Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are not close, he basically made my childhood and absolute misery, and although he is nicer in his 30's we only speak a few times a year. He used to hit me almost every day and my parents never did anything about it. I moved away from home 11 years ago and only visit once a year (if that) for Xmas. We live 1500 mikes away from eachother, he has never visited and never calls me. He is always pleasant if I call him, but never makes any effort to be in my life. I have never met his fiancé.

I already had my flight for the wedding, but now an important work trip has come up and I need to travel. This will mean I will miss the wedding, and truthfully I am relieved because I did not want to be there anyways. My mom says this is a "tragedy" I will regret for the rest of my life. I already have no relationship with my brother, how could it possibly get any worse? I don't feel like jeopardizing my job for someone I don't even particularly care about, and who (if roles were reversed) certainly wouldn't risk his job to come to my wedding.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Sorry for all the typos!!

[Anonymous]

Send a gift and apologies for your absence.
I would explain quite calmly, both to him and your parents, why you bear resentment towards all of them. They need to know. Especially your brother, so that he can nip any hitting in the bud for his future children.

[Anonymous]

Send a gift and your regrets. Maybe you should tell your mom that the "tragedy" is that she stood by while your brother beat the crap out of you every day.

[Anonymous]

I would confront my mother as to why she didn't protect you while you were growing up.

And I'd miss the wedding with no hesitation.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the advice, PP. I already bought a very nice gift on the registry because I really did plan to attend the wedding.

His fiancé emailed me a couple weeks ago asking for funny stories from our childhood for the MC at the wedding. I didn't even reply because I couldn't think of any. I couldn't even think one one fun memory. The memory that stands out the most is him being 6'4 and 250 pounds, and me being 5'3 and 110, and being strangled on the stairs or having a dining room chair thrown at my head. My parents say he is different as an adult, but after all those years of abuse I don't care how he has grown into a nice person, and I don't feel that bad missing the wedding. But would appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

*Thank you for the advice, PPs (plural!). I was typing and just got all your replies. I feel a lot better about this now. Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say Congrats! on being free of the obligation to go to this wedding.

I once had to go to an event where we were to receive a "Happy Family" award. Literally. We had to go up on stage and it still haunts me.

Remember Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? How Big Daddy references the mendacity that's stinking up the place?

Yeah. That.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice, PP. I already bought a very nice gift on the registry because I really did plan to attend the wedding.

His fiancé emailed me a couple weeks ago asking for funny stories from our childhood for the MC at the wedding. I didn't even reply because I couldn't think of any. I couldn't even think one one fun memory. The memory that stands out the most is him being 6'4 and 250 pounds, and me being 5'3 and 110, and being strangled on the stairs or having a dining room chair thrown at my head. My parents say he is different as an adult, but after all those years of abuse I don't care how he has grown into a nice person, and I don't feel that bad missing the wedding. But would appreciate any advice.

From your first post, I was thinking, "Suck it up, it's one day" and that you were bearing a grudge, but geez, if your parents couldn't discipline your brother (were they scared of him?) then they made a bad situation worse. Any reason you didn't file charges against the guy?

[Anonymous]

grow up, tell him the two of you need to get over things. Put it this way look down the road someday, let's say the day of the wedding, you will be somewhere more important than family and feel really shitty for missing it. It will happen. Then as your brother realizes he was an ass and starts a family he may grow to appreciate you, I am sure it was "all" his fault that he was mean.

Get over it, bury the hatchet and move on, if you didn’t care you would not have posted But please report back on the wedding day how you feel

[Anonymous]

Have a brother who was similar growing up. Ended up in the hospital after one of his attacks but not much was done about it - its a long story that I won't go into. There is NO WAY IN HELL I would attend his wedding. To this day I have very limit contact with him. In your case it sounds like your brother grew out of it but the hurt is still there. You've gotten the gift, send that a card and go on your business trip. You'll be happier and he won't miss you. If you do feel like you want to build a relationship with him I would suggest therapy first to ensure your boundaries and feelings are addressed. My therapist recommends I keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I'd attend the wedding even if I *didn't* have a conflict. It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship, and he may or may not care whether you're there or not. He sounds like he was a horrible person back then, and unless he's actually apologized and made amends to you since then, he's probably not all that nice now either. That is some serious abuse, and it bothers me immensely that your parents did nothing to stop it. I think they're probably assholes too, frankly.

As for the wedding, your parents may be more worried about how it looks to other people that you're not there, rather than whether you're actually there. Or they are in deep, deep denial about your childhood with your brother. You have the rest of your lives to work on the relationship with your brother if you wish to do so; I'm not sure one day would do much toward that aim.

Send the gift and have absolutely no guilt about not going.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with all the "bury the hatchet and move on, get over it" posts. If you WANT to do that, great, but you are under no obligation and you don't owe your brother anything, including your attendance at his wedding. Once we become adults, staying in any kind of relationship with family members becomes a choice, and you don't have to "suck it up" for anyone's sake but your own. If you are having difficulty moving past the hurt, yes, I agree that therapy would be a good idea but not for the sake of reconciling with your brother, for the sake of reconciling with yourself.

[Anonymous]

how old are you? late 20s or early 30s? I think you should go to the wedding and try to reconcile. A sibling is a BIG DEAL. Once your parents are gone you will have no family left. what he did as a child is forgivable.