Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

OP here- I have had YEARS of therapy about this... YEARS!!! My therapist actually suggested I not speak to my Mom for the entire first year of my therapy (I went twice a week) because she said the relationship was so toxic, I needed to heal and work things out without the constant drama. Through therapy I changed, but no one else did. I now keep my distance from everyone, but people think I'm the one with the problem now. I don't really care, my friends have always been my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I have had YEARS of therapy about this... YEARS!!! My therapist actually suggested I not speak to my Mom for the entire first year of my therapy (I went twice a week) because she said the relationship was so toxic, I needed to heal and work things out without the constant drama. Through therapy I changed, but no one else did. I now keep my distance from everyone, but people think I'm the one with the problem now. I don't really care, my friends have always been my family.

yeah, I think you clearly have some serious issues. you could be completely in the right, or maybe others memories are different. I think you owe it to your brother to talk it out, and not cowardly blame it on your job. Obviously any job would understand if you had to travel on a weekend for a brother's wedding. give me a break. don't blame this on a job with the drama about "quitting". absurd drama queen stuff. you are going to regret this when you are older and have no family, and regret this when your kids have no cousins. you could easily develop a great relationship with your new sister-in-law (who thinks family comes first, and she is right). you could have awesome life-long relationships with your future nieces and nephews. grow up a little and forgive a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I have had YEARS of therapy about this... YEARS!!! My therapist actually suggested I not speak to my Mom for the entire first year of my therapy (I went twice a week) because she said the relationship was so toxic, I needed to heal and work things out without the constant drama. Through therapy I changed, but no one else did. I now keep my distance from everyone, but people think I'm the one with the problem now. I don't really care, my friends have always been my family.

yeah, I think you clearly have some serious issues. you could be completely in the right, or maybe others memories are different. I think you owe it to your brother to talk it out, and not cowardly blame it on your job. Obviously any job would understand if you had to travel on a weekend for a brother's wedding. give me a break. don't blame this on a job with the drama about "quitting". absurd drama queen stuff. you are going to regret this when you are older and have no family, and regret this when your kids have no cousins. you could easily develop a great relationship with your new sister-in-law (who thinks family comes first, and she is right). you could have awesome life-long relationships with your future nieces and nephews. grow up a little and forgive a little.

Family does not come first when your family is toxic. It sounds like you are the one who needs to "grow up" and realize that not all families are created equal.

[Anonymous]

OP Here... Thank you, PP! I hate that blanket statement that family comes first. Because actually when your family is toxic is doesn't and shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to ask what did you do to him to cause this behavior?

I always fought with my brother growing up and I teased him until he lost control. I was horrible to him - I know there's no excuse to violence... but my point here is that each of you have a role in this relationship.

If you feel like straighten this up this is your chance.

BTW, once it got seriously physical I moved out. It was always more about emotional abuse.

FF a few years and now we both have our families and we talk every once in a while through FB. I talk more to his wife though.

Bullshit! This is the same as blaming the woman because her husband beats her. "What did you do to make him lose control"? Some people are just mean and OP's brother sounds like this was his problem. He needs to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness.

Agree. At least a wife whose husband beats her has the advantage of being an adult, with an adult's mindset and an adult's (theoretical) autonomy. May not always count for much, but it's more than a child has to defend him/herself against a larger, stronger family member. Especially when the parents won't protect that child. The fact that the parents in this situation wouldn't, well, parent, would have seriously undermined the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Your big mistake, OP, was in telling your mom that a work trip came up.

You could have bowed out of this wedding far more gracefully if you hadn't told her why.

As for the wedding: you don't have to go (but you should). It will affect your relationship with your family. They will get over it (I had something similar happen... it took a while but they forgave me). I would not mix up family stuff and your parent's failure into this event. It is a happy event for your brother and he should have that. Go, smile, and then go home.

