Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

How did you find out, OP?

[Anonymous]

I'd want to know.

Sorry about your situation OP.

[Anonymous]

If I were him, I would want to know. He can decide what to do with the information.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd even inform her/his office!

You could be sued. Careful on that one.

[Anonymous]

You let him know as a way of reducing the chances of an affair relapse. Basically, by telling him, you are using him to neutralize the other woman.

[Anonymous]

It kind of doesn't matter OP. My husband had a two year affair. The thing about affairs is, they are typically a house of cards and it doesn't take much to topple them. If you are leaving the marriage, well, now your husband doesn't have to hide anything, his double life is over (since you are probably at least going to tell some folks in your circle, even if it is just in-laws etc.) and now he has no excuse not to commit to this woman. And after three years, she does want something more from him I'm betting. And if she doesn't get that, now she becomes the one with something to lose - since his marriage is overturned.

So...just by getting to this point, there is a new reality for everyone. I'm not sure it matters if you tell him, it's no longer business as usual for the affair partners. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd even inform her/his office!

I wouldn't risk his job and maybe lose child support.

[Anonymous]

there are a million reasons why I would want to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I might not--one of them is to protect my kids. What if she goes batshit once her husband finds out? what if she tries to sabotage your life? It doesn't sound likely, but I guess I would try to minimize risks. As long as you have that information and she has an interest in her husband not knowing, you have some power.

I'm very sorry, OP, that you are going through this. I hope you get through it and find happiness soon.

[Anonymous]

PP here--also you don't know what her husband would do, but could he do somethign that would threaten your husband's job--if so, consider the consequences for you/your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let him know as a way of reducing the chances of an affair relapse. Basically, by telling him, you are using him to neutralize the other woman.

I agree with this. Sending her life into a tailspin may make her focus her attention back on her own marriage and kids if they have any. Some people get a high off the secrecy of an affair, once it's out in the open the fun is gone.

[Anonymous]

I would do it, if only because if I am honest with myself I am a vindictive person and this is the ultimate betrayal to me and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband of eight years has been having an affair with a colleague for the past three years. He did not intend for me to find out, he got sloppy and I was blindsided with it. They claim to have some kind of "love" for each other, but they both "love, cherish and adore" their respective families and have had no intention of ever leaving them for each other. I guess they just planned to keep their "love" going--have their cake and eat it too. Without any hesitation or delay, I am leaving my husband. It is killing me, but I would never ever ever ever ever be able to trust him again--this has been going on for THREE YEARS! He is not the man I vowed to love forever. He has broken me. She has no intention of telling her husband, ever. It is taking every bit of my strength to not pick up the phone this very minute and call him. While I hate the thought of yet another family being torn apart, I also can't stand to think that this man has no clue what he is married to! He deserves to know. What are you thoughts? Mind my own business, or tell the oblivious husband?

NP, and I live by the Golden Rule of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Which means... I WOULD TELL THE OTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!!!

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and the other woman's husband found out, and then found out you had no idea? What would you want him to do? I would want to know, no question, I'd want him to call me and tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of doesn't matter OP. My husband had a two year affair. The thing about affairs is, they are typically a house of cards and it doesn't take much to topple them. If you are leaving the marriage, well, now your husband doesn't have to hide anything, his double life is over (since you are probably at least going to tell some folks in your circle, even if it is just in-laws etc.) and now he has no excuse not to commit to this woman. And after three years, she does want something more from him I'm betting. And if she doesn't get that, now she becomes the one with something to lose - since his marriage is overturned.

So...just by getting to this point, there is a new reality for everyone. I'm not sure it matters if you tell him, it's no longer business as usual for the affair partners. Trust me.

That is all true. But I'd still tell him. She doesn't deserve protection or privacy, and you and he have both been crapped on. I would tell him.

[Anonymous]

Tell him. I did. It was very liberating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would because if the situation were reversed, I would want to know. Private call, be courteous, stick to facts. Be prepared for anger or denial - don't take that personally.

This is a really good point: once you tell him, don't take his reaction personally, whatever it is. He may have suspected and be upset to have it confirmed... who knows what's been going on in their household. But I would still definitely tell him, and then go on about your life and your separation/divorce.

Good for you for being clear about leaving him and not putting up with that kind of betrayal. Wishing you the best of luck OP!