Husband Turned Catholic on Me

[Anonymous]

I am a baptized Lutheran raised in a non-churchgoing, family. I have been married to a bar mitzvahed Jew raised in a non-temple-going family. We have been happily-married many years and raised two wonderful kids. Lately, there have been several deaths in the family and in our friend's families. Facing mortality has a way of making you examine life and ask yourself the big questions. You seek comfort and answers. I have actually considered finding a church to attend this year, and not necessarily a Lutheran one. I think my DH would be surprised but try to accommodate my new interest by changing up our weekend habits a bit. We have always seen each others as individuals. Lasting marriages accommodate change.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I find it interesting that my DD thinks that gay marriage, transsexualism, etc. cannot be questioned. I challenge her every day not to be doctrinaire and close-minded but to be able to logically defend her belief and to speak her truth with "gentleness and reverence."

As far as the admonition not to take communion if you are not Catholic or not in a state of grace, what is wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find it interesting that my DD thinks that gay marriage, transsexualism, etc. cannot be questioned. I challenge her every day not to be doctrinaire and close-minded but to be able to logically defend her belief and to speak her truth with "gentleness and reverence."

As far as the admonition not to take communion if you are not Catholic or not in a state of grace, what is wrong with that?

+1. Also don't have a problem with not saying Jewish prayers in Hebrews as a gentile. I think it is just a matter of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can completely understand what the OP is saying. It would bother me if, after a long time being married, my husband made a big decision like this (yes, it's a big decision) that impacted me, and left me out of it. There's a lot going on here, and just because it's church doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally made decisions that affect other people in the house and changes the dynamics of one of only two weekend days. Add to that the extra issue of the fact that is a religious issue where perhaps she thought they saw eye to eye on it only to discover they don't, that's a lot to digest.

I suspect you haven't been married very long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, he never goes for a run on Sunday mornings. He's not a runner! And while Mass is an "hour," he wants to go to a specific Mass - the one at 11 am - rather than 7 AM. Realistically, with going to and from, he is gone two hours. I sleep in until 9:30, so he could go earlier.

He's not a runner, but he is Catholic. You need to respect that. I was raised a Jesuit, I always attend the 10:30 mass because I go to a church on a Jesuit college campus and that is the mass that has all the music majors participating. They have the university choir and the musicians. It makes mass more enjoyable. Some parishes have a certain priest assigned to each mass and your husband may have a preference that way.

Honestly, you sound like a terror of a wife and if you'd like to divorce him, I've been looking for a catholic man to date. Send him my way.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, he never goes for a run on Sunday mornings. He's not a runner! And while Mass is an "hour," he wants to go to a specific Mass - the one at 11 am - rather than 7 AM. Realistically, with going to and from, he is gone two hours. I sleep in until 9:30, so he could go earlier.

Honey if you're already sleeping in until 9:30 on Sunday mornings, you'll get very little sympathy from most of us on this board.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, before you got married, did you share with him how narrow and rigid your viewpoint was about what is a major part of his identity, whether or not he is a practicing Catholic?

Did you tell him before you got married that him doing anything Catholic is the one big non negotiable in your marital relationship?

I doubt you did because I can"t imagine anyone marrying another who would want to have such control over their spiritual life.

Really do consider counseling. It sounds like you have some major personal issues to work through to make your marriage work. You owe it to your husband and kids to try to figure out how to be a good partner to all of your spouses needs, including the spiritual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is what I know from my years of marriage to my DH. He attended Catholic schools, as did his parents and grand-parents and he strongly identifies with the Church culturally. He is of Polish-American heritage, so the Catholicism also plays into his strong sense of Polish - American ethnic identity. He says he strongly believes in what he sees as the Church's social mission - to educate the ignorant, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take care of the sick, etc. He is conflicted about issues like abortion (not birth control though), and can see how there is a human rights argument to be made for protecting the unborn, as well as the aged and sick when it comes to issues like euthanasia. As far as the whole marriage equality thing goes, he has friends who are gay, says gay marriage is a civil not a religious matter and that no one - gay or straight - needs to be married in the Church.

