Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:44 Such contributions are common in some AA communities, as at least one other poster mentioned. I live in a diverse building, and on four separate occasions there's been a collection. We sign a card and give what we can. (No rules! No expectations!)

Separately, I cannot believe some of the posts in this thread. They reinforce some unfortunate stereotypes.

I sadly agree. They do.

Well let me assure you that these greedy money grubbers would be this way if they weren't Jewish. Their greed has nothing to do with their religion. There are plenty of non Jewish money grubbers. Don't be an anti Semite. It doesn't become you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

Maybe if it was an uncle or an adult. How much can you possibly expect from your childs peers. The parents are not invited, just the kid.

Right. At minimum, $36. I am not sure you're grasping how huge of an event this is in a teenager's life.

Or how much of your costs you are counting on recouping. Gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

So, no one else but Jews open bank accounts or save money? Really?

Not at ALL what was said. Not even close.

People give money for funerals? Never heard that before.

Yeah. In non-jewish religions.

That's inaccurate. It is the custom in some communities, but it has nothing to do with religion.

[Anonymous]

I would think it has more to do with providing financial support if the family needs it regardless of religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the suggestions. I think Im just going to have him give a $36 check with a card. And I'll buy him a new suit. Hopefully this will all be perfectly acceptable.

We are Christian, but we have attended many Bat/Bar Mitzvahs for the friends of our children and children of our friends and colleagues. We usually gave checks, but sometimes gave gift cards or, for girls, jewelry. The monetary value of the gift varied, depending on how well we knew the child and the family -- for a close friend and a ceremony/party where our entire family was invited we usually gave a gift of higher value. I think the gift you're suggesting is entirely appropriate.

I'd guess that many/most of the boys who are not Jewish will not wear suits; instead, they'll wear a blazer or just a dress shirt and slacks. When you get closer to the date, many host families will send a letter with logistical details, and in some cases, guidance for non-Jewish guests regarding the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- I forgot to add that it's a good idea to stress to your child that this is a religious ceremony and that his/her friend has worked very hard to prepare for this event. Tell your son that the ceremony is pretty long and that kids will get up to go out in the hall or to the bathroom throughout the ceremony. As you can imagine, this can become disruptive; our rule was "you can get up once, quietly, then come back and don't go out again." Some rabbis actually come talk to the kids before the ceremony begins to reinforce these messages. I love this -- it certainly put the fear of God into our church-going children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

Absolutely true if you are an Italian New Jersey family and paying for a wedding. Mama writes down how much cash each family gives so they can reciprocate when the next wedding rolls around. I had the sad task of telling a New Jersey friend who was counting on a money bag to pay for wedding costs that things like that don't happen in D.C. Don't you remember the wedding scene in GoodFellas? She was carrying a money bag. Or something cash is pinned to her dress or veil.

Right, every Italian family in New Jersey lives just like the movie GoodFellas. Similarly, every Jewish family in New Jersey lives just like the movie Goodbye Columbus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- I forgot to add that it's a good idea to stress to your child that this is a religious ceremony and that his/her friend has worked very hard to prepare for this event. Tell your son that the ceremony is pretty long and that kids will get up to go out in the hall or to the bathroom throughout the ceremony. As you can imagine, this can become disruptive; our rule was "you can get up once, quietly, then come back and don't go out again." Some rabbis actually come talk to the kids before the ceremony begins to reinforce these messages. I love this -- it certainly put the fear of God into our church-going children.

OP here, thanks for your response, it is very helpful! My son and the boy are not super close, they used to be when they were younger. Now they play on a sporting team together but other than that dont see or talk to each other. But they still consider themselves friends so my son is looking forward to attending.

I'd love to hear more about the ceremony, what exactly will happen. Also, what type of prepping has gone into this? Several people have mentioned that the boy has worked very hard leading up to this ceremony.

Oh and thanks for the info about the kids getting up and going to the bathroom, I'll make sure I tell my son this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- I forgot to add that it's a good idea to stress to your child that this is a religious ceremony and that his/her friend has worked very hard to prepare for this event. Tell your son that the ceremony is pretty long and that kids will get up to go out in the hall or to the bathroom throughout the ceremony. As you can imagine, this can become disruptive; our rule was "you can get up once, quietly, then come back and don't go out again." Some rabbis actually come talk to the kids before the ceremony begins to reinforce these messages. I love this -- it certainly put the fear of God into our church-going children.

OP here, thanks for your response, it is very helpful! My son and the boy are not super close, they used to be when they were younger. Now they play on a sporting team together but other than that dont see or talk to each other. But they still consider themselves friends so my son is looking forward to attending.

