Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

This. I will not play mommy politics or get involved with moms who want to relive adolescent drama through their kids. A birthday party is a celebration. Include everyone, ignore the drama, and give kids a chance to get to know new people.

I'm sorry, I don't agree. For the past four years, we have had a giant party where we invited DS's entire class. We can't afford to do it in our townhouse, so it cost us almost $400 to rent a room at a rec center, get food, plates, etc. It was great to invite everyone, but it was horribly stressful and expensive for me, and I'm not doing it any more. This year, we are going to just invite 4 or 5 of DS's best friends (there will be some boys and some girls) to our home for a small party. I'll certainly stress to him not to talk about it in front of children we were not able to invite because it may hurt their feelings. But we are under no obligation to provide a party for every child in the class. It isn't "adolescent drama," it is a reasonable limit on the size of the party.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all of the assumptions people are making here in an attempt to vilify the OP and her daughter. You people are nuts, just like the mom who called the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the assumptions people are making here in an attempt to vilify the OP and her daughter. You people are nuts, just like the mom who called the OP

yep, completely agree, definitely some insecurities coming to the surface.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of a 10 yo girl. I wasn't raise in the States, so I always research how to response in an appropriate way here.

According to American Book "A Smart Girl's Guide to Knowing What to Say", the appropriate response to be "I am sorry the number of guest is limited, and we are not able to invite [the name of the kid] this time." AND if you are up to it, you may also add "However, we'd like to have [the name of the kid] come over for a play date next time."

hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the assumptions people are making here in an attempt to vilify the OP and her daughter. You people are nuts, just like the mom who called the OP

yep, completely agree, definitely some insecurities coming to the surface.

I'm one of the people questioning the OP and it is because of her tone. She thinks the 10 yo is demanding and insisting on being invited, because her mother called without even thinking of other possibilities. I don't think OP has to invite anyone. I just want her to realize that she is making the 10yo out to be a brat, when in reality, she may be sad and down and feeling left out. That doesn't mean she needs to invite her, but she just seems so outraged at the girl, which makes no sense. And also at the mother, who could be trying (in the wrong way) to make it better for her little girl.

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking about Rudolph's red nose. We never really know for sure what unseen qualities children may possess. Even the ones who have been excluded from playing in reindeer games.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the people questioning the OP and it is because of her tone. She thinks the 10 yo is demanding and insisting on being invited, because her mother called without even thinking of other possibilities. I don't think OP has to invite anyone. I just want her to realize that she is making the 10yo out to be a brat, when in reality, she may be sad and down and feeling left out. That doesn't mean she needs to invite her, but she just seems so outraged at the girl, which makes no sense. And also at the mother, who could be trying (in the wrong way) to make it better for her little girl.

This. The OP sounds like a classic, catty mean mom with nothing better to do. Was the call odd? Sure. Did it warrant her outrage and running to tell a zillion people about her outage? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is turning 10 and her classmate's parent just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's sleepover party. My DD isn't having a sleepover party - just a dinner with some friends. But I had to restrict the list to start, since we're going out, and I really can't include this child who is not really even DD's friend. It isn't as if this child has no friends -- she has plenty. She obviously just wants to go to my DD's birthday celebration and had her mom call to ask outright. It was a very uncomfortable conversation. I really resent having been put in that situation. Anyone else ever been there?

Wow! I had a friend do that once to another mom. I thought that was chutzpadik (a lot of nerve)! I can't believe people do this. It's so incredibly rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm one of the people questioning the OP and it is because of her tone. She thinks the 10 yo is demanding and insisting on being invited, because her mother called without even thinking of other possibilities. I don't think OP has to invite anyone. I just want her to realize that she is making the 10yo out to be a brat, when in reality, she may be sad and down and feeling left out. That doesn't mean she needs to invite her, but she just seems so outraged at the girl, which makes no sense. And also at the mother, who could be trying (in the wrong way) to make it better for her little girl.

This. The OP sounds like a classic, catty mean mom with nothing better to do. Was the call odd? Sure. Did it warrant her outrage and running to tell a zillion people about her outage? No.

I disagree with you pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. I will not play mommy politics or get involved with moms who want to relive adolescent drama through their kids. A birthday party is a celebration. Include everyone, ignore the drama, and give kids a chance to get to know new people.

