If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

First, at 4 months post-partum, now is simply not the time to approach your wife about this issue. You're just going to have to wait it out for another couple of months. Take "care" of your needs on your own in the meantime. Also, take care of her more by arranging for some free time out for her as well as some date nights for the two of you, without asking for sex.

If you love and appreciate your wife, who just went through 9 months of pregnancy, the physical punishment of childbirth, and is still the primary caretaker of an infant (including breastfeeding, maybe?), it really should not be too much for you to take some physical "sacrifice" during this time.

Second, when you do approach the subject again, don't just tell her that you need more sex, that *your* needs are not being met. It will just come across to her as someone putting more demands on her already stressed and overextended condition and will probably just make her resentful that there is one more chore that she *has* to do.

Instead, frame it more as an issue of you being concerned that the lack of physical intimacy may be a symptom of deterioration of the relationship or her being unhappy. Don't tell her that you need physical release, that'll just make her feel like a masturbation device. Tell her that you want to spend more time with her, that you want to express your physical affection for her, that you miss *her*- her body, the way she looks when she orgasms, the way she tastes, etc., whatever it is that turns you on about her. Tell her, for example, that you crave to have her more and have been fantasizing about making her come, and that you'd love to give her pleasure on a more frequent basis.

The poster who suggested you read some women's erotica/romance is onto something. Most women's sexual desire is awakened by feeling desired, by knowing that somewant wants them desparately and is dying to enjoy their body and give them pleasure.

If you can't think of what it is you desire about her, and you don't really want *her*, you just want sex and she's the one you can have it with, then you're probably not going to have much success asking for more sex. She needs to feel desired because it's her, for who she is to you and not just because she's the vagina that is available to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^BTW, I hope your DW discovers that you feel this way and divorces YOUR ass. Is there nothing else about your wife that you love?

NP here: He deserves to have his needs met too, and shame on you for suggesting otherwise.

I wasn't suggesting otherwise, hysterical one. I was suggesting that the way he is expressing himself is totally ass-y. I think that even moreso now that he has admitted to having a four month old. He doesn't admire anything about his wife other than tits and ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think there are lot of people who would marry someone with a sex drive closer to their own. It would be hard to do. Many women use sex to get the man to get the babies, then they check out.

Oh, please. What a load of total bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a snapshot in time of your lives together. Right now she is caring for two young kids and is probably exhausted and therefore LD. Meeting your sex needs is probably pretty low on her priority list right now. Do you pull your weight as much as you can with the kids and everything else in the house? That will go a long way. In a couple years, the child care will be a lot easier and her sex drive will probably start increasing with age, just as yours will be decreasing at some point. One of these days it will level out and you'll be at a good point together. Stop envying what you THINK other couples have. Sexual desires change over time. Just because two people want the same amount of sex at some point in time, doesn't mean it's always so.

Again, please shut up. You clearly have not experienced repeated sexual rejection by your spouse.

Actually, I have. I'm the DW and have sex about as frequently as you do and wish it was FAR more. But I'm also happy that I'm having more sex than I used to because things have changed with my marriage and with my DH. The wording of the OP suggests that the LD wasn't always the case, otherwise why WOULD he have married her? Seriously. Desires change, people change, (hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate, your bodies change, your stress levels change. For example, your lack of sex over the past few years has obviously stressed you out to the point of telling a stranger on the internet to shut up. Rude.

Sorry, PP. You are right to chide me for my lack of civility. I admire your strength in handling sexual frustration. I have been dealing with these issues for nearly a decade and don't have the positive outlook you do. Bravo!

Thanks. I've been dealing with some other much larger issues in the last two years or so that have REALLY put the sex thing into perspective. A lot. And that has really helped shape my outlook. But I completely get your frustration. Good luck to you.

I don't know if either of you are OP, but I'm the LD in my relationship and as much as OP's original phrasing of his question wasn't particularly sensitive or honoring of the very understandable exhaustion his DW is feeling with 2 kids (one 4 mo old), I DO want to say to OP that I think it's very very good that you are expressing this, and that you are NOT seeing it as "F this, if I can't get what I want at home and don't want to leave because of the kids, I'm just gonna do my thing outside of the house. I feel justified and I'm not gonna feel bad about it because I have needs!"

This is teh rationalization that SO MANY of the HD spouses make in their decisions to cheat, and I feel like you're at least doing the right thing by expressing your frsutration, seeking to understand better, and hopefully figuring out that many PPs are right - if you actually take up way more of the burden of caring for the kids and keeping your household stable and in order, your DW may very well start to feel a bit better and her desire may increase. If nothing else, she will hopefully feel better and just be more of someone you enjoy being around (and she enjos being!) because you are demonstrating your love and commitment by actually doing your part and showing you see where she needs help. That can go a really long way.

Still sounds like you need to talk to her a lot more about how you're feeling (not just the one time) and maybe ask her her perspective on it. But at least you are reaching out somewhere and not justifying cheating, which is too easy for too many to do.

OP here. None of the quoted text are me. Anyhow, I feel ling I'm pulling my weight around the house. I even get upset when DW starts to wash the bottles. I tell her to leave it and stop taking MY jobs away. WI get upset when I tell my 4yo to do something and he runs to mommy and asks her if he has to to it or not (bothering mommy). Volunterred to go do the groceries but she shot that down .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^BTW, I hope your DW discovers that you feel this way and divorces YOUR ass. Is there nothing else about your wife that you love?

NP here: He deserves to have his needs met too, and shame on you for suggesting otherwise.

I wasn't suggesting otherwise, hysterical one. I was suggesting that the way he is expressing himself is totally ass-y. I think that even moreso now that he has admitted to having a four month old. He doesn't admire anything about his wife other than tits and ass?

