Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would be compassionate but would not invite the child if the party were otherwise limited to a small group of my child's closest friends. I would explain that I had limited the party to a small group of girls that my daughter is closest with for financial reasons, and suggest that maybe our girls could get together another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of harmony, my kids' school has an unwritten but very strong birthday party norm in the lower school that if you're inviting more than 3 kids of a particular gender in a particular class, you have to invite them all. That is: you can decide to have a dinner with your three closest friends only, but you can't invite six out of the eight third grade girls, or 10 out of fifteen boys. I actually think this is a pretty good norm (and just enforced it with my DD, who wanted to invite 13 out of 15 girls to her 10th bday party). OP, is it possible that your school also has some such norm, or that the other mom came from a school with such a norm? If so, perhaps she formed the impression, from her daughter, that your daughter had singled hers out for exclusion, and thought you might not have realized....

I agree, it's really awkward, and I would never tell anyone they "should" invite my child to something. But I feel bad for the girl, who may have felt very excluded, rightly or wrongly. Once or twice this has happened to one of my kids -- once, for instance, a parent had booked an end of year party at a place with very strict space limits, and only invited six of the nine girls in my DD's class. My DD didn't get invited because she just didn't know the hostess as well as the other kids... but boy did she feel left out.

What kind of school are your kids at where they think they can force you to invite every child in the class to your home for a party? Has the world gone completely insane? Is this Alexandria Country Day School by any chance?

No, not Alexandria Country Day. The school doesn't "force" anyone to do anything -- it suggests that parents do this, and in my experience most are extremely happy to do this. I think things obviously change when kids are older, but for a bunch of six or seven year olds, most parents understand that it's cruel to exclude one or two children from a party that everyone else goes to.

Good lord. I guess I won't be hosting birthday parties then. I'm supposed to pay for food and entertainment for every single kid in my DS's grade when he gets to that point, and open my home to 25+ kids? When did we get to the point where we teach our children that their feelings should never be hurt? I got excluded from parties as a kid and managed to survive.

Yet another reason why so many kids are growing up to be helpless these days. College mental health offices are packed with kids who are falling apart now that mommy and daddy aren't there to manage every aspect of their lives anymore. Pathetic.

Seriously? You got from PP's post that the school is "forcing" the families to invite all of the kids? Are you unfamiliar with the concept of an "unwritten" rule? Seriously, do you not know what that means? Or did you just not read carefully? Honestly I'd love to know. Because on my computer it would appear that it is a general guideline that parents choose to follow in the interest of a harmonious school community and not hurting the feelings of young children. The fact that you see no value in that is your loss. But frankly, I'd be more concerned with your absolute stunning lack of reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Any chance you are in a private school and there is an "invite all or one gender" rule, and that this mom is in a round about way trying to tell you that you aren't in comp;iance with the school rule? That's the only thing I can think about. Really rude of her.

I hated it when parents brought siblings and tossed them at me for a pool party and then left to go get hair done, run chores. I'm trying to run a safe swim party and now I have infants that I have to blow up a pool for; mothers who keep telling me that a kid in a diaper pooped in the play pool and that I needed to do something because it was unsanitary. Hullo, I'm on the phone with Domino's - did it occur to you to help out? And, my favorite, the kid who tried to flush the diaper down the toilet and our toilet overflowed and destroyed all the floors in the main level and basement. Yup, love those siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was SUPREMELY uncomfortable doing this, but I just basically told her it was up to DD to invite her friends, as we were having very few children at the celebration. It was truly awful and I'm still reeling from it, honestly.

So you asked your daughter if she wanted to invite this girl. WOW. Way to raise a mean girl.
Why not talk to your daughter about including her. You don't know why this party is important to her, but apparently it is. How flattering this is for your daughter. I would want my daughter to take the high road. When she gets there, she is sure to meet some classy girls!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was SUPREMELY uncomfortable doing this, but I just basically told her it was up to DD to invite her friends, as we were having very few children at the celebration. It was truly awful and I'm still reeling from it, honestly.

So you asked your daughter if she wanted to invite this girl. WOW. Way to raise a mean girl.
Why not talk to your daughter about including her. You don't know why this party is important to her, but apparently it is. How flattering this is for your daughter. I would want my daughter to take the high road. When she gets there, she is sure to meet some classy girls!