I'm sorry, I don't agree. For the past four years, we have had a giant party where we invited DS's entire class. We can't afford to do it in our townhouse, so it cost us almost $400 to rent a room at a rec center, get food, plates, etc. It was great to invite everyone, but it was horribly stressful and expensive for me, and I'm not doing it any more. This year, we are going to just invite 4 or 5 of DS's best friends (there will be some boys and some girls) to our home for a small party. I'll certainly stress to him not to talk about it in front of children we were not able to invite because it may hurt their feelings. But we are under no obligation to provide a party for every child in the class. It isn't "adolescent drama," it is a reasonable limit on the size of the party.

This. Apparently if you have a kid with a winter birthday you either have to be rich so you can afford to rent space in this town or your kid doesn't get to have a birthday celebration with friends. Are kids not allowed to have close friends anymore? If you have a couple best friends you are a mean girl? If you invite one for a play date then do you have to invite all the others? I guess my daughter can never have a friend sleep over b/c I cannot accommodate all 14 girls in her class. It is not these things that make you mean it's the behavior that accompanies them. I'm sorry but you don't have to like and be friends with everyone. You do have to be kind.

I have no idea whether OP is nice or not, whether her daughter is a mean girl or not. If the daughter was telling everyone OP should address that, and if the uninvited girl is in the daughter's little circle of friends that's a problem. And there is certainly a diplomatic way to handle the mother who called (many of which have been suggested), but on the pure question of can a 10 year old girl have a birthday dinner with 3 or 4 friends, you people really believe the answer is no? Invite everyone or no one (especially when "everyone" in this instance isn't even one class, apparently they rotate so it's several--like the whole grade)?

[Anonymous]

Many of you calling OP names are just beyond bizarre.

OP's child gets to decide who to invite to her party (with guidance from OP about budget). She's inviting 4-5 girls. She is under NO obligation to invite everyone she knows just b/c she's having some. Teach your kids to be o.k. knowing that they have some closer friends and some less-best friends. Yes, OP's daughter and the invitees should be taught to keep quiet about the dinner invitation around other girls. But, even if they make a mistake and speak about the party around girls who weren't invited, the non-invited girl's mom should have handled it by teaching her daughter to be o.k. with not always being invited. It doesn't mean that she's not important/liked. The mom who called is teaching her daughter that mommy fixes things and that daughter cannot handle being out of any group activity.

OP, I sincerely think you did the right thing and I am just aghast at the mean name-calling that has transpired on this board (although it is pretty typical of DCUM). I would have done it just as you did. Don't be pushed around by pushy people. That other mom was SO out of line to call you and ask that you invite her child. It's really ballsy to tell other people how they should celebrate their daughter's birthday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of a 10 yo girl. I wasn't raise in the States, so I always research how to response in an appropriate way here.

According to American Book "A Smart Girl's Guide to Knowing What to Say", the appropriate response to be "I am sorry the number of guest is limited, and we are not able to invite [the name of the kid] this time." AND if you are up to it, you may also add "However, we'd like to have [the name of the kid] come over for a play date next time."

hope it helps.

I just want to say that that is an absolutely lovely response that respects the birthday girl's wishes, yet is still polite. Also, I love that you put so much effort into the social etiquette in the US. I have no plans to move, but if I do, you have inspired me to research etiquette wherever I move, so thank you.

*I think a lot of people think there's no way to say no, or reject something yet still be polite. They are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

Even if this is the case, the girls are 10 years old, which is old enough to know who their friends are and aren't and the mom s should be teaching them to confront each other on their own. And not confront, which is a hostile word, but rather just ask nicely or talk about feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the assumptions people are making here in an attempt to vilify the OP and her daughter. You people are nuts, just like the mom who called the OP

+1 to the bolded part. I am ignoring the second sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of a 10 yo girl. I wasn't raise in the States, so I always research how to response in an appropriate way here.

According to American Book "A Smart Girl's Guide to Knowing What to Say", the appropriate response to be "I am sorry the number of guest is limited, and we are not able to invite [the name of the kid] this time." AND if you are up to it, you may also add "However, we'd like to have [the name of the kid] come over for a play date next time."

hope it helps.

I think we should all own this book, whether we are new to the country or not! Thanks for the heads up PP.