dating as a 40+ single mom

[Anonymous]

School events are usually bad because they are usually married men AND you have to be careful about dating in your kids' pond. Could get messy.

A trick I have posted many times is meeting a friend at a bar but arriving at least 30 mins early to sit alone. Or if you go out with gas to social events, find a way to separate yourself from the group a bit. A guy is much more likely to approach you when you're alone. I learned this in my early 20s when I would hang out with my guy friends (half college ball players) and I would never get approached when we hung out unless I left the group for awhile. Think of places where men outnumber women.

Next is to change your pattern. Grocery shop mid week in the evenings when single men shop. Married and attached men hit the grocery stores on weekends with their wives.

Ask your married girlfriends (and their spouses too) for hookups. I used to immediately say no to hookups, but now I take the offers as compliments. One of my friend's husbands has been playing matchmaker for only two single friends left. I wouldn't entertain initially, but I'm now talking to one and finally met the other by chance this weekend.

Dress the part. I'm not saying where stilettos everyday and a full face of makeup, but let the frumpiness go. It's Spring, where flattering, soft/bright colors that look great against your skin. Look like you're actually interested in the opposite sex instead of solely dressing for comfort.

[Anonymous]

Or if you go out with friends* not gas LOL

wear* stilettos
wear flattering

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on what type of dating said Mama wants. Available men do abound, but do you want them?

I did the post-divorce palate cleanser and briefly dated a guy with an impressive package and good sense of humor. Never intended to take him seriously. Great lay. When I discovered he drank more than I could stand, we parted ways with no ill will. I still see him. He looks vaguely homeless.

Briefly toyed with the idea of remarrying. Met several single dads in various stages of rebound. Lots of great dates. The thought of dealing with their exes for the foreseeable future was too off-putting. One belongs to my gym. She never wipes down her machines.

Did online dating. Again,many good first dates, but a few weirdos and needy guys. Settled into a long-distance "Do you know what this is? 'Cause I sure the f*ck don't!" with a guy who was active duty. Several very passionate interludes followed by months of feeling confused or not giving a damn.

Dated a local politician. Took a lot of showers. Still don't feel totally clean.

Finally, met a guy when I didn't want to meet a guy and he didn't want to meet a girl. In a bar of all places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends on what type of dating said Mama wants. Available men do abound, but do you want them?

I did the post-divorce palate cleanser and briefly dated a guy with an impressive package and good sense of humor. Never intended to take him seriously. Great lay. When I discovered he drank more than I could stand, we parted ways with no ill will. I still see him. He looks vaguely homeless.

Briefly toyed with the idea of remarrying. Met several single dads in various stages of rebound. Lots of great dates. The thought of dealing with their exes for the foreseeable future was too off-putting. One belongs to my gym. She never wipes down her machines.

Did online dating. Again,many good first dates, but a few weirdos and needy guys. Settled into a long-distance "Do you know what this is? 'Cause I sure the f*ck don't!" with a guy who was active duty. Several very passionate interludes followed by months of feeling confused or not giving a damn.

Dated a local politician. Took a lot of showers. Still don't feel totally clean.

Finally, met a guy when I didn't want to meet a guy and he didn't want to meet a girl. In a bar of all places.

I love this post. Adding to my collection of dcum's greatest hits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, your best bet will be with guys who understand your situation - divorced guys with kids. Maybe meeting them through kids' activities.

I'm a man. I have no children of my own.

I was married to someone who had a child from her previous marriage. I would never, ever, again marry a woman who had children from a previous relationship who hadn't yet left the nest. Period. My ex-wife was 42 when we got married and her son was in his late teens, and the child's father was very involved. I wasn't really expected to parent, and I got along well with the child and also her ex. However, it was painfully clear that I was not and never would be as important as the child. I have seen this happen to men with their own children, nevermind a step-child. I'm not up for taking care of someone else's problem thanks. And no, the step-child was not the cause of our divorce (me being taken for granted was).

