Husband Turned Catholic on Me

[Anonymous]

The pope is very progressive but you can't ignore the bible when it comes to specific issues like gays, abortions. You can still lead a Christian life and not promote homosexuality or abortions. You love the person not the behavior. Just like when little Johnny smacks his sister because she took his transformer, you still love him but you teach him what he did was wrong. Only god can pass judgement not man or woman.

[Anonymous]

I'm not particularly religious nor is DH but during pre-marital counseling I asked the question what if one day I want to head back to church or expose the children to religion. With my parents my mom returned to faith after her father passed away and I did feel it caused a rift in the family between us and likely contributed to the issues with my dad. For me though I felt she wanted to convert everyone so every conversation seemed to circle back to Jesus and she wanted us kids to go to church too. So anyway, my DH pointed to married relatives where one spouse was more into going to religious services than the other, but the husband would go in support of his wife. for me it was nice to know I wasn't giving up any future claim to returning to religion by marrying DH.

First, is he doing something he swore he would never do by returnung to church and if so have you talked about why? Or was that always out there, you knew he was raised Catholic, but never discussed pre-marriage as a possibility? Are you angry because you married someone raised in the Catholic faith that is retuning to that faith and you hate the religion? If that is the source if anger and you are basically ultimatum, either church or me, I'm thinking counseling, not in that he has done anything wrong, but if you can't figure out how to adjust to this new reality you may be headed for divorce.

If your anger is the change in the routine, a Sunday family time etc, easy answers for that. You can have him bring the kids, you can go also in a show of support, Catholic Church has lots of mass options so maybe you can agree on a different time for him to go. Since you said DH is not pushing religion on you and this isn't some strange leap like he joined a totally different religion from his upbringing, it's more about your reaction than his actions. Figure out the real reason you are upset, give yourself time to be calm, and then address it.

[Anonymous]

Catholics love families and children. There could be Sunday school options that the kids go to while you and your husband go to mass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Sounds like you need a good therapist/counselor to help you and husband walk through this. There are strong feelings and mixed emotions. You would benefit from having a third, neutral party help navigate this minefield.

Tell your husband to want to see a counselor to help talk this through. You want to better understand where he's coming from and what this means for your family. Tell him that you have a lot of feelings and questions and feel it would be more productive to have someone facilitate that discussion.

By ignore PP, I meant 9:28

Why? Because I was mocking the first PP's asinine response?

She meant 9:26.

Thank you. I did. Sorry 9:28. I got what you were saying. I misstyped.

[Anonymous]

This is really selfish of you OP. Why cant you be supportive of his spiritual needs? You sound really controlling, close minded and not at all like a partner to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not particularly religious nor is DH but during pre-marital counseling I asked the question what if one day I want to head back to church or expose the children to religion. With my parents my mom returned to faith after her father passed away and I did feel it caused a rift in the family between us and likely contributed to the issues with my dad. For me though I felt she wanted to convert everyone so every conversation seemed to circle back to Jesus and she wanted us kids to go to church too. So anyway, my DH pointed to married relatives where one spouse was more into going to religious services than the other, but the husband would go in support of his wife. for me it was nice to know I wasn't giving up any future claim to returning to religion by marrying DH.

First, is he doing something he swore he would never do by returnung to church and if so have you talked about why? Or was that always out there, you knew he was raised Catholic, but never discussed pre-marriage as a possibility? Are you angry because you married someone raised in the Catholic faith that is retuning to that faith and you hate the religion? If that is the source if anger and you are basically ultimatum, either church or me, I'm thinking counseling, not in that he has done anything wrong, but if you can't figure out how to adjust to this new reality you may be headed for divorce.

If your anger is the change in the routine, a Sunday family time etc, easy answers for that. You can have him bring the kids, you can go also in a show of support, Catholic Church has lots of mass options so maybe you can agree on a different time for him to go. Since you said DH is not pushing religion on you and this isn't some strange leap like he joined a totally different religion from his upbringing, it's more about your reaction than his actions. Figure out the real reason you are upset, give yourself time to be calm, and then address it.

This is a wise post. OP, you should dig deeper into why this is bothering you so much. Understanding this will help guide how you choose to address it with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Take him to a Lutheran service esp the more liberal synods. Same liturgy but none of the dogma you object to- birth control women ministers etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really selfish of you OP. Why cant you be supportive of his spiritual needs? You sound really controlling, close minded and not at all like a partner to your spouse.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Sounds like you need a good therapist/counselor to help you and husband walk through this. There are strong feelings and mixed emotions. You would benefit from having a third, neutral party help navigate this minefield.

