Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to ask what did you do to him to cause this behavior?

I always fought with my brother growing up and I teased him until he lost control. I was horrible to him - I know there's no excuse to violence... but my point here is that each of you have a role in this relationship.

If you feel like straighten this up this is your chance.

BTW, once it got seriously physical I moved out. It was always more about emotional abuse.

FF a few years and now we both have our families and we talk every once in a while through FB. I talk more to his wife though.

Bullshit! This is the same as blaming the woman because her husband beats her. "What did you do to make him lose control"? Some people are just mean and OP's brother sounds like this was his problem. He needs to apologize to her and beg her forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice, PP. I already bought a very nice gift on the registry because I really did plan to attend the wedding.

His fiancé emailed me a couple weeks ago asking for funny stories from our childhood for the MC at the wedding. I didn't even reply because I couldn't think of any. I couldn't even think one one fun memory. The memory that stands out the most is him being 6'4 and 250 pounds, and me being 5'3 and 110, and being strangled on the stairs or having a dining room chair thrown at my head. My parents say he is different as an adult, but after all those years of abuse I don't care how he has grown into a nice person, and I don't feel that bad missing the wedding. But would appreciate any advice.

Maybe it's time to share this memory and give his fiancee a tip on what she might be marrying.

[Anonymous]

so, i was a pretty horrible older sister to my little brother all through childhood - not very much physical abuse (except for once when i kicked him in the balls), but certainly lots of taunting and teasing (i pulled his pants down in front of a bunch of our friends) of someone who was 6 years my junior. my parents sort of tried to intervene, but they thought i was pretty hopeless and very mean and let me know - and that riled me up even more. i wish they had sat down and said "this hurts your brother's feelings" instead of "you're horrible for doing that to him." i am thoroughly ashamed of my behavior, but its hard to apologize for things in childhood. i once wrote him a latter when he graduated from college obliquely mentioning the abuse and saying that i hoped that my being rough on him helped him be kind to others (b/c he knew how it was to be treated badly). after that, i tried very hard to be his friend, because he is my brother and i do love him dearly, and i know that nothing can erase having a sibling hurt you in your childhood.

when i look back. all i can say for my behavior is that i was being bullied in school a lot and i think i took it out on him.

i was really really horrible. and i'm really really grateful my brother came to my wedding.

not saying you should go, but saying maybe he has deep felings about what happened and can't say them.

[Anonymous]

OP here... Thank you for your replies!!

To answer a few questions: My parents were workaholics, basically from the age of ten (me) and twelve (brother) we had very limited adult supervision. My dad travelled all the time for work, and my mom was and still is an alcoholic so she was never any help. My dad would always stand up for me when he was home- always. But he was rarely home, worked 14 hr days when he wasn't travelling. My brother was over 6 feet and 200 pounds by the time he was 14/15, so there wasn't much my mom could do- That's what she says.

I wasn't any more annoying than any other sister, I was a tattle tale my brother will say, but that's because he was constantly hitting me so I would tell my Dad. I was very close with my Dad, my brother wasn't. Sibling rivalry, and since I was much smaller I obviously didn't try to provoke him. This was not my fault, I didn't ask to be put in headlocks and be punched in the head.

My brother has never really apologized. Five years ago at Xmas he gave me a very nice gift and laughed that it was for all those years being a bad brother. I guess that was his apology? I'd rather a sincere apology, but whatever.

He makes zero effort to be a part of my life. I have tried, but we do not connect.

I'm going to email the fiancé back and tell her I don't really have any stories (but leave it at that) and wish her well. From what I've heard she's an extremely nice person, and everyone says how my brother has changed, but he still hasn't said he's sorry or tried to make amends.

Sorry in advance for the typos, I just wrote all this on my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how old are you? late 20s or early 30s? I think you should go to the wedding and try to reconcile. A sibling is a BIG DEAL. Once your parents are gone you will have no family left. what he did as a child is forgivable.

