Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary, I couldn't imagine myself doing any of the above stuff before... But we both had to change our behaviour, and try to fulfill each-other's needs in order to save our marriage for the sake of our children and our history together (and for his comfort and image as a family man I think). We started to really communicate our needs, even if it hurt or made each other uncomfortable. We never talked about his sexual fantasies before, but he was sexting with her for hours talking about them, what would he do to her. He showed them to me, thousands and thousands of lines on Skype. I was under the impression that after 19 years of marriage our sex life was great (maybe twice a week, kinda vanilla), but when I watched their videos I was actually impressed by my husband's performance, lol. I envied their sexual chemistry, her ability and willingness to please him in any way he wanted - if you can believe this...

He was my tormentor, during their affair our marriage suffered terribly (he was "playing tennis" every day for hours), but after the affair he became my healer. He said that the OW was a mistake, but she made him feel alive and young again. Now he cannot imagine life with her, the affair bubble burst. The OW and her husband are still together, and he still contacts me from time to time asking if everything is alright on my side. He is still very angry with my husband, but he forgave his wife for the sake of their children. BTW, the OW's excuse for the affair was that her husband was too dominating and controlling, lol, and she felt safe, happy, and without inhibitions with my husband. She wanted to talk to me after the discovery day, answer my questions, but she doesn't deserve a minute of my time...




... just my 2c.

Wow...what a sad story. I'm so confused why you having to change your entire being to copy/be like someone else is OK to you. What is even more confusing is your use of "lol" in the most awkward places, like after your line about watching your husband's sex tape. I really hope you are a troll. Otherwise, I would recommend therapy because your overly cheery attitude about your husband'so affair and your quest to morph into someone else for his sake is obviously a front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd even inform her/his office!

I wouldn't risk his job and maybe lose child support.

No shit! This was my reaction too. I would never want to risk his job, especially with kids involved. ..won't look good for support.

Also, we had a wife at my office do thay. All that happened is that she came off looking crazy.we had no connection to her and said colleague was a good guy to work with, so she just looked like a scorned woman. It was office fodder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary, I couldn't imagine myself doing any of the above stuff before... But we both had to change our behaviour, and try to fulfill each-other's needs in order to save our marriage for the sake of our children and our history together (and for his comfort and image as a family man I think). We started to really communicate our needs, even if it hurt or made each other uncomfortable. We never talked about his sexual fantasies before, but he was sexting with her for hours talking about them, what would he do to her. He showed them to me, thousands and thousands of lines on Skype. I was under the impression that after 19 years of marriage our sex life was great (maybe twice a week, kinda vanilla), but when I watched their videos I was actually impressed by my husband's performance, lol. I envied their sexual chemistry, her ability and willingness to please him in any way he wanted - if you can believe this...

He was my tormentor, during their affair our marriage suffered terribly (he was "playing tennis" every day for hours), but after the affair he became my healer. He said that the OW was a mistake, but she made him feel alive and young again. Now he cannot imagine life with her, the affair bubble burst. The OW and her husband are still together, and he still contacts me from time to time asking if everything is alright on my side. He is still very angry with my husband, but he forgave his wife for the sake of their children. BTW, the OW's excuse for the affair was that her husband was too dominating and controlling, lol, and she felt safe, happy, and without inhibitions with my husband. She wanted to talk to me after the discovery day, answer my questions, but she doesn't deserve a minute of my time...

... just my 2c.

Anonymous wrote:DCUM Readers' Poll - The above post was written by:

A) A husband bored with his wife, hoping she'll read this and turn into a sex-crazed, child-neglecting, satisfy-his-needs-ignore-her-own-needs woman;

B) A cheating husband who (in his head) blames his wife for his cheating so is answering this as what it would have taken for him not to cheat on her;

C) A completely deluded, insecure, shockingly in denial wife who - along with her nasty husband - are horrible parents to their neglected kids; OR

D) One of DCUM's more talented Uber Trolls

Whaddaya think, who wrote this?

Ok after reading this addition (particularly the parts about her watching hours of videos and reading thousands of lines of sexting... and being INSPIRED!! Please give me an f'in break... ), definitely need to add this choice to the poll options:

E) A selfish, narcissistic man who is not necessarily bored or cheating (or married!) but this is his fantasy: be married, have torrid affair, which inspires wife to give up everything (including her sense of self and dignity and commitment to kids) just to become his sex servant. (Not that doing the specific actual acts named above shows a lack of dignity - just the "I gave up everything to hold onto my cheating husband and now he's happier so I'm happy" part)

I think I still have to go with D though.

