Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP is dodging the issue. OP, how many girls are in the class and how many did you INVITE? Not how many accepted your invite - how many did you invite?
For a mom to do what this mom did, the numbers must be bad.....

And THIS is why, even if we had the money, we decided private school wasn't for us. The smaller number of kids (vs. most public schools) set up this need to make these written/unwritten rules. I get it, don't want one kid to be left out, but while I think it's good for my kids to learn to be polite and friendly with kids in school, they don't have to be friends with every single person in the class. Do you love everyone in your office. Do you want to go out to lunch with all of your co-workers? Why do we insist kids act this way. I think in many cases it backfires.

No, but when we have cake for someone's birthday everyone is invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. There are a lot of children at this school - there is no rule about whom to invite. Especially when my dd is only having 5 girls at most out to dinner. No party here. Just a dinner out at a restaurant. my dd likes this girl fine - but she doesn't want to leave out a bestie in favor of someone who demands to be included in an intimate group.

I agree with how you responded to the mom. Just remember, though: you don't know that the daughter "demanded" anything. Maybe she was sad and crying and her mom called "for" her and the girl was absolutely mortified to find out what her mom did. I also don't know what happened in their home, but my priors are that a) a ten year old girl couldn't convince a mom to do something like that, and only a mom missing screws would ever agree and b) most ten year olds would cry about being excluded but have enough social sense not to push it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We haven't invited anyone. We haven't even firmed up plans yet. The kids switch classes and are in many different classes throughout the day. And some of the girls she is friends with aren't even from the school. Seriously, this is not a party. No exclusion. I don't care whether the child asked or the mom did it on her own. I hated being put in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

Which begs the question: Why is it incumbent on OP's daughter to INCLUDE the girl? If she were the only one in a group, that's one thing, but if the group has 20 and dd invited 5, that's entirely another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

Which begs the question: Why is it incumbent on OP's daughter to INCLUDE the girl? If she were the only one in a group, that's one thing, but if the group has 20 and dd invited 5, that's entirely another.

OP still hasn't answered how many girls are in the class....

[Anonymous]

We're in a similar situation right now. DS wants a big birthday party, but doesn't want to invite all the boys. Some of the boys in his class have had parties this year and DS hasn't been invited to any. I asked him how he feels, and he says he doesn't care because he'll get them back by not inviting those boys to his party. I can see why schools have these unwritten rules. The kids talk about the parties before and after in front of the other children who aren't invited. I'm leaning towards inviting all the boys in his class.

The second problem is the remaining classes in his grade. DS has friends from recess and prior year classes. He wants to invite some kids from the other classes. Since it would only be a few boys from each class, then I'm thinking it's ok to only invite a few from each of the other classes. We cannot afford to invite all the boys from all the classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in a similar situation right now. DS wants a big birthday party, but doesn't want to invite all the boys. Some of the boys in his class have had parties this year and DS hasn't been invited to any. I asked him how he feels, and he says he doesn't care because he'll get them back by not inviting those boys to his party. I can see why schools have these unwritten rules. The kids talk about the parties before and after in front of the other children who aren't invited. I'm leaning towards inviting all the boys in his class.

The second problem is the remaining classes in his grade. DS has friends from recess and prior year classes. He wants to invite some kids from the other classes. Since it would only be a few boys from each class, then I'm thinking it's ok to only invite a few from each of the other classes. We cannot afford to invite all the boys from all the classes.

I have done two parties to avoid this issue -- 1) special activity with closest friend(s) and 2) a large low key party in a public park where we have invited the whole class. Cake, a few games and maybe a pinata. But really, after reading through this post OP should be able to invite whoever she wants to the party. We all have had parties where we have had to stress over guest lists and who to invite.

[Anonymous]

OP, I commend you for not making your daughter invite anyone in particular. The mom was out of line. I understand the issue with exclusion. Been there, done that. I got through it. My mom never stepped in. Ever. The one time I was given a "pity" invite (girls mom made her invite everyone) I was ignored at the party and whispered and giggled about at school after. I would have been better off not being invited.

Perhaps you could talk to your DD though.. see where she stands as far as this girl being a friend. I have to wonder too where the idea came that it's a sleepover. Is your DD talking about it at school?

[Anonymous]

Invite as many kids as you possibly can - gosh it's a party - not a trip to the bathroom!!!

[Anonymous]

Regardless of the number of kids in a class, it is up to a family to decide how many guests to host at ANY party, and not the school's business what a family does.

Period - End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was SUPREMELY uncomfortable doing this, but I just basically told her it was up to DD to invite her friends, as we were having very few children at the celebration. It was truly awful and I'm still reeling from it, honestly.

So you asked your daughter if she wanted to invite this girl. WOW. Way to raise a mean girl.
Why not talk to your daughter about including her. You don't know why this party is important to her, but apparently it is. How flattering this is for your daughter. I would want my daughter to take the high road. When she gets there, she is sure to meet some classy girls!

Wait, how is that mean? "DD, we can't invite everyone in your class, but we can invite 5 girls. Which 5 do you want to invite?" Her daughter is 10, she's clearly old enough to identify who her bestest friends are. I agree this would be awful if there were only 7 girls in the class, but let's assume that she's inviting 60% or less of the class, why on earth can't this young lady articulate with whom she wants to celebrate without being labeled a mean girl?

It is mean because the OP is teaching her daughter that the little girl who is left out may be going through a hard. In this situation, I would come from a place where there is always room for one more. Mothers teach their daughters how to be bitches. This is how they do it.

[Anonymous]

NP here, and PP, you are out of your mind. The daughter was given a limit of 5, she selected 5, and the other girl wasn't in the 5. It doesn't sound like she was #6, either. If she's invited, then the daughter has to explain to other people why they weren't invited and this girl was. There is nothing mean at all about sticking to the original list (assuming that it's not just excluding one or two kids) and it CERTAINLY isn't teaching her daughter to be a bitch.

[Anonymous]

PP: if the mother did not make such a big deal about it, it would not be a big deal. Obviously the mother who called the OP felt comfortable doing so. She assumed she would would understand.
Why does the number have to be so rigid? I see it as bitchy. Lighten up Moms. Remember the golden rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: if the mother did not make such a big deal about it, it would not be a big deal. Obviously the mother who called the OP felt comfortable doing so. She assumed she would would understand.
Why does the number have to be so rigid? I see it as bitchy. Lighten up Moms. Remember the golden rule.

"bitch unto others As you would have them bitch unto you. And don't be rigid about numbers. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in a similar situation right now. DS wants a big birthday party, but doesn't want to invite all the boys. Some of the boys in his class have had parties this year and DS hasn't been invited to any. I asked him how he feels, and he says he doesn't care because he'll get them back by not inviting those boys to his party. I can see why schools have these unwritten rules. The kids talk about the parties before and after in front of the other children who aren't invited. I'm leaning towards inviting all the boys in his class.

The second problem is the remaining classes in his grade. DS has friends from recess and prior year classes. He wants to invite some kids from the other classes. Since it would only be a few boys from each class, then I'm thinking it's ok to only invite a few from each of the other classes. We cannot afford to invite all the boys from all the classes.

My rule: you can invite less than 50% of the boys in any given circle. If you want half or more, you have to do all. Thus a few friends from each class is perfect.