SAHM with kids in school

[Anonymous]

I work and my husband says home. Kids aren't in school full-time yet but they will both be in preschool three days a week next September. I have to admit I'm pretty jealous of the 12 hours of free time he's going to get.

That's actually a question I have for SAHMs with kids in school fulltime - do you in fact do most everything? Right now childcare and home care are split pretty much 50/50 between us when I get home from work and on the weekends. Should I expect that shift to like 20/80 when the kids are in school fulltime? I think I'd be pretty bitter if it didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs please weigh in. It seems to me (well at least based on the posts on this thread) that many women who have posted so defensively about their decision to stay home are staying home because they hated their jobs and never found fulfillment at work. So, it seems that instead of proactively choosing to be a SAHM (as in, this is awesome, the most fulfilling thing, something that I always wanted to do), it's a default option because working sucks -- like, thank God, I have an escape route and can quit.
Or alternatively, working was great but job required too many hours, too much time away from kids and husband works his nuts off...so again, SAHM became a default. Are there any SAHMs who can tell us about choosing to stay home because they love it and this is their passion?

All of my friends had good jobs. We just have different values and priorities than most working moms. We love staying home with our children and wouldn't want it any other way. We do look down on moms who work. And we feel sorry for other moms who work.

We have much better lives and we feel really lucky and blessed to be able to live this way.

Good night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work and my husband says home. Kids aren't in school full-time yet but they will both be in preschool three days a week next September. I have to admit I'm pretty jealous of the 12 hours of free time he's going to get.

That's actually a question I have for SAHMs with kids in school fulltime - do you in fact do most everything? Right now childcare and home care are split pretty much 50/50 between us when I get home from work and on the weekends. Should I expect that shift to like 20/80 when the kids are in school fulltime? I think I'd be pretty bitter if it didn't.

Most SAHMs have cleaning services and other help, frankly. At least in this area...

[Anonymous]

OK. Here is a scenario. Tell me what makes you so angry. What is this person doing wrong, in your opinion?


Wife is a SAHM by choice
Husband is a loving father and husband works normal DC hours and makes a very good income.
Husband travels frequently for work but when home is a great dad/husband
Wife is educated and interesting and did well in her career. Could return to it if she needed to
3 children. Not all in school full time
Wife's Parents are aging and need some help
Wife and husband have a strong interest in their children's education, moral development and health. Creating an environment that is low on family stress is important to both of them.
Wife knows when she needs help (hires it) and keep her life interesting, her body healthy and is available to her loved ones
Wife is interested in even more activity in the near future to help her community/outside world (as time frees up)
Wife is not a wall flower, family and financial decisions are made jointly with full respect
Husband is free to pursue interests (a sport, etc.) as wife realizes she has more free time than he does to do such things.
Husband/wife work on supporting each other to be the best people they can be. Also supporting each other on being the best parents they can be.


Communication in the family is usually good and the emphasis on health and happiness is a paramount family value.
Sure they fight, slam doors, etc. at times. No one is perfect. But really, what the heck is so wrong with this situation that it incites venom spewing from other women?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs please weigh in. It seems to me (well at least based on the posts on this thread) that many women who have posted so defensively about their decision to stay home are staying home because they hated their jobs and never found fulfillment at work. So, it seems that instead of proactively choosing to be a SAHM (as in, this is awesome, the most fulfilling thing, something that I always wanted to do), it's a default option because working sucks -- like, thank God, I have an escape route and can quit.
Or alternatively, working was great but job required too many hours, too much time away from kids and husband works his nuts off...so again, SAHM became a default. Are there any SAHMs who can tell us about choosing to stay home because they love it and this is their passion?

All of my friends had good jobs. We just have different values and priorities than most working moms. We love staying home with our children and wouldn't want it any other way. We do look down on moms who work. And we feel sorry for other moms who work.

We have much better lives and we feel really lucky and blessed to be able to live this way.



Wow! That was out of left field. She has leveled the playing field. Now both the WOHMs and SAHMs on this thread have degenerated into complete bitches. Oh well. I do appreciate some of the previous posters who weighed in on their decision to stay home and the fulfillment they find from being home with their kids.
One last question to the poster quoted -- do you feel sorry for your husband because he works? Or is it just a female thing, wanting to see your kids?