I would date and have a casual relationship (including sex) with a single mom, but since most seem to want to find a replacement dad to complete the family (ie, a long term serious commitment and involvement), so I don't really even consider dating them since we really have different goals: it would be wrong to get someone's hopes up knowing I wouldn't want to follow through - that would be just using someone.

Dating a single parent is a logistical nightmare as well - the entire (adult) world has to yield to the less flexible moving parts: the kids. I hear some women in the comments here saying "gee, it's not worth $50 to just have coffee" - well, yes, 100% agree. It's also just coffee and it's not worth trying to work your whole damn schedule around the one 30 minute block in the two week window when single mom can get free. I get it - it's a totally legit demand on your time - but it's also totally the limitations on what single moms are offering (hint: not much, after they give of themselves to their kids).

Other than the reality that most single dads wind up with fewer custody hours, I think single fathers are basically the same. And since they have a balancing/competing claim on their priorities/time, it's much easier to say "hey, your kid's time demands do not trump my (kid's) time demands.".

This all sounds a little bitter, and I'm not at all bitter and I actually feel very much for these women who are under super-hero pressure: be a full time parent, full time earner AND somehow try to avoid being totally isolated while you do it, but beyond meeting other single parents - people in the same, shared state of life - your pickings are going to be very very slim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, your best bet will be with guys who understand your situation - divorced guys with kids. Maybe meeting them through kids' activities.

I'm a man. I have no children of my own.

I was married to someone who had a child from her previous marriage. I would never, ever, again marry a woman who had children from a previous relationship who hadn't yet left the nest. Period. My ex-wife was 42 when we got married and her son was in his late teens, and the child's father was very involved. I wasn't really expected to parent, and I got along well with the child and also her ex. However, it was painfully clear that I was not and never would be as important as the child. I have seen this happen to men with their own children, nevermind a step-child. I'm not up for taking care of someone else's problem thanks. And no, the step-child was not the cause of our divorce (me being taken for granted was).

I would date and have a casual relationship (including sex) with a single mom, but since most seem to want to find a replacement dad to complete the family (ie, a long term serious commitment and involvement), so I don't really even consider dating them since we really have different goals: it would be wrong to get someone's hopes up knowing I wouldn't want to follow through - that would be just using someone.

Dating a single parent is a logistical nightmare as well - the entire (adult) world has to yield to the less flexible moving parts: the kids. I hear some women in the comments here saying "gee, it's not worth $50 to just have coffee" - well, yes, 100% agree. It's also just coffee and it's not worth trying to work your whole damn schedule around the one 30 minute block in the two week window when single mom can get free. I get it - it's a totally legit demand on your time - but it's also totally the limitations on what single moms are offering (hint: not much, after they give of themselves to their kids).

Other than the reality that most single dads wind up with fewer custody hours, I think single fathers are basically the same. And since they have a balancing/competing claim on their priorities/time, it's much easier to say "hey, your kid's time demands do not trump my (kid's) time demands.".

This all sounds a little bitter, and I'm not at all bitter and I actually feel very much for these women who are under super-hero pressure: be a full time parent, full time earner AND somehow try to avoid being totally isolated while you do it, but beyond meeting other single parents - people in the same, shared state of life - your pickings are going to be very very slim.

Interesting perspective. I agree, you sound bitter and closed-minded, but at the same time, much of what you say is true -- you are describing me. Right down to squeezing in a coffee date. After reading your post, I'd just say, not the right guy for me and move on. And you'd be missing out on a lot that I, and other single moms, have to offer. Being a single mother is just one of my many characteristics. But since you think the way you do, I know you are not a good match for me, and my schedule is what it is...so clearly, I am not a good match for you.

