Missing brother's wedding... Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

No abusive relatives here, but I see no reason at all to feel guilty about missing the wedding. I wouldn't go or let my kids near him. I'm sorry you had to endure his torment. I disagree completely with 13:56. I would not be in contact him. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how old are you? late 20s or early 30s? I think you should go to the wedding and try to reconcile. A sibling is a BIG DEAL. Once your parents are gone you will have no family left. what he did as a child is forgivable.

Choking OP and having chairs thrown at OP is not juvenile horseplay nor is it some BS disagreement over who gets Aunt Louise's antique china. That's some pretty serious stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you do?

I would go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

My older brother was also physically violent for about a decade when i was growing up. The last time he hit me I was 17 and he punched my head into a window (we were in the car). I told him if he ever touched me again I'd have him charged and he never did. My parents knew he was aggressive but he didn't act out a lot around them, more when they weren't in the room. I didn't really complain or tell them either. When my brother got married, i went but I was indifferent. He is completely different as an adult. He has kids and he isn't aggressive at all with them, or his wife. He has a very low frustration tolerance but he now has coping skills to deal with that that he didn't as a teen. I think hormones, and personality and being a generally angry unhappy adolescent were why he was so violent at that age / stage. I love my nieces and nephews and am glad my brother and I have maintained a civil relationship so that we can do things as a family. I am not close to my brother and only see him in passing when doing something with the kids or when the whole family is together but there isn't tension either. We've let bygones be bygones.

I say go on the work trip but at some point if you want your kids to know their cousins or if you are all going to be together at Christmases etc...then you need to find a way to make that doable. I forgave my brother, don't have any anger towards him - he isn't the person he was then.

[Anonymous]

14:37's experience is encouraging and I'm glad someone who has been in that position also agrees that you shouldn't feel compelled to go. I had similar experiences as a child and there's no F'ing way I was going to my brother's wedding. I agree with the PP that your parents may be more worried about how it looks to other people that you're not there or they are in denial about your childhood with your brother.

[Anonymous]

We come from a very close family (though as kids we hit each other on a daily basis while our parents did nothing) and none of us have made all four sibling's weddings. I got married last and it was the only wedding all the siblings attended. I like to think it's because I am the favorite but in actuality it's the only one where everyone was available. You have to work, I get that, and hopefully your brother will too.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. Send the gift, send a nice note. Respond to your fiance's email and tell her that quite frankly you just don't have any funny stories or nice memories to share. No need to go into details about it, though. I just think unless you want to tick her off, ignoring her email won't help. You may want to see nieces/nephews one day (or not) and it will help if you can retain a cordial relationship with the whole family.

I disagree with the 'bury the hatchet" posters. Some people just aren't good for us, even if we are related to them.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to ask what did you do to him to cause this behavior?

I always fought with my brother growing up and I teased him until he lost control. I was horrible to him - I know there's no excuse to violence... but my point here is that each of you have a role in this relationship.

If you feel like straighten this up this is your chance.

BTW, once it got seriously physical I moved out. It was always more about emotional abuse.

FF a few years and now we both have our families and we talk every once in a while through FB. I talk more to his wife though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go. Send the gift, send a nice note. Respond to your fiance's email and tell her that quite frankly you just don't have any funny stories or nice memories to share. No need to go into details about it, though. I just think unless you want to tick her off, ignoring her email won't help. You may want to see nieces/nephews one day (or not) and it will help if you can retain a cordial relationship with the whole family.

I disagree with the 'bury the hatchet" posters. Some people just aren't good for us, even if we are related to them.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

For OP and all PPs who've gone through something similar, have your brothers ever apologized?

One of my closest friends had a brother like this and I honestly don't think he ever realized/remembered all the mean and violent things he had done to her. He doesn't understand why she has a grudge against him.

Personally, I think it should be confronted, even if it was ages go. Maybe in a letter to the brother and the parents. There's not much of a relationship there anyway, so what's to lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:grow up, tell him the two of you need to get over things. Put it this way look down the road someday, let's say the day of the wedding, you will be somewhere more important than family and feel really shitty for missing it. It will happen. Then as your brother realizes he was an ass and starts a family he may grow to appreciate you, I am sure it was "all" his fault that he was mean.

Get over it, bury the hatchet and move on, if you didn’t care you would not have posted But please report back on the wedding day how you feel

I bet you used to beat the crap out of your sister too right?

[Anonymous]

I think that many people growing up have a lot of conflict with sibs. I'm not excusing your brother hurting you, but I think you are holding onto this and not leaving room for a new and different adult relationship. Have you even tried to talk with him about this? I also went through the "my brother beat me up every day and I don't want a relationship with him" syndrome. Then I realized that my brother and I are adults and my brother is not a little boy with power over me. Also, he just simply doesn't have the same memories I do and it's not fair to punish him because, in fact, he has no idea what he's being punished for and all he sees is a grown woman who is angry all the time for something that happened twenty years ago -- that, again, he doesn't remember the way I do or with the same intensity.

I really recommend you get some therapy, not because you are crazy or wrong about your memories -- memories are not wrong or right -- but because they are affecting you so strongly and it's really time to move on from your childhood. Also because when you have your own children, they are going to fight like crazy, OP, and you are going to discover that no matter how hard you try, and how much you love them and they love each other, you can't monitor and break up every fight. And one kid is going to feel pummeled and sometimes feel abused.

In my own case, I love my brother very much now, esp. when I see him with his three kids and what a fantastic dad he is, raising his kids in a completely devoted and non-violent manner. I wish the same for you, to let go of the past and have a new and different relationship with the person your brother is now.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't it the brother's job to raise the issue and apologize if he wants a new relationship?

I don't see any evidence that OP was holding on to this issue in an unhealthy way. He originally planned on going to the wedding before his work came up.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. I would send a gift. I would send an email to the fiancee and it would very sarcastic. "well, there was this one time that my brother grabbed me and choked me til I blacked out and then there was the time he threw a dining room chair at my head...and this other time that he slugged me in the face. It was just hilarious! Especially when mom & dad wouldn't do anything to stop him. Just a barrel of laughs getting the crap beat out of me daily! No? Maybe you had to be there. Best of luck to Mary Jane. God knows she will need it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I are not close, he basically made my childhood and absolute misery, and although he is nicer in his 30's we only speak a few times a year. He used to hit me almost every day and my parents never did anything about it. I moved away from home 11 years ago and only visit once a year (if that) for Xmas. We live 1500 mikes away from eachother, he has never visited and never calls me. He is always pleasant if I call him, but never makes any effort to be in my life. I have never met his fiancé.

I already had my flight for the wedding, but now an important work trip has come up and I need to travel. This will mean I will miss the wedding, and truthfully I am relieved because I did not want to be there anyways. My mom says this is a "tragedy" I will regret for the rest of my life. I already have no relationship with my brother, how could it possibly get any worse? I don't feel like jeopardizing my job for someone I don't even particularly care about, and who (if roles were reversed) certainly wouldn't risk his job to come to my wedding.

What would you do?

Not go. I have a sister who makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like the Good Fairy. When I was little (she is six yrs. older and I took her place a baby of family and she has never forgiven me), she used to beat the hell out of me on a frequent basis. I was a good little trooper and never told on her. I can't stand to be around her for more than one minute. I last saw her in April 2008 at a family gathering for Easter and she tried to hug me and I pulled away. You don't get to choose your relatives but you don't have to put up with them after you are grown. You will probably regret it for the rest of your life if you do go. You're right, go on business trip. Good luck.