Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

Cautionary tale here. I desperately wanted to SAH and I really pushed for it with DH. He relented and we tried it. What I underestimated was the pressure and burden on him trying to make it work financially. I also neglected to see the impact that it was having on his health and personality. He resented me staying home and putting the burden on him and I resented him because he was not the same energetic, funny guy that I thought I married. What he really resented was that I changed the rules of the game AFTER the kids were here. It was not something we discussed heavily before DD1 was born, so we did not really prepare for it. We had a really rough time for 3-4 years.

Also, if a couple decides to put most of the financial burden on the DH (or breadwinning DW), the SAH should bear most of the child care/household burden – that’s the partnership aspect of it. IMO, a SAH cannot really complain because the WOH has worked a 10.5 hour day and won’t do night duty with a sick child

Agreed. Were you able to go back to work?

PP here. Yes, I eventually did get back to work. I am in the financial services industry and, before I SAH, I was mid-high management in a big company. After about 6 months of looking, I found a mid-high management position in a small, local outfit. I have been there about 14 months. Pay is quite a bit less, but there is some flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Cautionary tale here. I desperately wanted to SAH and I really pushed for it with DH. He relented and we tried it. What I underestimated was the pressure and burden on him trying to make it work financially. I also neglected to see the impact that it was having on his health and personality. He resented me staying home and putting the burden on him and I resented him because he was not the same energetic, funny guy that I thought I married. What he really resented was that I changed the rules of the game AFTER the kids were here. It was not something we discussed heavily before DD1 was born, so we did not really prepare for it. We had a really rough time for 3-4 years.

Also, if a couple decides to put most of the financial burden on the DH (or breadwinning DW), the SAH should bear most of the child care/household burden – that’s the partnership aspect of it. IMO, a SAH cannot really complain because the WOH has worked a 10.5 hour day and won’t do night duty with a sick child

Thanks for sharing. This is exactly what I think would happen if I SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.

I make what the first poster's DH makes $145k and I am not the primary breadwinner. DH makes much more than me--but I need to work. I never want the weight of the financial burden on one person. Plus_ I WAH with lots of flexibility. It's good to know I could support myself and my kids if anything happened to DH or our relationship. Yes- we do have tons of every type of insurance out there. I think of my job as a contingency. Plus-- having a J-O-B is a great excuse for me to get out of some of the domestic chores I can't stand. Anytime--he starts freaking about something I can say 'hey-- I have a job too". Cleaning lady is now justifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.

I make what the first poster's DH makes $145k and I am not the primary breadwinner. DH makes much more than me--but I need to work. I never want the weight of the financial burden on one person. Plus_ I WAH with lots of flexibility. It's good to know I could support myself and my kids if anything happened to DH or our relationship. Yes- we do have tons of every type of insurance out there. I think of my job as a contingency. Plus-- having a J-O-B is a great excuse for me to get out of some of the domestic chores I can't stand. Anytime--he starts freaking about something I can say 'hey-- I have a job too". Cleaning lady is now justifiable.

What kind of work do you do that allows you to WAH making that much money, if you don't mind my asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.

I make what the first poster's DH makes $145k and I am not the primary breadwinner. DH makes much more than me--but I need to work. I never want the weight of the financial burden on one person. Plus_ I WAH with lots of flexibility. It's good to know I could support myself and my kids if anything happened to DH or our relationship. Yes- we do have tons of every type of insurance out there. I think of my job as a contingency. Plus-- having a J-O-B is a great excuse for me to get out of some of the domestic chores I can't stand. Anytime--he starts freaking about something I can say 'hey-- I have a job too". Cleaning lady is now justifiable.

What kind of work do you do that allows you to WAH making that much money, if you don't mind my asking?

16 yrs as a Fed govt employee- GS-14-pretty high step at at an agency with complex pay scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.