I agree, definitely E!

[Anonymous]

lol, it is all true. My husband said that prior to his affair he was bored, and I didn't attract him sexually anymore (I was also maybe 20+ pounds overweight). Indeed, he had ED problems from time to time, but he explained to me that he was stressed at work. I was trying to be nice and understanding, and not talk about it. But 90% of the time sex was great, imo. I had no idea he thought I am no fun. Recently he said that he preferred masturbating than having sex with me - which was too much work. Maybe he was watching too much porn?

He and the OW started chatting about their tennis matches on Skype, and complimenting each other on their skills, then on their form, and eventually she said that she developed feeling for him. He rejected her advances for a couple of days (he felt guilt), she apologized for ruining their friendship, but then he changed his mind and said that he has feelings for her, as well. Things got sexual from there, and I "entertained" myself with sexting erotica worse than 50 shades. He showed me everything after discovery day, pictures, videos, sexting history - we decided to try "radical honesty" (google it). They chatted daily, for hours. He detached from me emotionally during the affair, and lived in a fantasy world with her. After discovery day we experienced "hysterical bonding" (google it), and things got much better (we put aside an hour or two hours each day for intimacy, playing tennis (or biking, etc) and chatting - one on one, no kids).

Her husband told me about their affair, but we kept everything secret for the sake of our kids (I told my mother and my husband's family only). My husband probably had a midlife crisis. I'll make him pay for the rest of his life. Basically he has to show adoring behavior towards me every single day, cook for me, take me out on dates - treat me like a mistress (my request). He loves my new confidence - but basically I don't care anymore. Not the nice, professional looking woman he was so bored with. He is very jealous and proud of me in the same time (he said he likes it when other men compliment me in social situations, something like it's ok to watch, but no touch). Maybe this is just a phase, not sure how long it's gonna last...

[Anonymous]

P.S. We didn't go go therapy or counseling, but I've learned a lot from forums like this one. Now the OW is just an internal joke between us, like it should be.

[Anonymous]

We didn't go go therapy or counseling

GTFO. Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. We didn't go go therapy or counseling, but I've learned a lot from forums like this one. Now the OW is just an internal joke between us, like it should be.

P.P.S. Our youngest son is 10yo, not a baby anymore - the boys spend most of their time is school, at after school sports and clubs, doing homework or playing video games. They spend time with us mostly during dinner or when we go out, my husband plays chess with them quite often - he is a great father (one of the reasons I didn't kick him out). They are not neglected in any way (very good in school, too).

[Anonymous]

I would tell him, but not face to face. I wouldn't go to his house and tell him or talk to him. That would mean getting into even more trouble and pain. I would find a way for him to find out. Maybe this is very soapopera-ish but somehow make it be known without getting dragged into it.

[Anonymous]

Ohh I forgot to say.. you are not telling just as vengeance..although that make bring some torturous pleasure into your pain. But mostly, If I was the chetee I would soooooo want someone to tell me I've been cheated on. I hate being blind to what is really happening, to be told lies for years. So I would hope that someone brings the truth forward as hard as it is.

[Anonymous]

The tipping point is innocent children. One of these families might - just might - stay intact. I want nothing good for that woman. Husband has every right to divorce her, But maybe there's the bigger picture.

Any chance you'd be up to meeting with her privately? Could you even imagine that? The point being that you hear from her what she plans to do. She can think you are going to tell her husband immediately if she doesn't agree to meet w/you. You could sense if there is any genuine remorse on her part, and where the future of their family might be headed. Again this would just be in support of you doing the magnanimous thing - sparing some of the children in this mess. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We didn't go go therapy or counseling

GTFO. Really?

Maybe that's why all this sounds crazy, because I followed advice on the Internet, instead of going to counseling! We didn't know any good therapist, anyway, it was too much for us at that time to shop around for a good therapist... I had to deal with the problem head-on right from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We didn't go go therapy or counseling

GTFO. Really?

Maybe that's why all this sounds crazy, because I followed advice on the Internet, instead of going to counseling! We didn't know any good therapist, anyway, it was too much for us at that time to shop around for a good therapist... I had to deal with the problem head-on right from the start.