Yes, and abuse is a big deal, too. I am sorry, OP. For the record, I think you are doing the right thing by not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so, i was a pretty horrible older sister to my little brother all through childhood - not very much physical abuse (except for once when i kicked him in the balls), but certainly lots of taunting and teasing (i pulled his pants down in front of a bunch of our friends) of someone who was 6 years my junior. my parents sort of tried to intervene, but they thought i was pretty hopeless and very mean and let me know - and that riled me up even more. i wish they had sat down and said "this hurts your brother's feelings" instead of "you're horrible for doing that to him." i am thoroughly ashamed of my behavior, but its hard to apologize for things in childhood. i once wrote him a latter when he graduated from college obliquely mentioning the abuse and saying that i hoped that my being rough on him helped him be kind to others (b/c he knew how it was to be treated badly). after that, i tried very hard to be his friend, because he is my brother and i do love him dearly, and i know that nothing can erase having a sibling hurt you in your childhood.

when i look back. all i can say for my behavior is that i was being bullied in school a lot and i think i took it out on him.

i was really really horrible. and i'm really really grateful my brother came to my wedding.

not saying you should go, but saying maybe he has deep felings about what happened and can't say them.

You're a real trip. You had the nerve to write to him and say that your cruelty should have taught him to be kind to others because he knew what it was like to be traumitized, terrorized, humiliated, etc." Apparently, you didn't learn anything about kindness when you were being bullied and confess that you took it out on him. What do you do to your children when you lose it now?

I hope your brother has gone on to have a happy and fulfilling life and that your life will give you all the things you so richly deserve and may they come soon and in spades.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw, my brother and I had a relationship like the one you describe, op. Although it doesn't seem like it was quite to the level if abuse, and (although it doesn't excuse it) i knew just the right buttons to push to get him riled up. As adults, we're civil, but I don't really like him. We just don't connect, like another pp said. I'm sure much of it stems from the resentment that he would regulay beat the crap out of it.

Anyway, he didn't come to my wedding, which required a plane ride, at the last minute. Honestly, I could care less. So I really doubt you'll regret not going, op. my mom was annoyed with him, but she got over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Thank you for your replies!!

To answer a few questions: My parents were workaholics, basically from the age of ten (me) and twelve (brother) we had very limited adult supervision. My dad travelled all the time for work, and my mom was and still is an alcoholic so she was never any help. My dad would always stand up for me when he was home- always. But he was rarely home, worked 14 hr days when he wasn't travelling. My brother was over 6 feet and 200 pounds by the time he was 14/15, so there wasn't much my mom could do- That's what she says.

There was a similar dynamic in my family, and I think it is reasonable for you to not attend the wedding. My dad worked a bit, probably not as much as yours, and my mom was not a very attentive parent even though she stayed at home. Both of my parents openly favored my little sister, and I was mean to my sister at times though it was not anything near what you describe with your brother.

As adults, my sister and I are friends. Since our dad passed, we've been able to talk about the issues in our childhood, and we both think that our parents were the problem. My mom was simply not a good mother and my dad was out working most of the time. My mom was overwhelmed with two children even though she did not work outside of the home. She ignored me as a consequence (and mom wasn't great to my sister either). Your mom could have done something, and it is so sad that she said there was nothing she could do. My mom used to say that about so many things, whether it was the favoritism she showed my sister ("the youngest always gets more attention") taking us to activities ("can't someone else take you") or cleaning the house. As an adult, I realize that she really could (and should) have done something.

Setting aside cases where there are mental issues or extreme personality differences between children, I think that a lot of sibling rivalry is the fault of the parents. I get upset when I see posts from people asking if they should have a second, third, fourth child even though they are already overwhelmed and very busy. Not everyone can handle having multiple children even if they want them.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is really sad. I'm sorry. Do NOT go to this wedding if you don't want to, and your job gives you a great excuse. Tell your family that the work trip is non-negotiable and in this economy, you cannot afford to lose your job. I agree with PPs that this may be a chance to ask your mother why she and your father never protected you all those years. If you and your brother both want to rebuild a relationship as adults, you can do so in future, regardless of whether you attend the wedding. (You would not even be able to do that at the wedding, since he will be busy and so on.) It's nice of you to send a gift, and you don't owe it to anyone to do anything. Your brother should know why you aren't there, and even if he's delusional and doesn't, that's his problem not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that is really sad. I'm sorry. Do NOT go to this wedding if you don't want to, and your job gives you a great excuse. Tell your family that the work trip is non-negotiable and in this economy, you cannot afford to lose your job. I agree with PPs that this may be a chance to ask your mother why she and your father never protected you all those years. If you and your brother both want to rebuild a relationship as adults, you can do so in future, regardless of whether you attend the wedding. (You would not even be able to do that at the wedding, since he will be busy and so on.) It's nice of you to send a gift, and you don't owe it to anyone to do anything. Your brother should know why you aren't there, and even if he's delusional and doesn't, that's his problem not yours.