I admire everything else about my wife, except her desire for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

At 4mos out from childbirth, I was just coming off a period of crying in my PJs with leaking breasts, wacky hormones, and roughed-up lady parts. Hell, my son didn't even latch and BF until he was 2 mos old, and he woke every hour or two all night long for months.

OP, you need a reality check. I'm sorry, but this is life with little kids. Not many couples are getting it on 5x a week during this time period.

Actually, I would be happy with 1-2 times a week. Even I know 5 times a week is impossible (for us anyway)

Jesus, OP, I was prepared to be somewhat sympathetic, but you've revealed yourself to be either utterly clueless or a true asshole. At four months out, many women find sex very painful. Can I repeat that - PAINFUL. As in rips and episiomotomies and healing of scars. Most couples I know, even the most HD, were not having any sex for the first 2 months, and then fairly limited sex until 4 or even 6 mos depending on DW's physical condition. I can't believe your response to this "reality check" is to say you'd be OK with 2 times a week. I realize you are no doubt reacting to perhaps a sexless spell before DC #2 came along, but, Jesus, listen to yourself... Seriously, you are part of the problem here.

She could do other things (even mechanized things) to keep him happy. It shouldn't be such a chore and would show she is interested in his very basic needs, which really doesn't have to be all that complex or take all that much time.

Oh yes, the old "give me a BJ" line. As if I am under some obligation when I am taking care of an infant, breasts leaking, using Tucks pads and not sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch. Go masturbate - I'm not adding your BJ to my list of to do's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he sounds like he has needs that aren't being met. That doesn't make him an ass, it makes him human. OP, sit down and talk to your wife. Have open, non-hostile conversations about how both of you can come together to better meet family and maritial needs.

The subtext of his post is that he only got married for sex. That is pretty ass-y, IMO.

That's just not true. I married for love and companionship and to have kids with my husband. I didn't realize that our different sex drives, openness to variety, differing inhibitions, etc. would really wear on the marriage in the long run. It's more complicated than you LD spouses make it out to be.

Then just go have an affair or get a divorce already. If sex is more important than honoring your vows, taking care of your children together, engaging in shared interests and building a solid home, perhaps your spouse would be better off finding someone better matched to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What needs are you not meeting for your DW?

Well, if she would tell me, I could fix it right? The difference is I have told her many times about my desires so it's not like she doesn't know.

OP, ask your wife what you can do and start there. Pre-kids, I had a higher sex drive than my husband, but I tell you, nearly 20 years together and he still doesn't know what a clitoris is.

Also, romance works wonders--it's gets us in the mood.

(And yes, the way you phrase things, makes you an ass.)

[Anonymous]

I don't know why everyone is attacking the OP, unless this just touched a nerve in their own marriages. I wish I had the energy to do it more with my DH, hell - the OP could be my DH. We are at 1x monthly status.

[Anonymous]

If theres a takeaway from reading a few of the responses in here its that 1) a lot of you are emotionally reacting to this situation and not reading the OP said. the sex issues were before the second child so this isnt about letting her "recover".
2) OP you are terrible at expressing yourself and if you approach your wife with this issue (if you havent already), I wouldnt be surprised if she thinks you are a total dick for the way you frame the problem. Be a little more gentle and proactive as oppose to combative, accusatory and overall jerk. It will go a long way if you decide to say something.

3)Its always interesting to see folks project themselves in these scnarios. All these folks attacking OP act as if he's talking to them. Why so serious? Has he touched a nerve with you with some void in your marriage? Just interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a 4yo and a 4 mo. Before #2 came along, #1 was mommy this mommy that, I want mommy. Pretty typical I guess. Naturally, mommy had the bulk of the child care activities. Since #2 came along, I've taken over the care of #1 (yes, it's wayyyy easier than a newborn, i know). #2 also seems to be consoled by mommy only so guess who gets all the carrying duties? Mommy of course. I get that she's tired. I don't really know what else to do.

You have a FOUR MONTH OLD and you are bitching that your wife doesn't want to have sex? Have you tried childbirth? I suggest you go have someone rip off your balls, sew them back on again, and then see how often you are itching for sex.

Just go screw a prostitute already. Life is more than sex.

Where can I sign up? Life is more than sex. True. But I have all the "mores" already and I 'm ready for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What needs are you not meeting for your DW?

Well, if she would tell me, I could fix it right? The difference is I have told her many times about my desires so it's not like she doesn't know.

OP, ask your wife what you can do and start there. Pre-kids, I had a higher sex drive than my husband, but I tell you, nearly 20 years together and he still doesn't know what a clitoris is.Also, romance works wonders--it's gets us in the mood.

(And yes, the way you phrase things, makes you an ass.)

That is your fault. Just tell him, no honey - it's right here.

[Anonymous]

1213 here again

the PP who went on that long rant that OP agreed with seemed to make the only valid argument point in here so far

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

Exactly. Did she actually tell you that or did you just assume because she didn't say anything?

I am a DW and sex changed completely for me. Positions and things that used to feel great hurt like hell - INTERNALLY. My OB told me it has to do with changes in the position of your cervix after childbirth, which can sometimes be permanent. 3.5 years out from childbirth things haven't changed much and the range of what feels good to me is dramatically limited. So yeah, I'm just not into it as much as I used to be. Thankfully my DH is more understanding than you, I can be open with him about this stuff, he is very sensitive about modifying what we do, and has accepted that we will not be getting it on as often as we did before children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh yes, the old "give me a BJ" line. As if I am under some obligation when I am taking care of an infant, breasts leaking, using Tucks pads and not sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch. Go masturbate - I'm not adding your BJ to my list of to do's.

Is this excuse still valid once the child is 1yo? or 2yo? or 3yo?