Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the previous posters claim that Christians fundraise for funerals. White Protestants do not do this unless they are really really poor. African-Americans sometimes do this more, but not They r middle or upper-class. In other words, no family that has enough funds to throw a lavish party for 13-year-old raises money to pay for funeral.

WTF? I'm AA and have never once given or received money at a funeral. You don't know what you're talking about.

And are you saying we're not middle/upper class?

No, that's not what I meant. There's a typo n my sentence. I meant that I never heard of middle or upper-class African-Americans raising money for funeral. I have seen poorer African-Americans raise money for funerals, however. But I do not think it is common practice.

Well then it's a class/poor thing, not an AA thing so not sure why you needed to attribute it to AAs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Then you should turn down the invitation if you felt this way. This is an important rite-of-passage. It's not like a birthday party. A lot of family time and prep goes into it.

Pp,-You are very misguided. I sincerely hope it is only you posting these horrible posts with misplaced values. I find it hard to believe that a family would not want a family member or friend to attend their child's bar or bat mitzvah if a guest doesn't give the"right"amount of money for a gift. That is ludicrous. Are you from New York. The only people I know who espouse this garbage are from New York. I feel sorry for your children that they are receiving such a negative and inappropriate message about Jewish life and values from their own mother. Your posts make me sick. You, quite frankly are an embarrassment to ask Jews.

I am not misguided. I know what I am talking about. And I am most definitely not a single author of these "horrible posts with misplaced values". I am trying to explain to OP how important this event is - that a lot of family planning, teaching, and expensive party planning has gone into both the religious part of the Bar Mizvah and the party events. If you are saying that I am misguided about the amount the check should be for a child going to bar/bath mitzbah then Google Bar Mitzvah money and Google changes it to "Bar Mitzvah gift money calculator" And many many links pop up.

[Anonymous]

But the parents are not invited. A child cannot "fundraise" from his peers. A family that does not have money will not go into unreasonable expenses. Even if it is a lavish party, a kid cannot be expected to give more than he is able to someone wealthy

[Anonymous]

The significance of the event has nothing to do with the gift. Like Christmas, Bar/Bat Mitzvah's have gotten out of hand in the US. In Israel they are much less elaborate yet the significance still remains the same.

[Anonymous]

I sure wish I knew all of this crap before marrying DH. I had no problem with him being a different religion because I am not religious and neither is he. What I didn't bargain for is all of the cultural B.S.

My grandmother would say all this talk of money is so vulgar. She is surely turning in her grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Then you should turn down the invitation if you felt this way. This is an important rite-of-passage. It's not like a birthday party. A lot of family time and prep goes into it.

Pp,-You are very misguided. I sincerely hope it is only you posting these horrible posts with misplaced values. I find it hard to believe that a family would not want a family member or friend to attend their child's bar or bat mitzvah if a guest doesn't give the"right"amount of money for a gift. That is ludicrous. Are you from New York. The only people I know who espouse this garbage are from New York. I feel sorry for your children that they are receiving such a negative and inappropriate message about Jewish life and values from their own mother. Your posts make me sick. You, quite frankly are an embarrassment to ask Jews.

I am not misguided. I know what I am talking about. And I am most definitely not a single author of these "horrible posts with misplaced values". I am trying to explain to OP how important this event is - that a lot of family planning, teaching, and expensive party planning has gone into both the religious part of the Bar Mizvah and the party events. If you are saying that I am misguided about the amount the check should be for a child going to bar/bath mitzbah then Google Bar Mitzvah money and Google changes it to "Bar Mitzvah gift money calculator" And many many links pop up.

OK, for kicks I just Googled "Bar Mitzvah gift money calculator" and entered in all of the pertinent information we learned from the OP. Based on that, the site calculated a gift of $36.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

Absolutely true if you are an Italian New Jersey family and paying for a wedding. Mama writes down how much cash each family gives so they can reciprocate when the next wedding rolls around. I had the sad task of telling a New Jersey friend who was counting on a money bag to pay for wedding costs that things like that don't happen in D.C. Don't you remember the wedding scene in GoodFellas? She was carrying a money bag. Or something cash is pinned to her dress or veil.

Right, every Italian family in New Jersey lives just like the movie GoodFellas. Similarly, every Jewish family in New Jersey lives just like the movie Goodbye Columbus.

I am right. Educate yourself about italian weddings. Read about the "money bag" in this link, then if you want to know more Google "Italian Wedding Money". http://www.worldweddingtraditions.com/locations/west_europe_traditions/italian_traditions.html. My Italian American friend just assumed people here in D.C. would bring enough cash with them to cover the costs of their dinner and drinks. I had to tell her that wasn't going to happen her. She returned to New Jersey and scaled her wedding way back when she realized not everyone was going to pay enough to recoup their dinner costs.