[Anonymous]

That's actually a question I have for SAHMs with kids in school fulltime - do you in fact do most everything? Right now childcare and home care are split pretty much 50/50 between us when I get home from work and on the weekends. Should I expect that shift to like 20/80 when the kids are in school fulltime? I think I'd be pretty bitter if it didn't.

I'm a SAHM, with kids in school, who does absolutely everything. In our particular situation (DH = long hours, job from hell), it would not be fair at all to expect DH to, say, throw in a load of sheets and towels and put away toys at 8:30 p.m. If we had 14-month old triplets or something, then yeah, we'd divvy up the laundry or vet appointments. Put another way, it's just plain wrong IMO for me to notice that the leaves need to be raked at 1 pm on a Tuesday, note that the kids are in school for two more hours, and decide to leave the raking for DH to do on Saturday so that I can read an enriching book that stimulates my mind until the kids come home.

But that could just be me. I do wear pearls and an up-do while I rake.

[Anonymous]

To reply to the PP's question: I am a SAHM who LOVED my job. I did not earn a lot of money so you are right--if I'd earned 150K for working 30 hours a week I definitely would have had a different calculation. I DO NOT look down on women who work (am appalled by the PP who stated that, and she does not speak for SAHMs). I believe it is better for my children and our family life, for us, that I am home. But no, I did not see children as an escape route.

[Anonymous]

To the PP. I am curious why the calculation would be different if you "made 150K for 30 hrs a week?" I made over well over 200K for about 30 hours of in office work, not counting the time I spent on the computer, etc. after the kids were in bed. But I am a SAHM now and love it.

[Anonymous]

All of my friends had good jobs. We just have different values and priorities than most working moms. We love staying home with our children and wouldn't want it any other way. We do look down on moms who work. And we feel sorry for other moms who work.

We have much better lives and we feel really lucky and blessed to be able to live this way.

Good night.





This is exactly the kind of post that is meant to hurt people. You do not know that you have different "values" and "priorities" than "most" working moms. Which values and priorities do you mean and which working moms do you feel so different from??

You look down on moms who work? That says a lot more about you than it does about moms who work.

And you feel sorry for other moms who work. Again, that says a lot more about you than it does about moms who work.

"We have better lives." I doubt that. You sound pretty fucking stupid at this point. You have better lives that who, and how would you know. Do you have a better life than HRC? She always worked. Do you have a better life than Angelina Jolie?? I doubt it.

Not to compare you brain to a butt plug or anything. But it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass.

Signed,

The poster who admitted to a mix of emotions regarding her work/family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP. I am curious why the calculation would be different if you "made 150K for 30 hrs a week?" I made over well over 200K for about 30 hours of in office work, not counting the time I spent on the computer, etc. after the kids were in bed. But I am a SAHM now and love it.

I am the PP. The calculation would change because 150K for a mere 30 hours of work would be like manna from heaven on our family budget, and then that might change our thinking. Obviously if you could give up a job paying 200K for 30 hours a week, then your family's income is much higher than ours! I earned around 45K for working 50-60 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

I have a little different perspective on this issue because my mom worked full-time as a pediatrician. I was and still am so proud of her professional accomplishments -- she was truly a path-breaker -- but I always wished she could be home more. When my oldest son was born I thought working part-time would be the solution. But I felt torn all the time, plus, DH traveled a lot and we had no family in the area. I should note that these circumstances were the exact opposite of my parents' situation when I was growing up. Knowing how much these factors influenced both my mother's choice to work full-time and my own decision to SAH, I have always taken the view that every woman makes this choice for reasons so individual that the rest of us cannot and should not judge her decision.

In my own case I found to my great surprise that a choice driven initially by negatives opened the door to new possibilities which I embraced. I loved having the time to be with my kids and to create a family life that has a little more breathing room. My husband has been supportive of my choice -- not because he wants to be taken care of or is some '50s throwback, but because he values the difference it makes in our family life. We feel fortunate that he has a job that allows us to do this financially. Each of us respects and is grateful for the contribution the other is making to our family life. Another unexpected benefit of being at home has been having the time and opportunity to pursue passions and participate in activities that were just nice daydreams for years. (Even before my oldest was born, I worked crazy hours and had little time to do much else.) These are a source of great satisfaction to me, and my husband and kids respect that. I volunteer at the kids' schools and through our church's outreach program, and I unleash my artistic side (which was buried when I worked as a lawyer).

