Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old son has been invited to his friends Bar Mitzvah. I have no experience with these. What kind of gift is appropriate? Is there anything I should let my son know, like what to expect, proper etiqutte, etc?
Should he dress up and if so how dressy? Does he needs slacks and a button up or would khakis and a polo shirt be OK?

Also, the invite gives a location and then gives another location for the reception that is to follow. Should I assume that transportation to the reception is being taken care of by the parents of the boy? I'm assuming there will be other friends of his attending like my son, without their parents.

Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old son has been invited to his friends Bar Mitzvah. I have no experience with these. What kind of gift is appropriate? Is there anything I should let my son know, like what to expect, proper etiqutte, etc?
Should he dress up and if so how dressy? Does he needs slacks and a button up or would khakis and a polo shirt be OK?

Also, the invite gives a location and then gives another location for the reception that is to follow. Should I assume that transportation to the reception is being taken care of by the parents of the boy? I'm assuming there will be other friends of his attending like my son, without their parents.

Thanks in advance!

Gift: multiples of $18 is appropriate. $36 (in the form of a check) is just fine. Do not buy a football or Amazon gift card. This is money that will go towards college or a car or something big and adult in the future. The child will not be spending the money now. 18 is a significant number in the Jewish religion. Your son can give the card (with the check inside) either to his friend or his friend's parent, but should not just toss it on a table - that's how gifts get lost.
Proper etiquette: Tell your son that he should follow the lead of others who seem to know what they're doing and not the lead of his class clown friend, and he'll be fine. All the usual party stuff applies - he should thank the parents for inviting him, but he should also say, "Mazel tov " to the bar mitzvah boy (it means congratulations in Hebrew).
Transportation: No, you should NOT assume transportation is being taken care of - you should call the mom and ask if it is or if she needs help car-pooling. Generally relatives of the bar mitzvah child will be happy to take random friends who don't have a ride, but it's rude to count on that.
Dress code: He should wear slacks and a button-up. For me, even that wouldn't be appropriate and dressy enough. When my son walks into a temple, he wears a suit. He can take off the jacket and tie at the reception if he wants, but must be respectful in a House of Worship of any kind. Consider that the bar mitzvah boy will be in a suit.

[Anonymous]

$18 is just fine, too. My son got invited to 12 - 14 Bar/Bat Mitzvah's. It adds up.

[Anonymous]

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

[Anonymous]

As to gift, feel free to get the bar mitzvah boy anything you would buy a 13 yo boy. It should be niceish but doesn't need to be extravagant. Cash is also acceptable. As to dress, slacks, button up and jacket are frequently worn but not necessary. If your son doesn't have a button up shirt and jacket, a polo will be fine. In terms of etiquette, he is attending a religious service. He should be quiet and respectful. As to the transport, I would not assume that transportation to the second event is included. It may or may not be. Verify that one. If it isn't included, people often carpool.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Well if I ask my son he's going to want to buy him a video game. That just doesent seem appropriate though.

12:07 - how much do you recommend if $18 is too cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

Money doesn't need to be in the form of a check. I usually give cash because I don't know if the child has a bank account etc. Just easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

Cash would not be appropriate, plus the parents would rather you give a check so that they know the cash won't be palmed by their child.

I have 4 children, 3 of whom have had their bar or bat mitzvahs. The smallest denomination any was given was $36, but most almost all gave $54, or $50 from the non-Jews who didn't know about the 18 thing.

[Anonymous]

Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

Money doesn't need to be in the form of a check. I usually give cash because I don't know if the child has a bank account etc. Just easier.

Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

Money doesn't need to be in the form of a check. I usually give cash because I don't know if the child has a bank account etc. Just easier.

The bank account will be opened before the bat/bar mitzvah if it doesn't already exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP! So glad I asked, I didn't know any of this.

I should be able to get him a suit before the ceremony. He needs a new one anyway, I'm sure the one he has is too small.

Does the money need to be in the form of a check? Would cash not be acceptable? How about a money order or cashiers check?

Money doesn't need to be in the form of a check. I usually give cash because I don't know if the child has a bank account etc. Just easier.

Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

Um, thanks for these tips but we're Jewish and cash/check/present is fine in our (perhaps more humble) neck of the woods.

[Anonymous]

The issue with cash is that if it becomes separated from the card how will you know who gave it?