If you don't go:
Be gracious, contact your bro and SIL directly. Act like a grown-up and accept that some will be disappointed. Your SIL probably has no idea why there's an estrangement, and you didn't come off smelling like a rose when you ignored her email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE: OP here... As usual, my Mom decided to create drama and drunk-dialed he bride to tell her I'm not going to the wedding. I hadn't even made my final decision, so that's awesome. I didn't even get to tell them myself!!! This just furthers my feelings that I just want to stay as far away as possible. Them my Mom forwarded me an email from the bride where she said family should come first and that I should work something out with my Boss because it's my only siblings wedding........... I guess my brother has failed to mention to his bride about the times he used to kick me in the head when he was mad or just punch me for no reason when he'd pass me in the hallway. I am actually really mad now and just want to stay away from all of them. I HAVE A JOB, really do they expect me to just quit it and go to the wedding? I'm sure I could work something out with my Boss, but frankly the thought of spending 6-8 hours with my crazy family gives me extreme anxiety. And I just don't want to go. I also don't feel like pretending to be happy and care about his wedding, because I just don't. My brother didn't care when I'd hide in the bathroom for 2-3 hours because it had a locked door just get away from him. He also didn't care that I used the money from my first paper route to buy a lock for my bedroom door to get away from in. So they can all just f*ck off now, I'm not going and I actually feel fantastic about it now. Thank you for all the replies, it really helped me a lot!!

Don't go, OP, just don't. If everything occurred as you report, you need to distance yourself from your family. Provide minimal, polite, non-confrontational explanations, if any. Work on your therapy, work on your job, work on being healthy and happy. Sounds like your family is very aware they're in the wrong, and very anxious to project all of that guilt onto you. Don't let them do that to you.

[Anonymous]

Do not go!

[Anonymous]

amazingly bad advice. of COURSE you go to your brother's wedding and try to salvage the relationship. Become close with your new sister-in-law. you don't dwell on things that happened when both were little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:amazingly bad advice. of COURSE you go to your brother's wedding and try to salvage the relationship. Become close with your new sister-in-law. you don't dwell on things that happened when both were little kids.

Weddings aren't really the time to work on salvaging relationships with the groom or building closer relationships with the bride. The bride and groom are generally pretty busy that day and focused on the wedding - not family issues.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I think it will be obvious to them that you could go if you wanted to. If your brother thinks about it he'll know that his behavior and your mom's is the reason you don't want to be there. I bet that your mom and brother rely on you to be the good, forgiving one. It's time to look out for you. If they don't care enough to apologize for their behavior for the past 20 years then it's on them.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE: OP here... As usual, my Mom decided to create drama and drunk-dialed he bride to tell her I'm not going to the wedding. I hadn't even made my final decision, so that's awesome. I didn't even get to tell them myself!!! This just furthers my feelings that I just want to stay as far away as possible. Them my Mom forwarded me an email from the bride where she said family should come first and that I should work something out with my Boss because it's my only siblings wedding........... I guess my brother has failed to mention to his bride about the times he used to kick me in the head when he was mad or just punch me for no reason when he'd pass me in the hallway. I am actually really mad now and just want to stay away from all of them. I HAVE A JOB, really do they expect me to just quit it and go to the wedding? I'm sure I could work something out with my Boss, but frankly the thought of spending 6-8 hours with my crazy family gives me extreme anxiety. And I just don't want to go. I also don't feel like pretending to be happy and care about his wedding, because I just don't. My brother didn't care when I'd hide in the bathroom for 2-3 hours because it had a locked door just get away from him. He also didn't care that I used the money from my first paper route to buy a lock for my bedroom door to get away from in. So they can all just f*ck off now, I'm not going and I actually feel fantastic about it now. Thank you for all the replies, it really helped me a lot!!

Don't go, OP, just don't. If everything occurred as you report, you need to distance yourself from your family. Provide minimal, polite, non-confrontational explanations, if any. Work on your therapy, work on your job, work on being healthy and happy. Sounds like your family is very aware they're in the wrong, and very anxious to project all of that guilt onto you. Don't let them do that to you.

