lets them perpetuate their deceptions. Telling someone what his wife has been doing isn't invading his private life, it's informing him of he reality of his private life. He can then stay pr leave as he pleases. Just ell the woman's husband once, in the most respectful way you can think of. Don't get emotional, and stick to the facts you know.

+1. I think society's admonishment to the victim of cheating not to "tell" because "telling" is an act of malice is very reflective of the patriarchy we live in which tries to silence women and make them voiceless in so many ways. If a man found out his wife was cheating and went to the family home of her male affair partner (to punch him out or yell at him or whatever), no one would be telling him "don't tell" -- they'd be saying "what did you expect?"

Once the cheating is found out, the affair is the story of all who participated and were victimized. It's never wrong to tell the truth.

I would even say that bystanders (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) who have definite knowledge of the affair, and a relationship with the affair victim, also have a duty to tell the truth about what they know.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.
I would absolutely tell. And contrary to what some think, people in good marriages do sometimes cheat. (Read Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.

Actually, it is her story to tell. The other woman was sleeping with her husband for three years. Once you sleep with my husband, you are my business. And once you are my business, your husband not being deceived the way I've been is my business. Cheaters rely on the idea that other people don;t want to get involved. It's what lets them perpetuate their deceptions. Telling someone what his wife has been doing isn't invading his private life, it's informing him of he reality of his private life. He can then stay pr leave as he pleases. Just ell the woman's husband once, in the most respectful way you can think of. Don't get emotional, and stick to the facts you know.

+1. I think society's admonishment to the victim of cheating not to "tell" because "telling" is an act of malice is very reflective of the patriarchy we live in which tries to silence women and make them voiceless in so many ways. If a man found out his wife was cheating and went to the family home of her male affair partner (to punch him out or yell at him or whatever), no one would be telling him "don't tell" -- they'd be saying "what did you expect?"

Once the cheating is found out, the affair is the story of all who participated and were victimized. It's never wrong to tell the truth.

I would even say that bystanders (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) who have definite knowledge of the affair, and a relationship with the affair victim, also have a duty to tell the truth about what they know.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.

Actually, it is her story to tell. The other woman was sleeping with her husband for three years. Once you sleep with my husband, you are my business. And once you are my business, your husband not being deceived the way I've been is my business. Cheaters rely on the idea that other people don;t want to get involved. It's what lets them perpetuate their deceptions. Telling someone what his wife has been doing isn't invading his private life, it's informing him of he reality of his private life. He can then stay pr leave as he pleases. Just ell the woman's husband once, in the most respectful way you can think of. Don't get emotional, and stick to the facts you know.

+1. I think society's admonishment to the victim of cheating not to "tell" because "telling" is an act of malice is very reflective of the patriarchy we live in which tries to silence women and make them voiceless in so many ways. If a man found out his wife was cheating and went to the family home of her male affair partner (to punch him out or yell at him or whatever), no one would be telling him "don't tell" -- they'd be saying "what did you expect?"

Once the cheating is found out, the affair is the story of all who participated and were victimized. It's never wrong to tell the truth.

I would even say that bystanders (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) who have definite knowledge of the affair, and a relationship with the affair victim, also have a duty to tell the truth about what they know.

This is so true. Glad you wrote it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, tell the mistress and make her tell her husband, or you will.

And I REALLY wish people would stop using the word unhinged. Find a new word, people. It's stupid!

This times infinity. I know - it's blackmailey, but so what? OW can choose not to tell,but I doubt it.

This would 100% be what I would do....