SAHM with kids in school

[Anonymous]

It is interesting to hear from the moms whose own mothers worked and how it has contributed to their decision to not work. My experience was different. My mother was a very educated, successful career woman, who stayed at home once she had kids. Quite honestly, I just don't remember spending all that much time with her. I remember running around the neighborhood with my friends all day from the time I turned 5. I honestly can't remember having much 1-on-1 time with her or even really that many conversations. I love her to bits, so I'm not resentful or anything. I was just always busy doing other things.

I guess I would have remembered more if she wasn't home for dinner, but even working full time as an attorney, I'm home most nights for dinner.

Just a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

The most important thing for a child is to have a happy and loving mother. For some people, that's a mother who can stay at home, one who might otherwise be stressed and miserable if she had to balance a job outside the home. For some people, that's a mother who works, one who might otherwise feel trapped, bored, resentful, or financially stretched if she had to stay home. A child will benefit from either situation as long as that's what works best for her parents.

What really offends me is the idea that a stay-at-home mom sets a bad example for her children. I think it is a far worse example to teach children that a career is more important than family, that money and things are more important than people, that a title on the door is more important than the pursuit of personal passions (even if unpaid). I'm not remotely suggesting that all working moms put those things first; they absolutely do not. I am addressing only those women who believe that a job outside the home is paramount to being a good example. It's just not so. We are good examples through how we treat other people and the world, not what job we do, how much money we make, or what promotions we achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most important thing for a child is to have a happy and loving mother. For some people, that's a mother who can stay at home, one who might otherwise be stressed and miserable if she had to balance a job outside the home. For some people, that's a mother who works, one who might otherwise feel trapped, bored, resentful, or financially stretched if she had to stay home. A child will benefit from either situation as long as that's what works best for her parents.

What really offends me is the idea that a stay-at-home mom sets a bad example for her children. I think it is a far worse example to teach children that a career is more important than family, that money and things are more important than people, that a title on the door is more important than the pursuit of personal passions (even if unpaid). I'm not remotely suggesting that all working moms put those things first; they absolutely do not. I am addressing only those women who believe that a job outside the home is paramount to being a good example. It's just not so. We are good examples through how we treat other people and the world, not what job we do, how much money we make, or what promotions we achieve.

AMEN!

[Anonymous]

On the marriage stability front there are challenges for both SAHM and WM. I agree that SAHMs are more vulnerable financially but not so sure the probabilty of marital strife is higher. As a WM, I know that there is alot of stress around the 50-50 split. We probably have more of a 60-40 split but I know alot of WMs who divorced their husbands because of the unequal contributions. Just as there are lots of stories of SAHM problems with husbands resenting supporting someone at home, lack of understanding of what it takes to manage things at home, and living in different worlds there are the reverse problems for 2 income families. I know quite a few WM who make more money than DH and do 80% of the childcare and household activities. At some point, they get fed up and end it.

If I made a few million and knew we were completely financially stable, I would consider staying home even though I enjoy my job and it is challenging. I think the biggest challenge would be finding the motivation to do and find things that are really engaging and not let errands and housework consume my life. At work for better or worse I am driven by goals, the need to produce and rise to the occasion. I know that without those drivers, I have a hard time creating the same momentum. I think you have to be very self motivated as a SAHM to not get stuck in a rut.

For me, I would probably look toward the future and decide what I wanted to do and be 10 years later. The time when the kids are in school would be a good opportunity to reinvent your future options. Not by taking whatever classes are available but choosing ones that would lead and prepare me in that direction.

I taught as an adjunct after grad school and would probably go back to this. Trust me academia (unless you are tenure track or chasing research grants) is pretty darn easy, engaging, and low stress. OP- depending on your field and level of degree you could look into this. Its a little hard to break into if you haven't done it but a number of colleges and Universities have higher adjunct ratios.

For volunteering, I would probably look for opportunities independent of the local moms clubs and kid things. I would still spend time volunteering for things that made a difference in my kids schools, but I hear from even my SAHM friends that some of these volunteer things are more annoying mom social clubs. You might want consider volunteer opportunities that utilize your previous working skill set and stay away from the traditional fundraising which again can become more social.