Wait, how is that mean? "DD, we can't invite everyone in your class, but we can invite 5 girls. Which 5 do you want to invite?" Her daughter is 10, she's clearly old enough to identify who her bestest friends are. I agree this would be awful if there were only 7 girls in the class, but let's assume that she's inviting 60% or less of the class, why on earth can't this young lady articulate with whom she wants to celebrate without being labeled a mean girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of harmony, my kids' school has an unwritten but very strong birthday party norm in the lower school that if you're inviting more than 3 kids of a particular gender in a particular class, you have to invite them all. That is: you can decide to have a dinner with your three closest friends only, but you can't invite six out of the eight third grade girls, or 10 out of fifteen boys. I actually think this is a pretty good norm (and just enforced it with my DD, who wanted to invite 13 out of 15 girls to her 10th bday party). OP, is it possible that your school also has some such norm, or that the other mom came from a school with such a norm? If so, perhaps she formed the impression, from her daughter, that your daughter had singled hers out for exclusion, and thought you might not have realized....

I agree, it's really awkward, and I would never tell anyone they "should" invite my child to something. But I feel bad for the girl, who may have felt very excluded, rightly or wrongly. Once or twice this has happened to one of my kids -- once, for instance, a parent had booked an end of year party at a place with very strict space limits, and only invited six of the nine girls in my DD's class. My DD didn't get invited because she just didn't know the hostess as well as the other kids... but boy did she feel left out.

What kind of school are your kids at where they think they can force you to invite every child in the class to your home for a party? Has the world gone completely insane? Is this Alexandria Country Day School by any chance?

The couple of DC private schools we've been all have the same recommendations.

[Anonymous]

This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

[Anonymous]

This thread is unbelievable. What bitches. How does OP know what friends the other girl has. I think the mom was driven by a desire to shield her child from rejection by OP's child. Imagine how desparate this mother must have felt to have reached out to you this way. Your DD obviously excluded this girl and her mom is confronting you about it.

I have no idea why you are jumping to this conclusion. OP said that they were having very few children at her child's birthday dinner. What basis do you have to conclude that she is lying? If all, or most of the other girls in the class were invited, yes, it would be wrong not to invite the girl. But from what OP has stated, that was not the case.

[Anonymous]

Op here. There are a lot of children at this school - there is no rule about whom to invite. Especially when my dd is only having 5 girls at most out to dinner. No party here. Just a dinner out at a restaurant. my dd likes this girl fine - but she doesn't want to leave out a bestie in favor of someone who demands to be included in an intimate group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. There are a lot of children at this school - there is no rule about whom to invite. Especially when my dd is only having 5 girls at most out to dinner. No party here. Just a dinner out at a restaurant. my dd likes this girl fine - but she doesn't want to leave out a bestie in favor of someone who demands to be included in an intimate group.

You are being very vague about how many girls are in the class and how many were actually invited. You say there are a lot at the school. I don't feel you have to invite them all, but it could explain the other girls feelings. You don't sound too mature saying that the other girl "demands" to be included. How do you know that? Maybe she is just very sad and down.

I wouldn't have wanted that call either, but you are showing attitude with that comment. Have you ever been 10 and thought all of your friends were going to a party and you weren't and you were sad? Where does the demanding part come in? Why badmouth the girl for her mom handling it perhaps poorly.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP is dodging the issue. OP, how many girls are in the class and how many did you INVITE? Not how many accepted your invite - how many did you invite?
For a mom to do what this mom did, the numbers must be bad.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP is dodging the issue. OP, how many girls are in the class and how many did you INVITE? Not how many accepted your invite - how many did you invite?
For a mom to do what this mom did, the numbers must be bad.....

And THIS is why, even if we had the money, we decided private school wasn't for us. The smaller number of kids (vs. most public schools) set up this need to make these written/unwritten rules. I get it, don't want one kid to be left out, but while I think it's good for my kids to learn to be polite and friendly with kids in school, they don't have to be friends with every single person in the class. Do you love everyone in your office. Do you want to go out to lunch with all of your co-workers? Why do we insist kids act this way. I think in many cases it backfires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP is dodging the issue. OP, how many girls are in the class and how many did you INVITE? Not how many accepted your invite - how many did you invite?
For a mom to do what this mom did, the numbers must be bad.....

NP here. Also curious about this. Care to answer, OP?

[Anonymous]

^^ Apologies for the lack of question marks where they should be! Long day...

[Anonymous]

Maybe mom and classmate are on the spectrum, hence the unusual social situation??