Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

This is important. Given how little govt support there is for early childcare in this country (no required parental leave, no subsidized childcare, employer-tied health insurance, little support for part/flex-time work options, etc.), I don't blame most families for having one parent stay at home while the children are too young to attend school. But once all the children are in school 6-8 hours a day, what do SAHMs do with that free time? Even cooking, cleaning and shopping would take no more than a couple of hours a day. Of course, you could make it d-r-a-g out artificially so that you spend 2 hours at Whole Foods, 2 hours prepping a 5 course meal, 3 hours doing laundry, etc...

If your partner is stressed out about finances and being the sole breadwinner in this economy, I think that SAHMs really need to look seriously into working, even if it's a position that seems "beneath" you. If you've been out for 3+ years, you are NOT going to end up in the same place where you left off.

[Anonymous]

If you have resentment about having to work you need to pursue another field or job. I don't find work a burden. Sure it is tiring with kids but I have never had any intention of giving up a career I worked hard for and that I find fulfilling, and that contributes to our family's financial security. I don't think you have to choose between career and being a mom. I think you can do both, but it does take a supportive partner IMO to step up to the plate and coparent with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

Well, when you are deliberately insulting you may be disrespectful in ways you do not intend. You come across as an elitist bitch. I have been a SAHM and I did not find any of the posts insulting towards SAHM. I think your grasp of this discussion is weak and you are insecure about your choices. Tired of people being bitchy on this forum and thinking they are effectively "making a point."

I know some families have no choice financially but for both parents to WOH, and I respect that. I also know that some families DO have a choice and both choose to WOH because it works for them and believe it or not, I respect that too. But my decision to SAH was a CHOICE, and one that I believe should be respected.

It is the glaring double standard that bothers me. Tell me, why is it OK to say things like "It is entirely UNFAIR to DH for me not to work!" but it is inflammatory to say "It is entirely UNFAIR to the kids for both parents to WOH!" What is the difference? Please, enlighten me. Why is perfectly OK to reference SAHMs as "bizarre", "1950's" and as "subscribing to gender stereotypes?"

When my first DC was born, I was in the very fortunate position to decide WHATEVER I wanted to. I have an excellent education, advanced degrees, enough money to have paid for full time care and still brought home a salary worth contributing - in the end, my personal desire to be home with my children while they are young trumped all. This was a decision fully supported by DH - if I had decided to WOH, he would have equally supported that. My being home, (he has often reminded me while thanking me for all that I do) makes his work life LESS stressful.

This is what works for our family and not because I am lazy, lack ambition or because I felt like this was my role as a woman. We haven't moved forward if women are still getting categorized/labeled/criticized for not making the "correct" choices of the day. And it goes BOTH ways.

[Anonymous]

I wish he made enough so that I could work part time.

No secret.

[Anonymous]

"It is the glaring double standard that bothers me. Tell me, why is it OK to say things like "It is entirely UNFAIR to DH for me not to work!" but it is inflammatory to say "It is entirely UNFAIR to the kids for both parents to WOH!" What is the difference? Please, enlighten me. Why is perfectly OK to reference SAHMs as "bizarre", "1950's" and as "subscribing to gender stereotypes?"

When my first DC was born, I was in the very fortunate position to decide WHATEVER I wanted to. I have an excellent education, advanced degrees, enough money to have paid for full time care and still brought home a salary worth contributing - in the end, my personal desire to be home with my children while they are young trumped all. This was a decision fully supported by DH - if I had decided to WOH, he would have equally supported that. My being home, (he has often reminded me while thanking me for all that I do) makes his work life LESS stressful.

This is what works for our family and not because I am lazy, lack ambition or because I felt like this was my role as a woman. We haven't moved forward if women are still getting categorized/labeled/criticized for not making the "correct" choices of the day. And it goes BOTH ways."

Ooookay, Donna Reed. What options did DH have if "it goes both ways"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

Does she know?

I am sure she does. Its hard to have respect for her anymore. She is a shell of the person I married. No ambition and lazy now.

