Reply to I'm thirty and worried about my future.

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[quote=Anonymous]OP writing. How could I let this happen? Sometimes people are just doing the best they can with what they have been handed. There are no perfect people and we all have problems and make many mistakes.

This is my attitude now as much as possible. But as someone who has suffered from low self-esteem, trust me when I say I beat myself up unfairly and mercilessly about things that go wrong, including this problem. I am attempting to be gentle with myself and explore what is best for ME. Unfortunately, the hand the I was dealt did not include emotional support growing up. I was fed and clothed and outwardly had a loving family, but no one asked or cared how I felt about anything and I was trained to always put my needs and feelings last. My childhood lessons were: never complain, never ask for anything, give your younger brother his way because he doesn't know any better, be beautiful, get flawless grades, be social, and be perfect so we (parents) look good. Those were the things that were praised. I was not praised just for being myself, in fact, I was punished for being myself: a thoughtful, shy, intellectual girl who just wanted to be loved and to spend time with her parents and have them care about her. I was molded into what everyone else thought I should be. As a teenager when I tried to push back I was punished mightily for not being compliant. My mother still talks about what a horrible teen I was when in fact I was normal and just sick of their crap.

From that perspective, it's no wonder that I have the problems I do. I'm doing what I can now to remedy the results of those facts. Thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging comments folks have written, I have read all of them thankfully. [/quote]

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