Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why were you skipping school and why do you fight with your mom and brother so much? are you married now? do you have repeated trouble like this in all of your relationships?

GO THE F--K AWAY (and I am not OP).

Seconded and motion carried.

[Anonymous]

Not mentioned yet, but you might want to be straightforward with the brother's fiancé. If he is still the type to beat/ be abusive, you may want to give her a heads up - even if she does not want to believe you. And if he has changed and is not abusive, then he should be able to explain it to her, and make peace with you.

I agree with pp who said not tomhide behind a work excuse. That is not honest.

[Anonymous]

anyone who is blaming the OP and telling her to "just forgive" is incredibly naive and stupid. OP, please for the love of God ignore them.

honestly i'd cut them off completely and say exactly why i'm not going to the wedding and have no desire to see any of them again. you don't need that. really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not mentioned yet, but you might want to be straightforward with the brother's fiancé. If he is still the type to beat/ be abusive, you may want to give her a heads up - even if she does not want to believe you. And if he has changed and is not abusive, then he should be able to explain it to her, and make peace with you.

I agree with pp who said not tomhide behind a work excuse. That is not honest.

OP, do not involve the fiance. You will come off looking like the bad guy. Just send your regrets and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Thank you for your replies!!

To answer a few questions: My parents were workaholics, basically from the age of ten (me) and twelve (brother) we had very limited adult supervision. My dad travelled all the time for work, and my mom was and still is an alcoholic so she was never any help. My dad would always stand up for me when he was home- always. But he was rarely home, worked 14 hr days when he wasn't travelling. My brother was over 6 feet and 200 pounds by the time he was 14/15, so there wasn't much my mom could do- That's what she says.

I wasn't any more annoying than any other sister, I was a tattle tale my brother will say, but that's because he was constantly hitting me so I would tell my Dad. I was very close with my Dad, my brother wasn't. Sibling rivalry, and since I was much smaller I obviously didn't try to provoke him. This was not my fault, I didn't ask to be put in headlocks and be punched in the head.

My brother has never really apologized. Five years ago at Xmas he gave me a very nice gift and laughed that it was for all those years being a bad brother. I guess that was his apology? I'd rather a sincere apology, but whatever.

He makes zero effort to be a part of my life. I have tried, but we do not connect.

I'm going to email the fiancé back and tell her I don't really have any stories (but leave it at that) and wish her well. From what I've heard she's an extremely nice person, and everyone says how my brother has changed, but he still hasn't said he's sorry or tried to make amends.

Sorry in advance for the typos, I just wrote all this on my phone.

OP, (I think it was you who later clarified) but just checking - did you later say your brother beat you when he was 27? If so, this conflicts with the groundwork you laid down here and when you discussed your parents reactions "he is not like that as an adult." How old are you? How old is your brother? Something about your post is making my BS detector go off. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP -

Your brother's wedding is just not the time to have it out with your family over the past, however awful. Go or don't go, but don't make his wedding about you. His fiance deserves better.

[Anonymous]

I think we have the same brother! Mine was very nasty to me all of my life. The last time he laid a finger on me, was when I was 18. He almost killed me, while my stepdad sat close by watching, and my mother blamed me for everything. My brother was a golden boy, and a suck up, so everyone excused his abuse towards me. I am sorry you went through what you did. And I would not go to his wedding. My darling brother did not even invite me to his. My brother has mellowed out a lot, and now he has a son and daughter. I get a long with him very well when we are together, but he never contacts me, we talk through my mother. But don't waste precious time worrying about this one!!

[Anonymous]

OP, (I think it was you who later clarified) but just checking - did you later say your brother beat you when he was 27? If so, this conflicts with the groundwork you laid down here and when you discussed your parents reactions "he is not like that as an adult." How old are you? How old is your brother? Something about your post is making my BS detector go off. I'm sorry.

