Vent - DD's classmate's mother just called to ask me to invite her kid to my kid's bday party

[Anonymous]

A very wise woman once told me that it's better to be inclusive than exclusive. I remind my daughter of this when we discuss social dynamics (especially re. somewhat awkward classmates) all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids will sometimes be mean. Our job as parents is to discourage meanness, to enable it.

I mean, not to enable it.

[Anonymous]

Why does this girl have to be invited? Why is the birthday girl not entitled to invite who she WANTS to invite, within the limit her parents gave her? Nobody knows that the not invited girl is some poor little thing with no friends. Although with her mother making phone calls like that, very few friends wouldn't be a big surprise.

This whole idea that kids should never be disappointed is ridiculous. The family is taking a certain number of girls to a restaurant for dinner. Should they change their plans so every girl in the class can be involved, whether the birthday girl wants them there or not?

It's the girl's birthday -- she doesn't have to involve a girl she hadn't planned on involving. There is nothing mean about this. It's just life, and kids need to start learning that instead of expecting to be included in everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does this girl have to be invited? Why is the birthday girl not entitled to invite who she WANTS to invite, within the limit her parents gave her? Nobody knows that the not invited girl is some poor little thing with no friends. Although with her mother making phone calls like that, very few friends wouldn't be a big surprise.

This whole idea that kids should never be disappointed is ridiculous. The family is taking a certain number of girls to a restaurant for dinner. Should they change their plans so every girl in the class can be involved, whether the birthday girl wants them there or not?

It's the girl's birthday -- she doesn't have to involve a girl she hadn't planned on involving. There is nothing mean about this. It's just life, and kids need to start learning that instead of expecting to be included in everything.

Hmmm. So you don't see how you're being just a tad insensitive?

[Anonymous]

I have to believe the people posting in strong support of crazy mom are parents of preschoolers.

[Anonymous]

The problem is the excluded girl knew about the party. Even details like a potential sleepover. The birthday girl must have been talking about the pending party at school in front of the girl who wasn't invited. It sounds like mom needs to do a better job of teaching her daughter manners if she's not going to invite all the girls. If the party involved more than 3 girls from the same class, all the girls should've been invited until the kids are socially mature enough to not talk about the party at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is the excluded girl knew about the party. Even details like a potential sleepover. The birthday girl must have been talking about the pending party at school in front of the girl who wasn't invited. It sounds like mom needs to do a better job of teaching her daughter manners if she's not going to invite all the girls. If the party involved more than 3 girls from the same class, all the girls should've been invited until the kids are socially mature enough to not talk about the party at school.

+100000

[Anonymous]

OP here. No children from my DD's homeroom class are being invited to the dinner. A few from the grade at large, but none from the class. We cannot afford, nor do I want, to take many, many girls out to dinner at a restaurant. Most girls in the grade seem to be having sleepovers this year, but we have been clear with our DD that she is not having one this year. BTDT. I don't understand why everyone thinks I should have to fund an enormous birthday party for all the girls in the grade just to make this one girl happy, but I don't agree with that. As my DD gets older, we are phasing out "birthday parties" for smaller celebrations, which is what she likes anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No children from my DD's homeroom class are being invited to the dinner. A few from the grade at large, but none from the class. We cannot afford, nor do I want, to take many, many girls out to dinner at a restaurant. Most girls in the grade seem to be having sleepovers this year, but we have been clear with our DD that she is not having one this year. BTDT. I don't understand why everyone thinks I should have to fund an enormous birthday party for all the girls in the grade just to make this one girl happy, but I don't agree with that. As my DD gets older, we are phasing out "birthday parties" for smaller celebrations, which is what she likes anyway.

OP, I totally agree with you. When my kids were younger, we invited the whole class. As they got into the elementary years, we invited all the boys (for my son) and all the girls (for my daughter). Now they are 14 and 10 and the parties are much smaller. Usually 3-4 close friends for a special activity or dinner out. I think the outrage is coming from parents of younger kids and yes, I feel at young ages, the parties should be inclusive as to not hurt feelings, but once they hit 9 or 10 there seems to be NO expectation that birthday parties are "invite the whole class" affairs. The mom calling you to ask for her child to be invited is just plain weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying please and thank you are also pretty strictly enforced by the mommy police, thank goodness. Nothing wrong with members of a voluntary community asking each other to behave in considerate ways. Agree, this is about good manners and thoughtfulness, not about what anyone is "forced" to do or has a "right" to do.

