Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

I don't know what you mean by "subscribed to my role," but your remark about minimum wage childcare workers was offensive to me.

[Anonymous]

I meant it to be offensive. It was a retaliatory post. Look, I really have no problem, make no judgement about other people's decisions regarding SAH, WOH, child care, etc. But to say "we don't subscribe to gender stereotypes" "it is absolutely unfair to DH not to work" etc are snide remarks about those of us who have chosen differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

I don't know what you mean by "subscribed to my role," but your remark about minimum wage childcare workers was offensive to me.

Why offensive?

I have been on both sides (WOHM and SAHM). When I WOH I made sure to choose a daycare that treated their employees well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

I don't know what you mean by "subscribed to my role," but your remark about minimum wage childcare workers was offensive to me.

Why offensive?

I have been on both sides (WOHM and SAHM). When I WOH I made sure to choose a daycare that treated their employees well.

Offensive because PP said she stayed home so that she wouldn't have to leave her children with minimum wage childcare workers. I don't equate people's worth or skill with their income, but I guess my views are in the minority on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hmmm....we thought it was "absolutely unfair" to bring a child into the world and then leave her with a minimum wage worker to care for her. And to the PP who posted "we don't subscribe to gender stereotyping..." - I didn't decide to SAH because I felt it was my place as a woman! OMG, I fell madly in love with my DC and wanted to do the day in and day out 'job' of caring for her.

What????. You are a complete bitch. I went down to part time after a 5 month maternity leave with both children. I then worked at home with a great nanny that I could come down and see them whenever I wanted. My kids are now in elementary school and I see them the same exact number of hours as a SAHM. I finish work and then pick them up from school at 3:45. dH and I have a true partnership and no resentment or burden for $ or childcare is on one or the other. The funny thing is---I am the mom that goes on every field trip, volunteers a room mother, etc. very few of the SAHMs step up to the plate at our school.

[Anonymous]

21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmmm....we thought it was "absolutely unfair" to bring a child into the world and then leave her with a minimum wage worker to care for her. And to the PP who posted "we don't subscribe to gender stereotyping..." - I didn't decide to SAH because I felt it was my place as a woman! OMG, I fell madly in love with my DC and wanted to do the day in and day out 'job' of caring for her.

What????. You are a complete bitch. I went down to part time after a 5 month maternity leave with both children. I then worked at home with a great nanny that I could come down and see them whenever I wanted. My kids are now in elementary school and I see them the same exact number of hours as a SAHM. I finish work and then pick them up from school at 3:45. dH and I have a true partnership and no resentment or burden for $ or childcare is on one or the other. The funny thing is---I am the mom that goes on every field trip, volunteers a room mother, etc. very few of the SAHMs step up to the plate at our school.

Go for you, pat yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

Does she know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

Does she know?

I am sure she does. Its hard to have respect for her anymore. She is a shell of the person I married. No ambition and lazy now.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand sissy men who have a problem with providing for their family, and the emasculating women who support this. Women have their burdens to bear in life and so do men. Stop acting like it's some sort of shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand sissy men who have a problem with providing for their family, and the emasculating women who support this. Women have their burdens to bear in life and so do men. Stop acting like it's some sort of shock.

Huh? It's 2012. Women work. There are so many ways you can do this while maximizing time with your kids.

I can't stand women that retire in their 20s and expect a man to support them the rest of the way.

1950s----"men provide" you sound more like caveman era.

I bet you made your working husband get up at night with the baby even though he had to go out and "provide" for you the next day.

I am sure the women at his office are pretty appealing to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

Well, when you are deliberately insulting you may be disrespectful in ways you do not intend. You come across as an elitist bitch. I have been a SAHM and I did not find any of the posts insulting towards SAHM. I think your grasp of this discussion is weak and you are insecure about your choices. Tired of people being bitchy on this forum and thinking they are effectively "making a point."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

Well, when you are deliberately insulting you may be disrespectful in ways you do not intend. You come across as an elitist bitch. I have been a SAHM and I did not find any of the posts insulting towards SAHM. I think your grasp of this discussion is weak and you are insecure about your choices. Tired of people being bitchy on this forum and thinking they are effectively "making a point."

I haven't read through all the posts and know it is a touchy subject but I think if a couple is committed to having a parent stay home with the kids it should be on the table that either the dad or mom could stay home. You could also consider alternating, you have the under 5 years, he tries to be in a position/job to be home early when they are of school age and starts homework and dinner once you go back to work. It could be that you have a sitter and DH works from home two days, you work from home one day and you have family in the area to help out the other days. It could be that you have a part-time job on weekends or evenings so you are home during the day but still have a chance to work and DH gets his time with the kids as the adult in charge. Or maybe it is the flip where you are the primary but DH has the night or weekend job.

I think the assumption that it has to be the mom or that it gets locked in that there is no scenario under which DH would do things like make dinner, change a diaper, help the children with homework, spend time with the kids because he is off supporting the family is a throwback to the 50's. If you have made the decision after looking at all the possibilities that one spouse is going to have the high travel, demanding hours job (not saying every job that pays enough for someone to SAH in this area is like that, but going for the most difficult scenario), so the other can SAH and both parties willingly want this, how do you make sure you still have time for the non-SAH to develop a strong relationship with the kids, how do you find time together and time for yourself? How do you balance the one person not feeling the weight of the world as the breadwinner and the other spouse still be in a position to support him/herself should there be a job loss or pay cut, divorce, or death?