Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.

Actually, it is her story to tell. The other woman was sleeping with her husband for three years. Once you sleep with my husband, you are my business. And once you are my business, your husband not being deceived the way I've been is my business. Cheaters rely on the idea that other people don;t want to get involved. It's what lets them perpetuate their deceptions. Telling someone what his wife has been doing isn't invading his private life, it's informing him of he reality of his private life. He can then stay pr leave as he pleases. Just ell the woman's husband once, in the most respectful way you can think of. Don't get emotional, and stick to the facts you know.

+1. I think society's admonishment to the victim of cheating not to "tell" because "telling" is an act of malice is very reflective of the patriarchy we live in which tries to silence women and make them voiceless in so many ways. If a man found out his wife was cheating and went to the family home of her male affair partner (to punch him out or yell at him or whatever), no one would be telling him "don't tell" -- they'd be saying "what did you expect?"

Once the cheating is found out, the affair is the story of all who participated and were victimized. It's never wrong to tell the truth.

I would even say that bystanders (friends, family, neighbors, etc.) who have definite knowledge of the affair, and a relationship with the affair victim, also have a duty to tell the truth about what they know.

Agree.

I think bystanders is a much harder issue; "none of your business" is a more valid issue there. I think OP can do what she wants, because she's a party to this situation, without her consent. If you are not involved, you know less about the situation and how people will react, and it may in many cases be better to tread lightly. I would only tell as a bystander if I was close to the aggrieved spouse, because I believe loyalty requires that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know this seems to make sense, but I'm not sure its always the case. I don't know OP's situation, but it sounds like she was blindsided. I know of a man (a former friend, I no longer associate with him because I know too much) who is a serial cheater. He has no issues in his marriage at all--loves his wife, his kids, his household, is not unsatisfied sexually. But he is profoundly selfish (as well as charming and good looking) and basically has no moral core (though he would argue that he is moral, but just not conventionally so, and then would cite Nietzsche or something). He has extra marital flings not because he is unhappy in his marriage, but because he seeks the fix that cheating gives him--its an ego boost, its a risk, its more pleasure, whatever. He does not want to change his marriage at atll and he thinks he is pretty good at hiding his tracks, is a good husband and father and what wife doesn't know won't hurt her and meanwhile he gets to have everything:the loving, doting wife, the stable home, the 3 beautiful kids, but also the crazy sex, the hot girlfriends, whatever.

We do not know what OP's situation is, but its not necessarily indicative of a bad marriage. It is certainly indicative of a deeply flawed husband and I can totally understand why OP is walknig away. I could probably forgive an affair if it happened during a time of stress and difficulty, if my spouse were trying in various ways to address our marital problems but we were in a bad place and he sought out other ways to meet his emotional needs. But if he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and this went on for three years (with no plans to change anything!) I woudl assume he had unbelievably well honed ability to lie, to justify his actions, to dissociate, to manipulate. I would look back on any moments of love, tenderness, birthdays, sex, family time and think "how did he do all this and still be in love with someone else?"

OP Here-
THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION! Every single f-ing word of it. He was happy at home, and told me today he loves me as much today as he did the day we married 8 years and two kids ago. But he also loves her. I know this will be a shocker, but he's an airline pilot and she's a flight attendant. A little cliche? While I was home raising our sweet innocent children, making our house a home and missing my husband half of the month, he was traveling to exotic countries, wining and dining a woman and having crazy sex. He claims his relationship with her was "easier" than at home--of course it was, you were on romantic vacations every time you were together. No grown up responsibilities to be had, no children waking you up in the middle of the night puking on you or needing to go to the bathroom, no lunches to be made or homework to be done. Of course that other life he lived was an "easy" one" But then after the three or four-say trip ended, he would wash their sex off, come home, kiss us, hug us, tell us how much he missed us and often times bring us gifts. I can't wrap my head around this THREE-YEAR deception. But yet he loves me as much as he did the day we married... I still can't believe this is real.

Hugs to you, OP. Who needs his kind of love?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I'm the one who said I knew a man like this. I always thought that at some level my ex-friend must have been unhappy, had an empty core, or something. But maybe he was just a touch psychopathic--eg, no empathy, and managed to convince himself that he was doing nothing wrong.

Hugs to you, be strong for your kids, and I hope you move on and build a happy life.

[Anonymous]

OP you will never be happy if you stay with him. He is a not the same type of person you are. He got all the perks and you got all the lies. You are better off alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can tell yourself that the OW's husband deserves to know, but what that really means is that you think that the OW's husband deserves to feel the same betrayal you are feeling now. (Of course, this assumes that he would feel that betrayal, which may not be the case.)

You can tell yourself that your desire to inflict harm is coming from a place of righteousness, and maybe the OW's husband would appreciate the honesty, but at the end of the day, the urge to tell is really just an urge to inflict harm on someone - whether that be your husband, the OW or her husband.

