Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I don't see how any gift could be an insult, and this is coming from a rare NW DC middle income mom making some painful sacrifices to plan her DD's "less expensive" bat mitzvah next month. There's no way the magnitude of the gift is any reflection of the giver's assessment of the bnei mitzvah kid's preparation or even the importance of the friendship.

Money is indeed the traditional gift, though I don't see why this needs to continue, necessarily, and token amounts are fine. It's nice to show you're in the know about the multiples of 18 tradition, but don't feel you need to add extra 18s. After all, you're not reimbursing the parents for the party, you're just offering the kid a little treat.

[Anonymous]

So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

[Anonymous]

I don't think that most people believe that a child giving a gift to another child is 'cheap' if they give a small monetary gift. At least I hope not. Any gift my children received from their friends for their celebrations were much appreciated - they received lovely gifts in all price points. If I 'only' had $18 to spend, though, I wouldn't give money, I would buy a gift. Things work differently for both weddings and bar/bat mitzvah's in other parts of the country. In the NYC area, for instance, the gift giving is definitely more elaborate and my mother is often shocked when I tell her what people around here give.

[Anonymous]

The money is suppose to go into a college fund. Is that in the Torah?

[Anonymous]

I'm Jewish and this thread is embarrassing. OP, your solution sounds more than generous. Have your child dress up nicely to show respect to the event and to his friend. A check for $18 is more than enough for one 13 year old to give to another. I would give more than this to a close family member or the child of a close friend, but that is when the money is coming from me - an adult. When the gift is coming from a child to another child, it is more of a gesture and a thank you for being invited and included in a special day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

The whole party aspect of this religious coming of age has turned into a joke. At least here in the U.S. That is what I mean. The Torah teaches us to give back to our community and those less fortunate than ourselves. A child from Potomac who's parents are throwing him/her a lavish event does not exactly fit the bill of needing a college fund. Instead of spending money to feed and entertain all the party goers, maybe the parents should put that money into a college fund. Not spend thousands of dollars to keep up with the Cohens. I'm not saying don't have a party, but a child should appreciate what they have and what they recieve. Be it one dollar or a hundred. Don't expect it, but be grateful for when it comes to you.

[Anonymous]

NP here, jewish, been to dozens of bar/bat mitzvahs, and had my own. The truth is that Kids are not inviting friends for the presents and neither are their parents. They want their child's friends to be there to celebrate and have fun. There is no right or wrong gift, oand monetary gifts do not have to be in of increments of18. Dress you child nicely as if going to a fancy dinner out, and let him bring a gift he thinks his friend will enjoy or a gift card to a store he will enjoy. Just have fun! These people are over the top and ignore them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

I disagree. Give the boy AT LEAST $50 or $100 for goodness sakes - his parents probably spent $25,000 to $100,000+ for this thing. It's a big deal.

Exactly. In check or savings bonds. Whether you like it or not, that is what is expected. Not a toy or stuffed animal. And it is also expected that the money will go into a college fund (no it's not in the Torah). Expectations do vary from locale to locale. For Miami relatives who put on huge production bat and bat mitzvahs, a large cash amount is expected because in that culture the bar mitzvahs are enormous events that took two years to plan and because we are relatives. In NYC where the party was held at Windows on the World (one of the towers), I did several hundred dollars in savings bonds in the young man's name. For a recent VA bar mitzvah for very close friends, we gave a check @ $350 in multiples of 18. But these were very close friends of us, the parents, not the child. And when our child's weddings come around, we know they will do the same for us. These events are very important events for these young men and women.

Our son attended a private school in an Eruv in Potomac. We are not Jewish, but many of the kids in his class were and we just happened to be at that school when all the bar and bat mitzvahs rolled through (@ age 12/13). He must have been invited to 20 bar/bat mitzvahs. Some were incredibly elaborate and expensive with enormous ballrooms, orchestras and parties that went on past midnight (I know - I had to drive to pick him up). Some were Conservative. Two were Orthodox bar mitzvahs. We even received "save the date" mailed announcements with the kids' photograph on the STD (not from the orthodox families). Generally, our rule was if our son didn't want to sit through the religious part of the ceremony in the morning then he couldn't go to the party later. In other words, we were emphasizing the religious coming-of-age aspect to the event. And we had to pick and choose because there were just too many mitzvahs. But for those he attended, where we didn't know the parents, we would send a check of about $90 to $128. Flame away, but them's the rules.

[Anonymous]

I love you, 19:52.

19:57 No, those are not the rules. That's your take. Tedious!

[Anonymous]

19:57, thems not the rules.

[Anonymous]

Another fan of 19:52! Actually, I would could never really be comfortable accepting hundreds of dollars from our friends. I am not sure how I would handle that. I hope some of these children are encouraged to make donations with they are really receiving thousands of dollars.

[Anonymous]

Back to the previous posters claim that Christians fundraise for funerals. White Protestants do not do this unless they are really really poor. African-Americans sometimes do this more, but not They r middle or upper-class. In other words, no family that has enough funds to throw a lavish party for 13-year-old raises money to pay for funeral.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 20:14. I do not like excessively generous gifts. They feel ostentatious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

You have misplaced values if $18 is an insult. Your son should be happy that he gets anything. A Bar Mitzvah is not all about the gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

This is outrageous and wrong. You do not go to a party that you are invited to and have to cover any costs. Are you from New York? A gift is nice to bring but should not be expected.