Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

This is not about whether OP and her daughter have a "right" to exclude anyone they wants to exclude-- of course they does. They also have the "right" not to say please or thank you, and to laugh when other people are hurt.... This is about consideration and good manners, not "rights" and obligations.

That said, I don't think it sounds like OP did anything inappropriate in terms of the actual party: assuming the there are at least ten or so girls in the class, there's nothing "mean" about having a small party with only five invited.

At the same time, OP, why are ou so outraged by the call from the mom and so convinced that the other mom's child is "demanding"? It sounds like a misunderstanding, and your child may have caused it-- she may have implied it was a sleepover, or said "and you're not invited because o one likes you," or something like that. Strikes me that rather than assume the worst about the other mom and her child, you might have been a little more compassionate to a mom who might have been trying, indirectly, to let you know that our daughter is behaving badly to hers_ or at least that her daughter is suffering.

I'd also suggest reaching out to the teacher and asking her if there's something deeper going on here between this girls and your daughter.

And finally-- I'd use it as a teachable moment for your daughter. I don't mean you should insist that she invite the other girls, but use it as an opportunity to find out what your daughter's perception of the social dynamics are, and to point out that sometimes misunderstandings and gossip can be unintentionally hurtful.

[Anonymous]

PP here, sorry abt typos. IPad.

[Anonymous]

How weird. I understand if maybe she was the only one in the class invited but this is just helicoptering and overstepping boundaries to an extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of harmony, my kids' school has an unwritten but very strong birthday party norm in the lower school that if you're inviting more than 3 kids of a particular gender in a particular class, you have to invite them all. That is: you can decide to have a dinner with your three closest friends only, but you can't invite six out of the eight third grade girls, or 10 out of fifteen boys. I actually think this is a pretty good norm (and just enforced it with my DD, who wanted to invite 13 out of 15 girls to her 10th bday party). OP, is it possible that your school also has some such norm, or that the other mom came from a school with such a norm? If so, perhaps she formed the impression, from her daughter, that your daughter had singled hers out for exclusion, and thought you might not have realized....

I agree, it's really awkward, and I would never tell anyone they "should" invite my child to something. But I feel bad for the girl, who may have felt very excluded, rightly or wrongly. Once or twice this has happened to one of my kids -- once, for instance, a parent had booked an end of year party at a place with very strict space limits, and only invited six of the nine girls in my DD's class. My DD didn't get invited because she just didn't know the hostess as well as the other kids... but boy did she feel left out.

What kind of school are your kids at where they think they can force you to invite every child in the class to your home for a party? Has the world gone completely insane? Is this Alexandria Country Day School by any chance?

No, not Alexandria Country Day. The school doesn't "force" anyone to do anything -- it suggests that parents do this, and in my experience most are extremely happy to do this. I think things obviously change when kids are older, but for a bunch of six or seven year olds, most parents understand that it's cruel to exclude one or two children from a party that everyone else goes to.

Good lord. I guess I won't be hosting birthday parties then. I'm supposed to pay for food and entertainment for every single kid in my DS's grade when he gets to that point, and open my home to 25+ kids? When did we get to the point where we teach our children that their feelings should never be hurt? I got excluded from parties as a kid and managed to survive.
.

Guess that's why you're so bitter and angry as an adult.

Why do you think I am bitter and angry? You don't agree with me, fine. It doesn't mean I am bitter and angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

Which begs the question: Why is it incumbent on OP's daughter to INCLUDE the girl? If she were the only one in a group, that's one thing, but if the group has 20 and dd invited 5, that's entirely another.

OP still hasn't answered how many girls are in the class....

Can you read? They switch classes.

This means you are not in with the same 15 kids all day long. Mom probably doesn't know how many girls her daughter had class with, because they switch classes.

Plus, not all the guests are even from that school.



Crazy, pushy mom. Poor girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite as many kids as you possibly can - gosh it's a party - not a trip to the bathroom!!!

It is at a restaurant.

Who in the world wants to take a dozen plus 10 year olds out to dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP is dodging the issue. OP, how many girls are in the class and how many did you INVITE? Not how many accepted your invite - how many did you invite?
For a mom to do what this mom did, the numbers must be bad.....

And THIS is why, even if we had the money, we decided private school wasn't for us. The smaller number of kids (vs. most public schools) set up this need to make these written/unwritten rules. I get it, don't want one kid to be left out, but while I think it's good for my kids to learn to be polite and friendly with kids in school, they don't have to be friends with every single person in the class. Do you love everyone in your office. Do you want to go out to lunch with all of your co-workers? Why do we insist kids act this way. I think in many cases it backfires.

Amen + 1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: if the mother did not make such a big deal about it, it would not be a big deal. Obviously the mother who called the OP felt comfortable doing so. She assumed she would would understand.
Why does the number have to be so rigid? I see it as bitchy. Lighten up Moms. Remember the golden rule.

Seatbelts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP: if the mother did not make such a big deal about it, it would not be a big deal. Obviously the mother who called the OP felt comfortable doing so. She assumed she would would understand.
Why does the number have to be so rigid? I see it as bitchy. Lighten up Moms. Remember the golden rule.

Seatbelts.

Actually in this area, it is probably 5 point harness high backed booster seats.

You can only fit so many of them in a car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about whether OP and her daughter have a "right" to exclude anyone they wants to exclude-- of course they does. They also have the "right" not to say please or thank you, and to laugh when other people are hurt.... This is about consideration and good manners, not "rights" and obligations.
.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

Which begs the question: Why is it incumbent on OP's daughter to INCLUDE the girl? If she were the only one in a group, that's one thing, but if the group has 20 and dd invited 5, that's entirely another.

OP still hasn't answered how many girls are in the class....

Somebody explain to me why this matters. I don't get it. Sure sounds like your "suggested policy" is pretty strictly enforced by the mommy police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the number of kids in a class, it is up to a family to decide how many guests to host at ANY party, and not the school's business what a family does.

Period - End of story.

THIS

[Anonymous]

God, this makes me so happy my kids are too young for this, yet...

When does this "mean girl" phase start?

[Anonymous]

Saying please and thank you are also pretty strictly enforced by the mommy police, thank goodness. Nothing wrong with members of a voluntary community asking each other to behave in considerate ways. Agree, this is about good manners and thoughtfulness, not about what anyone is "forced" to do or has a "right" to do.

[Anonymous]

Kids will sometimes be mean. Our job as parents is to discourage meanness, to enable it.