DH wants "open relationship" after my affair...

[Anonymous]

I am a 42 year old woman. I am married to what appears to everyone in public to be the "perfect man" - well educated, kind, a great father, decent provider, etc. We have two lovely teen girls together. However, about three years ago, I found myself in a very unhappy place and, in a lapse of judgement, I had a furtive, torrid affair with a guy I met at the gym. In any case, my DH discovered the affair. He kicked me out of the house (I came home to literrally find my bags on the doorstep and the locks changed), separating me from my DDs, and told me not to come back until I ended the affair with the OM and would agree to counseling. I briefly moved in with the OM, but then decided that I wanted my DH and my family back!

DH, however, has been very (I think unfairly) strict with me. He told me to get an apartment on my own, find a job (I was a SAHM who had been out of the workforce for a good 12 years. I am now working a job with a non-profit that is low paid - $20 - $30K - even though I have an Ivy education) and to seek individual therapy before we do family therapy. He says he wants to know all the sexual details of my relationship with OM and that I should be willing to do with DH anything I did with OM and that he may want to explore having an open relationship.

I just want to get my old life back, but I think DH needs to stop being so mean!!! I realize I did wrong, that the source of my unhappiness that led to the affair was me and not DH (I was bored SAHM) and that I can work on regaining DH's trust. I feel if he is asking for the open relationship, I am in danger of losing him permanently. We are in Virginia and I also fear that he may use my affair and the separation - coming up on 8 months - as the grounds for a divorce and that he would use it against me in any property or other settlement, leaving me with nothing. I am so sad and angry at the same time, but mostly at myself for getting into this situation. If anyone can sympathize or give me some good advice, I would appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Isn't Virginia a "no fault" state for divorce. I don't think there is any state where one can assign fault. That you had an affair really doesn't matter in terms of settlement, yes? But I'm not a lawyer, which leads me to my advice:

You need to consult a lawyer in VA and get accurate advice.

[Anonymous]

you need to be in therapy with him, not solo. people need to forgive peopel yeah it wasn;t a one time thign but given the chance he woudl do the same ting.

He needs to get off his high horse nad realixze he was part of the issue and move forward.

[Anonymous]

No sympathy. You fucked up. Except for demanding the intimate details of the affair (maybe you should provide those -- in graphic detail -- if you want to twist the knife?), I would probably do the same thing.

I hope he gets custody, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 42 year old woman. I am married to what appears to everyone in public to be the "perfect man" - well educated, kind, a great father, decent provider, etc. We have two lovely teen girls together. However, about three years ago, I found myself in a very unhappy place and, in a lapse of judgement, I had a furtive, torrid affair with a guy I met at the gym. In any case, my DH discovered the affair. He kicked me out of the house (I came home to literrally find my bags on the doorstep and the locks changed), separating me from my DDs, and told me not to come back until I ended the affair with the OM and would agree to counseling. I briefly moved in with the OM, but then decided that I wanted my DH and my family back!

DH, however, has been very (I think unfairly) strict with me. He told me to get an apartment on my own, find a job (I was a SAHM who had been out of the workforce for a good 12 years. I am now working a job with a non-profit that is low paid - $20 - $30K - even though I have an Ivy education) and to seek individual therapy before we do family therapy. He says he wants to know all the sexual details of my relationship with OM and that I should be willing to do with DH anything I did with OM and that he may want to explore having an open relationship.

I just want to get my old life back, but I think DH needs to stop being so mean!!! I realize I did wrong, that the source of my unhappiness that led to the affair was me and not DH (I was bored SAHM) and that I can work on regaining DH's trust. I feel if he is asking for the open relationship, I am in danger of losing him permanently. We are in Virginia and I also fear that he may use my affair and the separation - coming up on 8 months - as the grounds for a divorce and that he would use it against me in any property or other settlement, leaving me with nothing. I am so sad and angry at the same time, but mostly at myself for getting into this situation. If anyone can sympathize or give me some good advice, I would appreciate it.

He has a right to be angry, hurt, sad, of course. But the bolded above speaks more about his own insecurities and competitiveness than your infidelity. It sounds like he might need one-on-one counseling too. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to accept that your old life will never be back. I think your husband's suggestion of therapy for yourself is excellent. And, frankly, it is hard to blame him for wanting an open marriage or for thinking about divorce. Therapy will help you deal with this new reality.

[Anonymous]

You definitely messed up BIG TIME. And you know that.

But if he's going to forgive he needs to do just that; putting strange sexual caveats and trying to make your life hard out of revenge is not productive or right.