You two should really talk about this. Sounds like a lot more going on than just life balance issues. If you don't respect her, what's left in the relationship? Work on repairing your marriage - or get out. Not doing anyone favors by sticking around and feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hmmm....we thought it was "absolutely unfair" to bring a child into the world and then leave her with a minimum wage worker to care for her. And to the PP who posted "we don't subscribe to gender stereotyping..." - I didn't decide to SAH because I felt it was my place as a woman! OMG, I fell madly in love with my DC and wanted to do the day in and day out 'job' of caring for her.

Why would you pay someone minimum wage to care for your child? We paid our nanny $16 an hour plus benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

Why is SAH so "hugely important"? Did you have a bad mom who WOH or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

I'm not domestic. I wouldn't add anything to the family if I SAH, and I get to do work in my trained field, get paid well and can outsource all the domestic crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent my wife for not going back to work once we got through baby/toddler stage. She nags after I put in a full 10 hour day and wants hours of alone time. The kids are in school all week. I need some down time on the weekends after 60 hour work weeks.

My DH would too. We both work full time and give each other down time. Seems a lot more fair to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand sissy men who have a problem with providing for their family, and the emasculating women who support this. Women have their burdens to bear in life and so do men. Stop acting like it's some sort of shock.

Yes, and they are the same burdens. I wasn't raised to cook, clean, do laundry and wipe mens' asses. I EARN my money. In fact, I outearn my DH so go suck rocks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not saying that - I am addressing PPs who clearly could stay home, but choose not to, and whose remarks are offensive to me as a SAHM. It is not the 1950s and my decision to SAH was not made mindlessly, according to our "roles" and a man and a woman. Smart, educated, "modern", even feminist women - still, some of us feel a calling to care for our own children. A parent being home with our children was a huge priority for both DH and I and he does not feel like I've abandoned him to support us all on his own any more than I feel like I am "subscribed" to my role.

Why is SAH so "hugely important"? Did you have a bad mom who WOH or something?

On the contrary, I had a wonderful mother (still do) who was (is) very present in my life. She worked on and off (at home and outside the home) and was very committed to volunteer work.

I, personally, don't think there is any substitute that comes close to a parent interaction with a child. And selfishly, I wanted to cherish every moment (I can already hear the groans, but its true, sorry.) Some will call it an "over glorification" of the role of a mother - but for me - well, I wouldn't trade the past 7 years for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:27, I don't equate people's worth with their income either. I was making a point with an inflammatory remark. I wrapped up a woman's decision to WOH in the most insulting way. Not because I really feel like WOHM are abandoning their children - but to serve as a rebuttal to the remarks made on this thread that seem to cast SAHM as backwards for making a choice to stay home.

My saying it is unfair to the kids to WOH - is like the PPs who said it is unfair to DH NOT to work. Casting WOH as selfish - like casting SAH as 1950s.....

Tyring to make a point is all.

I'm not domestic. I wouldn't add anything to the family if I SAH, and I get to do work in my trained field, get paid well and can outsource all the domestic crap.

I SAH, care for my children, and pay someone to do the "domestic crap" as you so eloquently put it, that I don't enjoy. I love to cook, though.

[Anonymous]

"I, personally, don't think there is any substitute that comes close to a parent interaction with a child. And selfishly, I wanted to cherish every moment (I can already hear the groans, but its true, sorry.) Some will call it an "over glorification" of the role of a mother - but for me - well, I wouldn't trade the past 7 years for anything. "

For the CHILD maybe, but I didn't even have my first child until I was 34 - there was, and is, a lot more going on in my life that would be gone if I'd SAH for 7 years. I cherished moments with my children more because they weren't 24/7.

[Anonymous]

"I SAH, care for my children, and pay someone to do the "domestic crap" as you so eloquently put it, that I don't enjoy. I love to cook, though. "

WOW - you not only don't work you don't even do all the SAH work? Amazing. You really feel you're pulling your weight around the house? Will you still feel that way once all the children are in full day school?