Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - it is a MULTIPLIER of $18. Not just $18. If it's family, we would give $640 or so, in check form so you can salvage the situation if lost. If a very close friend, then $270 or break $300. And so on. Ideally, this goes into a college fund so checks are best. Remember the family is laying out thousands of dollars for the event so your cash gift should, at a minimum, cover the cost of your child attending the party, food, etc. Just $18.00 won't cover it. And, yes, checks are best, not gift cards.

Jew here, and I call bullshit. First of all, that's a ludicrous amount of money to give. Second, if the parents want to throw a lavish party, let them. Gifts are NOT meant to recoup that cost - if this were a wedding everyone would be crying Bridezilla. Third, there are 2 different things going on here. First, the kid's parents and relatives are celebrating this important rite of passage, marking his transition to adulthood, yada yada. Second, his parents are throwing him a good party because he has earned it, and they invite his friends because let's face it, a party with your relatives is no party at all when you're 13. His friends, like OP's kid, are there to help celebrate. They dont owe anyone anything except respect.

OP, dress your kid well, tell him to act respectful of the Jewish customs, and send whatever present you are comfortable with - I would go with either $36 or a nice, slightly expensive birthday gift, something you'd get your niece or nephew, $30 ish. You are not responsible for putting this kid through college - if his parents cant afford it they shouldn't be throwing a fancy party when he's 13!

[Anonymous]

You can have a party as nice as you like, with all the bells and whistles you fancy, but do not expect your kid to be able "gift grab" the expenses in full from his friends.
If money is important, you would only be inviting wealthy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify - it is a MULTIPLIER of $18. Not just $18. If it's family, we would give $640 or so, in check form so you can salvage the situation if lost. If a very close friend, then $270 or break $300. And so on. Ideally, this goes into a college fund so checks are best. Remember the family is laying out thousands of dollars for the event so your cash gift should, at a minimum, cover the cost of your child attending the party, food, etc. Just $18.00 won't cover it. And, yes, checks are best, not gift cards.

$640?!?!?! Are you insane? Thank goodness I only have 1 niece and 1 nephew on my DH's side (the Jewish side.) We will probably give $180 to each, but only because we "have to." I don't care how much the family spent on the event. No one forced them. Most are not even observant Jews. If they were, I'd feel differently, but most of the time it's a shameless money/attention grab and the kid CANNOT wait to be done with Hebrew school and the parents won't set foot in the temple again once it's over.

[Anonymous]

I am not jewish but remember 35 years ago attending my friends' bar mitzvahs. I was always formally dressed (jacket/tie) and given an envelope for the bar mitzvah boy. I don't remember how much money was in it but I do remember feeling welcome and appreciated for being there.

I would say do ask the parents about the transportation issue, do dress your child as you would for church, do send a gift and don't keep overthinking this.

This is a good learning experience for your DC and it will be fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

I disagree. Give the boy AT LEAST $50 or $100 for goodness sakes - his parents probably spent $25,000 to $100,000+ for this thing. It's a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

I disagree. Give the boy AT LEAST $50 or $100 for goodness sakes - his parents probably spent $25,000 to $100,000+ for this thing. It's a big deal.

of they are looking to recoup the expense then they should scale down the cost of the event. I wouldn't spend that on a wedding, let alone a child's party. Good grief that's excessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jewish parents set up a bank account well before their child turns 13. Jews save money, and give money as gifts for the living. This is why when someone Jewish says their parent died, you do not give them money. In other religions, money is given to pay for the funeral. Jews are savers, and have no problem paying for funerals because they plan ahead. Don't give cash, OP.

So, no one else but Jews open bank accounts or save money? Really?

Not at ALL what was said. Not even close.

Re-read.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are very considerate to put all of this thought into this. I hope your son enjoys himself at his first Bar mitzvah. I think whatever gift you choose to give will be perfectly acceptable and welcomed. Some people are giving catty responses, but remember this is an anonymous forum. Most people would be thrilled that your child will be there to celebrate their child's accomplishment. It really is not about the gifts/ material things; this is a huge milestone in your child's friend's life and his friend will be happy to have him there on his special day. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

I disagree. Give the boy AT LEAST $50 or $100 for goodness sakes - his parents probably spent $25,000 to $100,000+ for this thing. It's a big deal.

Agree. We always give large checks, unless it is just a friend from school whom we, the parents, don't know. For family, definitely in the $500 range. Very close friends $300. Friend from school $100. But multipliers of 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy the boy a present. Let his relatives and adults give him money. It's inappropriate for his friends to give him money.

Wrong.

I disagree. Give the boy AT LEAST $50 or $100 for goodness sakes - his parents probably spent $25,000 to $100,000+ for this thing. It's a big deal.

of they are looking to recoup the expense then they should scale down the cost of the event. I wouldn't spend that on a wedding, let alone a child's party. Good grief that's excessive.

Yes, in a perfect world. But by the time your kid gets the invitation, the bar mitzvah and party have been a year in planning. Did you know there are "bar/bat mitzvah expos" where you go to get ideas and hire stationers, party planners, figure out themes, favors, bands and even "party enhancers" who are paid dancers who are on the dance floor trying to get everyone up and out of their seats to have a good time. Some of these events cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yes, that's what the parents chose to do (and also why some rabbis are trying to curtail the madness) but if you do decide to attend, you should at least cover the costs of your child's evening. Or not attend at all. Think wedding. Would you give $18.00 to a couple at a wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$18 is cheap. This is not a regular party. This is a huge, huge deal, that the child spent MONTHS preparing for, that the parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars on (even for a less expensive bar mitzvah). $18 is an insult and not just fine at all.

I really hope this is a joke. If not and you are Jewish, you give the rest of us a bad name. I agree that a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a big deal, but really the party is not. The ceremony is the important part.

I'm not sure what you mean by joke, but $18.00 is not appropriate. At least cover the cost of your (or child's) dinner, dancing, table favors, etc. The money is supposed to go into a trust fund for college. BTW, savings bonds are also an xlnt way to go. I've bought them many times for bar mitzvahs.

You seem a little dense. News flash- you don't hold a wedding and expect to recoup the costs. Same goes for Bar Mitzvahs. I probably spent $25k on a wedding and didn't expect to get that back in gifts. You give others of your faith a bad name by constantly repeating your statement. Go read Miss Manners. Oh, and it doesn't matter if you plan to start a college fund. Would you tell wedding guests you want cash only for your house down payment?

[Anonymous]

If u want to fund a College fund, have the ceremony and then do a simple party at your house. Bank the money you would have spent on a fancy show off keep up with the joneses party. Don't waste tens of thousands on a party and expect guests to give enough to cover the party plus your kids college! Wow......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If u want to fund a College fund, have the ceremony and then do a simple party at your house. Bank the money you would have spent on a fancy show off keep up with the joneses party. Don't waste tens of thousands on a party and expect guests to give enough to cover the party plus your kids college! Wow......

+1
These are bizarre statements.