I've found a good relationship with another single parent. Our custody arrangements are different, but he totally gets me and my time constraints. We work together to make it happen b/c our kids add to our lives, the don't detract. Many months after we started dating, our kids have now met. Even though our kid-free time is a lot more fun as a couple, we are able to spend more time together generally. Still, with jobs, kids, our own personal time, houses, etc., time is at a premium. I know this is my life at this stage in time. We just work it out and I don't see it being easier with anyone else. He is very understanding and I am very appreciative of that. I don't make a lot of apologies -- my kids are my family and family is my top priority. I make time for myself and I'm not crazy about doing things without them. They are, however, dependent on me and I'm not going to let them down b/c another adult thinks of them as a negative. I've been attracted to the men who find me attractive for all that I have going on. I have not been attracted to the guys with a similar schedule to my ex -- very limited time. I wonder why, b/c there are reasons why my ex's time is limited with the kids. I may be outing myself with this next statement, but my mother has always said, "there is a lid for every pot." It just may take some time to find the right person.

I very much enjoyed being married and I was totally committed. Now that I've done that (and I agree, the goal was marriage and kids, way back when)...I'm not sure how I feel about marrying again. I went into it thinking I would be married forever. I was not. It's a very different concept for me now, much more complicated financially. I'm just not sure at this point what I want and I have plenty of time to figure it out and get married again if I want. No ticking clocks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk, I've met several guys here on dcum who are in their fifties and are long-time divorcees. They just never wanted to remarry. Whereas, it sounds like a lot of women divorcees are looking for another marriage, or at least LTR. I think in the older crowd there might be a greater disparity between what kind of relationship they want.

You know, when you're young you expect that the other person will want to get married and have kids. But once you've got the kids, why go through the whole marriage thing again?

What? You met men on DC Urban Moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 45 with full custody and no family in the area. What's dating again?

I know I could probably do something online, but the cost of a sitter for an exploratory "how nice to meet you -- I've seen your profile" coffee/dinner is just not something I'm willing to take on. Don't want to spend $50+ making small talk with a stranger -- might be willing to do it with someone I kind of already know (met at work, etc), but not to go back on the online treadmill.

Why wouldn't you meet for coffee or lunch while your child/ren is/are in school or daycare? I'm 45 and married, but if I were single, that's what I would do. I can't imagine not having a love life just because I had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's male coworker, late 30's, with 50% custody of 3 kids age 5 and under, has dated no fewer than three woman (all divorcees) in the 6 months he's been divorced. All friend-of-friend type thing.

However, he is a great guy, who's wife had a midlife crisis. He did not seek the divorce.

I have a friend who's a wonderful guy, divorced with young kids. His problem is that women his age are empty nesters, and women with kids his kids' ages are at least 10 years younger and think he's too old. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk, I've met several guys here on dcum who are in their fifties and are long-time divorcees. They just never wanted to remarry. Whereas, it sounds like a lot of women divorcees are looking for another marriage, or at least LTR. I think in the older crowd there might be a greater disparity between what kind of relationship they want.

You know, when you're young you expect that the other person will want to get married and have kids. But once you've got the kids, why go through the whole marriage thing again?

I'm female, and I don't have any interest in getting married again, exactly because I have my kids, like my space, have no interest in doing all the domestic stuff I did while married and also, don't want to share my money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 45 with full custody and no family in the area. What's dating again?

I know I could probably do something online, but the cost of a sitter for an exploratory "how nice to meet you -- I've seen your profile" coffee/dinner is just not something I'm willing to take on. Don't want to spend $50+ making small talk with a stranger -- might be willing to do it with someone I kind of already know (met at work, etc), but not to go back on the online treadmill.

Why wouldn't you meet for coffee or lunch while your child/ren is/are in school or daycare? I'm 45 and married, but if I were single, that's what I would do. I can't imagine not having a love life just because I had kids.

Because some of us actually WORK during the day when our children are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends on what type of dating said Mama wants. Available men do abound, but do you want them?

