Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

"*I think a lot of people think there's no way to say no, or reject something yet still be polite. They are wrong."

And doormats.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are getting a lot of really bitchy advice, and hypocrites as well. You know perfectly well that these very moms have not invited every girl as they are advising you to do. If they did, you would be doing nothing but going to parties! I had a similar thing happen. I gave in...why not be nice. The girl in question had social/behavioral problems and disrupted the entire party. Very mean "pranks". I should have called the mother and asked her to pick up her child -- she was not ready for a social party, and was an actual danger to self and others, not to mention what it did to the party. Just crazy. It was certainly not fair to my DD. The mother is desperate because her DD has problems. Stay away, stay far away Its your DDs birthday. The first poster who said tell the mom, "well you had the wrong information" gave the best advice, and 10:45 also.

[Anonymous]

Even if OP was in the wrong here (excluding the other kid, etc.) this parent did not handle it well.

"Hi Joan, I heard from Sarah that your daughter Jenny is having a sleepover party. From what my daughter says, I understood that our girls are good friends, and she is hurt that she was not invited. Did something happen between the girls that you are aware of? I want to be sure that everything is all right, and if my daughter has done anything hurtful towards yours, I'd want to know."

Then OP can explain that this time, only very close friends were invited, and that it was a small guest list due to the type of activity (dinner), and that it is not in fact a snub. She probably won't feel pressured or uncomfortable and may extend an invitation to "Sarah" to come play with "Jenny" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the assumptions people are making here in an attempt to vilify the OP and her daughter. You people are nuts, just like the mom who called the OP

yep, completely agree, definitely some insecurities coming to the surface.

I'm one of the people questioning the OP and it is because of her tone. She thinks the 10 yo is demanding and insisting on being invited, because her mother called without even thinking of other possibilities. I don't think OP has to invite anyone. I just want her to realize that she is making the 10yo out to be a brat, when in reality, she may be sad and down and feeling left out. That doesn't mean she needs to invite her, but she just seems so outraged at the girl, which makes no sense. And also at the mother, who could be trying (in the wrong way) to make it better for her little girl.

Plus one!!

[Anonymous]

Op these people are crazy.

It isn't exclusion to not invite every child you know to a birthday party. If people would teach their kids that it is okay to not be invited to every party instead of howling in protest about their poor special child's self-esteem being shattered because they aren't invited to something, kids would grow up to be more competent adults. Teach your kids that life means that there are space, time and money constraints and that it isn't personal to not be invited to every event that happens in the sphere of their world. If you teach your child that, they can cope just fine without being upset by it, they will.

[Anonymous]

How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way.

Even if the caller felt that her child was being excluded from the birthday party, there is no reason to feel "desperate." It would be much more useful to focus energy on building up her child's confidence and helping her to understand that it is ok not to be in this particular girl's group of BFFs. Calling to beg an invite is a bad reflection on the mom, her child. If she felt that OP's daughter was picking on her kid, she could have said that directly, but it doesn't sound like that was her issue.

[Anonymous]

reflection on the mom, her child.

Sorry, iphone glitch. A bad reflection on the mom, NOT her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of a 10 yo girl. I wasn't raise in the States, so I always research how to response in an appropriate way here.

According to American Book "A Smart Girl's Guide to Knowing What to Say", the appropriate response to be "I am sorry the number of guest is limited, and we are not able to invite [the name of the kid] this time." AND if you are up to it, you may also add "However, we'd like to have [the name of the kid] come over for a play date next time."

hope it helps.

I think we should all own this book, whether we are new to the country or not! Thanks for the heads up PP.

My dd is not socially savvy and she loves the Anerican Girl books. They have really helped her understand how to communicate. There are others about sticky situations and friendship. The one the pp mentioned is very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How weird. I understand if maybe she was the only one in the class invited but this is just helicoptering and overstepping boundaries to an extreme.

Who cares? This is an assumption that medicates your decision to leave the uninvited girl out. Speculate all you want. It's not nice to exclude her.

[Anonymous]

When adults throw a party they envision the mix of people, who will get along and set a general budget.

Why should this not apply to kids? How else will they learn how to host a party. It is a skill that we learn....

A forced addition to any party just ruins the chemistry. Save forced invitations for socializing with relatives and coworkers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How weird. I understand if maybe she was the only one in the class invited but this is just helicoptering and overstepping boundaries to an extreme.

Who cares? This is an assumption that medicates your decision to leave the uninvited girl out. Speculate all you want. It's not nice to exclude her.

There is a difference between not inviting and excluding. When you only invite 3 or 4 kids, the other 12 or 23 are not excluded, they just are not invited. When you invite 12 or 23, and leave out 3 or 4, those 3 or 4 are excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about whether OP and her daughter have a "right" to exclude anyone they wants to exclude-- of course they does. They also have the "right" not to say please or thank you, and to laugh when other people are hurt.... This is about consideration and good manners, not "rights" and obligations.

That said, I don't think it sounds like OP did anything inappropriate in terms of the actual party: assuming the there are at least ten or so girls in the class, there's nothing "mean" about having a small party with only five invited.

At the same time, OP, why are ou so outraged by the call from the mom and so convinced that the other mom's child is "demanding"? It sounds like a misunderstanding, and your child may have caused it-- she may have implied it was a sleepover, or said "and you're not invited because o one likes you," or something like that. Strikes me that rather than assume the worst about the other mom and her child, you might have been a little more compassionate to a mom who might have been trying, indirectly, to let you know that our daughter is behaving badly to hers_ or at least that her daughter is suffering.

I'd also suggest reaching out to the teacher and asking her if there's something deeper going on here between this girls and your daughter.

And finally-- I'd use it as a teachable moment for your daughter. I don't mean you should insist that she invite the other girls, but use it as an opportunity to find out what your daughter's perception of the social dynamics are, and to point out that sometimes misunderstandings and gossip can be unintentionally hurtful.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Where is the compassion here?
Sure, OP doesn't have to invite this poor girl, but labeling her as demanding, etc seems really insensitive. The mother must have been pretty concerned to wade into this and call.

I'd be protective of my daughters small party, but also concerned about the other girl, who is obviously upset enough about it that it was brought to her mothers attention.

But in my world, I care about other people's kids too, especially when they are so young.

OP, I get that you were uncomfortable, and I think to fine you held your ground, but seriously? You haven't given a thought to this other girl. Kinda self absorbed of you. Your post came across as defensive.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP: What did you end up doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"*I think a lot of people think there's no way to say no, or reject something yet still be polite. They are wrong."

And doormats.

I would include this child and I am, no way, a dormat.
I will refrain from attacking you character. I am a lady.