SAHM with kids in school

[Anonymous]

16:13---will you be my friend? I can see that working or not-working does little to define who you really are. You sound like a genuinely interesting person that I would love to spend time with!

AND

Anonymous wrote:
Well, my parents have always been and still are blissfully married. But I still can't imaging myself living some 1950's housewife thing where I take care of the home fires and the man earns the money. How could I justify my extensive (and expensive) education? And please don't tell me your master's degree makes you a better mother. That's ridiculous. I just can't understand why so many women are totally fulfilled by childcare and housekeeping. I LOVE cooking for my family. I love that I am good mother. But it doesn't define me, and I just don't get that in 2009 there are women for whom parenthood/wifehood is all they've always wanted. Takes all types, I guess.

WOW---you might as well just wear a badge that says, "unhappy, insecure woman" because your post just screams it. I will never understand the need to vehemently put down others who don't make the same lifestyle choices that do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Who ARE you women? Thankfully, we don't hang in the same circles, or if we have I've probably already offended many of you with my liberated ways. not that I give a damn

Thank goodness is right. Anyone who thinks their job defines their life is not my cup of tea. It's not that hard to get a job. It's a lot harder to be a nice, gracious, well-rounded person.

True that!

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the posts, but SAHMs are able to participate in numerous volunteer activities that positively affect our communities such as tutoring children, delivering meals on wheels, organizing and/or chaperoning school events, volunteering at the polls or library, etc. Can anyone honestly say that such actions are less worthy than being employed as a big law firm litigator?

[Anonymous]

Fan of 16:13 here too. Let's all get together!

[Anonymous]

I think people get defensive on both sides because it's all about balance.

Working moms sometimes want more time at home, SAHM sometimes want something more for themselves and a break from the home routine. Seems pretty normal to me.

My husband and I are lucky enough (also worked hard before having kids and waited a while) to be able to have a lot of flexibility in our jobs. I was able to go to a reduced schedule yet still have a challenging job once I had a baby (no, not challenging every day of course, sometimes boring and humdrum, but mostly I enjoy it and it teaches me a lot). My husband works at times with clients in Australia, etc. plus does a fair bit of writing so he can do his job any time any where, on most days. The upside is we both have jobs we enjoy and can minimize our child's time away from both parents. That being said, we LOVE the two women who take care of our baby (home day care) and have learned so much from them, so that feels like a bonus too that I wouldn't have if I stayed home.

Is our life perfect and always balanced? Of course not! Some days I would love to not have to work, but most days I'm grateful for my job and schedule, and since I am one of those people who is not into cooking (though I do actually enjoy cleaning!) and I'm not a joiner, I think staying home full time would be tough on me (I'm a bit of a homebody and fear that I would stay in a lot or tend to keep to myself when taking baby to park, etc.) though I realize a lot of smart, educated, ambitious, motivated moms do just fine and really enjoy it.

I feel lucky our kid will have time with both parents, unlike me - my dad worked crazy hours, traveled, was very successful and made a lot of money, my mom liked teaching for two years, then staying home once she had kids and running the house. That was fine too, less balanced in some ways, but fine. Now, my husband and I share in the home duties and I don't feel guilty about not doing the cooking, etc, because we both work.

I guess I could quit my job and have my husband do freelance and work a lot more, giving me a bunch more time at home and him very little, but that doesn't seem good either. If we had millions and millions would I quit my job and hire a cook and a housekeeper, a private yoga instructor, etc.? Probably. But I don't have that choice - oh well! I'll take what I do have any day.

BTW I realized I didn't answer the OP's question but since this post turned into something else, I had to weigh in. Extremes are usually bad. The SAHM with no balance is unhappy, as is the WM with no balance. Most women I know fall in-between, and do pretty great.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this post because I feel the same way:

"There is something wrong in our society when we make women feel bad for staying home with their children. Stay home with your children and be happy, or go to a job you don't love and don't need just to be able to tell people that you have a job? Seems like a no-brainer to me. If you want to stay home and can afford to do so -- awesome.

Love,

Another Well-Educated, Employable, Happy SAHM Who Will Be a Good Example to Her Children Regardless of Whether I Go Back To Work"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this post because I feel the same way:

"There is something wrong in our society when we make women feel bad for staying home with their children. Stay home with your children and be happy, or go to a job you don't love and don't need just to be able to tell people that you have a job? Seems like a no-brainer to me. If you want to stay home and can afford to do so -- awesome.

Love,

Another Well-Educated, Employable, Happy SAHM Who Will Be a Good Example to Her Children Regardless of Whether I Go Back To Work"

Why are you pulling this post up? It's 3 months old? Bored SAHM?

[Anonymous]

To 14:19:

I found your post offensive and mean, obviously you read that old post yourself as well to know it was old.