I would urge you to put aside those feelings of vengeance. As several PPs have mentioned, it doesn't take much for these things to come crashing down, and telling her husband isn't going to keep them apart. It may, in fact, drive them closer together.

[Anonymous]

Skip the crazy, stupid drama and get a divorce. Focus on getting yourself and your kids secure financially and don't get involved with any nuts.

Ignore any DCUM troll advice that recommends stalking because that could jeopardize custody/child support issues.

If all else fails, call your parents for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, tell the mistress and make her tell her husband, or you will.

And I REALLY wish people would stop using the word unhinged. Find a new word, people. It's stupid!

Unhinged is the right word to describe OP if she does some of the stuff that people are urging her to do.

[Anonymous]

Tell the husband. He deserves to find a wife who's not a selfish narcissist just as much as you deserve to find a new husband who isn't one either. My husband's first wife was the OW and the wife of the man she was having the affair with told my husband and supplied him with the photos taken by the private detective she had hired DH was glad to have been told and somehow it is not as horrible to be told by the other wronged spouse as it would be to find out randomly some other way. At least you can commiserate together.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Hugs to you.
I am curious how you found out about the affair? I have some suspicions of my husband cheating, but cannot quite connect the dots yet. Thanks and good luck n

[Anonymous]

Wait...what??! These people "love, cherish and adore" their families??

You mean themselves!! They sound like selfish and inconsiderate idiots to me. Anyway...

Yes, I say call the oblivious husband. It is your duty as a citizen. He has an ethical right to know. What he chooses to do w/the information, whether he chooses to believe you or not is his prerogative, however you do owe him the facts.

Life is too damn short to live in a cloud. Us humans need to look out for each other.

By the way, good for you for deciding to leave your husband.
I do hope you stick to your guns and leave him soon.

Yes, he broke you and what he did is unforgivable + very despicable.

But don't worry...What comes around goes around.

Karma never forgets.

[Anonymous]

I dont think I could live with myself if I was so betrayed that I lived a lie for three years, and then helped perpetuate another person being in that position by not telling what I know.

I believe I would feel compelled to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know this seems to make sense, but I'm not sure its always the case. I don't know OP's situation, but it sounds like she was blindsided. I know of a man (a former friend, I no longer associate with him because I know too much) who is a serial cheater. He has no issues in his marriage at all--loves his wife, his kids, his household, is not unsatisfied sexually. But he is profoundly selfish (as well as charming and good looking) and basically has no moral core (though he would argue that he is moral, but just not conventionally so, and then would cite Nietzsche or something). He has extra marital flings not because he is unhappy in his marriage, but because he seeks the fix that cheating gives him--its an ego boost, its a risk, its more pleasure, whatever. He does not want to change his marriage at atll and he thinks he is pretty good at hiding his tracks, is a good husband and father and what wife doesn't know won't hurt her and meanwhile he gets to have everything:the loving, doting wife, the stable home, the 3 beautiful kids, but also the crazy sex, the hot girlfriends, whatever.

We do not know what OP's situation is, but its not necessarily indicative of a bad marriage. It is certainly indicative of a deeply flawed husband and I can totally understand why OP is walknig away. I could probably forgive an affair if it happened during a time of stress and difficulty, if my spouse were trying in various ways to address our marital problems but we were in a bad place and he sought out other ways to meet his emotional needs. But if he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and this went on for three years (with no plans to change anything!) I woudl assume he had unbelievably well honed ability to lie, to justify his actions, to dissociate, to manipulate. I would look back on any moments of love, tenderness, birthdays, sex, family time and think "how did he do all this and still be in love with someone else?"

OP Here-
THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION! Every single f-ing word of it. He was happy at home, and told me today he loves me as much today as he did the day we married 8 years and two kids ago. But he also loves her. I know this will be a shocker, but he's an airline pilot and she's a flight attendant. A little cliche? While I was home raising our sweet innocent children, making our house a home and missing my husband half of the month, he was traveling to exotic countries, wining and dining a woman and having crazy sex. He claims his relationship with her was "easier" than at home--of course it was, you were on romantic vacations every time you were together. No grown up responsibilities to be had, no children waking you up in the middle of the night puking on you or needing to go to the bathroom, no lunches to be made or homework to be done. Of course that other life he lived was an "easy" one" But then after the three or four-say trip ended, he would wash their sex off, come home, kiss us, hug us, tell us how much he missed us and often times bring us gifts. I can't wrap my head around this THREE-YEAR deception. But yet he loves me as much as he did the day we married... I still can't believe this is real.

OP, here is this man's point of view. Men (most/some?) can have sex with another woman and that has zero affect on how much they love their wives. In fact, if my DW gave me a pass to have sex with other women I would probably love her more for it. I had a very brief affair once (never discovered, thankfully) and it had no effect on how I felt about my wife and children.