Sometimes we can't even things out, and if we're not ok with that, perhaps it's time to move on. You shouldn't have strayed, but he's not allowed to torture you for the duration of your relationship. If he's not able to do that maybe you shouldn't reunite. He doesn't have to take you back, and you don't have to go back.

[Anonymous]

I think he is terribly terribly hurt, and that men in particular feel humiliated after their spouse has an affair. I think a lot of this is about his ego. (especially the be willing todo with him what you did with OM, he should be able to have a relationship ,etc).

I think a lot of things:
- I think you should consult with a lawyer in case reconciliation is impossible. Also you deserve time with your girls.
- I think you should sincerely apologize (I'm sure you have, but you can never apologize too much after an affair)
- I think you should think about ways to support his ego.
- I think you need couples counseling, asap. If he won't agree, look for some books about surviving affairs and give them to him.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 42 year old woman. I am married to what appears to everyone in public to be the "perfect man" - well educated, kind, a great father, decent provider, etc. We have two lovely teen girls together. However, about three years ago, I found myself in a very unhappy place and, in a lapse of judgement, I had a furtive, torrid affair with a guy I met at the gym. In any case, my DH discovered the affair. He kicked me out of the house (I came home to literrally find my bags on the doorstep and the locks changed), separating me from my DDs, and told me not to come back until I ended the affair with the OM and would agree to counseling. I briefly moved in with the OM, but then decided that I wanted my DH and my family back!

DH, however, has been very (I think unfairly) strict with me. He told me to get an apartment on my own, find a job (I was a SAHM who had been out of the workforce for a good 12 years. I am now working a job with a non-profit that is low paid - $20 - $30K - even though I have an Ivy education) and to seek individual therapy before we do family therapy. He says he wants to know all the sexual details of my relationship with OM and that I should be willing to do with DH anything I did with OM and that he may want to explore having an open relationship.

I just want to get my old life back, but I think DH needs to stop being so mean!!! I realize I did wrong, that the source of my unhappiness that led to the affair was me and not DH (I was bored SAHM) and that I can work on regaining DH's trust. I feel if he is asking for the open relationship, I am in danger of losing him permanently. We are in Virginia and I also fear that he may use my affair and the separation - coming up on 8 months - as the grounds for a divorce and that he would use it against me in any property or other settlement, leaving me with nothing. I am so sad and angry at the same time, but mostly at myself for getting into this situation. If anyone can sympathize or give me some good advice, I would appreciate it.

Maybe others who know more about family/divorce law than me can correct me if I'm wrong -- but isn't it the case that he is legally not allowed to kick you out of your house, even though you had an affair? Especially since it seperated you from your daughters.

You really need to get a lawyer, OP.

[Anonymous]

Not only did you have am affair, which was stupid, but when he kicked you out, you went to the other man and lived with him? How disgusting is that? That's throwing salt in his wound. Forget trying to make him happy. Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

your life will never go back to where it was. never. you likely need to consider divorce. telling you to get your own apartment and insisting that you get a job was his smart steps at alleviating allimony obligations when the time comes that you do divorce. Your poor girls.

[Anonymous]

a guy from the gym? rule #1 you don't sh*t where you eat.

[Anonymous]

You cheated on your husband and you expect him not to make these kinds of demands? He should divorce you and take custody of the kids. You're a pig!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't Virginia a "no fault" state for divorce. I don't think there is any state where one can assign fault. That you had an affair really doesn't matter in terms of settlement, yes? But I'm not a lawyer, which leads me to my advice:

You need to consult a lawyer in VA and get accurate advice.

No. Infidelity, abandoning the family, etc. can affect property allocation.

OP, what's up with his request for details? That makes this story sound trollish or like a fetish. Also, talk to an attorney ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he is terribly terribly hurt, and that men in particular feel humiliated after their spouse has an affair. I think a lot of this is about his ego. (especially the be willing todo with him what you did with OM, he should be able to have a relationship ,etc).

I think a lot of things:
- I think you should consult with a lawyer in case reconciliation is impossible. Also you deserve time with your girls.
- I think you should sincerely apologize (I'm sure you have, but you can never apologize too much after an affair)
- I think you should think about ways to support his ego.
- I think you need couples counseling, asap. If he won't agree, look for some books about surviving affairs and give them to him.

Good luck.

I agree with all of this and absoultely think you should be in individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. But honestly, OP, I don't feel sorry for you in this situation. You don't sound very apologetic in your post - in fact, we are supposed to feel sorry for you because your DH is being mean to you, wtf?! You need a reality check.