Geez, just because she isn't quite perfect at details, (perhaps she does not want to get detected on here) does not mean she is lying. I have read her posts, and they sound pretty damn real to me. The only BS I smell is coming from you. Maybe you can volunteer for a fact checking organization so you can utilize your free time better.

[Anonymous]

Send the present and your regrets and that's it. Reply to the fiance's email, tell her that unfortunately you can't help her but hopefully someone else can.

Just in case you need it, I recommend the book Healing for Damaged Emotions. It helps me survive family gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, (I think it was you who later clarified) but just checking - did you later say your brother beat you when he was 27? If so, this conflicts with the groundwork you laid down here and when you discussed your parents reactions "he is not like that as an adult." How old are you? How old is your brother? Something about your post is making my BS detector go off. I'm sorry.

Geez, just because she isn't quite perfect at details, (perhaps she does not want to get detected on here) does not mean she is lying. I have read her posts, and they sound pretty damn real to me. The only BS I smell is coming from you. Maybe you can volunteer for a fact checking organization so you can utilize your free time better.

I agree with the PP that it just doesn't add up. If the brother was truly savagely beating her when he was 27, then he should be in jail. But she said before that the brother gave her a christmas present 5 years ago while joking about their fights during childhood. I thought elsewhere in the thread she implied she and her brother were in their early 30s. So he beat her during the same visit when he gave her the christmas present joking about their childhood? Clearly a dysfunctional family, but would need to hear all sides before I issue a verdict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the PP that it just doesn't add up. If the brother was truly savagely beating her when he was 27, then he should be in jail. But she said before that the brother gave her a christmas present 5 years ago while joking about their fights during childhood. I thought elsewhere in the thread she implied she and her brother were in their early 30s. So he beat her during the same visit when he gave her the christmas present joking about their childhood? Clearly a dysfunctional family, but would need to hear all sides before I issue a verdict.

Thank you, PP. I'm the one who called BS. I didn't have the energy to try to string together all of the discrepancies in this thread. Yes, exactly. Is this brother now 50 and getting married? Because how old do you have to be to consider a savage beating at almost 30 to be a bad brother "during childhood?"

If OP isreal, I think OP's brother used to slap her around when they were both children; she is inflating it here because she didn't get the universal condemnation of him and hall pass on his wedding that she expected when she first laid out her story. OP, if you don't want to go to his wedding, don't go. you don't have to convince him or a group of strangers of why you're making the right decision. Do what's right for you. But we do get that you're fudging some things here, and it makes me think you really do need to get yourself sorted. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don't think 00:00 who mentions the brother attacking her at age 27 is the OP. That poster writes about not speaking to her family and OP is obviously in touch with at least a few members of her family.

OP has identified herself as OP in each posting. I have no problem believing her story and I don't think that 00:00 is her. I could be wrong!

[Anonymous]

How can your brother get married if he's missing?

[Anonymous]

OP, good luck. Stay away from the wedding, your toxic family, and out of contact with all of them and all of the drama. If I were you, I'd give it until Christmas. Send out whatever cards and gifts you normally would, mentioning none of this. Don't even dignify any of this further with a conversation. They know how you feel and your mother has already tried to manipulate you by calling your brother's fiancé to tell her about your decision not to attend the wedding before you had even reached a conclusion. The way to end it is to stop giving them anything to work with. Finally they'll get tired with the one-way conversation. If not, at least you won't have to hear it. Either way, you win and get to move on. You deserve better. They've beaten you up long enough, both figuratively and physically. Time to make it stop.

[Anonymous]

OP here... Yes I am real, seriously why does everyone always pull the troll card. My brother is now 39 years old, and I'm 37... So yes, when he was 27 he was 'younger'. After that last fight I moved away to another state so since then I have only seen him once a year for Xmas, and my visits are brief so I have no idea who he is today. My friends back home say he is different, I only ever see him maybe a total of 12 hours per year.

Thank you to everyone else for the advice, it is much appreciated. I'm not going to say anything to the fiancé, that will just make me look crazy. I emailed her my regrets, she never replied. So that's that.