dating as a 40+ single mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:29 here. Guys I know in their 40s don't necessarily want20 yr olds, but definitely under 35. I can pass for mid thirties and they are surprised when I tell them my age, one even said he didn't realize I was that old with a frown .

I think you are correct but i am trying to figure out why. I am a very attractive divorced 40 year old with two children. I am on two online dating sites and am surprised that 40 something divorced dads with children have little interest in dating another 40 year old. They seem to want younger and honestly i dont understand it. I have been seeing a 40 year old divorced dad of two children for a few weeks. I like him but wonder if he will start searching for someone younger who has less baggage.

NP - I'm a divorced dad, early 40s, and equally co-parent with my exW. I have also used a couple of on-line dating sites and the issue I have found is that a lot depends on the types of filters or search criteria one uses - the profiles that fall within the parameters you use, those same men may not have the parameters in their searches so that you would show up in the search results. I'm not white and there have been a couple of cases where I've emailed women who never responded yet I actually met ran into them in real life in my neighborhood and we hit off. While it didn't last, what is funny is that they never thought to adjust the filters to include someone with my ethnic background

I can tell you I much prefer to date a divorced mom (35-45) - as single parents we get the time constraints, the pressures of balancing work/kids/personal life, we've lived and there typically is so much we would have in common which makes it easier to build a connection. One of the key filters I use is distance - it's just not reasonable to drive 45 minutes+ to meet someone for a date - even though there she may be very attractive and we have (on paper) a lot in common, etc.

Just something to keep in mind - not all guys go after the 20-year olds - and those who do, well they are leaving the best for the rest of us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Post divorce, in my mid 30s, about half of the men I dated wanted to have more children. I was ambivalent about having more, but am now certain that even if I could (I'm early 40s), I don't want to. The problem is that many men in their 40s who aren't searching for a fertile womb, also don't want to a woman with kids. My current partner likes my kids but has made it clear he is uninterested in step-parenting. We're all cool with it, but I'm sure a different guy could be a jerk about it. In a pinch my guy would pick up my little one from school and take care of her until I get home, but I'd never ask him to on a regular basis. Yet, he informally coaches her sport and will explain a math problem to her without any prompting or pleading.

So you don't live with him, I gather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Post divorce, in my mid 30s, about half of the men I dated wanted to have more children. I was ambivalent about having more, but am now certain that even if I could (I'm early 40s), I don't want to. The problem is that many men in their 40s who aren't searching for a fertile womb, also don't want to a woman with kids. My current partner likes my kids but has made it clear he is uninterested in step-parenting. We're all cool with it, but I'm sure a different guy could be a jerk about it. In a pinch my guy would pick up my little one from school and take care of her until I get home, but I'd never ask him to on a regular basis. Yet, he informally coaches her sport and will explain a math problem to her without any prompting or pleading.

So you don't live with him, I gather.

Nope. Several reasons (all on my end): my ex- DH and I have a no premarital cohabitation clause in our parenting plan. Also, I rely on being able to file HoH for my income taxes. We do a nightly dinner but only have sleepovers when kiddies are with other parent. It's actually like a constant honeymoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:29 here. Guys I know in their 40s don't necessarily want20 yr olds, but definitely under 35. I can pass for mid thirties and they are surprised when I tell them my age, one even said he didn't realize I was that old with a frown .

I think you are correct but i am trying to figure out why. I am a very attractive divorced 40 year old with two children. I am on two online dating sites and am surprised that 40 something divorced dads with children have little interest in dating another 40 year old. They seem to want younger and honestly i dont understand it. I have been seeing a 40 year old divorced dad of two children for a few weeks. I like him but wonder if he will start searching for someone younger who has less baggage.

Don't understand this one. 40 something guys I know are looking for someone their age or maybe a year or two older. It's difficult to relate to someone much younger because of not having the commonality of the same things going on in the outside world when growing up, in college, first years in the workplace, etc. These men are interested in a full companion. Maybe the issue is that dating sites attract the kind of guys who would want a younger woman - in other words, self selection. Try a house of worship group or cultural events instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
meeting men isn't hard. meeting single men who aren't creepy or sleazy isn't so easy.

Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
meeting men isn't hard. meeting single men who aren't creepy or sleazy isn't so easy.

Get real.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of single women in this area and any decent guy can take his pick, and they do.

You got that right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a relatively attractive woman (single mom) in my 30s and I've found it difficult to find anything more than men interested in casual sex.

There's a reason for that. Why would any successful, attractive single man want anything more than casual sex from a single mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, your best bet will be with guys who understand your situation - divorced guys with kids. Maybe meeting them through kids' activities.

I'm a man. I have no children of my own.

I was married to someone who had a child from her previous marriage. I would never, ever, again marry a woman who had children from a previous relationship who hadn't yet left the nest. Period. My ex-wife was 42 when we got married and her son was in his late teens, and the child's father was very involved. I wasn't really expected to parent, and I got along well with the child and also her ex. However, it was painfully clear that I was not and never would be as important as the child. I have seen this happen to men with their own children, nevermind a step-child. I'm not up for taking care of someone else's problem thanks. And no, the step-child was not the cause of our divorce (me being taken for granted was).

I would date and have a casual relationship (including sex) with a single mom, but since most seem to want to find a replacement dad to complete the family (ie, a long term serious commitment and involvement), so I don't really even consider dating them since we really have different goals: it would be wrong to get someone's hopes up knowing I wouldn't want to follow through - that would be just using someone.

Dating a single parent is a logistical nightmare as well - the entire (adult) world has to yield to the less flexible moving parts: the kids. I hear some women in the comments here saying "gee, it's not worth $50 to just have coffee" - well, yes, 100% agree. It's also just coffee and it's not worth trying to work your whole damn schedule around the one 30 minute block in the two week window when single mom can get free. I get it - it's a totally legit demand on your time - but it's also totally the limitations on what single moms are offering (hint: not much, after they give of themselves to their kids).

Other than the reality that most single dads wind up with fewer custody hours, I think single fathers are basically the same. And since they have a balancing/competing claim on their priorities/time, it's much easier to say "hey, your kid's time demands do not trump my (kid's) time demands.".

This all sounds a little bitter, and I'm not at all bitter and I actually feel very much for these women who are under super-hero pressure: be a full time parent, full time earner AND somehow try to avoid being totally isolated while you do it, but beyond meeting other single parents - people in the same, shared state of life - your pickings are going to be very very slim.

DING DING DING! We have a winner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you'd be missing out on a lot that I, and other single moms, have to offer

I'm sorry. What, exactly, do you have to offer as a single mother that childless women don't? Do you have a golden vagina?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is so depressing. I am only 31 and better hurry while I am still young and hot lol

You got that right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But most young women don't want to date men in their 40s. They want to date men their own age because older men often have kids or baggage from divorce, and are just in a different stage if life.
And deservedly or not, men over 40 who have never married are regarded with suspicion.

They usually get over the whole anti-40s attitude when you ask them if they want to go to Miami next weekend during the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They seem to want younger and honestly i dont understand it.

You really don't understand why single attractive men without children want to date women younger than 40? Unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I haven't noticed this, but I go for guys 10+ years older.

Exactly!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But most young women don't want to date men in their 40s. They want to date men their own age because older men often have kids or baggage from divorce, and are just in a different stage if life.
And deservedly or not, men over 40 who have never married are regarded with suspicion.

They usually get over the whole anti-40s attitude when you ask them if they want to go to Miami next weekend during the winter.

That's not "young women." That's "poor women." It's not like a weekend in Miami is anything special, you know.