I did the post-divorce palate cleanser and briefly dated a guy with an impressive package and good sense of humor. Never intended to take him seriously. Great lay. When I discovered he drank more than I could stand, we parted ways with no ill will. I still see him. He looks vaguely homeless.

Briefly toyed with the idea of remarrying. Met several single dads in various stages of rebound. Lots of great dates. The thought of dealing with their exes for the foreseeable future was too off-putting. One belongs to my gym. She never wipes down her machines.

Did online dating. Again,many good first dates, but a few weirdos and needy guys. Settled into a long-distance "Do you know what this is? 'Cause I sure the f*ck don't!" with a guy who was active duty. Several very passionate interludes followed by months of feeling confused or not giving a damn.

Dated a local politician. Took a lot of showers. Still don't feel totally clean.

Finally, met a guy when I didn't want to meet a guy and he didn't want to meet a girl. In a bar of all places.

I love this post. Adding to my collection of dcum's greatest hits.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously, your best bet will be with guys who understand your situation - divorced guys with kids. Maybe meeting them through kids' activities.

I'm a man. I have no children of my own.

I was married to someone who had a child from her previous marriage. I would never, ever, again marry a woman who had children from a previous relationship who hadn't yet left the nest. Period. My ex-wife was 42 when we got married and her son was in his late teens, and the child's father was very involved. I wasn't really expected to parent, and I got along well with the child and also her ex. However, it was painfully clear that I was not and never would be as important as the child. I have seen this happen to men with their own children, nevermind a step-child. I'm not up for taking care of someone else's problem thanks. And no, the step-child was not the cause of our divorce (me being taken for granted was).

I would date and have a casual relationship (including sex) with a single mom, but since most seem to want to find a replacement dad to complete the family (ie, a long term serious commitment and involvement), so I don't really even consider dating them since we really have different goals: it would be wrong to get someone's hopes up knowing I wouldn't want to follow through - that would be just using someone.

Dating a single parent is a logistical nightmare as well - the entire (adult) world has to yield to the less flexible moving parts: the kids. I hear some women in the comments here saying "gee, it's not worth $50 to just have coffee" - well, yes, 100% agree. It's also just coffee and it's not worth trying to work your whole damn schedule around the one 30 minute block in the two week window when single mom can get free. I get it - it's a totally legit demand on your time - but it's also totally the limitations on what single moms are offering (hint: not much, after they give of themselves to their kids).

Other than the reality that most single dads wind up with fewer custody hours, I think single fathers are basically the same. And since they have a balancing/competing claim on their priorities/time, it's much easier to say "hey, your kid's time demands do not trump my (kid's) time demands.".

This all sounds a little bitter, and I'm not at all bitter and I actually feel very much for these women who are under super-hero pressure: be a full time parent, full time earner AND somehow try to avoid being totally isolated while you do it, but beyond meeting other single parents - people in the same, shared state of life - your pickings are going to be very very slim.

So you do't want a long term relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk, I've met several guys here on dcum who are in their fifties and are long-time divorcees. They just never wanted to remarry. Whereas, it sounds like a lot of women divorcees are looking for another marriage, or at least LTR. I think in the older crowd there might be a greater disparity between what kind of relationship they want.

You know, when you're young you expect that the other person will want to get married and have kids. But once you've got the kids, why go through the whole marriage thing again?

What? You met men on DC Urban Moms?

Different poster, but I've met two guys from here as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always easy anywhere for women to meet men. Let's be serious here. If you go online, you will find them.

Written by a man...

sure, but how is this not the truth??

It's true if she's of better than average attractiveness. it's not true if she's not.

expectations need to be commensurate with degree of attractiveness. it's when expectations and desires are wildly off base that women end up so frustrated and racked with despondency.

This. If a woman is "average" then she has to lower the bar a bit. Same for guys. But an "average" woman in her 40s may have to accept that pudgy, balding men in their 40s are her equivalent. Sure, you can aim higher. But if you consistently have the bar too high, you're going to feel like there's Nobody Out There.