I am one of the PPs, my DH works more hours than I do, has a longer commute, and only makes about $35K plus some commissions. As a teacher, I make more and have really good benefits, plus fewer hours and summers off. I totally resent that DH makes so little and I can't stay home full time with our DS. DH has an undergrad degree plus several hours towards a masters but has not found a job in his field. He currently works for a software company and will hopefully move up the ladder quickly so I can SAH. I hate that he is gone close to 12 hours a day and I have to do everything at home, plus WOH FT. He is never available to take DS to daycare or pick him up, he is not there when I feed DS or put him to bed at night. I am basically a single parent. DH works hard, though, and I love him. He is a good husband and father (at least, on the weekends), but I resent his lack of skills in the current economy - no one will hire him for a high payng job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the breadwinner too. I don't resent DH for not earning enough but I do resent how he spends what he earns. He just blows through it unless I nag him about saving.

this, definitely! He spends way more on himself than I do on myself - personal trainer, private tennis lessons, monthly haircuts and pretty much anything that strikes his fancy (expensive deoderants, books, clothes) - he probably makes enough to support himself only - my income is what pays for our overhead and savings. It drives me crazy, because I'm pretty good with money, and I don't deny myself, but I definitely think twice on what things cost and don't treat myself on a regular basis. Grrr.

Same here! I'm the breadwinner, and it is STRESSFUL! If I did not work, we couldn't even pay our whole mortgage and that is frightening to me. However, my husband is amazing with our baby, does all of the cooking, grocery shopping, daycare pick up and drop off, etc. So I think we have a pretty good system down, but I wish that he wasn't constantly spending money on stupid things (i.e. his home beer making hobby!), suggesting new electronic equipment for us to buy, etc.

[Anonymous]

I wish that we BOTH earned more so that we could live more comfortably.

[Anonymous]

Nope. My husband makes a very good salary. So do I. One of us could stay home, I suppose, but neither of us ever wanted to (I had long maternity leaves). We are a team; we have a great life, want for nothing, and our kids are happy. We don't subscribe to gender stereotyping.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I wish my wife had bigger tits sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wish my wife had bigger tits sometimes.

They sell those, you know.

[Anonymous]

Just the opposite here. My DH makes a ton of money. I stay a home and my kids are in middle school. I secretly resent all of the time he spends at the office. Money isn't everything.

why don't you get a job? or is that he works all the time, nights, weekends, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money are we talking here?

My DH makes 130-160K depending on the year and I could easily be a SAHM still afford 1st mortgage + rent and traveling several times per year. My coworker makes 100K and has a SAHW. He doesn't travel, but owns a house.

So are y'all really complaining about how much your husband makes or making sacrifices (i.e. Starbucks, haircuts, travel) to stay at home?

My DH makes $60K.

I make what the first poster's DH makes $145k and I am not the primary breadwinner. DH makes much more than me--but I need to work. I never want the weight of the financial burden on one person. Plus_ I WAH with lots of flexibility. It's good to know I could support myself and my kids if anything happened to DH or our relationship. Yes- we do have tons of every type of insurance out there. I think of my job as a contingency. Plus-- having a J-O-B is a great excuse for me to get out of some of the domestic chores I can't stand. Anytime--he starts freaking about something I can say 'hey-- I have a job too". Cleaning lady is now justifiable.

I am also a GS-14, work at home once per week (with flexibility for situational telework), with a husband who makes about 220k. Same reasons for working- I think it is absolutely unfair to put all the burden on my husband. What if he loses his job or gets hit by a bus?

[Anonymous]

hmmm....we thought it was "absolutely unfair" to bring a child into the world and then leave her with a minimum wage worker to care for her. And to the PP who posted "we don't subscribe to gender stereotyping..." - I didn't decide to SAH because I felt it was my place as a woman! OMG, I fell madly in love with my DC and wanted to do the day in and day out 'job' of caring for her.

[Anonymous]

So are you saying that people shouldn't have kids because they cannot afford to stay at home with them? Only couples who make enough money for one of the parents to stay at home should have kids?