You do realize, of course, that talking about Italian-Americans as if they're monlithic is provincial at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the take-away here is that guests should more or less "pay" to attend elaborate events?

The world is shit, pure shit

Absolutely true if you are an Italian New Jersey family and paying for a wedding. Mama writes down how much cash each family gives so they can reciprocate when the next wedding rolls around. I had the sad task of telling a New Jersey friend who was counting on a money bag to pay for wedding costs that things like that don't happen in D.C. Don't you remember the wedding scene in GoodFellas? She was carrying a money bag. Or something cash is pinned to her dress or veil.

Right, every Italian family in New Jersey lives just like the movie GoodFellas. Similarly, every Jewish family in New Jersey lives just like the movie Goodbye Columbus.

I am right. Educate yourself about italian weddings. Read about the "money bag" in this link, then if you want to know more Google "Italian Wedding Money". http://www.worldweddingtraditions.com/locations/west_europe_traditions/italian_traditions.html. My Italian American friend just assumed people here in D.C. would bring enough cash with them to cover the costs of their dinner and drinks. I had to tell her that wasn't going to happen her. She returned to New Jersey and scaled her wedding way back when she realized not everyone was going to pay enough to recoup their dinner costs.

You do realize, of course, that talking about Italian-Americans as if they're monlithic is provincial at best.

[Anonymous]

Oops -- sorry about the double post.

So others might have caught on to this already, but the PP who claims that all Italian-American brides have moneybags a la Talia Shire in The Godfather seems to be the same PP who claims you have to give lavish cash Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts. Her evidence for both assertions seems to be that she "Googled it". This is fascinating -- do you make all your life decisions based on what Google turns up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

This is a pretty obnoxious position to take. Yes, this is huge event in the boy's life BUT it is being shared with a very large crowd of people not just the boy's closest friends and family.

Expecting a larger amount of money in return is the same as charging an admissions fee.

Then you should turn down the invitation if you felt this way. This is an important rite-of-passage. It's not like a birthday party. A lot of family time and prep goes into it.

Pp,-You are very misguided. I sincerely hope it is only you posting these horrible posts with misplaced values. I find it hard to believe that a family would not want a family member or friend to attend their child's bar or bat mitzvah if a guest doesn't give the"right"amount of money for a gift. That is ludicrous. Are you from New York. The only people I know who espouse this garbage are from New York. I feel sorry for your children that they are receiving such a negative and inappropriate message about Jewish life and values from their own mother. Your posts make me sick. You, quite frankly are an embarrassment to ask Jews.

I am not misguided. I know what I am talking about. And I am most definitely not a single author of these "horrible posts with misplaced values". I am trying to explain to OP how important this event is - that a lot of family planning, teaching, and expensive party planning has gone into both the religious part of the Bar Mizvah and the party events. If you are saying that I am misguided about the amount the check should be for a child going to bar/bath mitzbah then Google Bar Mitzvah money and Google changes it to "Bar Mitzvah gift money calculator" And many many links pop up.

If Google is guiding your gift giving, you are misguided than I first thought. You are correct that a Bar Mitzvah is an important event, but a Bar Mitzvah without a huge lavish party is just as important as a Bar Mitzvah with a lavish party. The Bar Mitzvah is about the child becoming an adult in Judaism-- not about a party. The party is secondary to the child's achievements and place in the Jewish religion. You are very misguided indeed.

[Anonymous]

When I had my Bar in 1965, I got $ 25 from most people (couples) mostly.except for close relatives and friends who were basically family. From them a bit more. Who knew from chai in those days? My cousin's grandson who I don't really know very well is having an evening dinner dance; probably somewhat dressy if I know her. As a cousin who I was very close to growing up I 'd like to be generous but not showy about it. I will be going with my male spouse who they like very much. Perhaps the inflation rate of 40 years. Ouch! Anybody have any ideas. Thanks
JB

[Anonymous]

I am Jewish. I know it is a special event that involves much prep for the whole family. But when we invite Billy from down the street, I don't expect a donation to his college fund. An itunes gift card is fine..or whatever else he has in common with my son.

[Anonymous]

Grew up in NJ and attended several of these events as a non-Jewish friend. Typically, my parents were not close friends of the child's family. My mother believed as I now do that a child should provide a "regular" birthday gift if the parents are not attending. FWIW, When I had an expensive Sweet Sixteen party my friends did not bring extravagant gifts.

Regular $20 gift/gift card is what your child will receive when my children are invited. Additionally, I informed all my non-Jewish friends to not fall prey to the money trap.

[Anonymous]

ANYTHING is appropriate. Whoever wrote "$18 is cheap" is WRONG. Our kids just appreciated their friends showing up and if they brought a gift it was a huge bonus. It's NOT about the gifts, it's about being surrounded by friends and family on a special day.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully they figured it out by now because the bar mitzvah boy in the OP should be out of high school by now.