My youngest is now 8 and my oldest is 14; I'm very conscious that he'll be leaving home in just a few years. Having unstructured, unplanned time with my children is so important in knowing the people they're becoming and trying to guide them to be their best, most authentic selves. Just being home when they get back from school is a huge opportunity to help them sort through the day. Sure, some days when I ask how school was I just get "fine", but other days, like today, I hear about the fight my daughter had with her best friend and the moment in the cafeteria when my son saw what it was like for the kid in his grade who just came out and now has noone to sit with at lunch. When I was my children's age I really wanted my mom to be there on days like today. That's the main reason I choose to stay home.

[Anonymous]

PP, totally agree. I was also raised by a mother who worked very hard as a professional in an era when most women didn't. I felt just as you did: proud of her accomplishments, but longing for her to be home more. My childhood is one of the main reasons (not the only reason) I choose to stay home.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM - I will weigh in:
I have been married 10 years and just started having kids 2 years ago. I have 2 already - late start but am catching up.
I worked my tail off until the week I delivered my first. I absolutely adored my job/career. I did however work 60 hours or more and traveled a lot (Hotel management). It is the industry and there is no way to work less hours. This is NOT healthy for a "family life" for my family. It might work for some but not mine. I went on maternity leave and they actually offered for me to work part time. I was so torn bc I love to work but here I had this little adorable baby boy that I loved more. I also dont have family to help me - not on either side. I searched for a nanny for 3 months and did not meet one that I felt comfortable with and got pregnant again on maternity leave so this made my decision not to go back easier. Now I have 2 babies to care for and I find it exhausting but it fulfills everything that I ever need to make feel complete. To my husband and I - we have decided that we do not want anyone else raising our children. I give a lot of credit to nannies that do a good job because it is not easy but in my opinion it is incredibly rewarding when you are able to teach and see them grow in front of your eyes. I also LOVE to cook - and this allows for me to continue my hobby and everyone benefits from it.
My father got sick with cancer during these years and I got to spend every day with him and let him laugh and smile through his pain when he got to see his grandkids every day. He passed away in 11 months within diagnosis and I dont regret a single thing - I spent a lot of time with him, cared for him and said everything I wanted to say. He was a workaholic and I got to know him more in 11 months than I did my entire life.
My career was great but in the end, I did not make that much money to justify "having" to work. My income cannot afford a full time nanny or daycare for 2. I would break even and I do love being with my babies so much.
I love bathing them myself, cooking for my toddler, teaching him, loving him, kissing them and being responsible for their personalities (Half is genetics and the other half is upbringing).
I give credit to those who can do it all (work and all the stuff a sahm does, I really do, but it doesnt work for our family). When my kids go to school fulltime, I do hope I get lucky enough to find something part time that does not interfere with the above but if not - I am able to fulfill my days and not feel guilty about it.
Although there are some aspects to work I do miss, I would be so depressed if I sent my kids off as soon as they woke up and picked them up only to put them to bed. (even if they are in school fulltime, it is not any different).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, totally agree. I was also raised by a mother who worked very hard as a professional in an era when most women didn't. I felt just as you did: proud of her accomplishments, but longing for her to be home more. My childhood is one of the main reasons (not the only reason) I choose to stay home.

Not every SAHM is created equal. Not everyone has what it "takes" to rear children all day long. Me and my 3 siblines grew up with a SAHM who stayed home for many reasons posters here do. Big Mistake. She had no temperment for it. SHe had no patience. She constantly mentioned how she felt like a housekeeper/maid. She admitted that she loathed putting dinner on the table day in and day out.

She thinks she did it for us, but she really should have forged a life of her own, she would have probably been a better mother and a better example. Not many moms are Mary Poppins. I've seen it myself. The yelling, the impatience, the detachment, the burn out, and the lack of organization.

She still thinks SAH is best for children, in many cases I disagree. She will tell you what am amazing thing it is, but her words did not match her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All of my friends had good jobs. We just have different values and priorities than most working moms. We love staying home with our children and wouldn't want it any other way. We do look down on moms who work. And we feel sorry for other moms who work.

We have much better lives and we feel really lucky and blessed to be able to live this way.

Good night.

Wow. You look down on moms who work and are sorry for moms who work?

I have to say, I feel blessed to not know you. I would never look down on a SAHM. I do, however, look down on judgmental bitches, which you and your friends clearly are. So what exactly will you do if your daughters choose to work when they grow up? Look down on them too?