I think older kids respect who you are and what you do not what someone else pays you to do it. The mom who is leading the charge for cause XYZ but not getting paid is not getting less respect than a mom doing the same being paid by a non-profit. If your life is consumed by "filler" activities, social activities, complaining about your sacrifices, and decorating the house then the example for your kids is not great but there is no reason that staying at home should you lead you down this path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The WOHM PP from a number of posts ago, who gave a thoughtful answer and said that deep down, much of the venom directed at SAHMs by WOHMs is driven by jealousy, had it right. (Now, of course, defensive WOHMs will leap in to assure us all that they don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, they feel sorry for SAHMs, etc., etc...)

I used to be a SHAM, but returned to work when the kids got older. I do have a choice and I could have SAH, but honestly I found it really tiresome to constantly have conversations that revolved around bitching about our partners, diaper sizes, and the latest class offerings at the YMCA. I was very lucky to find a flexible PT work situation. We are looking at having #3 and I am 100% uncomfortable about putting an infant in daycare, so I'm quite terrified at the prospect of being home for the 2 years and losing my extremely flexible job. I might just invest in a nanny and only net a few hundred a month just to get past the first two years without losing my job.

I still have many SAHM friends and unlike on this board and the exclamations of wedded domestic bliss, many of them are miserable and frustrated being at home, but terribly intimidated and lost at the prospect of entering the work force again. There have been many a tear shed on my shoulder. Many of their husbands have checked out and leave all of the housekeeping and child rearing to their wives living at home in quiet desperation.

This is exactly the reason why I wanted to continue to work after having children. I have choices but chose to keep my job, which does offer flexibility, to prevent frustration on my end. I have a friend whose husband didn't lift a finger, EVER, in over 5 years. She was sick with the flu and had to be hospitalized because of dehydration-he didn't check on her. He never changed a diaper, cooked a meal, helped with the house, a big NOTHING. She put up with to stay at home. I would be divorced if I had to live that life.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose husband didn't lift a finger, EVER, in over 5 years. She was sick with the flu and had to be hospitalized because of dehydration-he didn't check on her. He never changed a diaper, cooked a meal, helped with the house, a big NOTHING. She put up with to stay at home. I would be divorced if I had to live that life.

What does a terrible husband have to do with the discussion, exactly? If I had a husband like that, I'd be miserable whether I worked or stayed at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a friend whose husband didn't lift a finger, EVER, in over 5 years. She was sick with the flu and had to be hospitalized because of dehydration-he didn't check on her. He never changed a diaper, cooked a meal, helped with the house, a big NOTHING. She put up with to stay at home. I would be divorced if I had to live that life.

What does a terrible husband have to do with the discussion, exactly? If I had a husband like that, I'd be miserable whether I worked or stayed at home.

I did not post this but think her point was that because the woman was not earning an income, she was trapped into staying with the loser husband. Though I guess if she was really miserable she COULD have gone back to work and then dumped him. Who knows. Who cares.

[Anonymous]

As I have gotten older, I have realized that most of my decisions were leading me to be a SAHM. My mom has been a huge example to me, a SAHM (no college degree), and she really pushed my to get MANY degrees. I HAVE many degrees, but have never been terribly ambitious or career oriented. I always saw myself with a family. I always saw this as my job and my passion. I always wanted to be married with kids. I have MANY interests, some related to my degrees, some not. I pursue them...sometimes. Sometimes I do not. I like to volunteer and be around my family and friends. I like to have a slow day without too much running around. I LIKE taking care of my family and myself this way and right now, am not missing work at all. I had a passion for my first job, but left it without looking back. Mothering is always what I saw myself doing...maybe it how I was raised, maybe it is my calling, maybe it is an unconscious guilt, I do not know. I want to be with my kids. That is all I know for now, and that is good enough for me. I am smart and confident enough to know if I change my mind later, I will make my goals and dreams a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a friend whose husband didn't lift a finger, EVER, in over 5 years. She was sick with the flu and had to be hospitalized because of dehydration-he didn't check on her. He never changed a diaper, cooked a meal, helped with the house, a big NOTHING. She put up with to stay at home. I would be divorced if I had to live that life.

What does a terrible husband have to do with the discussion, exactly? If I had a husband like that, I'd be miserable whether I worked or stayed at home.