I'd love to hear more about the ceremony, what exactly will happen. Also, what type of prepping has gone into this? Several people have mentioned that the boy has worked very hard leading up to this ceremony.

Oh and thanks for the info about the kids getting up and going to the bathroom, I'll make sure I tell my son this.

Shabbat morning services have 3 parts but they all flow together. There is morning service, the Torah service, and afternoon service. The most important part for the bar mitzvah is the torah service. This is the first time that the young man will be allowed to read from the torah. The torah is in hebrew but without any vowels. It is chanted in what is called trope. Learning trope takes months. You just have to learn the inflections, the pauses, the ups and the downs of the chat. Since there are not hints in the torah scroll, you really can't "read" it. Then the bar mitzvah will present his d'var torah. This is his interpretation of what is important about the passage he has just chanted. And then it's over. The reason it's such a big deal is that now the bar/bat mitzvah is considered an adult in the community and they now have the right (and hopefully the ability) to lead the congregation in prayer on shabbat and they count in a minyan--a quorum for prayer.

About going to the bathroom--the congregation will stand when the arc is open. The arc is where the torah is kept. When the congregation stands as a sign of respect for the torah, it is not time to turn your back and exit for the bathroom. Bathroom breaks occur when every one is sitting down but not during the rabbi's sermon either. From start to finish is about 3-3.5 hrs. But the morning service is about 30 min so if you show up for the torah service, that's fine and you are not considered late.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Good to know. The invite is for 4pm. So is 4pm when the "morning" service starts or do you think my son has been invited for the Torah service? If that is even possible, since it all kinda flows together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- I forgot to add that it's a good idea to stress to your child that this is a religious ceremony and that his/her friend has worked very hard to prepare for this event. Tell your son that the ceremony is pretty long and that kids will get up to go out in the hall or to the bathroom throughout the ceremony. As you can imagine, this can become disruptive; our rule was "you can get up once, quietly, then come back and don't go out again." Some rabbis actually come talk to the kids before the ceremony begins to reinforce these messages. I love this -- it certainly put the fear of God into our church-going children.

OP here, thanks for your response, it is very helpful! My son and the boy are not super close, they used to be when they were younger. Now they play on a sporting team together but other than that dont see or talk to each other. But they still consider themselves friends so my son is looking forward to attending.

I'd love to hear more about the ceremony, what exactly will happen. Also, what type of prepping has gone into this? Several people have mentioned that the boy has worked very hard leading up to this ceremony.

Oh and thanks for the info about the kids getting up and going to the bathroom, I'll make sure I tell my son this.

I'm Jewish, here's some of how it'll go and what's gone into it:
The child has probably been in hebrew school since around 1st or 2nd grade. For my kids, it was 2 hours every Sunday morning and then beginning in 2nd grade twice a week, from 4-6:30 until they graduate from Hebrew School (around 8th grade). Part of being able to graduate from Hebrew School is attending Shabbot services on Friday nights. I think they needed 25 credits per school year. In our family, we make Hebrew High School optional (it's also after public school, and in addition to rather than instead of.) About 4-6 months before the Bat Mitzvah the child starts meeting with a cantor for an hour each week. They learn all the prayers they'll have to lead at the Friday night Shabbot service as well as the ones they'll have to lead at the Saturday morning service. Plus the haf-torah which is the portion of the torah they'll read from. My favorite prayers are the ones said right before opening the ark (where the torahs are kept) that involve the congregation responding in prayer - it's a little back and forth that seems cool to me. Taking the torah out of the ark and reading from it is a VERY big deal. It's a HUGE honor to be invited up to the beama (stage) to read from the torah (it's called an aleah). The child also has to prepare a speech - in our temple it's about the torah portion they read (so they can't just know how to read Hebrew, but also how to translate into English and comprehend what was written), what this rite of passage into adulthood means to them, and then the Oscar acceptance speech, where they thank whoever they want to thank. The Saturday morning service at our temple when a child is being bar or bat mitzvah'd lasts about an hour and a half.

In our family/friends circle, at the reception the kids also prepare something for the cake-lighting ceremony. My kids did rap songs which they wrote themselves. That's more fun than hard, but it's still prep time. My daughter's bat mitzvah had 172 people. Can you imagine how long it took to write all those thank you notes?!

Anyway, hopefully that gives you an idea of what goes into the day.