I grew up in a basically atheist family and have no religious upbringing or background. I just don't understand what he would find he needs in the Church. I am able to get along without God.

He sounds pretty cool to me, OP. Just because you are "able to get along without God" doesn't mean he should have to. And if Catholicism is part of his cultural identity, you must understand why it's wrong to try to withhold that from him. He didn't "turn" Catholic, as you put it. He has always been Catholic.

Surely you don't really begrudge him two hours a week on a Sunday, when he has let you sleep until 9:30. Your anger seems disproportionate to the situation. It might be valuable to honestly and nondefensively examine your own issues, whatever they are, that make you feel so threatened by this.

For the poster who said this is grounds for divorce, and the one who suggested marriage counseling: really? Turn that around, friends. If a man wanted to divorce his wife for going to church, or demanded marriage counseling because she went to church, you'd be the first ones to decry him as controlling and wrong.

[Anonymous]

I did this to my husband (became Catholic). And my husband, the atheist, has been wonderful. He completely supports me in my journey. I love the man so much. It is wonderful to be married to somebody who loves me and wants me to be able to have freedom of thought. He just asks that I love and respect him.

[Anonymous]

I turned Catholic on my husband too, and he eventually did RCIA and decided to go Catholic as well. That wasn't my idea, I just support him in general. He started out atheist but he was mainly raised that way and never really thought about it. Once he looked into it, he decided he isn't atheist after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this to my husband (became Catholic). And my husband, the atheist, has been wonderful. He completely supports me in my journey. I love the man so much. It is wonderful to be married to somebody who loves me and wants me to be able to have freedom of thought. He just asks that I love and respect him.

Same here. My husband was raised in a religion that specifically taught children the teachings of the Catholic Church and explained why Catholics are wrong/ evil. He no longer follows that church - nor the Catholic church, even though I do. but he respects the need for spirituality and that there are different paths to get there. I honestly respect that and know in his heart his is a deeply spiritual man just in a different way and don't force it down his throat. I pray for you OP that you and your husband can experience the same kind of mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is not imposing his need for spiritual life on his DW. It is the same as if he chose to go to the gym on Sunday morning. I don't understand why OP and some of the other PPs think this is such a big deal.

Because they are intolerant, controlling and close-minded and cannot abide that anybody should be different from them. Their way or the highway. They are Right and Elect and everybody else is Wrong and damned. Yeah they are secular, but they are still acting like Puritan fanatics.

[Anonymous]

Okay, here's a tip for folks out there - atheists and people if any religious background should probably not marry.

Here's a tip from me: most atheists ARE people with religious backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why don't you and the kids go with dh to church, before you decide it's so horrible??? At least try it.

Instead, go with DH to mass on a Saturday evening, keep the kids at home, get a sitter, go to dinner afterward and discuss your concerns between the two of you. Catholicism is a big, big commitment, and a lot of work, which is one of the reasons that I left.

I wouldn't say that it is a big commitment and a lot of work. I'm no longer Catholic but when I was I just went when I felt like it.

+1. You people are hilarious. The church doesn't threaten or harass you if you don't come to Mass.

But, if you don't go to mass and follow Catholic tenents then the church doesn't consider you Catholic and you're not allowed to fully participate. I don't get why people think they're Catholic if they don't follow the teachings of the church.

You aren't Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is not imposing his need for spiritual life on his DW. It is the same as if he chose to go to the gym on Sunday morning. I don't understand why OP and some of the other PPs think this is such a big deal.

Because they are intolerant, controlling and close-minded and cannot abide that anybody should be different from them. Their way or the highway. They are Right and Elect and everybody else is Wrong and damned. Yeah they are secular, but they are still acting like Puritan fanatics.

Um, don't you see that you are describing yourself?

And FYI saying Catholics act like Puritan fanatics is ignorant and historically inaccurate.