So explain it to me, mommy police. The only considerate way for a parent to behave is to invite EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR CHILD'S CLASSMATES to a party? Is that in fact your claim? I grew up in the 80's and this was never an issue. Sometimes feelings got hurt. Our parents didn't intervene and try to protect us from ever feeling hurt. You are going to raise a bunch of helpless children shielding them as you do from all reality. You should be helping your children learn how to cope and be resilient. Sorry, but I think you are all effing ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No children from my DD's homeroom class are being invited to the dinner. A few from the grade at large, but none from the class. We cannot afford, nor do I want, to take many, many girls out to dinner at a restaurant. Most girls in the grade seem to be having sleepovers this year, but we have been clear with our DD that she is not having one this year. BTDT. I don't understand why everyone thinks I should have to fund an enormous birthday party for all the girls in the grade just to make this one girl happy, but I don't agree with that. As my DD gets older, we are phasing out "birthday parties" for smaller celebrations, which is what she likes anyway.

OP, I totally agree with you. When my kids were younger, we invited the whole class. As they got into the elementary years, we invited all the boys (for my son) and all the girls (for my daughter). Now they are 14 and 10 and the parties are much smaller. Usually 3-4 close friends for a special activity or dinner out. I think the outrage is coming from parents of younger kids and yes, I feel at young ages, the parties should be inclusive as to not hurt feelings, but once they hit 9 or 10 there seems to be NO expectation that birthday parties are "invite the whole class" affairs. The mom calling you to ask for her child to be invited is just plain weird.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

There are so many potential variables here. The calling mom didn't even have the right information. This sounds like the rumor mill run amok.

But 1) If OP's daughter was bragging to the non-invited girl that's mean and OP should talk to her daughter to find out if she was telling that girl or others. 2) Did the other mom hear it from another mom? Weird for calling? 3) Was the other girl devastated because she thinks she and the birthday girl are closer than they are?

But at some point (and age 10 seems reasonable--it's already happening in my kid's class and she's 7), you can invite just a few kids as long as you're not rubbing it in. The options cannot be you either forgo a birthday celebration or spend a small fortune to host 25 kids (this is what parents of kids with winter b-days have to do to host this many kids--there's not a big park option). It's also part of the uninvited girl's mother's job to teach her daughter that sometimes people do small things and you may not get invited, but it doesn't mean she doesn't like you etc., she just may be closer with the other girls. Everyone has friends and then close friends. If she believes them to be closer or if her daughter was truly devastated the other mom could have called and said (though I still think this is strange to call and would never do it), "I understand Suzy Q's birthday is coming up, my little Loretta Lynn just loves Suzy and wants to do something with her to celebrate. Can I take the girls to do X or have Suzy over to play?" Then the onus is not on the birthday girl's mother to have a different party/spend more etc than planned. Yes, it is horrible to be the ONLY one excluded, but it does not sound like that is even close to the case here.

[Anonymous]

At the same time, OP, why are ou so outraged by the call from the mom and so convinced that the other mom's child is "demanding"? It sounds like a misunderstanding, and your child may have caused it-- she may have implied it was a sleepover, or said "and you're not invited because o one likes you," or something like that. Strikes me that rather than assume the worst about the other mom and her child, you might have been a little more compassionate to a mom who might have been trying, indirectly, to let you know that our daughter is behaving badly to hers_ or at least that her daughter is suffering

Again, I don't know why you are assuming that OP's child said or implied anything mean. OP, what you could have done is say to the other mom, "no, it isn't a sleepover party, it's a dinner out with just 3 or 4 of Little Susie's friends. I'm surpised you called - is something going on between little Janie and Sue that we need to address?" If the answer is yes, you can get some more information and act accordingly. If the answer is no, the child just wants to come to the party, you can just stress that you had to limit the dinner to a small group, and don't feel comfortable changing that, but you hope that the girls can get together another time.

[Anonymous]

A very wise woman once told me that it's better to be inclusive than exclusive. I remind my daughter of this when we discuss social dynamics (especially re. somewhat awkward classmates) all the time.

This. I will not play mommy politics or get involved with moms who want to relive adolescent drama through their kids. A birthday party is a celebration. Include everyone, ignore the drama, and give kids a chance to get to know new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to believe the people posting in strong support of crazy mom are parents of preschoolers.

No, middle school parents/veterans of the "mean girl" wars.