[Anonymous]

Shabbat morning services have 3 parts but they all flow together. There is morning service, the Torah service, and afternoon service. The most important part for the bar mitzvah is the torah service. This is the first time that the young man will be allowed to read from the torah. The torah is in hebrew but without any vowels. It is chanted in what is called trope. Learning trope takes months. You just have to learn the inflections, the pauses, the ups and the downs of the chat. Since there are not hints in the torah scroll, you really can't "read" it. Then the bar mitzvah will present his d'var torah. This is his interpretation of what is important about the passage he has just chanted. And then it's over. The reason it's such a big deal is that now the bar/bat mitzvah is considered an adult in the community and they now have the right (and hopefully the ability) to lead the congregation in prayer on shabbat and they count in a minyan--a quorum for prayer.

About going to the bathroom--the congregation will stand when the arc is open. The arc is where the torah is kept. When the congregation stands as a sign of respect for the torah, it is not time to turn your back and exit for the bathroom. Bathroom breaks occur when every one is sitting down but not during the rabbi's sermon either. From start to finish is about 3-3.5 hrs. But the morning service is about 30 min so if you show up for the torah service, that's fine and you are not considered late.

Whoa! Are your Orthodox, or ...? We're Conservative Jews and the Saturday morning services do NOT last three hours! Mayyyyybe 2 hours, but that's at the long end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Good to know. The invite is for 4pm. So is 4pm when the "morning" service starts or do you think my son has been invited for the Torah service? If that is even possible, since it all kinda flows together.

4pm? Services usually start around 9:30am and the Torah service usually starts at 10 or 10:15. I have no idea what is at 4pm. Is it at the synagogue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Shabbat morning services have 3 parts but they all flow together. There is morning service, the Torah service, and afternoon service. The most important part for the bar mitzvah is the torah service. This is the first time that the young man will be allowed to read from the torah. The torah is in hebrew but without any vowels. It is chanted in what is called trope. Learning trope takes months. You just have to learn the inflections, the pauses, the ups and the downs of the chat. Since there are not hints in the torah scroll, you really can't "read" it. Then the bar mitzvah will present his d'var torah. This is his interpretation of what is important about the passage he has just chanted. And then it's over. The reason it's such a big deal is that now the bar/bat mitzvah is considered an adult in the community and they now have the right (and hopefully the ability) to lead the congregation in prayer on shabbat and they count in a minyan--a quorum for prayer.

About going to the bathroom--the congregation will stand when the arc is open. The arc is where the torah is kept. When the congregation stands as a sign of respect for the torah, it is not time to turn your back and exit for the bathroom. Bathroom breaks occur when every one is sitting down but not during the rabbi's sermon either. From start to finish is about 3-3.5 hrs. But the morning service is about 30 min so if you show up for the torah service, that's fine and you are not considered late.

Whoa! Are your Orthodox, or ...? We're Conservative Jews and the Saturday morning services do NOT last three hours! Mayyyyybe 2 hours, but that's at the long end.

Conservative. We start at 9:30 and finish by 12:30 or 1 if there is a lot going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Shabbat morning services have 3 parts but they all flow together. There is morning service, the Torah service, and afternoon service. The most important part for the bar mitzvah is the torah service. This is the first time that the young man will be allowed to read from the torah. The torah is in hebrew but without any vowels. It is chanted in what is called trope. Learning trope takes months. You just have to learn the inflections, the pauses, the ups and the downs of the chat. Since there are not hints in the torah scroll, you really can't "read" it. Then the bar mitzvah will present his d'var torah. This is his interpretation of what is important about the passage he has just chanted. And then it's over. The reason it's such a big deal is that now the bar/bat mitzvah is considered an adult in the community and they now have the right (and hopefully the ability) to lead the congregation in prayer on shabbat and they count in a minyan--a quorum for prayer.

About going to the bathroom--the congregation will stand when the arc is open. The arc is where the torah is kept. When the congregation stands as a sign of respect for the torah, it is not time to turn your back and exit for the bathroom. Bathroom breaks occur when every one is sitting down but not during the rabbi's sermon either. From start to finish is about 3-3.5 hrs. But the morning service is about 30 min so if you show up for the torah service, that's fine and you are not considered late.

Whoa! Are your Orthodox, or ...? We're Conservative Jews and the Saturday morning services do NOT last three hours! Mayyyyybe 2 hours, but that's at the long end.



Depending on the Shul, many Conservative services are three hours long. You are supposed to know that you need not show up on time. Orthodox services are always that long and the men and women sit separately. In the Conservative Shuls that I've gone, women wear a headcovering of some sort, especially if they are going up to say a prayer for the dead. I wear a scarf on my head. Some women use lace doilies, much like a yamulke and hold it in place with a bobby pin.