Yes, true

But if you worked, you'd have your own security and you could leave him.

So, if women had terrible husbands, they'd be smart to also have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

I am a SAHM with a husband in a pretty high-paying profession. I am sure some people make the above assumption about me - as I have a lot of free-time - but I worked like a dog in my 20's, sometimes two jobs, to get ahead. When I met my husband I was the high earner - then as he advanced in his career - I slowed down. I brought some family money into the picture when we were married and I feel entitled to this time in my life - not being tied to a job. I am enjoying myself!

[Anonymous]

PP here - I forgot to add that in response to the comment that many men would want to have as much free-time as their SAH - wives.....not my husband - he is a workaholic and loves what he does - his career "defines" him. I feel more defined by my children and my home life. Guess I am old-fashioned.

[Anonymous]

What does a terrible husband have to do with the discussion, exactly? If I had a husband like that, I'd be miserable whether I worked or stayed at home.


Yes, true

But if you worked, you'd have your own security and you could leave him.

So, if women had terrible husbands, they'd be smart to also have a career.

This is really a red herring. If you're a SAHM and decide to leave the marriage, you can still leave the marriage and not be living under the Key Bridge. It's false to suggest, even in 2009, that women (or men) who have S'AH get no financial support any more in the immediate years following dissolution of marriage. They can and do. (This assumes the non-SAH spouse has current earning capability.) Not until the end of time of course, but initially, and typically for long enough for SAH to ramp up again in the previous or an all-new career.

Then, assets get sold and divided.

Point being that in the DCUM demographic, there just aren't droves of women either heading to the shelters post-divorce or literally (vs. figuratively) trapped in a marriage because their earning potential is $7 an hour.

[Anonymous]

But if you worked, you'd have your own security and you could leave him.

This line of thinking really does not give women enough credit. Just because you stay home doesn't mean you don't have your own security, and just because you were unemployed once doesn't mean you'll be unemployed forever. It's always doomsday! Really, people who believe they are in happy marriages and have financial security should continue in jobs they don't want and don't need JUST IN CASE? I'd rather enjoy the time I have now than live in fear of what-ifs. Anything could happen to any of us tomorrow (one of the reasons I enjoy being home with my child now that I can be). I'm not saying don't be smart about it, but for heaven's sake, plenty of SAHMs are in happy marriages with wonderful men and feel plenty secure with their financial situation. And if I turn out to be wrong, I'll deal with it, but at least I was happy until then.

My guess is that the women on DCUM who consistently push the "but what if you get divorced???? you'll have nothing!!!!!" scenario did not grow up with parents in happy marriages, or at least not with happily married parents and a SAHM. It is possible. It does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But if you worked, you'd have your own security and you could leave him.

This line of thinking really does not give women enough credit. Just because you stay home doesn't mean you don't have your own security, and just because you were unemployed once doesn't mean you'll be unemployed forever. It's always doomsday! Really, people who believe they are in happy marriages and have financial security should continue in jobs they don't want and don't need JUST IN CASE? I'd rather enjoy the time I have now than live in fear of what-ifs. Anything could happen to any of us tomorrow (one of the reasons I enjoy being home with my child now that I can be). I'm not saying don't be smart about it, but for heaven's sake, plenty of SAHMs are in happy marriages with wonderful men and feel plenty secure with their financial situation. And if I turn out to be wrong, I'll deal with it, but at least I was happy until then.

My guess is that the women on DCUM who consistently push the "but what if you get divorced???? you'll have nothing!!!!!" scenario did not grow up with parents in happy marriages, or at least not with happily married parents and a SAHM. It is possible. It does happen.

I am new to this thread but unfortunately it is indeed a realistic scenario no matter how unsavory. I grew up with a SAHM Mom who *thought* she was in a happy marriage. Until she wasn't and my Dad left and she had to find a job in a crappy economy after being out of the workforce for 15 years. She couldn't even get a credit card in her own name. So of course no one should "live in fear of what-ifs" but every adult should have money in his/her own name and marketable skills. Just my opinion based on my traumatic childhood.

[Anonymous]

Right. That picture is just as realistic as the picture of a happy marriage. They both happen all the time!