Tell your husband to want to see a counselor to help talk this through. You want to better understand where he's coming from and what this means for your family. Tell him that you have a lot of feelings and questions and feel it would be more productive to have someone facilitate that discussion.

By ignore PP, I meant 9:28

Why? Because I was mocking the first PP's asinine response?

She meant 9:26.

Thank you. I did. Sorry 9:28. I got what you were saying. I misstyped.

Yay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to a Lutheran service esp the more liberal synods. Same liturgy but none of the dogma you object to- birth control women ministers etc.

Lutherans don't do the saints in the same way, they don't venerate Mary and they don't believe in transubstantiation. These are all quite major doctrine in the Catholic faith.

While similar in the superficial aspects and ceremonial features, Lutheran and Catholic are very different faiths.

If her husband is going back to the church because he has a calling to believe, just going to a church with similar ceremony but different doctrine and faith is not going to do the trick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Sounds like you need a good therapist/counselor to help you and husband walk through this. There are strong feelings and mixed emotions. You would benefit from having a third, neutral party help navigate this minefield.

Tell your husband to want to see a counselor to help talk this through. You want to better understand where he's coming from and what this means for your family. Tell him that you have a lot of feelings and questions and feel it would be more productive to have someone facilitate that discussion.

Seriously????? He's coming back to the Church and finding his Faith. It's not like he's having an extramarrital affair or having addiction problems which do warrant therapy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Sounds like you need a good therapist/counselor to help you and husband walk through this. There are strong feelings and mixed emotions. You would benefit from having a third, neutral party help navigate this minefield.

Tell your husband to want to see a counselor to help talk this through. You want to better understand where he's coming from and what this means for your family. Tell him that you have a lot of feelings and questions and feel it would be more productive to have someone facilitate that discussion.

Seriously????? He's coming back to the Church and finding his Faith. It's not like he's having an extramarrital affair or having addiction problems which do warrant therapy!

EXACTLY!!!! He's going to church' not a massage parlor! Learn to pick your battles better. Much better.

[Anonymous]

You can not resent him for his particular choice of church (drop it) You don't get to decide.

I'm sorry he leaves you on Sunday mornings. I get it. But these things ebb and flow over time.

If you're this uptight about what needs to get done on Sunday mornings, maybe you made it too uptight and stressful to be home - he's rather run away.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't exactly address your issue, but fyi I'm Catholic and my DH is Episcopalian and the E service is very very similar to Catholic. And it's "Catholic-light" in that they are accepting of gay relationships and women priests and married priests. (Catholic dogma is accepting of being gay, not acting on it, however; most Catholics I know are accepting of gay relationships)

That being said, the E services I've attended are longer and a bit dry. Also the kids are put in Sunday school, which makes it easy to hear the service, but separates the family.

Now to your point--I would have an issue that he wants to do the 11am mass. This really cuts into the day.

I think there are a number of issues that are all bundled into this and I'm not sure which is the most irritating for you. I always think it's good to start negotiations with the easiest issue first, so you both feel like you are making progress. I think the mass time is the easiest because it's not involving philosophy, just scheduling. I bet he likes a particular priest's mass. You can find out when that priest is speaking by checking the mass schedule. Perhaps that priest also does a Saturday 5pm mass. Or the 8am Sunday mass. Or the 5pm Sunday mass.

Or maybe he can commit to going every other weekend, so you still can feel like you get one day as an uninterrupted Sunday. Or he goes every week but alternates Saturday night and Sunday morning.

I'm not sure about the RCIA idea. We go to Catholic mass and the RCIA classes were pitched as not only for those who wanted to convert, but also for those who were married to a Catholic and wanted to understand the religion. So my DH went to the first class in September and came back saying it was really for those committed to convert by Easter.

I am positive that the priest, if he knew it was causing such marital strife, would want your DH to address this issue. Maybe you can go with your DH and talk to the priest. OP, if you get the priest on your side, it's going to be hard for your DH to say, insist on the 11am mass.

[Anonymous]

I'd meet with a divorce lawyer, to be honest. There's no space for oppressive religions in our marriage.