DH wants "open relationship" after my affair...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

You sound like someone who has had an affair, yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

You sound like someone who has had an affair, yourself.

Never cheated in a relationship so no. Being a bad partner does not equate to being a bad parent unless one is physically hurting the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

You sound like someone who has had an affair, yourself.

Never cheated in a relationship so no. Being a bad partner does not equate to being a bad parent unless one is physically hurting the other.

Actually they are quite related. Cheating when you have kids means you are willing ot take the risk of breaking apart your marriage. It means youa re willing to risk your childnren;s stability. It means you are willing to risk betraying and devastating and potentially traumatizing their other parent or at least making them an emotional wreck. Cheating means you are more than willing to risk your children's wellbeing and willing to break up their family. Anyone who cheats knows that it could hurt the kids, it could cause them emotional pain and suffering, that they risk introducing pain and sorrow and conflict into the family. they are willing to risk their own relationship with their kids who may not too forgiving about their parent's action. Cheating is putting your kids last, and not really caring about the risk of bringing emotional harm to them. Not really qualities of a 'good' parent.

[Anonymous]

^^my dad cheated. It was really between them. Their marriage was a mess long before cheating happened and a messy marriage was far worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

You sound like someone who has had an affair, yourself.

Never cheated in a relationship so no. Being a bad partner does not equate to being a bad parent unless one is physically hurting the other.

Actually they are quite related. Cheating when you have kids means you are willing ot take the risk of breaking apart your marriage. It means youa re willing to risk your childnren;s stability. It means you are willing to risk betraying and devastating and potentially traumatizing their other parent or at least making them an emotional wreck. Cheating means you are more than willing to risk your children's wellbeing and willing to break up their family. Anyone who cheats knows that it could hurt the kids, it could cause them emotional pain and suffering, that they risk introducing pain and sorrow and conflict into the family. they are willing to risk their own relationship with their kids who may not too forgiving about their parent's action. Cheating is putting your kids last, and not really caring about the risk of bringing emotional harm to them. Not really qualities of a 'good' parent.

Does anyone say that to men who cheat?

[Anonymous]

My Dad cheated. I find myself being insecure about my own wife's fidelity. And, when I'm being rational, she's given me absolutely no reason to be insecure. If I had to guess, I'd say that my insecurity is rooted in my Dad's abandoning the family for another woman when I was little. So, I'd have to agree that cheating makes you a shitty parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

You sound like someone who has had an affair, yourself.

Never cheated in a relationship so no. Being a bad partner does not equate to being a bad parent unless one is physically hurting the other.

Actually they are quite related. Cheating when you have kids means you are willing ot take the risk of breaking apart your marriage. It means youa re willing to risk your childnren;s stability. It means you are willing to risk betraying and devastating and potentially traumatizing their other parent or at least making them an emotional wreck. Cheating means you are more than willing to risk your children's wellbeing and willing to break up their family. Anyone who cheats knows that it could hurt the kids, it could cause them emotional pain and suffering, that they risk introducing pain and sorrow and conflict into the family. they are willing to risk their own relationship with their kids who may not too forgiving about their parent's action. Cheating is putting your kids last, and not really caring about the risk of bringing emotional harm to them. Not really qualities of a 'good' parent.

Does anyone say that to men who cheat?

Absolutely. A man cheating isn't thinking any more about his kids well-being than a woman cheating. I know many people whoa re resentful or who struggle with trust or their own relationships related to their parent's infidelity. Others who were angry with the parent who cheated or whose relationship with the parent was impacted by the cheating.

I am sure there are a few people who say mom/dad cheated and our family broke apart due to this but it had no impact on my life, my own relationships or on my relationship with that parent. However far more do say that the infidelity had a negative impact in one or more areas of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad cheated. I find myself being insecure about my own wife's fidelity. And, when I'm being rational, she's given me absolutely no reason to be insecure. If I had to guess, I'd say that my insecurity is rooted in my Dad's abandoning the family for another woman when I was little. So, I'd have to agree that cheating makes you a shitty parent.

I don't think your problem is the cheating, it's the leaving. Sounds like you have trust issues. That comes from abandonment. Cheating or the reason for abandoning doesn't really matter.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - you had a 3-year affair because you were bored? Really? I get bored and I go shopping or read a book. You need to figure out why you had this affair in the first place. It wasn't as simple as boredom, I can almost guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't Virginia a "no fault" state for divorce. I don't think there is any state where one can assign fault. That you had an affair really doesn't matter in terms of settlement, yes? But I'm not a lawyer, which leads me to my advice:

You need to consult a lawyer in VA and get accurate advice.

No. Infidelity, abandoning the family, etc. can affect property allocation.

OP, what's up with his request for details? That makes this story sound trollish or like a fetish. Also, talk to an attorney ASAP.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

And yet, reverse the genders and that happens all the time. There are many cases where men cheat, get thrown out of the house and the wife complains about where he lives/stays and determines how and when the father gets to see his children--and people think nothing of it. I've seen it happen many times over many years. It's become an accepted norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

And yet, reverse the genders and that happens all the time. There are many cases where men cheat, get thrown out of the house and the wife complains about where he lives/stays and determines how and when the father gets to see his children--and people think nothing of it. I've seen it happen many times over many years. It's become an accepted norm.

yes true. but nobody tells the wife who was the victim to take her cheating husband back - the typical venom is usually is for her to stand up for herself, get all the evidence she needs, divorce him and take his ass to the cleaners - let him fight for shared custody and/or visitation.

so should the same be applied here or do we have a double standard when the act is the same but the roles are reversed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IF this is real, just because you cheated does not mean you don't have a right to see your kids. Your husband kicked you out - understandably - but he doesn't get a right to bitch when you then choose where you live, even if with OM. He also doesn't get to say he wants an open marriage but try to use affair against you. Frankly, it's not going to be the same as before so I would divorce and go on with life.

Otoh, this could be a fake post by Centurion.

And yet, reverse the genders and that happens all the time. There are many cases where men cheat, get thrown out of the house and the wife complains about where he lives/stays and determines how and when the father gets to see his children--and people think nothing of it. I've seen it happen many times over many years. It's become an accepted norm.

yes true. but nobody tells the wife who was the victim to take her cheating husband back - the typical venom is usually is for her to stand up for herself, get all the evidence she needs, divorce him and take his ass to the cleaners - let him fight for shared custody and/or visitation.

so should the same be applied here or do we have a double standard when the act is the same but the roles are reversed?

First pp here. Cheating should never be grounds to not being able to see kids, regardless of gender. That's not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that your old life will never be back. I think your husband's suggestion of therapy for yourself is excellent. And, frankly, it is hard to blame him for wanting an open marriage or for thinking about divorce. Therapy will help you deal with this new reality.

+1

[Anonymous]

In Virginia, living with a lover can be considered in child custody. We still have a lot of laws regarding sex. While they can't be prosecuted, they can be considered in custody cases.

Why in the world would any mother just accept that she can't see her kids for 8 months? And she hasn't consulted an attorney? Jesus! This story gets more believable by the minute.