No one would blame you for calling off the marriage and heading towards divorce. But you are best to ignore the peanut gallery (here, IRL) who want to see a cheater get "stuck with it" because it feels right. It's your life OP. Between divorce, discovered and undiscovered affairs, the percentage of people who say "I do" in their first marriage and who remain totally faithful to each other is very low. Whether you can forgive is up to you, but the fact your DH had an affair doesn't mean he never loved or doesn't continue to love you as others here have suggested to the contrary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know this seems to make sense, but I'm not sure its always the case. I don't know OP's situation, but it sounds like she was blindsided. I know of a man (a former friend, I no longer associate with him because I know too much) who is a serial cheater. He has no issues in his marriage at all--loves his wife, his kids, his household, is not unsatisfied sexually. But he is profoundly selfish (as well as charming and good looking) and basically has no moral core (though he would argue that he is moral, but just not conventionally so, and then would cite Nietzsche or something). He has extra marital flings not because he is unhappy in his marriage, but because he seeks the fix that cheating gives him--its an ego boost, its a risk, its more pleasure, whatever. He does not want to change his marriage at atll and he thinks he is pretty good at hiding his tracks, is a good husband and father and what wife doesn't know won't hurt her and meanwhile he gets to have everything:the loving, doting wife, the stable home, the 3 beautiful kids, but also the crazy sex, the hot girlfriends, whatever.

We do not know what OP's situation is, but its not necessarily indicative of a bad marriage. It is certainly indicative of a deeply flawed husband and I can totally understand why OP is walknig away. I could probably forgive an affair if it happened during a time of stress and difficulty, if my spouse were trying in various ways to address our marital problems but we were in a bad place and he sought out other ways to meet his emotional needs. But if he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and this went on for three years (with no plans to change anything!) I woudl assume he had unbelievably well honed ability to lie, to justify his actions, to dissociate, to manipulate. I would look back on any moments of love, tenderness, birthdays, sex, family time and think "how did he do all this and still be in love with someone else?"

OP Here-
THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION! Every single f-ing word of it. He was happy at home, and told me today he loves me as much today as he did the day we married 8 years and two kids ago. But he also loves her. I know this will be a shocker, but he's an airline pilot and she's a flight attendant. A little cliche? While I was home raising our sweet innocent children, making our house a home and missing my husband half of the month, he was traveling to exotic countries, wining and dining a woman and having crazy sex. He claims his relationship with her was "easier" than at home--of course it was, you were on romantic vacations every time you were together. No grown up responsibilities to be had, no children waking you up in the middle of the night puking on you or needing to go to the bathroom, no lunches to be made or homework to be done. Of course that other life he lived was an "easy" one" But then after the three or four-say trip ended, he would wash their sex off, come home, kiss us, hug us, tell us how much he missed us and often times bring us gifts. I can't wrap my head around this THREE-YEAR deception. But yet he loves me as much as he did the day we married... I still can't believe this is real.

OP, here is this man's point of view. Men (most/some?) can have sex with another woman and that has zero affect on how much they love their wives. In fact, if my DW gave me a pass to have sex with other women I would probably love her more for it. I had a very brief affair once (never discovered, thankfully) and it had no effect on how I felt about my wife and children.

No one would blame you for calling off the marriage and heading towards divorce. But you are best to ignore the peanut gallery (here, IRL) who want to see a cheater get "stuck with it" because it feels right. It's your life OP. Between divorce, discovered and undiscovered affairs, the percentage of people who say "I do" in their first marriage and who remain totally faithful to each other is very low. Whether you can forgive is up to you, but the fact your DH had an affair doesn't mean he never loved or doesn't continue to love you as others here have suggested to the contrary.

I think the issue is does the cheater love his wife the way she wants to be loved? My husband's definition of love included being able to love me at the same time he had loved and had sex with someone else. Even though he swore up and down that he loved me and our family more than her and would dump her at my request, this was not what "love" meant to me. Needless to say, we are now divorced. I am much happier for it. He, however, remains shell-shocked. It turns out he really didn't want the other woman.

BTW, your affair may not have affected how you felt about your wife and children, but you are delusional if you think that your affair didn't affect your marriage. You will never know whether it did or not, because you will never tell your wife -- so how would you know what she knew or didn't know or how she truly feels about you? If you believe she never knew and she still loves you, you should understand that the "you" she loves is a totally fake construction. The "you" she loves is someone who never cheated on her -- not the real you.

[Anonymous]

OP - I learned a long time ago when my husband did the same thing to me as yours has done to you - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUNDER THAN WORDS - he doesn't love you or would not have had this affair. Run, don't walk, the other way.

[Anonymous]

Please make him sweat. Tell him if he wants your marriage to work, he'll need to work his ass off to get you back. He needs to quit his job and find employment elsewhere ASAP.

You need to consult the marriage builders forum, they have a whole board on infidelity along with steps to take in your situation. I've never been in this situation but the stories over there are interesting but very sad to read.