I'm done with DC Urban Moms. I'm removing it from my bookmark. I'm not going to read it anymore nor post to it anymore.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I have to say, I love my job. IF I had the luxury of staying home while my kids are in school (which would happen if we go overseas again and there are no jobs to be had), I would either go back to school or take on something constructive (like re-doing the house or something). I would "lunch" as well - why not? I see nothing wrong with it.

I do believe in working outside the home for a variety of reasons (financial independence, what would happen if spouse left or got seriously injured, etc.), but that's my personal opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 14:19:

I found your post offensive and mean, obviously you read that old post yourself as well to know it was old.

I'm done with DC Urban Moms. I'm removing it from my bookmark. I'm not going to read it anymore nor post to it anymore.

And no one will notice your absence either.

[Anonymous]

These working moms who talk about how envious they are that SAHMs have the "choice" to stay home. Yes, that is true for some SAHMs but others CHOOSE to stay at home and sacrifice other things--like private school. Like a bigger house. Like vacations.
Do you send your kids to private school? Do you live in an upscale part of DC? And you HAVE to work to maintain this lifestyle, huh? No, you CHOOSE to work to maintain this lifestyle.

Of course, there are plenty (the majority) of WMs who obviously DO NOT have the choice. I feel for them. But I also think they are not the majority on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, my parents have always been and still are blissfully married. But I still can't imaging myself living some 1950's housewife thing where I take care of the home fires and the man earns the money. How could I justify my extensive (and expensive) education? And please don't tell me your master's degree makes you a better mother. That's ridiculous. I just can't understand why so many women are totally fulfilled by childcare and housekeeping. I LOVE cooking for my family. I love that I am good mother. But it doesn't define me, and I just don't get that in 2009 there are women for whom parenthood/wifehood is all they've always wanted. Takes all types, I guess.

Yeah, cuz all jobs and careers are the same!! I mean, hell, I could die looking back thinking YEAH I really helped the world thru my 60 hr/week marketing job for a major corporation. Or my job as a PR marketer for a law firm.

Lots of people love their jobs; many others happen to find their office jobs somewhat blah. What if you happen to be talented in a specialty that is, well, BORING!!! How psyched would you be to have the chance to stay at home for a few yrs while your kids are young???

[Anonymous]

Work to live OR live to work.
In DC most women live to work. When they have kids they are hellbent on maintaining that mentality--often to their own (and their kids') detriment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These working moms who talk about how envious they are that SAHMs have the "choice" to stay home. Yes, that is true for some SAHMs but others CHOOSE to stay at home and sacrifice other things--like private school. Like a bigger house. Like vacations.
Do you send your kids to private school? Do you live in an upscale part of DC? And you HAVE to work to maintain this lifestyle, huh? No, you CHOOSE to work to maintain this lifestyle.

Of course, there are plenty (the majority) of WMs who obviously DO NOT have the choice. I feel for them. But I also think they are not the majority on this forum.

There are also some of us who made the choice to try to cut back on hours, mom and dad, so we could both be big part of our children's lives rather than have one stay home, one work. It is great that some moms sacrifice to SAH, but all moms make sacrifices. Who cares if someone works just because they enjoy it?

It is always so black and white on these boards - as if the only set up of a WM is one where mom and dad both work 60 hours a week - most families I know where both parents work, work really hard to balance the schedule. In fact, when I think of my company, all the moms I know do this. I work 4 days a week, and get to work later (9:30) and leave earlier (5:30) than before I had kids. And my husband does the same. He works all 5 days but pretty much does the 9:30-5:30 and if he has more work to do, does it after everyone else is in bed. When my kids start school I'll simply shift to 5 shorter days and be home with them in the afternoon.

You make it sound as if our choice is downright evil, and as far as I can tell, we seem happy! And most moms at my company do something similar - don't work every day, or telecommute to cut down on commuting time, work flex hours switched with their husband so they can maximize parent time with their child.

I think that some SAHMs probably have husbands that work a ton of hours, but I think having the mom work in many families mean both parents can sometimes work less than they could if only one was working. Either way, it seems really silly to judge ALL families when you don't know the family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

This thread seems old and I'll admit that I have not read all the responses. I wonder if all this black and white passion for why you choose to stay at home or work is actually artificial. I think people make decisions more from the perspective of their situation and what is pragmatic.

For a SAHM who was not that interested in her job, her field, and did not make that much money woudn't it simply be more pragmatic to keep staying home when the kids were in school? For a SAHM who received a great job offer wouldn't it be more pragmatic for her to go back? Nothing wrong with either scenario but the driver is situational not belief based. Oddly, both will probably go on and on about how they made the choice because staying at home or working and providing more financial security is best for the children. Again not to say that either of these choices are not beneficial to the kids, but the altruistic choices are more about what true options you have than the mommy wars.