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Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?
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Anonymous
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The posters who are telling OP to forgive as if nothing happened seem to be reading a different thread than I am reading.
I do however agree with the PP who said a different therapist may be in order. At some point, you've got to be able to live life w/o having to see a therapist once/twice a week for life -- I mean, isn't part of therapy learning coping strategies and learning when your past is leading to self-destructive behavior in the present? |
Anonymous
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OP again... And for the record I have been posting on DCUM for the past year about my family, especially in that thread about what is the worst thing your mother ever said. And also that thread awhile back about secrets. I detailed the abuse there as well, so I'm really sorry to disappoint the troll police, because my story is true. Or maybe I just planned this all along and it was an elaborate lie for an entire year building up to the wedding. Please don't quit your day jobs because you are not good detectives.
Everyone else- Your advice and shared experiences really helped me a lot, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to this thread. |
Anonymous
| OP hang in there. As you have no doubt learned, some wounds take much longer to heal than others. Someone once told me that we need to forgive (because that's how we protect ourselves from becoming increasingly dark and angry, and it's the only way we can heal) but there's no rule that says we ever need to forget, nor should we. Personally, 20 years later, I'm still working on the "forgive" part, so I'm sorry that I don't really have any answers for you. I know that when I finally get there, I'll finally be free of it though, I'll be happier, and I'll be the one who wins in the end. I wish that for me and for you, too. |
Anonymous
OP here... Thank you PP, I really needed to hear that. I know the forgiveness is for me, not my brother or mother. But I just don't know how to get there 
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Anonymous
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PS. In the meantime, your brother and the rest of your family can all go suck eggs as far away from you as possible. They're TOXIC and you DON'T NEED THEM. STAY FAR AWAY.
Signed, PP |
Anonymous
| did you call the police after the beating when he was 27? how did that episode end? |
Anonymous
| I didn't call the police, truthfully I never even thought to call them. To me it was somehow 'normal' that he would hit me, he had been doing it pretty much my whole life. 12 years have passed since then, and if anyone hit me today I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. That's a really good question, why didn't I call the police?!! After he was finished hitting me, he just left my Mom's house and we didn't talk for a couple years. |
Anonymous
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NP here. OP if I were you I would change my name and number and never be in touch with any of them again.
And all the people who say he has changed - They don't LIVE with him. If he's still abusive the only way to know it is to live with him. His fiancee will find out if he is or isn't abusive soon enough. The real guilty party here is BOTH your parents for allowing this to continue as long as it did. I would write them all off. Make some new friends, make a new family of good people who care about you and are kind. |
Anonymous
OP, I'm the poster who called you out for trolling. I didn't think you were totally fake, but I did think maybe you kept adding layers of "sins" from your family that were not in your initial post because you didn't get the advice / feedback you were looking for. I think saying "my brother made my childhood miserable," then clarifying that your parents said "he is different as an adult" gives a very strong impression that there was significant abuse (he beat you up almost every day) but that it was confined to childhood. Then you add a few details about the encounters, making them a little bit worse each time (at one point you said that he was 6 foot something at 14 years old, which is why it was so bad, then when that didn't get the response you wanted you added that he beat you at age 27). If this were all true, why would you not have laid out these details initially? If OP had posted from the beginning that her adult brother beat her up several times and now she does not want to go to the wedding, I imagine that the "don't go" replies would have been fairly universal. So by all means, if this story is true, then don't go. But as someone who has been abused in childhood myself, I think sometimes it is easy to substitute a really easy-to-describe bit of abuse for something more complex and harder to spell out. Maybe the beatings were so severe as a child that you feel it's impossible to convey here so you use adult-on-adult beating as a substitute because you see it as an offense on even par with what really happened. I'm not you, not in your shoes. Only you and your family know what really happened. But I think at almost 40, you need to be able to live your life for yourself now. i'm a huge believer in taking control of one's own destiny. If you were powerless in your mid-20's for some reason, okay. But why are you powerless now? In the scenario you described, anyone in her right mind would skip the wedding unless there was serious proof of a change of life moment or healing of your other family members. But since you are so torn, and leaning so heavily as the job-conflict as excuse, I suspect that the truth is that you're exaggerating. I'm not saying this to be hurtful. It's just a guess and maybe I am wrong. But if I am right, it is possible that you can make some great strides by treating this abuse / dysfunction as the complex situation that it is. In any event, if your mother is as you say she is, your brother has damage too. In any case, the original question you asked is what people are responding to. In the future, if you want the best advice, don't leave out really huge details until page 3 or 5 of a thread. It just makes you look like you're adding fake details to make the other party look worse when you don't get the feedback you want. Sorry, just my view. Good luck with everything. |
Anonymous
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I was advising to go to the wedding as well - but if he was literally beating you (no self defense, no possible justification such as he was actually simply holding you down to keep you from hurting yourself, etc.) and punching you when he was 27 then sure, that is horrible and you should never speak to them again unless and until he apologizes and begs forgiveness. His ass should be in jail if that is true.
Only you know the truth, and I have no reason (like the PP above) to question your truthfulness. So for me, him beating you in his late 20s is WAY different than him hitting you when he was in his young or mid teens. That is the act of an adult. If this were mutual fights that happened when the both of you were 10-14, I'd say forgive and forget. |
Anonymous
Smart ass! Thanks for the laugh, however. |
Anonymous
This is the most intelligent and thoughtful post on this thread. Thank you! |
Anonymous
reminds me of my sister, who has issues, assuming I would remember all of this terrible abuse from our mother. She seemed incredulous that I didn't share those memories at all. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have no inclination to shuffle through the bickering I'm sure is contained on the last 7 pages. I'd miss the wedding. I'm going to miss my brothers wedding as well.
My circumstances are different. My brother has some sort of mood disorder (possible bi-polar or "explosive" personality disorder). He always has some sort of hate laden outburst at someone. Currently he has had an outburst at me. I'm DONE. His wedding is this Saturday and I'm not going. I have children, a family, and a busy job. I have no time, patience, or desire to tolerate his verbal abuse any longer. Also, I'm sure his fiancé, once she finds some self-esteem will leave him one day anyways. Considering a split of those two is inevitable, why bother? My family too is in an outrage over it, but seriously I don't give a crap. I'm very comfortable with my decision. My brother will never apologize for his actions and will always remain the eternal victim. I can't deal with his mental illness, I'm focused on my family and he does not fit into that equation. I'm not worried what my mom thinks. She is an enabler and deals with his abuse. I think she is nuts too for putting up with his juvenile behavior, but I will have none of it. He’s a loser and if he were not my brother, I would NEVER have any sort of interaction with him. I’m too old and intolerant for him any longer. |
Anonymous
| When you're sick, you look for treatment and you try to avoid imposing on people. Why should mental illness be an exemption? |