no, its going to be virtually impossible to rebuild the relationship if you skip the wedding. this is a big mistake. when you are 60 you will regret this. when your kids have no cousins you will regret this.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you will regret it. Go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

UPDATE: OP here... As usual, my Mom decided to create drama and drunk-dialed he bride to tell her I'm not going to the wedding. I hadn't even made my final decision, so that's awesome. I didn't even get to tell them myself!!! This just furthers my feelings that I just want to stay as far away as possible. Them my Mom forwarded me an email from the bride where she said family should come first and that I should work something out with my Boss because it's my only siblings wedding........... I guess my brother has failed to mention to his bride about the times he used to kick me in the head when he was mad or just punch me for no reason when he'd pass me in the hallway. I am actually really mad now and just want to stay away from all of them. I HAVE A JOB, really do they expect me to just quit it and go to the wedding? I'm sure I could work something out with my Boss, but frankly the thought of spending 6-8 hours with my crazy family gives me extreme anxiety. And I just don't want to go. I also don't feel like pretending to be happy and care about his wedding, because I just don't. My brother didn't care when I'd hide in the bathroom for 2-3 hours because it had a locked door just get away from him. He also didn't care that I used the money from my first paper route to buy a lock for my bedroom door to get away from in. So they can all just f*ck off now, I'm not going and I actually feel fantastic about it now. Thank you for all the replies, it really helped me a lot!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry for he typos!! I was so angry typing all that

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. The situation sounds really toxic. I mean this kindly--have you sought therapy for dealing with you BSC family? It could help you with setting appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I am 14:37 and no my brother has never apologized. We have never even really talked about it. I think he hopes I have forgotten it all, or else his memory of it is different than the reality of what happened and he doesn't remember it as being so bad. The worst years were when he was 14-16 so pretty long ago (he is now almost 40). I also think he has never been good with emotions - this was part of the reason he was so violent as he was really bad at coping when frustrated or angry. While he copes better with this now (he walks away) he still isn't very comfortable with emotions. I doubt he has ever really introspectively or reflectively processed how he acted way back when.

Interestingly even though he was violent (he would beat me up, choke me, etc) I still antagonized him. I knew exactly what step on the stairs I had to stand on to say something to push his buttons and still be able to make it to the bathroom (locked door) before he got me. This was my way of not letting him 'win' or think he controlled me. I used to also be very defiant and fought back when he was choking me or hurting me - I never felt like a victim, I would never let him see me hurt or sad -I would glare at him and tell him when I got up that he was weak and hadn't hurt me (even if he had).

My younger sister who watched it often was more traumatized than I was by it. She was always scared he would kill me and there was little she could do. Also my brother treated her really well so she was confused by it all. A couple times she attacked him to get him off me (she stabbed him with a fork once) and she has many memories of feeling very helpless. I don't have that as I could fight back.

When my brother was getting married, my sister and I talked about whether or not we should tell the fiance about his violent behavior. We decided not to. Over the years she has heard small stories (my parents downplay it and have very fuzzy memories of it all). As I said in my earlier post, my brother has grown up and can manage himself now and I don't worry he will hurt his family.

I don't believe in living my life with anger or bitterness really towards anyone - I don't want that emotional stress. We do a lot as a big family and it is all good. My brother and I will never be close but we can co-exist in a family without tension. I don't need an apology from him - if he wanted to give one, it would be for his own healing, not for mine.