OP, I posted earlier about having the sister who hated me because I came along and took her place as baby of family. One day when I was seven years old she (13 yrs. old) beat me the entire day and I hid in the bathroom, as well. I hid behind bushes in the backyard and she found me and still beat me. Our mother died when I was four and she also blamed me for this, once even telling me that if I hadn't been born, she wouldn't have died.

My father had remarried and my step mother didn't think it was her place to step in and stop my sister. She did, however, tell my father when he came home that evening and he told me to let him know if she ever touched me again. He also told her that if she ever touched me again, he would beat her the way she beat me. I had to be taken to the hospital a couple of days later because one of the welts blistered and became infected.

Anyway, on the day she beat me, my stepmother was preparing dinner and I knew there was some rat poison in the cabinet under the sink and I had decided that when the kitchen was empty, I was going to dip my sister's fork in the rat poison because the only way that I would think of to make her stop beating me was for her to die. Luckily, I suppose, my stepmother never left the kitchen. How on earth can your own sister treat you so badly that a 7-yr old would consider murder to stop the pain?

She still continued to take out all her anger and hate on me, sometimes with beatings, and I never told on her, but there were adults (not my father) who could have stopped her and I still do not undertand why they didn't.

After she went away to college instead of physical beatings she used her rapier sharp tongue. Years later she got "religion" and asked me to "forgive her." I did, or at least I have tried, but I never want to see her again and we have no contact.

I understand you and I do not think anything good for you can come out of attending his wedding. I have felt free since I made the decision that I never want to see or hear from her again. I wish you the very best and I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

OP again... 19:01, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It honestly just made me tear up readding your story.

I honestly think my brother just doesn't get it. He blames me for being a tattle tale and that is his memory of our childhood. No remorse whatsoever for beating the shit out of me or making my life miserable. My mom is a crazy person, so I don't really feel bad not having to spend a day with the either one of them. I'm at the age where I'm done being around toxic people and toxic situations. My life is so much happier after I have a huge blow up with my Mom and we don't speak for months. She truly makes my life miserable and the fact that she will never acknowledge how much my brother has hurt me just makes me even angrier. I am a happier person without them in my life.

I sent the bride a very nice long email explaining my regrets. I had wanted to mail her a nice card and call her, but since my Mom already created drama by telling her, I had to send my regrets quickly. Truthfully I am glad I don't have to be there, this is a huge relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again... 19:01, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It honestly just made me tear up readding your story.

I honestly think my brother just doesn't get it. He blames me for being a tattle tale and that is his memory of our childhood. No remorse whatsoever for beating the shit out of me or making my life miserable. My mom is a crazy person, so I don't really feel bad not having to spend a day with the either one of them. I'm at the age where I'm done being around toxic people and toxic situations. My life is so much happier after I have a huge blow up with my Mom and we don't speak for months. She truly makes my life miserable and the fact that she will never acknowledge how much my brother has hurt me just makes me even angrier. I am a happier person without them in my life.

I sent the bride a very nice long email explaining my regrets. I had wanted to mail her a nice card and call her, but since my Mom already created drama by telling her, I had to send my regrets quickly. Truthfully I am glad I don't have to be there, this is a huge relief.

kids fight. that is not abuse. you have other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again... 19:01, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It honestly just made me tear up readding your story.

I honestly think my brother just doesn't get it. He blames me for being a tattle tale and that is his memory of our childhood. No remorse whatsoever for beating the shit out of me or making my life miserable. My mom is a crazy person, so I don't really feel bad not having to spend a day with the either one of them. I'm at the age where I'm done being around toxic people and toxic situations. My life is so much happier after I have a huge blow up with my Mom and we don't speak for months. She truly makes my life miserable and the fact that she will never acknowledge how much my brother has hurt me just makes me even angrier. I am a happier person without them in my life.

I sent the bride a very nice long email explaining my regrets. I had wanted to mail her a nice card and call her, but since my Mom already created drama by telling her, I had to send my regrets quickly. Truthfully I am glad I don't have to be there, this is a huge relief.

kids fight. that is not abuse. you have other issues.

::bangs head against keyboard::

I'm not the OP, but are you dense?