Anyone who would watch all the s e x videos of their DH and his mistress, and cheerily take notes... and then cheerily read all their s e x t s and cheerily "learn" from those as well, and add "Lol's" to some of her comments about doing these things... definitely needs therapy. Yesterday. Only thing is, I still think this is a male troll. The more "she" posts, the more troll-ish it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's scary, I couldn't imagine myself doing any of the above stuff before... But we both had to change our behaviour, and try to fulfill each-other's needs in order to save our marriage for the sake of our children and our history together (and for his comfort and image as a family man I think). We started to really communicate our needs, even if it hurt or made each other uncomfortable. We never talked about his sexual fantasies before, but he was sexting with her for hours talking about them, what would he do to her. He showed them to me, thousands and thousands of lines on Skype. I was under the impression that after 19 years of marriage our sex life was great (maybe twice a week, kinda vanilla), but when I watched their videos I was actually impressed by my husband's performance, lol. I envied their sexual chemistry, her ability and willingness to please him in any way he wanted - if you can believe this...

He was my tormentor, during their affair our marriage suffered terribly (he was "playing tennis" every day for hours), but after the affair he became my healer. He said that the OW was a mistake, but she made him feel alive and young again. Now he cannot imagine life with her, the affair bubble burst. The OW and her husband are still together, and he still contacts me from time to time asking if everything is alright on my side. He is still very angry with my husband, but he forgave his wife for the sake of their children. BTW, the OW's excuse for the affair was that her husband was too dominating and controlling, lol, and she felt safe, happy, and without inhibitions with my husband. She wanted to talk to me after the discovery day, answer my questions, but she doesn't deserve a minute of my time...




... just my 2c.

Wow...what a sad story. I'm so confused why you having to change your entire being to copy/be like someone else is OK to you. What is even more confusing is your use of "lol" in the most awkward places, like after your line about watching your husband's sex tape. I really hope you are a troll. Otherwise, I would recommend therapy because your overly cheery attitude about your husband'so affair and your quest to morph into someone else for his sake is obviously a front.

I know I should go to therapy, but for what? My marriage is great now, our kids are happy. He made a terrible mistake, and he is very remorseful right now. I was in pain maybe a couple of months, but then I decided that all this drama will not affect me anymore, and start living like it never happened (after learning a lot from it). "Radical honesty" is our way of communicating. I detached myself emotionally and I developed a thicker skin. I make the rules, and I have the upper hand in our relationship. He knows I could leave him without any remorse, at any moment, and rebuild my life from scratch. He even said that it's ok if I have a "revenge affair", he just wants me to come back to him after I get what I want (I can't understand why - here I would need a therapist's opinion, maybe he wants me to lose my upper hand, lol). From a distance we seem to be the perfect couple. I don't know if between us there is true love or just co-dependency... but it doesn't matter anymore. Laughing at the whole drama helped me keep my sanity, I guess.

This is funny: the OW posted on FB on Valentine's Day that her husband is the only love of her life, and she will always love him and only him forever and ever. My husband was crushed (he didn't believe it at first). That's exactly what she told him over and over again for the entire length of their affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We didn't go go therapy or counseling

GTFO. Really?

Maybe that's why all this sounds crazy, because I followed advice on the Internet, instead of going to counseling! We didn't know any good therapist, anyway, it was too much for us at that time to shop around for a good therapist... I had to deal with the problem head-on right from the start.

Anyone who would watch all the s e x videos of their DH and his mistress, and cheerily take notes... and then cheerily read all their s e x t s and cheerily "learn" from those as well, and add "Lol's" to some of her comments about doing these things... definitely needs therapy. Yesterday. Only thing is, I still think this is a male troll. The more "she" posts, the more troll-ish it gets.

Aww, I'm sorry you feel this way. I thought I was going crazy with pain, indeed, but I decided to become something like a "born again" woman, and just laugh at the whole drama, and take advantage of all of my husband's feelings of guilt. He has to work hard and earn back all the trust, respect, and love that I had for him during our marriage and that he lost overnight... (he is aware of all these). He knows I will leave if this happens again, and he is too narcissistic to have his image and reputation ruined (and from time to time he says he loves me, too - but I don't believe it). It's like I'm in my second marriage, with the same guy though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently he said that he preferred masturbating than having sex with me - which was too much work. Maybe he was watching too much porn?

He's just not attracted to you anymore, the "preferring masturbating" is a red herring.